Jerk Store: Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell

We typically avoid politics here at DSB since the editors have significantly differing views on the broad political spectrum. But I cannot let this go…

Why he is a jerk:
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell is one of the biggest Philadelphia Eagles fans you will ever meet. Or like most Eagles’ fans, he at least he thinks he is. He had season tickets forever in the first row of the 600 level in the old Vet. His role in the famed Cowboys’ snowball game is the stuff of legend in South Philly. He’s used his leverage as a perpetual candidate and public figure to wrangle a studio analyst position on the Eagles’ post-game show. He bows at the altar of Van Brocklin, McDonald, Bednarik, and Carmichael.  He bleeds green and probably goes to bed at night humming “Fly, Eagles Fly”.

But now that his beloved Iggles have been kicked to the curb in the NFL playoffs, he has turned his rooting interest to the cross-state Pittsburgh Steelers. He has even gone so far as to don the black and gold for the above photo.

On so many levels, this is a clear violation of fandom. Fan allegiance isn’t based on who’s left in the playoffs or how good or bad your team is. If that was the case, Pirates’ fans would be rooting for other baseball teams by June 1st of every year. Go ask a Flyers’ fan if they would EVER root for the Penguins or vice versa. It wouldn’t happen and Rendell is a smart and passionate enough guy to realize this.

Now you might be saying, “But Max, he’s the governor. He’s gotta appease everyone”. That’s horseshit because as of today he no longer is the governor after eight years in that position. So he no longer needs to curry favor throughout the state…and quite frankly, he’s never really cared very much about what happens outside of his precious Philadelphia city limits anyway.

So Mr. Rendell as you are making your way out of the state’s capital just know that the Steelers bandwagon doesn’t want you, but the Jerk Store is anxiously waiting your arrival.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: The Mall Santa

Why he is a jerk:
As loyal DSB readers are aware, I am a new dad. I have a five month old girl and while not drinking heavily to cope with this fact, I am trying to raise a little girl in a fashion that is both socially acceptable and keeps her from becoming a stripper or Lexi Belle. When December flipped over on the calendar Mrs. Bearcat asked me when we would be taking ‘lil Ms. Bearcat to meet Santa Claus. (Meet him? Why, so that she can throw up on him? I thought) Excellent idea.

So naturally we went out and purchased a little red velvet dress with black patent leather shoes. My daughter looked cute as a button and was ready to have her picture taken with the local mall Santa. I do not consider myself to be a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination but given the state of new digital technologies by camera makers I can crank out some damn fine pictures. As we prepare to stand in line for the Santa visit I start to set up my midrange Canon point and shoot camera when suddenly Mrs. Bearcat points to a sign next to me titled “Pictures with Santa Packages.” They ranged in cost from 20 dollars at the low end to over a hundred bucks. I quickly glanced at the sign and simply smiled and pointed to my camera. Mrs. Bearcat, who has an eye for detail, then pointed to the boiler plate language at the bottom of the sign that I had conveniently ignored which stated that all types of photography were “strictly forbidden beyond this point.”

Now I have a problem with authority. I also have a problem with things like “strictly forbidden” and barriers like “beyond this point.” My wife know this. I immediately pull out my collapsible, travel-sized soap box and start railing about the cost of having the Mall Santa’s pizza faced Elves taking the pictures. “I am NOT paying 20 bucks for four wallets photos of that guy holding my daughter who in all likelihood will descend into a spiral of tears and spit up.” And saying things like “Screw it! What are they going to do confiscate my camera?”

Mrs. Bearcat has a conscience and a belief in “the rules.” So naturally this turned into an embarrassing situation where I was getting pissed off at the Mall Santa for fisting me sideways through my wallet and the wife was getting pissed off at me for deciding that the rules do not apply. We spent the next 20 minutes in line staring at each other with her unspoken disapproval and my “I am not shelling out money for THIS” crossed arms defense. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat spent the time chewing on her new shoe and foot with glee.

Now it is our turn. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat was an angel for Santa. I like having “relations” with my wife so naturally my Canon remained in my pocket and the traditional need to record for posterity every event in a first child’s life cost me 45 bucks. (But we need an 8X10!)

As for the Mall Santa, given my five-month-old’s natural lack of communication skills the “visit” lasted about as long as the free sample tray in front of Panda Express. One picture where she was showing zero emotion and BAM we are done. Could we even try to get her to smile? For this Mall Santa, you are stuck shelling out coal for the next eighteen days in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…Bearcat

Jerk Store: George Lucas

Why he is a jerk:
Far be it from me to begrudge anyone for making money. I love money. The only thing keeping me from loving it more is my serious lack of the stuff. But George Lucas declaring this week that Star Wars would be re-re-released in 3D is just offensive. Lucas will be releasing Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in early 2012. Then every following year the other five episodes will be released. I hate 3D. I went to see Avatar in 3D and it blue blew. Lucas apparently disagreed saying that “the Avatar experience convinced him that Star Wars was ready for the state-of-the-art 3D treatment.” I will just assume that Lucas looked at James Cameron’s $2.7 billion dollar international box office and thought tacking on 3D was a new way to monetize the unlimitedly bankable franchise.

But as a Star Wars fan there is a bigger problem. 3D is inherently a movie experience for children. Grownups don’t need or even want it. So if this is a way to introduce the franchise to a new generation, then why would we actually be starting with Episode 1? The Phantom Menace is clearly the worst of the bunch. Also why would you not start with Episode 4 again? The set up is needed for The Empire Strikes Back (which is clearly the pinnacle of the franchise). I don’t want my children to learn that Darth Vader is Luke’s father via the lousy films. I want them to be blown away as a single handed Luke teeters on an antenna between life and death.

Ultimately this is a franchise so beloved that one has to really ask: Does Lucas need to rework the movies in 3D or otherwise in order to get droves of people to show up and buy tickets? I think the obvious answer is no. If Episodes 4, 5 and 6 were to come to the big screen without 3D I would go and shell out the money to see them. These movies should come back to the theater so that each new generation can drop their jaws as Han and Chewie make the jump to light speed. These films are so iconic and beloved that reworking them in 3D or otherwise is unnecessary.

Lucas can’t just leave greatness alone. Because of that he is frozen in carbonite and hung on the wall of the Jerk Store.

*** Update: DSB has learned that not only are the movies being reworked to feature 3D but also the titles are being considered for an update. Here are the proposed changes:

Episode 1: The Phantom Money Grab
Episode 2: Cloning Dollar Bills
Episode 3: Revenge on Your Wallet
Episode 4: A New Hope for More Money
Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Gold
Episode 6: The Return for Even More Money

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Jeopardy!

The long-running game show, Jeopardy!, could be ridiculed for many different reasons. Some of these include:

• That ridiculous two-minute break in the middle of a game to discuss Claude from Peoria’s potato chip collection
• After years of reading the answers off of cards and teleprompters, host Alex Trebek thinks and acts like he’s suddenly become the President of MENSA
• Apparently Jay Leno’s rejected comedy writers are sent to Jeopardy to come up with the category names as bad puns are the norm. “Shamanism on You” and “Going to the Loo-vre” are prime examples of this. I am honestly waiting for “The Rapists” or “Anal Bum Cover” to show up soon.

But I’ll be the first to admit that if I’m channel-surfing, I’ll usually stop and watch some of the show until they start in on categories like “British Monarchs” or “Taoism”. The real reason Jeopardy is now playing on continuous loop on the television in the Jerk Store is because of the shows that are being televised this week during Jeopardy Kids Week.

Do not confuse this week’s show with the ones featuring pimply-faced virgins sporting their dorky college sweatshirt…that’s the College Tournament. This is something completely different. This is a whole set of shows for kids specifically between the ages of 10 and 12 years old. When I was 12, I don’t think I could have told you little more than Don Mattingly’s batting average and the best method to make the most realistic fart noises. Instead, the viewing public is treated to contestants that can best be described as the rejects from the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Don’t these twitching, little freaks already have their own game shows on Nickeloden or Discovery for Kids? Aren’t they better suited to shows that don’t require any thinking like Wheel of Fortune or Minute to Win It? The show has had to dumb down the questions (or answers) so much that my slow cousin who rode the short bus could get most of these. Here are some of the “challenging” questions from a recent show:

Animated Films: 2005: 4 animals from the New York City zoo end up on an African island

People from Pennsylvania: Not Willy Wonka but this man built a chocolate factory in the Pennsylvania town that was renamed for him

7-Letter Words: Get your head out of the sand! Struthio camelus is this large, swift-footed flightless bird

Holidays & Observances: On this holiday, people once placed bowls of food outside their homes to appease ghosts

C’mon…even Corky, Gilbert Grape and Warren (from There’s Something About Mary) would know the answer to that last one.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, Trebek and his smugness show up. It’s one thing when he acts like a Mr. Know-it-All to a bunch of 40-year old bookworms and fanboys after a wrong answer, but when he does it to a bunch of snot-nosed bedwetters it just rubs me the wrong way.

From now on, the only correct question is “What is the Jerk Store?”

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: Thomas Kinkade

Kitsch…thy name is Kinkade

Why he is a jerk:
Thomas Kinkade created an empire based on Christmas and phony outdoors scenes of folksy kitsch. He dubbed himself the Painter of Light (/pukes). This empire was built on suburban mall “galleries” that told buyers that they were investing in art. The multi-million dollar art empire was nothing more than mass produced rubbish signed by an a man more con than artist.

Over the last several years the empire has crumbled under Kinkade’s increasingly bizarre behavior and a faltering market for his oil and pastel dribble. In 2006, Kinkade was a drunken mess and started heckling Siegfried and Roy in Las Vegas for wearing cod pieces. Normally, wearing a cod piece means open season for ridicule, but what did the painter expect when he bought tickets to see that dynamic duo?  Kinkade has a propensity for sexual harassment and was accused of publicly groping a colleague’s wife after falling off a bar stool during a Kinkade event in Indiana. On another occasion he relieved himself on a Winnie the Pooh statue in a Disney Hotel. But hey…who has not wanted to go R Kelly on a Disney character? Did I forget to mention that Kinkade reportedly said “This one’s for you, Walt.” while he was urinating on that innocent childhood figurine?

Now gallery owners have levied a multi-million dollar lawsuit, he has declared bankruptcy with creditors owed over six million and QVC is even looking to stop hawking his snowy cottage fecal matter on canvas.  Ultimately, we all should have seen this meltdown coming. A quick read of Kinkade’s 2001 60 Minutes appearance shows that the man had illusions of grandeur that would make Benito Mussolini blush.

So welcome Mr. Kinkade…you are the official artist of the DSB Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Floyd Landis

This is Floyd Landis and his book which has more bullshit than A Million Little Pieces…

Why he is a jerk:
Floyd Landis used drugs to make him both a better cyclist and a Tour de France champion.  So what. Cycling is the dirtiest game in sports. The Russian weightlifters during the cold war Olympiads had cleaner wins than anyone in cycling. Using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) does not put Landis in the Jerk Store. There are too many dirty sports figures these days for Landis to be the singled out for Jerk Store selection on that basis alone.

Landis gets entry for what he did after getting caught.  It was not the lies, of which there were many.  It was the fact that he took money from people, people right here in his home of Lancaster County, to fuel a bullshit legal defense for his use of PEDs.  That is utterly indefensible. Floyd took their money and held fundraisers all over Central PA (especially Lancaster) to pay for lawyers to deal with his cheating.  He claimed innocence at no end and needed their money to further his lies and to fight the truth.

Landis is a con man. He perpetrated a fraud on friends by telling them that the charges were false and that he needed money to defend his character. A character that they trusted so much that they handed over their hard earned dollars to help defend. I don’t recall Mark McGwire hitting up Cardinals fans for cash so as to defend his inability to talk about the past before Congress.  Jose Canseco has sold his dignity in order to pay his bills; which puts his character several rungs above that of Landis.

What kind of rationalization must Landis have discussed inside his head that would have caused him to shun his Mennonite upbringing and toss it all aside so as to not only dope his way to the finish line but to then go and commit fraud against the people that loved him most?  His parents had to visit a neighbor to watch their son compete because they don’t own a TV!  This has to be horribly embarrassing to them.

Some sports columnist have reached back into the over-used-column-ideas-well to say that “America’s a forgiving country.”  They believe that since he has admitted to not only taking PEDs but that he did it for an edge that people will forgive. That maybe true but what can not be forgiven is the fraud, and this is fraud, that he perpetrated on those that believed him and gave him money.  For that, there should be no forgiveness.

So Floyd…enjoy begging for money in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Aki Iwamura

Do the honorable thing, Aki, and just end it…. please, Pirate Fans everywhere just want it over

Why he is a jerk:
Aki Iwamura should consider the dishonor that he has brought upon himself, the Pittsburgh Pirates, the city of Pittsburgh and his homeland of Japan.   It is time for him to commit Seppuku (ritual suicide). If he has any respect for bushido (the samurai warrior code of honor and discipline) he will break a bat over his knee and drive the sharp splintered pine into his belly. Hara-kiri which literally means “stomach cutting” should be an option for Russell, Huntington and Nutting at this point as well.

How can Aki collect his $4.8 million dollar salary? By the way, he is the highest paid player in the Pirates’ clubhouse. It is actually criminal what he is doing out there.  First is his batting average which has risen to .173 from what should have been a terminal low of .149.  The fact that Russell kept trotting him out there as he floundered in a 1 for 43 stretch at one point this season should be grounds for institutionalization of a manager. The man has only nine RBIs…and that includes the two homeruns he hit this season.

Then there was the report that management was working with Aki on his double play pivot. The fact that a 31-year old second baseman, who is making nearly five million, needs to work on his double play move had me ready to drive to Pittsburgh with gasoline, matches and directions to PNC Park.  I don’t care about his knee surgery or his knee brace.

It only took until this past weekend for Pirates’ management to realize that they were playing with eight players in the lineup instead of the more traditional nine.  Once they figured that out, Russell benched Aki in favor of hometown prospect and first round draft pick Neil Walker.

Word was that Aki did not take the demotion well and was said to be “upset.”  Iwamura, who has the infielder range of a 400 pound woman in a Hoveround, was regularly booed while giving up on routine ground balls hit within reaching distance of his left and right hands.  What right does he have to be upset? Apparently, apathy does not get upset until you bench it.

So, Aki, do the right thing and instead of collecting your paycheck as part of a dishonorable death on the bench, calmly disembowel yourself in silence.  It is the honorable thing to do.

Otherwise live in disgrace in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Clint from my gym

Why he is a jerk:
I recently rejoined my local gym, because I am a fat bastard and if I continue my downward spiral I will be dead before I hit 40. I tend to foursquare my every visit so as to in someway alert others that I do exercise on occasion. Like anyone cares.

Today, while at said gym I was checking into foursquare when I noticed that Clint (actual name) was not only the “mayor” of the location but that he also had recently checked in.  I  took a look around and found Clint. Typical gym rat. Five foot three. Being louder than necessary as he was wailing on his biceps. Spent 95% of all work out time on his upper body and was trying to making up for his serious lack of stature.

A review of his foursquare account showed that he had a total of 35 mayorships. An impressive feat.  He was mayor of all three sister gyms that are available to members and to two GNC stores. Who visits a GNC store more than once a week, let alone two of them? He must drink Muscle Milk on his breakfast cereal.

The rest of the locations were primarily Harrisburg and Lancaster clubs and bars where Clint obviously spends significant time wearing shirts that are a size too small while looking for potential date rape victims. His chin strap facial hair must drive the ladies wild.

As I was leaving, following my exhausting 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, I watched as Clint got into a F-350 truck that was more Bigfoot Monster Truck than any man should feel the need to own. (It looked kind of like this) The truck even had a Superman decal on the tailgate that let you know that the size of his penis was transversely proportional to the size of his truck.  This completely fulfilled the douchebag look for Clint.

So Clint, you and your foursquare account can add another location with a mayorship…The Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Bill Simmons

Why he is a jerk:
Bill Simmons has had this coming for a long time.  Deadspin’s comments section and KSK love to poke fun at him.  Blogs everywhere love to point out when he is wrong or pounce on his Boston bias.  He has become an easy target.  It is fun to bring down the top dog.  Simmons jumped the shark for me at least a year ago.  Replaced by people that were actually fun and did not spend time trying to dream up inane sports and movie comparisons (That Celtics-Lakers game is just like the Boof and Scott Teen Wolf made out in the closet because…) Let me be clear; this is not about bringing down the most widely read sports “blogger” on the Internet or about going after ESPN as I have done in the past.

This is about giving Bill Simmons a label… Jerk.  Frankly, there are three incidents over the course of the past month that have forced me to welcome Simmons to The Jerk Store.

Exhibit #1: Bill Simmons’ February 5, 2010 Mailbag

Q: Is there anything more ludicrous than shared e-mail accounts for married couples? What are these morons thinking? What possible good could come from this? The only thing more ludicrous is Brad Childress getting extended midseason.
–Marty, Minneapolis

SG: For the record, I got that e-mail two months ago (well before the 12 Men In the Huddle Game). See, I’m all for the shared e-mail account for married couples. It’s an uncomplicated way of announcing to your friends, “We tell each other everything, so if you confide in one of us, just know you’re confiding in both of us,” and if you want to dig deeper, there’s a little “I caught him cheating on me and/or found hundreds of hours of Internet porn on his computer, so the only way I’m allowing him to even use e-mail anymore is if we share an account from now on.” Or as it came to be known in 2010, the Elin Nordegren Woods.

How Simmons can justify telling other men to share email accounts is stupefying. God forbid if anyone’s wives were to actually read Simmons’ column.  This is the most colossally stupid piece of advice that Simmons has ever provided to a reader.  I believe this is grounds for his man card to be revoked. Please, I beg of you our loyal DSB followers, never seek advice from the Sports Guy.  It has been brought to my attention that this might all be a joke but I doubt it.  He plainly states his position in the second sentence of his response.  This is completely unacceptable.  I do not have time to explain to you all the ways that this is horrible, horrible advice.

Exhibit #2: Bill Simmons’ ongoing feud with Keith Olbermann

Simmons during a February ESPN.com online chat said some really stupid things about Tiger’s return to golf and the need for a career comeback.  Simmons stated that not only would Tiger’s return be more difficult than the Ali exile during Vietnam and return to boxing but that “[During his comeback] Everyone was rooting for Ali.” Also the Sports Guy glosses over that whole racism and religious persecution thing for Ali.  It was all very smoothly done and then he went and as Deadspin said “Doubled Down on The Stupid” via a nearly 3,600 word column where he defended his prior retardary of comparing Tiger’s need to bang pornstars to Ali skipping on an unpopular war based on religious fundamentals.  The Simmons pile on was underway and none other than ESPN abortion Keith Olbermann (who I freaking hate with every fiber of my being) came out and made a reasonable and accurate retort to Simmons stupid and offensive comparison.  I had to actually agree with something Olbermann said.  I was nearly beside myself. I felt like my hair was on fire. I showered but I still could not get the dirt from this experience off.  My soul is damaged.

Exhibit #3: Bill Simmons’ Twitter Account

During the Oscars, Simmons was providing a running commentary on the awards show and the selections by the Academy.  Simmons even listed Jeff Bridges top five roles.  Guess which one did not make the list; Bridge’s career defining role as The Dude in The Big Lebowski. This had me believing that either Simmons was baiting his twitter followers or he was trying to be funny by leaving off The Dude.  No, instead moments later to what I am sure what a flood of tweets attacking his obvious omission, SportsGuy33 responded “Never saw Big Lebowski if only b/c it’s driven readers crazy since 1998.”  Wait what?  Simmons who defines his writing style based on the every man perspective and pop culture references has not seen The Big Lebowski?  Worse he is actively choosing not to watch it?  There are no words.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: WVU Mountaineers Fans

This is the face of child abuse…

Why they are jerks:
Let me make this perfectly clear.  WVU fans are amateurs.  During college I was thee fanatical basketball fan.  I waged mental warfare within the band box gymnasium that was the home court for my small liberal arts college stuck in a corn field.  I sat at half court and played cerebral assassin to the visitor.  Chants. Personal attacks. Obnoxious noise that would deafen those around me. All was fair game. I figured I was good for at least three defensive stops and a couple missed free throws per game. I am not kidding. But I never would have dreamed of throwing stuff at players or coaches.

If WVU fans want to have foul and curse laced chants; that’s cool.  I can’t even pretend to be offended by this.  But throwing a 50 cent piece at the team bench?  Throwing stuff on the court? That is where the line is crossed for me.  I mercilessly rag on Philadelphia Phans for the antics they pull but at least it has been awhile since they stoned a rival with batteries. For West Virginia fans the idea of home court advantage appears to mean pelting the court with whatever isn’t nailed down.  Eers’ fans were so unruly, they actually made Bob Huggins look like a decent human being. Do you know how hard that is?  WVU fans have only proven what Pitt fans have always thought of them to the rest of the nation.  You are a bunch of redneck hicks.

Go on act proud to be a hick.  Own it.  Go burn some furniture.  Nothing say WVU won (or lost) like a Molotov ottoman on campus. “Did we win or lose?  Who cares I have a barcalounger and some lighter fluid!”

Throwing stuff on the court and burning living room accessories is for amateurs who lack the creativity to come up with a chant better than Shit on Pitt.  Congratulations…your unoriginal redneck ass now belongs to the Jerk Store.   I can’t wait for the rematch at the Pete. I hope the Oakland Zoo lives up to it’s name.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat