Jerk Store: George Lucas

Why he is a jerk:
Far be it from me to begrudge anyone for making money. I love money. The only thing keeping me from loving it more is my serious lack of the stuff. But George Lucas declaring this week that Star Wars would be re-re-released in 3D is just offensive. Lucas will be releasing Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in early 2012. Then every following year the other five episodes will be released. I hate 3D. I went to see Avatar in 3D and it blue blew. Lucas apparently disagreed saying that “the Avatar experience convinced him that Star Wars was ready for the state-of-the-art 3D treatment.” I will just assume that Lucas looked at James Cameron’s $2.7 billion dollar international box office and thought tacking on 3D was a new way to monetize the unlimitedly bankable franchise.

But as a Star Wars fan there is a bigger problem. 3D is inherently a movie experience for children. Grownups don’t need or even want it. So if this is a way to introduce the franchise to a new generation, then why would we actually be starting with Episode 1? The Phantom Menace is clearly the worst of the bunch. Also why would you not start with Episode 4 again? The set up is needed for The Empire Strikes Back (which is clearly the pinnacle of the franchise). I don’t want my children to learn that Darth Vader is Luke’s father via the lousy films. I want them to be blown away as a single handed Luke teeters on an antenna between life and death.

Ultimately this is a franchise so beloved that one has to really ask: Does Lucas need to rework the movies in 3D or otherwise in order to get droves of people to show up and buy tickets? I think the obvious answer is no. If Episodes 4, 5 and 6 were to come to the big screen without 3D I would go and shell out the money to see them. These movies should come back to the theater so that each new generation can drop their jaws as Han and Chewie make the jump to light speed. These films are so iconic and beloved that reworking them in 3D or otherwise is unnecessary.

Lucas can’t just leave greatness alone. Because of that he is frozen in carbonite and hung on the wall of the Jerk Store.

*** Update: DSB has learned that not only are the movies being reworked to feature 3D but also the titles are being considered for an update. Here are the proposed changes:

Episode 1: The Phantom Money Grab
Episode 2: Cloning Dollar Bills
Episode 3: Revenge on Your Wallet
Episode 4: A New Hope for More Money
Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Gold
Episode 6: The Return for Even More Money

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

Paris Hilton was denied entry into Japan today at the airport and was returned home. Japan did not dig her recent conviction for cocaine possession and therefore sent her packing back to the USA. Before getting the boot, Paris was detained at the Narita Airport in Tokyo for over six hours. After Japanese officials told Paris sayonara, she tweeted that she was disappointed to “miss my fans in Asia.” DSB’s Asian bureau informed the home office here in Harrisburg that the people most disappointed to see Paris leave were upskirt photographers and high end drug dealers. The least disappointed to see Paris leave was nearly everyone else in Asia.

In Other Deportation News

Russell Brand was arrested for assaulting a Rafterman-like photographer who was allegedly just following orders to get some “good low-angle stuff” and to “not make it too obvious, but I want to see fur and early morning dew.” Brand’s attack on the would be Full Metal Jacket photographer has lead to felony assault charges that place Mr. Katy Perry’s US visa at risk. DSB is looking forward to his forthcoming exile from this country and send condolences to his future homeland.

Blackmail is More Fun When You See it on TV

Former Mel Gibson punching bag girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva decided this morning was the time to take on the PR backlash following the release of multiple tapes, emails and letters between her and Gibson. Oksana’s lawyer Daniel Horowitz went on Today and was grilled interviewed provided a soap box by Meredith Vieira in which he said the following (with our comments in italics):

“Oksana did not release or sell the audio tapes.” Yeah right, no one believes this.

“Oksana did not release or sell the emails or letters, but they know who did.” So do we… it was Oksana.

“Oksana is broke.” hat is why she sold the tapes.

“The tapes would be worth at least a million dollars.” Only as blackmail. Street value is actually only 5 bucks.

“Oksana never asked for money in exchange for not releasing the tapes.” I guess he forget the part where he just said that they are worth at least a million dollars. They are only worth that to one man. Mel Gibson. This is like watching a shakedown on live TV.

Don’t Call Her a 49er Just Because She’s A Gold Digger

Jersey Shore’s Snooki appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. When asked about her relationship status, Snooki said that she was single and “cannot find that perfect gorilla juicehead…so now I’m thinking more to go to a business guy or Wall Street or something, change it up a little bit. Why not?” Translation: I can’t find the perfect man at the beach or in the club so I am officially starting my gold digging phase. Any takers?

Career: Professional Druggie

Lindsay Lohan has been told by friends and advisors to put her career on hold for the next nine to twelve months so that she can get control of her disease. She has been advised that she should not expect to film any movies for the next year and should focus on getting her addiction under control. Apparently no one close to Lindsay has figured out that currently her addiction is her career and that if she would stop being a train wreck she could just pick up where Mean Girls left off.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Kirstie Alley Called and She Wants Her Muumuu Back

It appears that Jessica Simpson has once again found love and she can’t stop telling the world about Eric Johnson, the former NFL tight end. On Monday, she posted a photo of him on her Twitter account along with the caption, “I have a major crush on you.” DSB finds this totally believable because by the looks of it, Simpson could easily crush anything these days by just sitting on it.

Montana’s Great Wide Open

Montana Fishburne wanted fame and fortune and decided porn was the best route to achieve the notoriety regardless of how it destroyed her relationship with her father Laurence. “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape,” Montana said in July. Apparently things aren’t all rainbows and unicorns for Montana though as TMZ is reporting that she is checking herself into a California facility that specializes in anger management, behavioral problems and mental illnesses. Let’s see…she has easy money at her fingertips (as her dad makes $350,000 per CSI episode), but instead she chooses to follow the Kim Kardishian business plan while taking it up the ass from a guy named Pumper in her latest sex tape. DSB is going out on a limb and confirming she may have some issues that need to be addressed in counseling.

Looking for Megan Fox’s Peach Pit

In the latest Details magazine, actor Brian Austin Green spoke of his six-year relationship with Megan Fox, “It’s not something I ever thought would be serious. But she brought out parts of me that I had lost in my last relationship…Megan was a big part of boosting my confidence.” I completely understand what Green is talking about as I’ve also imagined parts of me being brought out and boosted by Fox on more than one occasion. Needless to say, it wasn’t my confidence.

Where the Wild Things Are

Yesterday on Ellen, the Jersey Shore cast defended themselves and their lifestyle. Snooki attempted to give the viewers a glimpse into their real world, “I think no one knows how we really are. We have, like, different sides. Obviously you see us on the show we party, we do this, and we do that. But outside of the show, we’re very quiet. I’ll go to frickin’ Barnes & Nobles, get a coffee and just sit down and read.” DSB has learned that Snooki’s statement is indeed true and in the next couple of weeks she hopes to find out the fate of the Poky Little Puppy and if the Little Engine really could.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Brady Gawt in a Fackin’ Cahhhh Wreck!! **

Tom Brady and Mistress #1

Early Thursday morning around 6:30 AM, Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady was involved in a two-car accident near the Back Bay area of Boston. Thankfully for millions of New Englanders who have already given up on the Red Sox, he was uninjured in the crash. DSB wondered where Brady was either headed to or coming from at that time in the morning. Here are some initial theories…we’ll keep our readers in the loop if we get to the bottom of this.

• Milking the goats takes place very early in the morning
• Just picking up a box of 50 freshly made Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins
• The Justin Bieber concert afterparty got crazy when they broke out the Mike’s Hard Lemonade
• Gisele is in New York City for Fashion Week – – that means his pick of the skanks at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel bar
• Only available time Brady could get in for his weekly mani-pedi
• Stayed up late at Wes Welker’s sleepover asking the ouija board questions
• Trying to get an early start to his day teaching at Comcast’s Xfinity College
• Blowjobs from Bill Simmons…must he say more?

** Headline stolen borrowed from Kissing Suzy Kolber

Advanced Hygiene 201: Use of the Loofah

Goddammit, man…wash behind your ears

The University of Tennessee’s football program has had a staph infection outbreak among several players. It’s gotten so bad that head coach Derek Dooley had to conduct a team-wide clinic on proper showering technique and hygiene. Dooley elaborated for the press, “We had, I told them, the worst shower discipline of any team I’ve ever been around. So we talked a little bit about application of soap to the rag and making sure you hit all your body. You know, you can neglect it trying to cut corners, and it shows in how you practice and elsewhere. I’m hoping we show some improvement in that.” That’s funny enough by itself, but DSB has learned that Dooley and his staff are inspecting every player’s underwear looking for skidmarks. Apparently, Dooley is chomping at the bit to conduct another training seminar on the proper technique to wipe your ass.

What’s Next…O.J. Simpson as Axe’s New Spokesman?

In the latest Old Spice Swagger commercial, Ravens’ linebacker Ray Lewis emerges from the shower in a blanket of suds and rides a giant raven away as it blows up Saturn. I don’t want to say that it is art imitating life, but someone should contact the Atlanta police because I’m pretty sure the raven may have also been involved in his getaway after Lewis stabbed and killed two people in 2000.

Brooke Hundley = Two Bagger

According to Deadspin, former ESPN production assistant and Steve Phillips’ mistress Brooke Hundley is now doing promotional work for the Giants/Jets games at the New Meadowlands Stadium. DSB reached out to Jets’ coach Rex Ryan for his thoughts on the new addition, “Hot damn…we got ol’ Stevie’s side piece working for us? She’s got a face like Brunell’s foot, but she can suck the chrome off a tail pipe. Keep her away from Nacho…ugly and psychotic, but willing to f*ck is the last thing that boy needs this season. Send her to Flacco’s hotel room with a bag a flour…I hear that he likes pussytubing fat chicks and he’s gonna need the flour to find her wet spot. If that doesn’t work out, I’m sure we can find a place for her on our offensive line.”

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

An Open Letter to Ken Joeng

Mr. Jeong (or more accurately Dr. Jeong),

I would like to introduce a word to you that you may be unfamiliar with…that word is NO.  Are you aware of its existence?  I doubt you know the word or at the very least what it means based on your choices of recent movie projects.

Your story and rise to notoriety is a refreshing one by Hollywood standards.  You attained your medical degree and completed your residency all while performing in theater productions and developing your stand-up comedy routine.  You moved to LA at the urging of then NBC president Brandon Tartikoff and Improv founder Budd Friedman to pursue a career in the entertainment industry.  In the early days you continued juggling both professions as you appeared on MadTV and many sitcoms like The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Two and a Half Men.

But the role that made people notice and remember you was your feature film debut as the substitute gynecologist in Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up.  From there, I have to assume the scripts came rolling in for you to pick and choose from.  Roles in high profile comedies Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, and Role Models quickly followed.  You showed up for a couple of episodes of Party Down and were cast as the Spanish teacher, Señor Chang, in NBC’s Community.  Hell, you even rocked it out with your cock out for all the world to see in the smash hit The Hangover while playing fey crime boss, Leslie Chow.

In each of these roles you were quirky enough and used sparingly enough to gain face recognition and a small cult following.  Maybe you were lucky.  Maybe you just hit on a string of half-decent movies that suitably showcased your talent.  But take a gander at the recent stinkbombs you’ve been in: the Razzie-nominated All About Steve, the Vince Vaughn snoozefest Couples Retreat, the animals revolt against Brendan Fraser (and who can blame them?) Furry Vengeance, the absolutely no one saw How to Make Love to a Woman, and the latest Friedberg/Seltzer spoof Vampires Suck.  That is quite the craptastic resume you’ve put together in the last year and a half.

So what do we have to look forward to from you?  According to IMDb, your immediate career path consists of more talking animals and needless sequels.  First up, you are appearing in The Zookeeper beside Kevin James in his definitive highbrow follow-up to Paul Blart: Mall Cop where the animals at a zoo decide to break their code of silence to help James woo a woman.  Apparently his double-chin and not so subtle humor weren’t doing the trick.  You follow that up with Transformers 3 and The Hangover 2.  Was you schedule too busy to accept a role in Marmaduke or another American Pie sequel?

Maybe the money they’re throwing at you is too good to pass up.  Maybe these scripts are actually funny and don’t translate to the big screen.  Or maybe, just maybe, you are accepting every offer they bring to you.  Do all of us and yourself a favor…learn to say no.  Trust me.  You’re inching dangerously close to Rob Schneider territory.  And no one wants that…not even Rob Schneider.

Max Power

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Sports News the DSB way…

We Are…Drunk and Passed Out

Clint Gyory, Penn State student and the man inside the Nittany Lion suit, was charged last week with public drunkenness and criminal mischief in connection with an incident from earlier in the month.  Gyory was intoxicated with a BAC of .187 and passed out in the bed of a pickup truck when police cited him.  Penn State cheerleading coach Curtis White has taken action due to the allegations and suspended Gyory for one month.  DSB spoke with a number of alumni and season ticket holders for comment on the situation and they all shared the same sentiment, “Why suspend him for a month?  Isn’t making him feign interest in games against Youngstown State, Kent State, and Temple punishment enough?”

He Could Always Roll Crepes at The Magic Pan

On Tuesday, Aroldis Chapman made his major league debut for the Cincinnati Reds with an electric 1-2-3 inning where his fastball reached 102 MPH.  The 22-year old Cuban defector helped the Reds top the Brewers, 8-4, and extend their NL Central Division lead out to 7 games ahead of the St. Louis Cardinals.  In an attempt to temper the expectations of Reds’ fans, GM Walt Jocketty has released the following statement, “We’d like to announce that we have preemptively scheduled Aroldis Chapman for Tommy John surgery with Dr. James Andrews next June 12th.  We decided to plan ahead when we knew how much we were going to rely on him during our postseason run in 2010 and to begin the 2011 campaign.  Dusty Baker is our manager for chrissakes…it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

In a Sticky Wicket

The cricket world was shocked this week when allegations were made of match-fixing and rigged betting by the Pakistani team.  Scotland Yard is investigating the claims that Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir were paid to deliberately bowl no-balls during Thursday’s opening day of the fourth Test that England went on to win by an innings and 225 runs.  At his most recent money grab whoring autograph signing session, Pete Rose was seen cursing the news report when it was learned that he had laid down money on Pakistan getting 220 runs.

Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Cheddar Bob Plaxico Burress received bad news when the New York Department of Correctional Services denied his recent request for work release.  The decision could keep him behind bars until next spring when he becomes eligible for a full release if he is granted time off for good behavior.  DSB contacted the Oneida County Correctional administrator, Chief William Chapple, for comment about Plaxico’s time in his facility.  Chapple stated, “Mr. Burress has been an outstanding inmate during his time here.  The only complaints we have received have come during his time working in food preparation and service to the other inmates.  He has particular trouble keeping a firm grasp on the serving spoons and drops at least one a day.  Mr. Burress also appears disinterested and lacksadasical when his area is not the main course of the meal.”  So, nothing’s really changed much for Plax.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power