Jon Taffer’s Franchise Rescue

V.O.: This year, many failing sports franchises nationwide will close their doors for good. If things don’t change soon, the Washington Redskins in Ashburn, Virginia will become just another statistic.

In May 1999 lifelong fan and telemarketing entrepreneur Dan Snyder purchased the football team for $800 million dollars. Even though the deal was financed largely through borrowed money, it was at the time the most expensive transaction in sporting history.

Dan Snyder: Whatever it takes to win, let’s do it, let’s do it no matter what. The fans deserve it, the players deserve it, I deserve it, you know?

V.O.: Since acquiring the team, the Redskins’ annual revenue increased almost 250 percent and Snyder coaxed Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs out of retirement.

But soon the diminutive owner turned the Redskins’ reputation from storied franchise into a perennial cellar dweller in the NFC East.

Now with a team mired in incompetence and dysfunction, Snyder has agreed to pull back the doors, bust open the books, and make a call for help…to Jon Taffer and Franchise Rescue.

/Black Chevy Suburban pulls up

Jon Taffer: So guys, here we are at the Redskins’ headquarters in Northern Virginia.

V.O.: For recon Jon brings in the best…Bill Polian, long-time football executive and architect of the Indianapolis Colts’ Super Bowl championship in 2007. With his background in scouting and skills in salary cap management, Polian can help raise the talent level of a team that finished just 4-12 this season.

Also along with Jon is Super Bowl winning coach Bill Parcells who can revive the motivation and discover any issues on the coaching staff.

Jon Taffer: This team, this organization has won five NFL championships in its rich history. But they’ve only won two playoff games in the last 20 years. And let’s be honest guys, since Dan Snyder has bought the team there’s been one public relations nightmare after another.

/hidden cameras show the inside of Snyder’s office

Jon Taffer: There’s Dan in his office now.

Dan Snyder (on phone): The trees need to be removed! I demand it! Lovey needs to see the Potomac!

/new GM Scot McCloughan walks in and sits down

Jon Taffer: There’s their new General Manager, Scot McCloughan. He was a big part of the recent successes of both the 49ers and Seahawks.

Bill Polian: No one doubts Scot’s expertise in player evaluation but he also had to quit his last job in Seattle. His battles with alcohol are well-known in league circles and hopefully he’s put that behind him.

Bill Parcells: That’s a big roll of the dice for this team, wouldn’t you say?

Jon Taffer: You make risky decisions when you’re desperate. Let’s all go in and see what we have to work with.

/Taffer walks into Snyder’s office

Jon Taffer: Dan, I’m Jon Taffer.

Dan Snyder: Nice to meet you Jon. How may I help you?

Jon Taffer: How may you help me? I’m here to help you!! Call everyone into the conference room, we’re having a staff meeting right now.

Dan Snyder: But…but…

Jon Taffer: NOW!

/Taffer stands in front of a bunch of employees in the conference room

Jon Taffer: My name is Jon Taffer. I’m here to save this franchise. Dan has run this team into the ground and acted like the players and coaches are from his own personal LEGO set. The fan experience at FedEx field is one of the worst in the league. This man here has served expired and out of date beer because why the hell not. He’s wasted millions of dollars on big name free agents way past their prime. He’s more invested in winning the offseason. And I haven’t even touched on the silly, out of date logic he has to hanging onto the offensive Redskins name.

Dan Snyder: But the name is about honor. It’s respect. It’s pride. And I think that every player here sees it, feels it, every alumni feels it, and it’s a wonderful thing, it’s a historic thing.

Jon Taffer: Shame on you.

Dan Snyder: But…

Jon Taffer: Shame! On! You!

Jon Taffer: I don’t embrace excuses. I embrace solutions. I’m here to turn this franchise around. What I want to understand from all of you is a little about what’s going on.

Bruce Allen: Jon, I firmly believe we’re winning off the field.

Jon Taffer: What do you even do here?

Bruce Allen: I’m in charge of Harvest Fest and …

Jon Taffer: Get out!

/Allen hangs his head and leaves

Jon Taffer: I don’t do this alone. These are my two friends and experts: Bill Polian and Bill Parcells.

Dan Snyder: Ohmygod…ohmygod…ohmygod. Mr. Parcells will you be our new head coach. I’ll give you a kajillion dollars.

Bill Parcells: Um…Jay Gruden is standing right there. Isn’t he already your coach?

Dan Snyder: Not if you say yes.

Jon Taffer: You will not be hiring anyone while I’m here.

Dan Snyder: Well, we just hired Joe Barry as our new defensive coordinator.

Bill Parcells: Rod Marinelli’s son-in-law?

Dan Snyder: Yep.

Bill Polian: The guy that went through a Wendy’s drive thru naked?

Bill Parcells: Nah…that was a different assistant coach with the Lions.

Dan Snyder: Is that guy available?

Jon Taffer: Shut it down…Shut it down now! SHUT! IT! DOWN!

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Worst State Capitals

10. Pierre, SD

Name a capital after a Frenchy? F U South Dakota.

9. Helena, MT

Its main street is named Last Chance Gulch. I wish I was making that up.

7. Des Moines, IA

When nothing surrounds you for miles and miles except cornfields, a three-story building qualifies as a skyscraper.

6. Carson City, NV

Don’t tell anyone in Carson City that it’s the 21st century. They’re still trying to figure out how to tie up their newfangled cars to the hitching posts.

4. Albany, NY

Historically, Albany has been a city of immigrants. Their latest and most prominent group of residents? Rats.

3. Harrisburg, PA

We can’t even hire a City Treasurer who doesn’t embezzle from a non-profit or declare for personal bankruptcy.

2. Charleston, WV

That smell that permeates everything in Charleston? That’s the odor of burning sofas, overflowing Shoney’s grease traps, and a lack of feminine hygiene products.

1. Trenton, NJ

You have to be certifiably cuckoo bananas to go walking in Trenton after the sun goes down. Baltimore may be Stab City, but this is where Ray Lewis gets rids of the bodies.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

An Open Letter to Men Going on “Maury” to take a Lie Detector Test

Gentlemen (and I believe that’s the loosest I have ever used that term):

First of all, I guess congratulations are in order on possibly probably cheating on your girlfriend who then thought it would be a good idea to go on national TV. I’m sure Murray is going to love you and the unbelievable story on how the size 16 women’s underwear got under your car seat.

Secondly, you can’t beat the lie detector test. I know Delmont’s cousin knows a guy who knows a guy who says he knows how to beat it. He doesn’t.

Lastly, we seriously need to talk about the green room. While you are waiting to talk to a producer, they will stick you in a non-descript location with a sofa and chairs. This is the green room. I know; the walls aren’t green. Maybe that’s the confusion.

The little musclebound freak who probably needs help getting things out of his freezer, their “special ops expert” Dave Vitalli, will plant a “sexy” decoy in the room with you. You will be videotaped giving her your phone number, making out with her, and trying to bone with this stranger you met five minutes ago.

It’s a trap. There are hidden cameras everywhere. I know you can’t see them, but that’s the definition of “hidden”.

Keep it on the down low,
Max Power

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: One Season or Less TV Shows

10. The Tick

Reportedly, Amazon has signed actor Patrick Warburton to reprise his role in a new live-action version that lasted only nine episodes 13 years ago. No word if the other three main actors: David Burke (Arthur), Liz Vassey (Captain Liberty), and Nestor Carbonell (Batmanuel) are also part of the reincarnation of the show, but they need to be for it to live up to the original’s genius.

8. My So-Called Life

Ultimately we were exposed to the now classic Claire Danes cry face and the maddening talent of Jared Leto for the first time in this series. But this portrait of a suburban Pittsburgh high school did capture the teen angst perfectly of the plaid and grunge mid-90s.

6. Awake

A terrific series which you should watch in its entirety on Netflix. Jason Isaacs delivers an award-worthy performance as a police detective who lives in separate realities after a fatal car accident splits his life in two. In one reality his son was killed and in the other his wife perished. The drama and mystery of which reality is “real” and who caused the car accident play out over the series’ 13 episodes.

5. Firefly

The renegade crew of misfits living on the outskirts of society led by the spaceship’s captain Mal (Nathan Fillion) flew around for 11 episodes on Fox before getting the ax. Strong DVD sales and large fan support campaigns pushed the show’s popularity to heights it never knew during its broadcast run. Whedonites got some closure on most of their geek fantasies with the follow-up motion picture, Serenity.

3. Freaks and Geeks

If you weren’t in the cool clique in high school, odds are fairly good you fell into one of these two groups. Under the direction of comedy heavyweights Paul Feig and Judd Apatow, the show followed a brother and sister entrenched in both groups. The burners and slackers included Jason Segal, James Franco, and Seth Rogen, while the nerds featured John Francis Daley and Martin Starr.

2. Terriers

Some shows don’t have the structure or premise to run for years and years, but I could have watched the misadventures of Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James as unlicensed private investigators for a long time. Unfortunately, the show never overcame a poor title, drew poor ratings numbers, and FX pulled the plug after 13 episodes.

1. Police Squad!

When the show was cancelled after only four episodes had aired, then ABC entertainment president Tony Thomopoulos said, “Police Squad! was cancelled because the viewer had to watch it in order to appreciate it.” How did this guy get in charge? Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin would go on to entertain millions of viewers in the The Naked Gun series of films.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Welcome Back to Daddy’s Sugar Ball 2.0

Well dear readers… if you are reading this you have found the redux version of Daddy’s Sugar Ball. If you were a reader from our long ago shuttered website welcome back. I am sure you guys have some questions so let me see if a quick FAQ can help.

Why did you shutter the last website?
It got stale. Even by our recycled dick jokes standards there was just not that much to explore at the time. Also we all got real busy with families, work, crippling alcoholism…

So you are back?
Maybe… We might put up some new material from time to time.

Is ZJ going to write anything? His stuff was actually coherent.
ZJ is still currently working on his magnum opus about how college football (specifically Penn State football) is nihilistic and that charity is worse than the Nazi state. Deep stuff. We expect it to be completed around Columbus Day 2018.

Will Max Power write some stuff?
When Max is not writing for a blog about Harrisburg’s mayfly population and mostly forgotten players of the Senators minor league baseball club he is busy being “special” for legitimate publications that are currently hemorrhaging cash on century old business models. We will have to see.

SpinTrick? Mr. Football? Will that guy start writing?
Unlikely… he was mostly a special guest on podcasts and did not waste much time with our old crappy website so I doubt you will see him on here. He was actually funny. That did not fit our last format; unlikely to change now.

Is the Chain Smoking Capuchin Monkeys Investigation Team still around?
Unfortunately, no. After 17 years of Marlboro Menthols the capuchin monkeys developed various forms of untreatable* cancer and they took their careers in a difference direction**.
* By “untreatable” we mean “expensive”
** By “different direction” we mean we had them put down. It was mostly painless.

So just Bearcat? He fail English.
Yeah… that might be it for a while. We apologize.

Will you be doing reviews of craft beers and local bars?
That did not go well the first time we tried it. Besides now that Sara “I love literally everything ever” Bozich is now on the craft beer scene for Central PA we just aren’t that interested.

Will you guys be “cracking one open” for the podcast again?
That is a great question and the answer is, “we hope so.” But only if we can do it with minimal work by Max Power. The editing for him was just too much. We need to find a way to do it in one take. In all likelihood it will still suck but now it will just suck in one take. That’s what we here at DSB call progress.

Are you still the “Official Sports Blog for Central Pennsylvania?”
Unfortunately when we shuttered the old sight Max Power traded that commodity for some hobo chili and a hand job to Former Mayor Linda Thompson’s Loveship Inc. charity. So now we are the Unofficial Spinoff/Zombie site of Mayflies and Big Flies. Kind of like Ebay and Paypal with Pets.com but with even more fake Internet bubble money!

Welcome back and thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball!
Bearcat

Ray-Ray and His White Suit

This blog used to update.  You may even remember those days.  One recurring topic was my loathing of Ray Lewis or as I like calling him, Ray-Ray.

I have multiple posts ranting about his dancing, his human victory cigar style late to the tackle playmaking, his pseudo-preacher life and his eventual turn as elder statesman of the NFL.  They all pretty much say the same thing.  I hate Ray-Ray.  As a Steeler fan I can’t stand the man but in another sense I really despise his makeover.

His makeover is now nearly complete.  On Wednesday, Ray-Ray announced that he will be retiring from the NFL after this season; one last Super Bowl run.  It does two things.  Ray-Ray thinks it will fire up his team to get him one more ring…

/gag

Secondly, it allows for the media to fawn all over him as he takes the field for the last time this postseason.  We all know this is what is most important to Ray-Ray.  His look-at-me antics define him.

Since the announcement sport reporters have been falling all over themselves to drape that golden Hall of Fame blazer over his shoulders.  It is a jacket he will undoubted get after waiting the request five years.

But let’s not forget another jacket Ray-Ray wore… a white suit on January 31, 2000.  That was the suit Ray-Ray was wearing the night Richard Lollar and Jacinth Baker were stabbed to death in Atlanta outside a night club.

Richard and Jacinth got into an argument with Ray-Ray’s entourage inside the club.  Later they were found stabbed to death by knives that were purchased from sporting goods store where Ray-Ray made an appearance the day before.

The knives were purchased by members of Ray-Ray’s entourage.

Witnesses that night stated that they saw the limo used by Ray-Ray that weekend pull over and dump “bloody laundry bag into a dumper.”  The limo driver testified that Ray-Ray told everyone to “keep your mouths shut” and “don’t say nothing.”

The limo was filled with evidence linking it to the murders.

Ray-Ray’s white suit was never found.

He was charged with murder and aggravated assault.

These charges were dropped and Ray-Ray took a deal for obstructing justice in exchange for testimony against two of his friends.

“…keep your mouths shut” and “don’t say nothing.”

Ray-Ray ratted on his buddies.

Both were later acquitted.

Maybe he was just a bystander.  We will never know.  The white suit probably told the whole story.  Was it drenched in blood or was it just a little splatter?

Either way… he was at the center of a double homicide.

By 2004 he was on the cover of Madden.

This year he sweetly answered the questions of a little girl in a purple dress for Visa.

In five years he will wear a golden blazer and have a bust in Canton.

I just want to know what he looked like on January 31, 2000 in his white suit.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

NHL Self-Immolates

DSB’s crack investigative team of chain smoking capuchin monkeys was on assignment covering the NHL negotiations meltdown… Here is what they uncovered.

NHL Owners:  So we have a problem guys.  We cannot control ourselves.  We have a pathological need to throw huge sums of money at players.  We especially love to do it to middle of the road players that will never be a house hold name.  Also we have expanded the league too far.  We have teams in places that will never embrace hockey.  So basically what I am saying Players Union is that we are too stupid to run this sport.  We need you to stop us from catapulting large sacks of money at you.  We can’t stop ourselves so we need you to legally bar us from giving you more money.  Also those insane contracts we just gave you a couple months ago… those contracts for 18 years and with insane guaranteed dollar amounts.  Yeah those… we don’t want to abide by them.

Players Union:  Hmm… I do like having huge sums of cash thrown at me.  It is pretty nice.  I do agree that you are really stupid but I can see that I will still make an insane amount of money even if I hand cuff your purse strings.  I think a 50/50 split of hockey related profits is a fair deal.  Can we go back to playing hockey?

Owners:  50/50 sounds pretty good.

Fehr:  YOU CAN GET MORE!  We are getting close.  Time to ask for more stuff and to really screw this thing up!

Scott Hartnell…Human Garbage

Players:  Oh right… I am just as stupid as you are!  I nearly forgot.  I want a make whole remedy.  You need to pay me for games that were canceled.  You can’t just walk away from all those game checks this season.  I want paid for games I did not play.

Owners: Well… that seems like of excessive but I want a deal.  I will give you some of your make whole remedy request.   I am not going to pay full price for games you did not even play.  We have lost at least 25 games off ever schedule this season already.

Players:  Um… okay.  I think we are really close.  But first I want to go out and do some PR because that is where deals get made not at the bargaining table.  I need to go out and tell the press we are really close and get everyone’s hopes up.  More importantly I can watch Fehr inflate his self-importance and get some camera time.

Bettman:  THE PLAYERS ARE TOTALLY SCREWING YOU!  They also were looking at you funny.  They are going to get some good press and look like they helped get a deal by being reasonable.  STOP THEM!

Owners:  Oh shit!  Nuke this deal.  Do it NOW.  DO IT VIA VOICE MAIL!!!  Now Bettman, go out there to the media and justify how you are doing a good job while having two protracted work stoppages in eight years.  Now gentlemen lets go drink some infant blood and smoke cigars rolled between the thighs of virgins.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Your 1984 Pittsburgh Pirates

Chuck Tanner: Which base were you throwing to?

Dale Berra:  Seventh?

Tanner:  He’s done.  Hey, Murray!  Get him out of here.  Who we got?

Berra: Sixth?

Murray (Bench Coach):  Ahh, Chuck the best we can do is bring in Belliard… and he is currently getting a… well a “massage” in the locker room.

Tanner: Christ on a cracker… What is Milner doing?

Murray:  He just tore up his jersey looking for his “secret pocket” and is sweating buckets.  We can’t send him out there.

/Berra calls over the Pirate Parrot waving a couple 20s.

Tanner:  What the hell are you doing?

Berra:  Just trying to get a bump, coach.

Tanner:  Get on the bump?  We got Rod Scurry out there.  The man just wants to throw gas today.  Hey Rod!  How about an off speed pitch here or there buddy?

Scurry:  Coach… I’m pretty sure that today I can both pitch and catch.  I can catch my own pitches.  This means you can use four guys in the outfield and seven on the infield.

Tanner:  What the… Will you just throw the damn ball?

/John Milner runs out of the dugout.

Milner:  Hey Lee!  You got any more suga’?  I got the itching again.  You owe me after I let you go back door on my old lady last night!  Don’t even pretend I don’t know!  You got to pay to ride that train!

Lee Mazzilli:  I don’t owe you shit.  I dropped an eight ball in your lap on the bus ride yesterday.  What the hell are you doing looking for more?  Besides it was Lee Lacy with your woman last night?

Lee Lacy:  Wrong.  I was busy cutting my new batch with some rosin all night?   I’m pretty sure it was Lee Tunnell.

Tanner:  Milner, get the hell off the field.  How many guys named Lee do we have on this team?

Ump:  Hey coach… what you got going on here?  You going to make a change?

/Dave Parker walks over and lights up a J

Parker:  Hey Ump… it’s all cool.  Don’t be harshin’ the mellow around here.  We just got to get a rotation going.  Puff, Puff, Give.  Al’right?

/Ump rings Parker up

Ump:  You’re out of here!

Parker:  Whoa… You got an issue my man?

Ump:  Chuck you better get a hold of your crew or this game is over!

Tanner:  You got your own problems Ump.  The batter looks like he is scooping up all the chalk from the batter’s box.

Tim Raines:  Hey Ump, can I use your little brush?  If this game is over then I am taking all THIS back to the hotel… because when it Raines, IT POURS BABY!!!

Dock Ellis:  What about me?

Parker:  Common misconception.  You were off the team after the ‘75 season.  Sorry old buddy but we don’t need you in this bit.

Berra:  Right field?

Tanner:  What are you blabbering about Berra?

Berra:  Where the ball should go…

Tanner:  Right… Damn… now Berra just pretend like the ball is… ah…forget about it.  Get me a beer.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

A Super Crappy Running Diary

Welcome back DSB readers, I am sure both of you are excited to see that I am taking the time to write another Running Diary full of misspellings, run-on sentences and retread jokes that were not necessarily funny the first time around.

This was my favorite part of the Super Bowl…

A quick note about the pregame.  NBC first asked Archie Manning about the prospect of Pey-Pey playing in New York City with Eli and the look on his face was priceless.  The man is so desperate to have this scenario play out he can taste it.  It was obvious.  What a self-aggrandizing asshole.

After an interview with Bob Kraft about the loss of his wife and the impact on the team, Rodney Harrison says that Myra Kraft “was the Patriot way.”  I always assumed that Harrison thought the Patriot way was to be a cheating hack and to be widely considered the league’s dirtiest player.

And Cris Collinsworth wears jeans from his playing days.  They are at least 20 years old.  I can’t believe NBC let him get in front of a camera dressed like a hick seed from three decades in the past.

Costas called the Patriots “the NFL’s model franchise.”  Like Spygate never even happened…

6:17pm  Why is Kelly Clarkson the biggest star they could get to do the National Anthem?  Also country music is the fucking worst… Naturally, Al Michaels call is rousing.

6:25pm Belicheat is looking extra homeless tonight.  Clearly, this is an advantage for the Pats.  While we are talking advantages I like the Pats to win but will be rooting for the Giants.  God help me if the Patriots get four rings…

6:27pm  This seems like a good time to let you know that the first beer of the night was Allagash Black Belgian Style Stout… it was fantastic.  Right now for kick off I have a Bell’s Hopslam.  ZJ loves this beer and for good reason.  It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

6:29pm  Kickoff

6:32pm  Every play thus far has involved Al Michaels reminding us of various plays that each individual participated in during the past season.  I have no reference for any of this stuff.  I think he just wants to show off that he watches a lot of football and did his homework.  Hey Al, no need to “show all work” this is not algebra.

6:35pm  Bud Light Platinum is triple filtered.  That way they get rid of any of that beer like flavor…

6:39pm SAFETY!!!! Holy Shit!  That is fantastic.  That just made my night.  That was 50-1 odds.

6:43pm  Hynoski… The Polish Plow.  FROM?  Pitt.  Great nickname.

6:47pm   The Patriots can play awesome defense when they have 12 men on the field.  Bill Simmons is wondering what is wrong with that defensive scheme.

6:50pm Cruz with the TD.  9-0 I couldn’t be happier at this point.  And NBC plays salsa music for Cruz.

6:51pm  Bud Light Platinum says that good things come for those that wait.  If the good thing Bud Light I would rather just continue to be a rampant asshole.

6:55pm  The Bridgestone Halftime show will be brought you at halftime by Bridgestone.

6:57pm  I would love to be at the party where a Pats fan has 9 and 0 in his Super Bowl square.  He has to be so conflicted.  That would be fun to watch.

7:04pm  9-3 after the FG.  The Chevy ad with the “Best Gift Ever” has best commercial thus far status.

7:08pm  “Without GE there would be no Bud?”  I hate General Electric.

7:10pm  “His chip block is assault and battery”  Ray Lewis is wondering what crime his play corresponds with… Criminal conspiracy and homicide seem right up his alley.

7:15pm I wonder if Pats’ Patrick Chung has named his penis “Wang Chung.”   I am 100% sure he has.

7:32pm  Gronkowski finally makes a catch and somewhere XXX Starlet Bibi Jones starts riding her bed post.

7:35pm  So If I get flowers from Teraflora for a Victoria’s Secret model Adrian Lima I get to receive?  That would be totally worth a 50 dollar half dozen rose set with ugly ass vase. She was alluding to a BJ right?

7:42pm  This salsa if awesome.  I am basically going to eat the entire jar.  I kind of felt like being honest about the fact that I am complete fat ass.

7:45pm  JPP with a huge stop inside the 2 yard line.  Chris Collinsworth just said “He is not a regular human being.”  HGH and steroids does that Chris.

7:46pm  Woodhead with the TD catch.  10-9 Patriots.

7:52pm  New beer Fegley’s Hop Explosion.  Lots of grapefruit flavor and serious hops.  A west coast type IPA and pretty good.  I would seek this one out.

7:46pm  Rodney Harrison may be working for NBC but he is clearly just a shill for the Patriots.  He thinks the Patriots have played the best first half of football of all time.

8:03pm  Madonna Crotch…. On my TV.  BTW:  Sean Penn has been there.

8:10pm  Is Cee Lo Green wearing a trash bag?

8:13pm  The Voice commercial was scary.  Betty White’s eyes may have been up here but her tits were on the floor.

8:17pm  The Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial is fantastic.  Chryslers still suck… but a great commercial.

8:25pm  TD Hernández 17-9 Patriots… this game is not great.

8:58pm  I totally blacked out… I might have put myself into a salsa coma.

8:59pm  The NFL used Ray-Ray to shill for the league talking about player safety in a commercial to lead into the fourth quarter.  The NFL turned to a murderer who ratted out his buddies to represent their efforts to make an inherently violent brand seem as safe as a walk in the park.  The NFL used a krumping criminal who stabbed a man and let his buddies take the fall as their pitch man.  This kills me.

9:48pm  This game got pretty exciting here in the fourth too bad this blog post sucks…  38 seconds left.  If the Patriots win this one I will be stunned and shocked.

9:51pm  HAHAHA FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS RED SOX WOODHEAD NATION!!!!!11!1!!!!

This post sucks… but thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Steelers v. Chefs Running Diary…

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers primetime game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15  Peter King brings up the Favre to Texas rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre’s name will stop coming up.  WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP, YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22  Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro…  If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it.  NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24  As I always say Arrowhead is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel.  I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table.  “You want this Brookstone Magazine?  What is Brookstone, anyway?  Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?”  Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Haley looking extra homeless today…  This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31  “Tyler Palko, Pitt”  He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape…   “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh”  He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going.  This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking.  It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze.  NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?!  WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38  Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41  Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.”  Season ending injury now imminent.  This has me distressed.

8:43  Heath Miller with a  catch and Arrowhead sounds like Heinz Field.  Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46  The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking…  Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice.  Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Haley is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it.  Well wasted my friend.   Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity.  He earned about 12 inches…  good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen…  Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko.  He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor…  I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt.  How did that guy get in to the NFL?

9:11  End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC.  Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks.  That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far.  Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the red zone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers.  This is awesome.  Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28  The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break.  God forbid we show some football in this broadcast.  I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36  Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early.  Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account.  Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games.  Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game.

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move.  I thought this was brilliant…  Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time.  I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence.  What a joke.  Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3.  We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle Tafoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15  While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend.  It was fantastic.  Five out of Five stars.  Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand.  See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt.  Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers.  Palko prepared to play Steelers.  Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35  KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion.  I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game.  Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Gray understands penetration like few others…

11:02  If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat.  Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks.

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn.  1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38.  I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL  This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time.

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again?  The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED.  I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW…

11:25 Well it’s a win.  13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bearcat