The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Beers Consumed During Your College Days

*Please be advised that the majority of this list is not to be purchased upon graduation from an accredited institution of higher education.

It even looks like it is exploding in the ads…

10.  Mickey’s:  If you buy the little ones, they look and feel like grenades and in the hands of a sub-21 year old college student they are basically the same as kissing a mortar shell.  This shit will fuck you up.  I am afraid to even get near this crap after drinking it in college.  If you want to have a great time that you will never remember this is the rot gut for you.

9. Red Dog:  This hooch tastes like it passed through an actual red dog before being canned.  It is not fit for human consumption but given the cheapness, the 30 can pack and the college drinker’s idea of “value” it is an obvious choice when you are desperate and just want to bong beers all night.

More like Shitz…

8.  Schlitz:  The Schlitz motto is:  The most carefully brewed beer in the world.  What is should be is the most carefully brewed third world beer.  This is what beer tastes like after it gets a yeast infection.

PBR me ASAP…

6.  Pabst Blue Ribbon:  Or as you probably call it, PBR.  To say that PBR is not one of the tastiest beers on campus is to be diplomatic.  It is the beer that you get excited when you see the classic red, white & blue can but get instantly disappointed when you pop it open and get that stale beer whiff.   It is cheap.  It is effective.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Girl beer is spelled K-E-Y-S-T-O-N-E

5.  Keystone:  No list of cheap college beer could go without listing Keystone.  Of the three college standbys (Keystone, Natty and Beast) this one is the worst.  It is so bad that this beer is basically just a hangover in a can.  You can get it cheap but the price is not so much out of your wallet as it is extracted from your brain the next day.  This should only be used for flip cup.  Flip cup is a girl game and this is a girl beer; drink only in low volumes.

It’s a 40, but for white people…

4.  Ice House:  Ice House is proud to advertise that they won gold medals in 2003 and 2007 at the Great American Beer Festival proving that they must just give away medals for showing up.  Ice beer is dangerous.  It can lead to time travel i.e. blackouts and pregnancy i.e. death.  This should only be used with strict caution.

No beating around the Busch they put it right out there… they are all about price.

3.  Natural Light:  Impossibly watered down.  It lacks any semblance of taste.  This is like Coors Light but worse.  Natty as it is affectionately called is for the girls who like to stand around and hold the same beer all night while they watch their friend act like a whore after downing five shots of Tequila.  Get to know that girl… not the Natty Girl.

You can either take the Red can or the Blue can…

2.  Milwaukee’s Best Light: Everyone calls this one by its true name.  Beast.  Beast Light is marketed for the hard working 20 something male but for some reason this beer’s main consumer is college frat houses.  Beast is highly respected by DSB for its smooth character and great taste awesome name.

1. High Life: If you are going to spend a couple extra bucks to treat yourself right while drinking cheap beer you can’t beat the High Life.  That being said if you are buying and drinking in bulk this might be a little too pricy for you.  This beer is acceptable for drinking post graduation.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Reasons to Stay in the Dorms

According to your roommate 45% of the stuff in this picture can be made into a “sweet” bong.

The college aged DSB reader demographic is headed back to school in the coming weeks.  As such I am going to try to offer some advice while you are enjoying what will ultimately be the best times of your life.  This week, we will discuss off campus living.  You might be surprised to know that I am categorically against it.  So here are the Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten reasons to just stay in the dorms:

10. Grocery shopping sucks. At first it is cool to be able to grab a cart and throw whatever goodies your little heart desires into it. Frozen pizzas, junk food as far as the eye can see, enough Cheetos to fuel a thousand bong hits.  But going grocery shopping is not fun. It’s a tedious, exhausting and the worst part, a costly activity.  Suddenly Salisbury steak at the cafeteria ain’t looking so bad.

8. Signing a lease is like signing over your life. It is nearly impossible to break a lease in a college town. Once you sign your name on the dotted line, you’re at the mercy of your slum landlord. You’re broke, you hate your roommate, you have personal issues. Tough shit.  Someone is going to pay the 1200 bucks a month and your roommates are not going to be able to float you… they are broke too.

6. A good dorm roommate does not equal a good house roommate.  Think just because you lived together in a room smaller than a VW bug that you can “totally make it work” in an apartment?  Think again.  Dorms don’t require you to clean the toilet, or deal with that funky mold, or scrub dirty dishes, or sign over a monthly cable check.  (SHIT!) People you would have trusted with your life in your dorm days will turn out to be totally unreliable dirtbags when it comes to serious stuff like paying bills on time or keeping their excrement in the bowl.

5. Cleaning is hard work. If you don’t clean constantly, stuff gets dirty. Like right away. Remember all those kick ass house parties you crashed last year? Yeah, somebody had to clean that vomit in the upstairs air duct the next morning. Now, that somebody is you. Congratulations.

4.  The people at your parties will totally fuck up your house. Want to watch at least 16% of your shit get either broken or stolen? Throw a house party.  Yes, chicks will show up and drink all your booze but they are not staying in your shit hole after you and 87 of your closest friends turn your dump into a Mexican ghetto.  They are going back to the dorm with Chad and his super tight graphic T-shirt.  I can see why you want to throw these.

2. Everything costs money. There is a bunch of shit that you never had to pay for while in the dorms…toilet paper, paper towels, a plunger, AC, heat, garbage collection (yeah they make you pay for that shit)…these are all necessities. And they all require you to hand over your hard-earned cash, which you as a college student have very little of.

1. Less is more.  If you have to get off campus this is your mantra. Less is more. Less furniture, less floor space, less clutter, less dishes. Whatever you can afford to downsize before you move into your apartment, DO IT. And remember: anything you move into your new pad, you also have to move out at the end of the year.  And the college year is basically less than 8 months.  KISS. Keep it simple stupid.

Most likely your college apartment is not gonna be filled with designer items & food from Wegman’s. It’s gonna be filled with empty pizza boxes and strewn with empty beer cans from late-night binges, and (hopefully) hot chicks who can’t keep their clothes on. So enjoy it… just know that you can probably have all that while living in the dorms.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Dropping the Deuce – Episode 2

The alarm goes off early…too early. As you lay in bed trying to remember the night before, you recall the amount of alcohol you consumed and your head starts to spin as your stomach starts to churn. You drag yourself to the bathroom and make it in time to take your seat on the throne. As you punish the bowl for the next five minutes, it’s proof of what you put your body through the night before.

The editors here at Daddy’s Sugar Ball dropped the deuce with our second podcast and we’re now ready to let our loyal readers in on the discussion. Bearcat, ZJ, Max Power and special guest Spintrick had a lively beer-fueled discussion regarding the current sports and pop culture landscape.

The topics included for our second podcast were:

Intro
Girl of the Moment (1:20 min mark)
Pete Rose & the Hall of Fame (7:25 min mark)
Baseball Beanings (14:20 min mark)
Beer (18:40 min mark)
College Football – Penn State and beyond (22:05 min mark)
DSB Fantasy Football (31:25 min mark)

And just like our typical posts here on a daily basis, we want to remind you our loyal listeners that at times we may use some profanity, so please be responsible when and where you listen.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

The NCAA and the NFL want you to know that gambling on sports is bad for you…

Don’t look at it or consider placing a bet based on what you read here… It might result in the ruination of sports as we know it…

Betting on sports have been demonized for decades in this country.  We have treated gambling in many forms as a dangerous enterprise that was conducted by the fringes of society and criminal elements.  For years the numbers runners in offices, steel mills and the bar were the only way to play a lottery number.  Eventually states got smart and legitimized the numbers games via state run lotto.  Eventually states started opening slots parlors and in an arms race that developed, table games showed up in a number of casinos around the country.  What was once only in Nevada and Atlantic City has spread across the nation.  But sports book on the
up and up was only in Las Vegas…

But come September 1st sports betting comes to Delaware.  On September 1st you will be able to walk into the casinos of Delaware and place a bet on sports.  The NFL and the NCAA are hyperventilating over this.  All the major sports leagues and the college association filed a joint suit in late July making a complicated claim that the state’s 11 amendment had been violated. You can read all about the legal suit here… a must read link.

In a story ESPN should have been covering but evidently did not find sufficiently important the state of California changed the law this week in regards to “office pools.” Now the running of football pools and March Madness brackets will not get you a felony record and instead has a maximum punishment of a 250 dollar fine for “non-commercial betting pools.”  This change in policy only came after a 73 year old woman had the book thrown at her over a $50 football pool at the local Elks club.  This is madness and not the kind where you find yourself actually pulling for Duke to win a game to save your bracket.

The NFL is in a paradoxical position where they are obviously the biggest beneficiary of sports betting due to heightened interest and a broader fan base (you end up watching games other than the one with the hometown team).  The NFL is tailor made for gambling.  A tight league schedule where parity provides an additional variable of uncertainty in the end result and with nearly all the games occurring on Sunday the parlay is scientifically designed for the NFL.  Monday Night Football is not about giving the players a chance to play on the biggest regular season stage; it is about giving the losers a chance at redemption and about winners doubling up.

The schizophrenic business model that the NFL has created is laughable.  It is sad but Jimmy Dix said it best in The Last Boy Scout: “Why, Joe?  Why is there an injury report in pro football, huh…?  Nobody else has a fucking injury report but the NFL does, so the fucking gamblers will know the SPREAD…the commissioner… those fucking hypocrites!”

The NCAA recently informed the state of Delaware that post-season collegiate play would not occur in their fine state…I am sure that Delaware will be crying all the way to the bank.  While I understand the difficulty of regulating 1,281 institutions especially while some of them are run by Calipari, Rick Neuheisel, and Lane Kiffin, the NCAA’s lobbying pool does not go deep enough for states to just start walking away from billions (that’s billions with a “B”) of dollars in taxable revenue.

The NCAA has said that Delaware’s sports betting plans “would irreparably harm professional and amateur sports by fostering suspicion and skepticism that individual plays and final scores of games may have been influenced by factors other than honest athletic competition.”  This from an institution that has had more points shaving scandals then we would like to count.  The NCAA holds a major bowl in Las Vegas each year in the aptly named Las Vegas Bowl.  You can’t walk off the plane in Las Vegas without staring at slots machines let alone within a hotel.  You can’t tell me that players in that bowl were not dropping some coin…I don’t care how many chaperones were sent along.  UNLV has basketball and football.  Are those games tainted?

Just like the NFL the NCAA has profited greatly from gambling.  March Madness is all about the brackets… and you aren’t filling those out just to see if you did well unless you are ZJ playing against The Girlfriend. ZJ…you disgust me.  Hell, the NCAA has probably done better since they don’t even have to pay their athletes.

As for the NBA they have a team (the Sacramento Kings) owned by hotel/casino owners the Maloof Brothers.  I am sure there is not a sports book in there. As if that were not enough, they had a referee, Tim Donaghy, actually fixing playoff games to cover bets.

The NHL has Rick Tocchet (former Flyer/Penguin) and his multi-state gambling ring and Jaromir Jagr (former Penguin) whose gambling exploits are notorious.  Tocchet should have spent time in the pokey but got off with probation and Jagr has had to settle debts of nearly 1 million with two internet gambling sites… along with Caesar’s who leaked about his failure to pay down debts in an attempt to get him to pony up.

MLB has corporate sponsorships with both Mohegan Sun and Harrah’s Entertainment; both appear to have made a couple bucks based on the rule “the house always wins.”

So after those reviews it is pretty obvious how gambling could cause “irreparabl[e] harm” to these institutions.  I am glad that the major sports leagues and the NCAA feel the need to protect their business by making sure that criminal enterprises control the gambling on their product and not corporations and state governments…that will make it much less likely that they will be “influenced by factors other than honest athletic competition.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

People who are using up my oxygen

Today, I am headed to Nashville via Detroit to find John Gillis and tell him he’s using up my oxygen. You might know him better by the name he goes by now – – Jack White.

• White burst onto the scene as one-half of The White Stripes along with his sister Meg on drums. At least that’s the story they were selling…in all actuality, Meg was Jack’s ex-wife. Court papers have been discovered proving they were married in 1996 and divorced in 2000. And oh yeah, he took Meg’s surname…which his 2nd wife has now.
• White must have sucked off Jann Wenner because Rolling Stone has a huge hard-on for him. They named The White Stripes’ 2003 Elephant as the 390th Greatest Album of All-Time. They also named White the 17th Best Guitarist of All-Time…All-Time!?!?!? They honestly think he’s the next coming of Jimmy Page or something.
• During 2005, it was widely reported that he changed his name for the duration of their UK tour to Three Quid. I’m not sure if he thought he was a character in a Guy Ritchie film or not.
• How many bands does one man need to be in? Even if you’re a prolific songwriter, must you keep pushing it out on the American public in different packages? Aside from The White Stripes, he formed The Raconteurs in 2005 and just this year formed The Dead Weather and released their debut album Horehound on July 14th. Less than one month later, he is slated today to release his first solo single “Fly Farm Blues”. How many Grammys is he trying to win as Best New Artist?

And the best for last…

• One month after meeting British model Karen Elson on the set of The White Stripes’ music video “Blue Orchid” they ran off to get married in Brazil. The wedding took place in a canoe…in the middle of the Amazon River…officiated by a shaman. That’s the Triple Crown of douchiness.

I’ll be the first to admit that I like some of his music…I really like “This Protector” off White Blood Cells and “Seven Nation Army” off of Elephant. And what he did with Loretta Lynn on “Portland, Oregon” is pure magic and one of the best songs of the decade.

But come on, Jack…slow down, take the time to teach your ex-wife Meg how to drum, and stop releasing everything you happen to jot down on a bar napkin.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Movies that Should be Remade

Hollywood has proven time and time again that it is devoid of original ideas. Old movies, TV shows, cartoons, graphic novels, and even toys have been the basis for many of the industry’s most recently anticipated releases. And the American public is buying it, because so far in 2009 seven of the top 10 highest grossing films are sequels or remakes. Normally here at DSB, we are vehemently against the concept…but there are definitely movies that weren’t artistically or financially successful and in our opinion deserve a re-telling and a second audience. Here are DSB’s Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten of Movies that Should be Remade (** Synopses from Rotten Tomatoes).

10. Labyrinth
Synopsis: Fifteen-year-old Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) is so resentful of her baby brother Toby that she hopes he will just disappear. Her dream becomes reality when goblins kidnap the boy, but Sarah unexpectedly finds herself horrified by the loss. So she sets forth to retrieve him, and finds herself on the adventure of a lifetime. To accomplish her task, she will somehow have to reach the center of the fantastical labyrinth where the wicked Goblin King (David Bowie) has imprisoned the lad. But the task is easier said than done, for the maze is filled with strange creatures and mind-bending puzzles that confuse the girl.

DSB: I still remember going to see this movie on its opening weekend back in 1986 and walking out of the theatre stunned at how disappointing and crappy the movie was to watch. The premise is promising but writer/director (and usual genius) Jim Henson relied too heavily on his puppets and two songs (?!?) performed by Bowie. Points also need to be taken away for Connelly’s homely appearance that would come 5 years before her bust out role in Career Opportunities (pun clearly intended).

Who should helm the remake? After conjuring and populating the fantasy worlds of Hellboy and Pan’s Labyrinth, Guillermo del Toro is the perfect director to bring the Goblin King and his empire back to a Cineplex near you.

9. The Secret of NIMH
Synopsis: An exquisitely drawn, colorfully animated feature about Mrs. Brisby, a brave mother field mouse who struggles to save her family’s home from a farmer’s plow. She soon discovers she needs the help of the strange, intelligent rats who live beneath the nearby rosebush in an intricate city. But when the timid but determined Mrs. Brisby discovers the astounding wonders of NIMH, it could change her life forever. From the Hitchcockian flashback sequence revealing the rats’ secret to the moral questions raised about animal testing, this film is a beautiful example of how animation can expertly tell a gripping story while still remaining appropriate and entertaining for children.

DSB: As a kid, I really liked this movie (and the book it was based on), but with the technological advancements these days a live action version could be compelling in the already oversaturated family-friendly market.

Who should helm the remake? Given his success adapting a literary classic while combining live action and computer animation for Charlotte’s Web, Gary Winick seems like the ideal candidate. He might welcome a return to this palette as he also helmed the recent stinkbomb, Bride Wars.

7. Something Wicked This Way Comes
Synopsis: When two boys become involved in the evil plans of Mr. Dark, a magical carnival owner (Jonathan Pryce), they find themselves in danger and responsible for the survival of their entire town! Mr. Dark has a devilish ability to grant wishes, which he uses to his advantage. When he realizes that the boys have discovered his secret, he sets about tracking them down, along with the creepy Dust Witch (Pam Grier).

DSB: The Disneyfied version of the Ray Bradbury novel was actually darker than the Mouse House had been in many of its movies up to that point. However, I think it’s possible to amplify the shadowy elements and sinister tone of the novel and gain the tween audience currently interested in Harry Potter and Twilight.

Who should helm the remake? Tim Burton seems to have two styles for his films: dark or vibrant. Typically, Burton’s best work is in his exploration of the dark elements of a story (see Sleepy Hollow, Ed Wood, Sweeney Todd) as opposed to bright and vibrant (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, possibly Alice in Wonderland?). Plus, with Burton on board you can all but pencil Johnny Depp in to fill the shoes of Mr. Dark.

6. Capricorn One
Synopsis: In order to protect the reputation of the American space program, a team of scientists stages a phony Mars landing. Willingly participating in the deception is a trio of well-meaning astronauts, who become liabilities when their space capsule is reported lost on re-entry. Now, with the help of a crusading reporter, they must battle a sinister conspiracy that will stop at nothing to keep the truth a secret.

DSB: In today’s age of the relentless 24-hour news cycle and corporate mistrust, this story is more relevant and important today than it was back in its 1978 release.

Who should helm the remake? If you’ve seen the superb thrillers Breach or Shattered Glass, you know that director Billy Ray excels at presenting fear and paranoia on the silver screen. Ray could take this concept and make it his own.

4. Phantasm
Synopsis: Mike, a young teenage boy who has just lost his parents, is afraid to lose his brother. This fear causes him to follow his brother to a funeral, where Mike witnesses the Tall Man lift a coffin on his own. Mike heads to the grounds of the mortuary, which is home to very bizarre happenings, including a unique security device. Enlisting the help of his brother Jody and ice cream salesman Reggie, Mike attempts to vanquish the Tall Man.

DSB: Considering they’re remaking every horror movie under the sun, I’m a little surprised Phantasm hasn’t gotten the treatment yet. Quite honestly, this movie freaked me out a lot and part of its charm was its low budget feel.

Who should helm the remake? I think a remake could find mainstream success if it would explore the aspects of a psychological thriller more than becoming a bloodfest. Director Gore Verbinski previously mined the same territory in The Ring and he would do an excellent job with this storyline.

2. The Last Starfighter
Synopsis: Teenager Alex Rogan lives and works in the trailer-park that his mother owns. His life consists of contemplating his rather bleak future, and waiting for word on his college loan application to arrive. One night, all of this changes forever. Alex possesses an extraordinary skill at video games, and when this skill attracts a space-travelling recruiter looking for pilots to protect the galaxy from outside forces, he suddenly finds himself on another planet in the middle of an inter-galactic war. It seems that his game-playing abilities are an invaluable military asset to the embattled “Star League of Planets.”

DSB: When this movie was released 25 years ago, videogames were just starting to find a foothold in homes. The advancement of the graphics, connectivity to the web, and game interactivity have made videogaming even more realistic than ever before. Technology has allowed every kid in America to picture himself in the game and that is a built-in audience that would connect with this story.

Who should helm the remake? Marc Forster has piloted very diverse movies in his career. Combining the personal storytelling found in Monster’s Ball or The Kite Runner with the fantasy facets of Finding Neverland and the action sequences of Quantum of Solace, Forster is the right man to bring all of those elements together in one film.

1. Flash Gordon

Synopsis: New York football star Flash Gordon vaults into outer space to battle the nefarious Ming, supreme ruler of the planet Mongo. Ming intends to conquer planet earth, and hunky Flash teams up with several of his daring female admirers, as well as the brilliant Dr. Zarkov, in an effort to thwart the monomaniacal evil-doer.

DSB: In a day when every comic book character is getting a movie, Flash Gordon needs to be revisited. The 1980 original turned the volume up to 11 on the camp value and the corresponding rock opera by Queen. The movie’s ambitious intentions were let down by the cheesy and subpar special effects.

Who should helm the remake? As the mastermind behind the Evil Dead films, Sam Raimi knows a little something about walking the fine line around campy silliness. His further experience with the Spider-Man series makes him the perfect director to re-boot Flash into a potential franchise.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: People that wear Ed Hardy

Why they are jerks:
We have all seen the ubiquitous shirts designed by Ed Hardy, and his ensemble being sported by many men and women in the last 2 years. They are easily recognizable by their over the top graphics, skulls, dragons, and utilization of the bedazzler for three digit price tags. These shirts have been spotted on the backs of Bret Michaels, Little Wayne, Criss Angel, Madonna, Miley Cyrus and your local 20-something douchebag.  These trophies of tastelessness and their cheaper and even more offensive knockoffs have spread faster then the Rock of Love girls (who are their biggest fans). The most painful part of this trend other than the ability to make my eyes bleed is that they don’t seem to be going away.  Unlike No Fear and von Dutch gear, this garbage will not go away.  Who the hell spends 200 bucks on a freaking T-Shirt anyway?  That alone gets you in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: The Best Buy Security Guy

Why he is a jerk:
You know who I am talking about… the loss prevention guy at the front of the store who is either an ex-con, an ex-cop or both. He is pure beef… His yellow polo shirt is designed to ensure that you can’t miss him but also to create a false sense of levity when you show him your little register slip for the new Scorpions box set. He wants to see your receipt and he will not let you exit his supremely crappy store until he can mark it with his all powerful highlighter.  It is against company policy but if you so much as think of shoplifting he has already planned how he will drop you like a sack of potatoes and then force you to tap out MMA style. He legitimately thinks that it’s unfair that as Best Buy security he is not allowed to carry a Glock. He has so much rage bottled up inside of him it is best to just steer clear of this Jerk.   Other Best Buy guys who are eligible for Jerk Store admission:  The Wanna Be White Rapper in Car Audio, The Home Theater Lifer (20 years at Best Buy and the now defunct Tweeter) that talks about “dirty electricity” degrading your HD signal I’m not making that up and the pervy Geek Squad guy who needs to sign up for Proactiv.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat