Not Quite Top Ten Times 2!

With Halloween coming up it is time to give you our loyal readers (both of you) some tips for what is, and what is not, good Halloween treats.  Therefore, today we are giving you not one but two Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten lists!

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Good Candy for Trick or Treaters

10. Sour Patch Kids
9. M&Ms
8. Crunch Bar
6. Pay Day
5. Heath
3. Twix
2. Snickers
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (This is not debatable)

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Worst Things To Get While Trick or Treating

10. Sugarless Candy (You asking for the flaming bag of poo.)
9. Werther’s Originals (What am I 80?)
8. Raisins (Everyone hates you.)
7. A piece of gum
5. Candy Corn. (No.)
4. Change (Emptying your car’s ashtray is not a sufficient substitute.)
3. Good n’ Plenty (They are not good candy.)
2. Can of Faygo (What are you a Juggalo?)
1. Toothbrush (GFY)

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bill Simmons Thinks This Is Feisty… It’s Not.

From Bill Simmons’ Friday Mailbag post:

Q: Could Goodell’s cameo in Draft Day become the highlight of his tenure? I mean, he actually gets cheered as he walks onto the draft stage (the most unrealistic moment in a movie LOADED with unrealistic moments, as you laid out in your column). I can just picture Goodell, after he gets inevitably canned, sitting in front of a big screen TV watching and rewinding himself walking onto the stage to cheers in the movie with a blank look on his face like he doesn’t understand what went wrong.

—Chris, Kansas City

BS: There’s no way Goodell saw that movie — it was barely in the theaters and went straight to video, which means they sent him the video and he never got it. (Sorry, I had to.)

…and that is Bill Simmons stirring the pot.  It was the first time he actually said something other than thanking people for their “support” during his three week suspension.  He is actually writing stuff and this is the best shot he can take at his employer’s overly zealous defense of the NFL in all things?

This barely registers for me.  It does not count as anything.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Things I Thought This Weekend

• Painting is a huge pain in the ass. I was painting our kitchen this weekend because Mrs. Bearcat took the two kids and left town for the weekend.  (Bachelor Weekend!  Or so I hoped.) But painting a kitchen is a multi-day event.  It is awful.  Don’t ever do it.  If you don’t like the color of your kitchen put the house for sale and move or commit insurance fraud and burn the place down.  Seriously… just leave the place.
• The NFL desperately wants American Football to catch on in England. They have been playing games there since like 2007.   Why are we flying teams halfway around the globe to play to half empty stadiums there when we have tax payer funded half empty stadiums here?!?!
• Why would any British person want to watch a sport that has this as the export pushing the brand down their throat?

https://vine.co/v/Oh3tAwg9t6x/embed/simple

• Skidz! When will they make a comeback?  I am ready for them.
• Chuck Todd will not be able to fix Meet the Press until the producers figure out that MTP is not MTV.  They book shitty guests.  They cut too many times and cut people off way too early.  And the panel sitting all across from each other is stupid and will never work.  It’s like if you had a party of six and you all sit at the bar to hang out.  It does not work. Max number of people that can sit at a bar and discuss anything is three; and that is pushing it.
• I love John Oliver and his show “Last Week Tonight.” He is doing great work but can we please not call him a journalist or his show news.  It can be HIGHLY informative and its great work but it is not journalism.  No shame in that.  If anything in 2014 that might be the best thing going for its long term success.
• The Garfield Halloween Adventure (1985) is underrated and underappreciated as far as holiday cartoon specials.       /ducks
• Penn State lost to THEE Ohio State University?  No shit…
• Pitt fumbled and lost the ball five time to open the game.  That is the most Pitt thing ever.  Like I always say “Pitt’s gonna Pitt.”
• With NFL locker rooms struggling at times to deal with MRSA how long until a team has Ebola raging through its bench?  I wish I could bet on this.  I would take the Browns and Tampa Bay at even odds and Jacksonville at 3-2 odds.  Can I get a money line on Dallas?  They should be near the top of the boards I think.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Worst State Capitals

10. Pierre, SD

Name a capital after a Frenchy? F U South Dakota.

9. Helena, MT

Its main street is named Last Chance Gulch. I wish I was making that up.

7. Des Moines, IA

When nothing surrounds you for miles and miles except cornfields, a three-story building qualifies as a skyscraper.

6. Carson City, NV

Don’t tell anyone in Carson City that it’s the 21st century. They’re still trying to figure out how to tie up their newfangled cars to the hitching posts.

4. Albany, NY

Historically, Albany has been a city of immigrants. Their latest and most prominent group of residents? Rats.

3. Harrisburg, PA

We can’t even hire a City Treasurer who doesn’t embezzle from a non-profit or declare for personal bankruptcy.

2. Charleston, WV

That smell that permeates everything in Charleston? That’s the odor of burning sofas, overflowing Shoney’s grease traps, and a lack of feminine hygiene products.

1. Trenton, NJ

You have to be certifiably cuckoo bananas to go walking in Trenton after the sun goes down. Baltimore may be Stab City, but this is where Ray Lewis gets rids of the bodies.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Suck It Up and Take It Like You Are Paid To Do…

Bill Simmons came off suspension last Wednesday and since then it has been a whole lot of nothing…  As of my writing we have seen four tweets from The Sports Guy.  Four.

We also got the weekly Cousin Sal and Bill BS report where they guess the lines for next week’s slate of games.  They use this as a way to ham fistedly review the prior week’s NFL results and make what they pretend to be are inside jokes and that we are all on the inside. Generally speaking what they say is neither a joke not are we on the inside.  I used to like this podcast but it got old real quick.  Kind of like everything by Simmons.

While it has been a long… long… time since I was a fan of Simmons’ work I do believe him to be an honest, decent guy.  I just no longer enjoy my football, baseball and other sports columns to be peppered with constant references to Karate Kid, “Basketball Jesus,” Ewing Theory, and Reverse, Double Reverse, Super Reverse on the first and their Reverse while avoiding my desired non-Reverse-Reverse on your anticipated Reverse Jinx.

But I love turmoil more than practically anything so when Simmons got a three week suspension for saying what literally everyone whose pay is not directly or tangentially linked to the National Football League was saying, I was excited to say the least.

I wanted a war of words… I wanted people to quit their jobs in disgust… I wanted what Simmons promised “I’ll go public.”  That is what he said.

So when he put his integrity on the line… and lets not beat around the bush more than I already have… When he said to his bosses “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell…Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast. Please, call me and say I’m in trouble. I dare you.”

Well they called his bluff and it WAS a bluff.

In this week’s podcast he thanked people for their “support” and used his return from suspension as a gag; not a very funny one.

Money talked.

Bill Simmons is owned by ESPN.

If he was going to go public the time has passed.  Now he could still walk when his contract is up in a year but really that is probably not going to happen.  ESPN pays.  They pay well.  He will stay.

#FreeSimmons was a trending rallying cry on twitter.  But free him from what?  He is his own prisoner.  He sold his integrity.  He sold it to ESPN for Grantland, 30 for 30, the access, and the money… so much money.

Don’t feel bad for him.  I don’t. He could have had me in his corner but he took the money. Frankly, I would too.  Money talks. Especially when it’s counted in the millions.

Just don’t trade on your integrity again, Bill.  You already spent that once and we all know you ain’t “going public.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB is launching an App

You read that headline right. We have just completed development for a new app for iOS called Road Beef© (Patent Pending). Road Beef© is the newest development from our team of meth-addled Rhesus Monkeys.

Road Beef© is taking the hook up power of such great apps as Tinder and Grindr and adding important geo-location services and other key features to ensure that today’s modern athletes can get the companionship that they need while spending those long, lonely days on the road.

So how does Road Beef© work?

Great question. Road Beef© begins by providing to you a pre-screened population of possible companions that are tailored to your specific needs.  These categories are developed to the exacting standards of famous professional athletes.

These include:

The Roethlisberger: Fall down drunk college girls that have zero standards and are looking for about 12-14 minutes of your attention.

The Jerry Jones: Strippers… Nothing but coked up strippers

The Visanthe Shiancoe: These ladies can deep throat the softball bat and the ball.

The Jeter: Models and actresses with only the highest of taste (requires an additional charge/gift bag)

The Mark Sanchez: This drops the age range from 19-26 to 16-19.

What about my security?

We here at DSB take very seriously your security.  When you are a sufficient distance away from home the Road Beef© app will automatically detect the change and suddenly become visible on your device’s home screen.  We call this “Tiger Woods Mode.”

When the app geo-locates that you are at your home, the Road Beef© app automatically removes itself from the home screen. This allows the app to be inaccessible while at home and even disappear from your phone when your wife, long term fiancée or baby mama might see it.  This extra layer of security is critical to Road Beef’s© mission.

To use the app while on the road just swipe left and right to either accept or decline the companionship of the ladies.  It’s as simple as that.  No longer will you have to wade through hotel lobbies or VIP tables with exorbitant bottle service costs to gather some companionship. Today, thanks to Road Beef©, it’s as simple as a swipe!

Download today in the App Store.  Only $4.99!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat and ZJ

An Open Letter to Men Going on “Maury” to take a Lie Detector Test

Gentlemen (and I believe that’s the loosest I have ever used that term):

First of all, I guess congratulations are in order on possibly probably cheating on your girlfriend who then thought it would be a good idea to go on national TV. I’m sure Murray is going to love you and the unbelievable story on how the size 16 women’s underwear got under your car seat.

Secondly, you can’t beat the lie detector test. I know Delmont’s cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who says he knows how to beat it. He doesn’t.

Lastly, we seriously need to talk about the green room. While you are waiting to talk to a producer, they will stick you in a non-descript location with a sofa and chairs. This is the green room. I know; the walls aren’t green. Maybe that’s the confusion.

The little musclebound freak who probably needs help getting things out of his freezer, their “special ops expert” Dave Vitalli, will plant a “sexy” decoy in the room with you. You will be videotaped giving her your phone number, making out with her, and trying to bone with this stranger you met five minutes ago.

It’s a trap. There are hidden cameras everywhere. I know you can’t see them, but that’s the definition of “hidden”.

Keep it on the down low,
Max Power

Wild Accusation Time!

JJ Watt is on something.

We all are thinking that right?  His numbers, his play over the past couple seasons (barring his dislocated elbow injury) has made him an absolute animal.

I don’t think a player in the NFL can be this dominating without taking something.  HGH, ‘roids, deer antler spray, “gummies”, “the cream and the clear,” or lion fetus smoothies… I don’t know what it is but it ain’t “modern training and nutrition.”  So eating decent food and lifting heavy things were not available in the past?  This makes zero sense to me…

I half joked two seasons ago that Baltimore Orioles slugger Chris Davis was on something and look at that… HE WAS!

We are at a point in sports where you can just look at a guy, look at his numbers and honestly say… “I think he is on something.”  You can say this and people mostly just shrug in agreement.  Because they probably are and you calling a guy on it with little evidence is reasonable.  Think about that…  It is reasonable in today’s sports landscape to look at a guy and his performance and declare him guilty in your mind.

Is that fair?  Hell no.  But that does not mean I am not right.

JJ Watt has stated that he welcomes HGH testing.  I am sure he means it.  I am also sure that whatever he is on is one step ahead of whatever is being tested.  Without a biological passport (and even then it’s not for certain) you just will never really know.

So where does that leave us?  It leaves us in a bad place.  A place where cheating in sports is assumed and that there is zero credibility for guys that have done nothing wrong beyond just excel.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Saying Happy Birthday is Stupid

I hate saying “Happy Birthday.”

Quick aside:  The above and everything following does not apply to children under the age of 18.  Once 18 you are an adult and the only birthday that is relevant after that is 21 (which is due to dumb antiquated laws about booze but that is another post).

Like I said… I hate saying “Happy Birthday” to adults.  If just always feels forced and I am sure it sounds forced and lame.  I am sure I sound like a dick saying it.  In fact I have actively tried to say it in the past without sounding like a dick.  This of course has the effect of me sounding even more lame and looking like I am trying to force a happy sentiment that I probably do not mean.

Now with everyone’s birthday being broadcast on Facebook its way worse and I feel like even more of a schmuck about it.  Because it’s not like I can just pretend to have forgotten.  It’s right there.

I can hear the birthday person saying… “I saw you updated today.  You wrote something so CLEARLY you saw it was my birthday but you did not even take the five seconds it takes to post a comment?”

There are some people I specifically refuse to give the obligatory “Happy Birthday” comment post to… I am only your friend because I am too lazy or too afraid to unfriend you!

Having to say it in person is stupid.  You are an adult… no one really cares.  The office break room cake?  I especially hate that.

I hate my own birthday…  What do you want?  I want to not have it be my birthday.  Please don’t wish me happy birthday.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: One Season or Less TV Shows

10. The Tick

Reportedly, Amazon has signed actor Patrick Warburton to reprise his role in a new live-action version that lasted only nine episodes 13 years ago. No word if the other three main actors: David Burke (Arthur), Liz Vassey (Captain Liberty), and Nestor Carbonell (Batmanuel) are also part of the reincarnation of the show, but they need to be for it to live up to the original’s genius.

8. My So-Called Life

Ultimately we were exposed to the now classic Claire Danes cry face and the maddening talent of Jared Leto for the first time in this series. But this portrait of a suburban Pittsburgh high school did capture the teen angst perfectly of the plaid and grunge mid-90s.

6. Awake

A terrific series which you should watch in its entirety on Netflix. Jason Isaacs delivers an award-worthy performance as a police detective who lives in separate realities after a fatal car accident splits his life in two. In one reality his son was killed and in the other his wife perished. The drama and mystery of which reality is “real” and who caused the car accident play out over the series’ 13 episodes.

5. Firefly

The renegade crew of misfits living on the outskirts of society led by the spaceship’s captain Mal (Nathan Fillion) flew around for 11 episodes on Fox before getting the ax. Strong DVD sales and large fan support campaigns pushed the show’s popularity to heights it never knew during its broadcast run. Whedonites got some closure on most of their geek fantasies with the follow-up motion picture, Serenity.

3. Freaks and Geeks

If you weren’t in the cool clique in high school, odds are fairly good you fell into one of these two groups. Under the direction of comedy heavyweights Paul Feig and Judd Apatow, the show followed a brother and sister entrenched in both groups. The burners and slackers included Jason Segal, James Franco, and Seth Rogen, while the nerds featured John Francis Daley and Martin Starr.

2. Terriers

Some shows don’t have the structure or premise to run for years and years, but I could have watched the misadventures of Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James as unlicensed private investigators for a long time. Unfortunately, the show never overcame a poor title, drew poor ratings numbers, and FX pulled the plug after 13 episodes.

1. Police Squad!

When the show was cancelled after only four episodes had aired, then ABC entertainment president Tony Thomopoulos said, “Police Squad! was cancelled because the viewer had to watch it in order to appreciate it.” How did this guy get in charge? Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin would go on to entertain millions of viewers in the The Naked Gun series of films.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power