The DSB Wonderlic Test…A Yearly Tradition

1. HBO is filming Hard Knocks during your team’s Training Camp. To prepare for your premium cable television debut you do which of the following:

a. Write your children’s names and ages on your arm so that you don’t look like the bad father you probably are
b. Develop a catch phrase like “kiss the baby” so as to increase your chances of landing a reality TV show
c. Contact HBO about visiting your home during your month long holdout for more money so as to not lose any exposure
d. Start twittering about the entrenched veteran’s wife to create some reality TV controversy and up your screen time

2. You are drunk in a NYC nightclub strip club the night before a game against an interdivision rival. After getting thrown out you:

a. Use your cell phone to call the team’s on-call limo service to take you home
b. Start flashing your “gat” and screaming “Do you know who I am?
c. Find another club…the game is still eight hours away
d. Cancel your credit cards and claim that you did not know what “Club Silk” is or why anyone would charge $8,000 dollars for “Champagne Services”

3. As a rookie in training camp a veteran tells you to carry his pads back to the locker room after practice. You respond by:

a. Immediately punching that disrespecting asshat in the throat in front of 30-40 reporters and camera men
b. Know your place and just go with the flow
c. Remind the veteran that you are a first round pick and that your signing bonus is worth more than his entire career
d. Pawn it off on some practice scrub loser

4. Your talent on the football field got you which of the following at college:

a. A four-year scholarship
b. Others taking your tests to earn you a diploma
c. $180,000
d. All the pussy you could handle

5. Your brother goes on the lam and is being sought by police for multiple felonies right before a critical playoff game; what do you do?

a. Use the media to scrub the story of all negative angles and to make people feel bad for you and your criminal brother
b. Use your brother’s disappearance to “lead” the team and play this one for him
c. Protect this house!
d. Show your in mourning by “Krumping” your sorrow in front of millions before the game

6. You are in a backwater college town bar in the South. An unattractive 19 year old girl is downing shots left and right. What is a two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback to do?

a. Give her a DTF sticker. Boom. She is officially asking for it.
b. Use your entourage of police buddies to run interference while you “help her to the bathroom.”
c. Call her and ask her to fix your TV
d. Text her pictures of your grey appendage

7. You were smoking with your buddies and the “gat” in your pocket went off “accidentally” and you just put a massive hole through your girlfriend’s kidney. Who do you call first?

a. 911
b. Your agent
c. Your lawyer
d. Ray Lewis
e. Coach
f. Parole Officer
g. A taxi
h. Winston “The Wolf” Wolfe

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Bucco Bandwagon with Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn

In a blatant ripoff of KSK’s Tommy from Quinzee (we really don’t have readers anyway), Daddy’s Sugar Ball presents to you Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn who takes solace in the Steelers’ Super Bowl loss with a hopeful look ahead to the Pirates’ upcoming season. Take it away, Sal.

Well the Stillers could not beat the Packers. Color me sur-prized.

/openly wept into his Terrible Towel during the game

The Pens are lozin left and right due to the NHL’s garage league men-tal-it-tea.

/wore a Jagr jersey to a wedding last summer

The league does not respect the free flowing, fast paced hockey that only true hockey purists like me self and millions of other Steeler Nation Yinzers can appreciate. The garbage we witnessed on Friday night at the hands of those Long Island fags is proof that they are notin but a bunch of jagoffs. The league hates Pixburgh and clearly wants to destroy ar team. Sidney should just skip the rest of the season and commence Operation Shutdown.

/lights up a Paul Mall inside Wal-mart ten feet from the exit on his way out to the parking lot

Lucky for me and the rest of Yinzer Steeler Nation pictures and catchers started today at high noon. This is the year the Buccos will make right by those who have been the most loyal, most dead-dic-tated fans in all of baseball. This is the year the Buccos win the division and surprise the entire you-naverse.

/only attends Pirates games black out drunk and heckles players and fans throughout the game

With the recent tragic deaf of former Buccos Manager Chuck Tanner the Pirates now have something to play for. Chuck Tanner was like Hall of Famer St. Dick Le-Bow to that Fam-a-Lee Championship Buccos. The Pirates will raise the Jolly Rodger more times this season than the last two combined. We will win games that there-to-four were not winnable due to the curse of Jim Leyland.

/lights one cigarette off another

Tanner’s departure to the big Three Rivers Blast Furnace Stadium in the sky exercised ar demons. We will win. We will be great again. The days of baseball fans laughing at ar baseball Steeler Nation are oval.

/puts out his red Jason Kendell jersey

Now is the time to get on the Bucco bandwagon. If yinz try to get on the bandwagon after today you will be shot. We will eject you from the bandwagon and we can smell ar own.

/probably smells like Iron City, pastrami, cigarettes and cabbage

Now for the boldness prediction as only a true yinzer can bring: The Buccos will win 96 games this year. You hear it here first and I ain’t jagging ya.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

What are you going to do…charge me with smoking?

People all the world over are asking if actress coke fiend Lindsay Lohan was dressed appropriately when she showed up to court in a short, tight white dress that evoked thoughts of Sharon Stone’s famous police interview in Basic Instinct. DSB has learned that Lohan made the court appearance only after her handlers enablers tricked her into thinking she was attending the grand opening of the newest LA club, Blind Justice. They were forced to lie when it was the only way get her to put down the mirror, straw, and bottle of Grey Goose.

Swashbuckling to the End

To address the rampant truths and rumors surrounding his life, Charlie Sheen released this statement earlier in the week:

I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people. I want to say “thank-you” to my fellow cast members, the crew of “Two and a Half Men”, and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros., especially Les Moonves and Bruce Rosenblum for their concern and support. And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much. Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, “thank-you.”

Charlie’s sword is his penis, right?

Bong Rips

Movie star, chart topper, Disney mega star, and NYT best selling autobiographical author (I’m not making that up) Miley Cyrus had an interview with Marie Claire in which she admitted that doing gnarly bong hits on her 18th birthday was a “bad decision.” She also stated: “I’m not perfect…I made a mistake. I’m disappointed in myself for disappointing my fans.” DSB’s crack undercover research team has uncovered that those quotes were made between hits on a 3 foot glass bong burning some Northern Lights Kush.

The Grammy Awards: Not Getting It Right for 53 years

It was announced last night that Bob Dylan will appear at this weekend’s Grammy Awards and he will perform with Mumford & Sons. The sound you hear is America going “Huh?” Rumor is that Grammy producers were so far unsuccessful in their desperate search of all Los Angeles underpasses and rest stop glory holes looking for Soy Bomb.

Chaz Bono now thinks he has a chance with Kristen Davis

“Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon added to her family earlier this week when partner Christine Marinoni (left) gave birth to a baby boy. Yes, the one on the left is a chick who was apparently created in a laboratory with one part Rupert Grint, open part Rachel Dratch, and one part David Spade. Did all those years on the SATC set with Ol’ Horseface and Granny Snatch leave Nixon impervious to attractiveness as a wanted quality in a lover?

Life is not worth living

Christina Hendricks was seen in Paris last night shopping for lingerie. That sound you hear is me crying after remembering that the Concord was decommissioned years ago and that it would now take me seven hours to get to Paris. Wait for me Christina…No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat