We’re trying something new this week. Welcome to the world-exclusive, first-ever DSB Panel of Experts™ Football Picks! Each of our three editors will be telling you who to gamble on this weekend of the NFL Conference Championships. In the early game, the Arizona Cardinals host the Philadelphia Eagles, and the late game features the Baltimore Ravens at the Pittsburgh Steelers. At this point, you should be very excited. Nowhere else can you get this level and depth of football expertise … at least, nowhere that we know of. If this was a commercial for a blockbuster movie preview, it would look something like this …
Opening scene – just a black screen with ominous music creeping in.
Narrator: “In a world …”
Scene – brief, quick cuts of tackles, passes and runs from the 2008 football season.
Narrator: “… in which terror reigns …”
Scene – more bruising hits and sounds of bones cracking.
Narrator: “… and the world is turned upside-down …”
Scene – three men look to the sky in slo-mo.
Narrator: “One man … no, er, … um … THREE men take it upon themselves …”
Scene – the three men are on a rooftop, looking to each other as the camera pans around them.
Narrator: “To put an end to the chaos.”
Scene – loud rock music in front of a sequence of quick shots of explosions, motorcycles crashing through plate-glass windows, and heavy machine gun usage.
Narrator: “Three times the action. Three times the danger. Three times the fun. Daddy’s Sugar Ball football picks!”
Scene: – the three heroes simultaneously jump to pull off a triple high-five. Fade out to black.
Wow! Are you now properly fired up!? I know I am! Let’s get it on! First up is Managing Editor, ZJ. ZJ is 2-5-1 against the spread in the playoffs, but feels this is his “time to shine.”
| ZJ’s Results | W | L | T |
| Wild Card Round | 2 | 2 | 0 |
| Divisional Round | 0 | 3 | 1 |
| TOTAL | 2 | 5 | 1 |
Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS
The Cards’ defense has stepped up in the playoffs and they’ll have the home crowd behind them, so that favors Pittsburgh West Arizona. Plus, God’s quarterback—Kurt Warner—has been playing at 1999 levels for much of the season, connecting with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, who’s determined to play this week. I still don’t trust their running game and I question if their defense is a mirage. The Wiz will no doubt have his players fired up, but the Cardinals don’t have the big-game experience of the Eagles. Donny McNabb and Andy Reid have been here before, and even opened a can of whoop-ass on Thanksgiving day against the Cards. If Philly can get some production out of a banged-up Brian Westbrook, Arizona’s defense will pause just enough for McNabb to make plays with his arm. Plus, Philly’s defense has been swarming lately, and we all know defense wins in January.
The Pick: Eagles 27, Cardinals 17
STEELERS (-6) over Ravens
What’s up with Derrick Mason? Have you seen him this week? I’ve never heard a peep from Mason in his 23 years in the league. All of a sudden, he’s mouthing off like a WWE villain. What gives?? As if I needed more reason to hate the Ravens. Anyway, no team in the NFL—not even the ones sitting at home—is healthier than the Pittsburgh Steelers right now, and that is what’s swaying my vote (well, that and my obnoxious Steelers bias). The Steelers are peaking now, looking unbeatable last week against San Diego. FWP is finally fully healthy, and that adds another dimension to this offense. The Ravens’ defense is a mirror image of Pittsburgh’s, but CB Samari Rolle is doubtful and Terrell Suggs is a game-time decision; and if Rolle and Suggs can’t go, the Ravens D slips a notch. Ed Reed may get all the accolades, but Troy Polamalu gets the rings.
The Pick: Steelers 20, Ravens 13
Next up is our Content Editor, Max Power. Max has compiled a 3-5-0 record so far, but is confident that he can “teach you a lesson.”
| Max’s Results | W | L | T |
| Wild Card Round | 1 | 3 | 0 |
| Divisional Round | 2 | 2 | 0 |
| TOTAL | 3 | 5 | 0 |
Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS
Am I ready to have Brenda Warner on the Super Bowl stage for the next two weeks? Hell no … am I ready to have the insufferable Philly fans rejoice in another Super Bowl appearance? Hell no … but unless a small nuclear device is detonated in the greater Glendale area, someone has to win this game.
I see Jim Johnson’s blitzing defense wreaking havoc on God’s quarterback and the Holy Trinity of receivers and only Andy Reid’s conservative play calling will keep this game close. Besides what could be worse for Philly fans – losing the NFC championship game or another Super Bowl?
The Pick: Eagles 26, Cardinals 17
Ravens (+6) over STEELERS
How come the national media gives Ray Lewis a free pass? The man was indicted for murder and yet no one … and I mean NO ONE brings this fact up. If Rae Carruth was back in the NFL, every announcer would mention it every time he touched the ball … and he only paid to have someone killed; he didn’t actually stab two guys with his bare hands & a knife.
Speaking of which, it kills me to make this pick – but in the two Steelers/Ravens games this year the Steelers were microscopically better and I just feel like the Ravens are better and more confident now than they were a month ago.
The Pick: Ravens 19, Steelers 17
Finally, we give you our lovable Links Editor, Bearcat. Bearcat is proud to be 4-4-0 in the playoffs thus far, and claims that he is now “removing his pants.” Take that as you will.
| Bearcat’s Results | W | L | T |
| Wild Card Round | 1 | 3 | 0 |
| Divisional Round | 3 | 1 | 0 |
| TOTAL | 4 | 4 | 0 |
Eagles (-4) over CARDINALS
I have been wrong about the Eagles since they tied the lowly Bungles. I will probably be wrong about this one as well but I am rooting for a Philly/Pittsburgh Super Bowl. I want to crush Philly fans. Couple of thoughts about the QBs in this game: Kurt Warner looks like the kind of guy who would own a Segway. Do you want to bet with that guy? Donovan McNabb has the opportunity to get to the Super Bowl and once again rip the still-beating heart from the chest of every Eagle faithful. You know he can do it. So bet on that.
The Pick: Eagles 34 Cardinals 24
STEELERS (-6) over Ravens
The Steelers are going to win this game. They will win this game outright, I know it and more importantly, Vegas knows it. Hence the six-point spread. I am guessing Vegas sees it this way: the Steelers were the most dominant team to play last weekend (the Cardinals blowout does not count because Delhomme obviously either had money on the game, or his family was being held by the mob … hey, did you know that game happened on his birthday? Yeah, bet you did not hear that before … Fox only mentioned it 3,572 times during the broadcast). I also figure that Vegas looked at the Steelers and Ravens teams and has decided that enough people will be expecting a low scoring slugfest (expect CBS’s people to call this a two-chinstrap game at least 5,000 times during the game) that they will be running to drop cash on the Ravens knowing they will cover. Well, if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that Vegas is always right. Vegas is currently giving the Steelers 1.5 to 1 odds of winning the Super Bowl … that’s right, winning. So give the points and laugh at your friends for cheering for a close game. Some things to keep in mind …
1. Future Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau will order James Harrison to have sex with Joe Flacco [Ed. Note: Dick LeBeau ordered the CODE RED!]. He will require penetration on the field. This will happen in front of 68,000 rabidly drunk fans and millions of TV viewers. James Harrison will do this, even though he will be getting held (tackled) on every play because Future Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau can recite The Night Before Christmas from memory and that makes James Harrison want to commit rape for his coach. This is a good thing.
2. Opponent offensive lines have not had a holding call called against them during a Steeler game since before that Illinois governor was a household name that no one could say. This trend continued during last week’s game where Steeler defenders were either held or tackled on what looked like every play. The Rooney’s had to make a phone call this week right? They are not going to put up with this crap any more … I expect the defense to come up huge this week against a rookie QB that is going to have his wings clipped.
4. Hines Ward might decapitate someone. The refs will not throw a flag on the play. CBS will replay the killer block 50 times, people will cheer and fathers will tell sons that is what makes football a man’s game. The NFL will fine Hines 10K on Monday. 5. Pirate spring training tickets went on sale this morning at 10am … we need the Steelers to win because I can’t start listening to Pittsburghers talking about the Pirates yet. I just can’t.
The Pick: Steelers 27 Ravens 10
So there you have it. Your 2008 (2009??) DSB Panel of Experts Football Picks™. What have we learned? First, that we would make awesome action heroes. And secondly, that ZJ and Bearcat are your trustworthy buddies, and Max Power is a no-good backstabbing son-of-a-bitch.
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