The DSB Wonderlic Test…A Yearly Tradition

1. HBO is filming Hard Knocks during your team’s Training Camp. To prepare for your premium cable television debut you do which of the following:

a. Write your children’s names and ages on your arm so that you don’t look like the bad father you probably are
b. Develop a catch phrase like “kiss the baby” so as to increase your chances of landing a reality TV show
c. Contact HBO about visiting your home during your month long holdout for more money so as to not lose any exposure
d. Start twittering about the entrenched veteran’s wife to create some reality TV controversy and up your screen time

2. You are drunk in a NYC nightclub strip club the night before a game against an interdivision rival. After getting thrown out you:

a. Use your cell phone to call the team’s on-call limo service to take you home
b. Start flashing your “gat” and screaming “Do you know who I am?
c. Find another club…the game is still eight hours away
d. Cancel your credit cards and claim that you did not know what “Club Silk” is or why anyone would charge $8,000 dollars for “Champagne Services”

3. As a rookie in training camp a veteran tells you to carry his pads back to the locker room after practice. You respond by:

a. Immediately punching that disrespecting asshat in the throat in front of 30-40 reporters and camera men
b. Know your place and just go with the flow
c. Remind the veteran that you are a first round pick and that your signing bonus is worth more than his entire career
d. Pawn it off on some practice scrub loser

4. Your talent on the football field got you which of the following at college:

a. A four-year scholarship
b. Others taking your tests to earn you a diploma
c. $180,000
d. All the pussy you could handle

5. Your brother goes on the lam and is being sought by police for multiple felonies right before a critical playoff game; what do you do?

a. Use the media to scrub the story of all negative angles and to make people feel bad for you and your criminal brother
b. Use your brother’s disappearance to “lead” the team and play this one for him
c. Protect this house!
d. Show your in mourning by “Krumping” your sorrow in front of millions before the game

6. You are in a backwater college town bar in the South. An unattractive 19 year old girl is downing shots left and right. What is a two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback to do?

a. Give her a DTF sticker. Boom. She is officially asking for it.
b. Use your entourage of police buddies to run interference while you “help her to the bathroom.”
c. Call her and ask her to fix your TV
d. Text her pictures of your grey appendage

7. You were smoking with your buddies and the “gat” in your pocket went off “accidentally” and you just put a massive hole through your girlfriend’s kidney. Who do you call first?

a. 911
b. Your agent
c. Your lawyer
d. Ray Lewis
e. Coach
f. Parole Officer
g. A taxi
h. Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB does the Wonderlic

With the NFL Combine in full swing this week, hundreds of prospective NFL draftees are taking the Wonderlic Test as a measure of their intellectual capacity. You can see an example of the Wonderlic here on ESPN’s page 2.

There is only one problem with the Wonderlic test … it does not properly test for the real-life football intelligence required of NFL players. Therefore, DSB now presents the new and improved NFL Combine Wonderlic test. You have 20 minutes to finish this test; 45 minutes if you are a defensive lineman or Vince Young.

Question 1
Your have five baby mommas and seven babies residing in three different states. What percentage of your signing bonus can you expect to keep?

A. 100% (Those kids don’t look anything like me, Maury!)
B. 55% (Yeah, those my kids but Daddy needs to put a new Lambo in the garage.)
C. 25% (I have a crappy lawyer)
D. 0% (Travis Henry will be buying me lunch after my rookie season)

Question 2
You have been informed that your name is on next month’s list for a random drug test. What do you do?

A. Cycle off, duh.
B. Pick up a Whizzinator on the way home
C. Contact Bill Romanowski
D. Go home, toke up, and forget about it … what’s the worst that can happen?

Question 3
Cocaine sells for between $80-$100 a gram. If one of your “buddies” has 100 grams burning a hole in his pocket and needs to get rid of it what do you do?

A. Call Santonio Holmes
B. Call up the strippers … House Party!!!
C. Keep it for game day, it worked for LT
D. Cut it and cook it down to make crack there by doubling the street value. Simple economics.

Question 4
You have just signed a six year contract and are the highest paid player at your position. How do you celebrate this momentous occasion?

A. What’s momentous?
B. Find my buddy with the “stuff” burning a hole in his pocket and call in the strippers.
C. Ask Matt Leinart to come on over and to bring his “friends”
D. Go on ESPN and throw a tantrum about how you are finally getting paid and you can now feed your family.

Question 5
Finish this sentence: I ain’t getting ________.

A. Respect
B. Paid
C. Respect or Paid

Question 6
You child is five years old. You are 21 years old. How old will you be when you can stop paying child support?

A. For this kid or the last kid?
B. Who pays child support?
C. I already told you in question one that ain’t my f’ing kid.
D. 13 years, 2 months and 5 days. But who’s counting?

Question 7
There are four quarters in a football game. You had eight tackles during the game. How many tackles per quarter did you average?

A. More than the white defensive lineman and he just got a new three year deal!
B. Those weren’t tackles they were executions.
C. Four
D. If the defensive coordinator wasn’t a racist I would have that new deal.

Question 8
What is the NFL’s fine for a typical end zone celebration?

A. $10,000
B. It does not matter. I am an entertainer … this is the cost of my art.
C. My shoe deal will cover it.
D. Two months child support. Sorry kids.

Question 9
Finish this sentence: In the strip club, I ________.

A. Make it rain on dem hoes …
B. Get grabby because I’m important.
C. Plan the next pleasure cruise on my boat.
D. Try to not jeopardize my Chunky Soup deal.

Question 10
What is the most dangerous part of the locker room?

A. Errant towel snaps … watch the family jewels.
B. Staph
C. Reporters
D. All those needles

Question 11
What should you do if you come into camp overweight?

A. Complain about how you don’t get any respect.
B. Blame it on a pulled hammy.
C. Get the cycle. Not the bicycle.

Question 12 (Last One!)
If you are out and about and you see Bill Belichick at dinner with the team doctor’s wife; what do you do?

A. Give him a heads up on the Valtrex you found in the medicine cabinet.
B. Avoid eye contact and leave. When the team doctor mysteriously disappears next week you know nothing.
C. Give Bill a heads up about the GM’s daughter. She likes it rough.
D. Meet coach in the team confessional and accept your penance (10% pay cut to make room under the cap)

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat