Not Quite Top Ten Times 2!

With Halloween coming up it is time to give you our loyal readers (both of you) some tips for what is, and what is not, good Halloween treats.  Therefore, today we are giving you not one but two Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten lists!

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Good Candy for Trick or Treaters

10. Sour Patch Kids
9. M&Ms
8. Crunch Bar
6. Pay Day
5. Heath
3. Twix
2. Snickers
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (This is not debatable)

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Worst Things To Get While Trick or Treating

10. Sugarless Candy (You asking for the flaming bag of poo.)
9. Werther’s Originals (What am I 80?)
8. Raisins (Everyone hates you.)
7. A piece of gum
5. Candy Corn. (No.)
4. Change (Emptying your car’s ashtray is not a sufficient substitute.)
3. Good n’ Plenty (They are not good candy.)
2. Can of Faygo (What are you a Juggalo?)
1. Toothbrush (GFY)

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Things I Thought This Weekend

• Painting is a huge pain in the ass. I was painting our kitchen this weekend because Mrs. Bearcat took the two kids and left town for the weekend.  (Bachelor Weekend!  Or so I hoped.) But painting a kitchen is a multi-day event.  It is awful.  Don’t ever do it.  If you don’t like the color of your kitchen put the house for sale and move or commit insurance fraud and burn the place down.  Seriously… just leave the place.
• The NFL desperately wants American Football to catch on in England. They have been playing games there since like 2007.   Why are we flying teams halfway around the globe to play to half empty stadiums there when we have tax payer funded half empty stadiums here?!?!
• Why would any British person want to watch a sport that has this as the export pushing the brand down their throat?

https://vine.co/v/Oh3tAwg9t6x/embed/simple

• Skidz! When will they make a comeback?  I am ready for them.
• Chuck Todd will not be able to fix Meet the Press until the producers figure out that MTP is not MTV.  They book shitty guests.  They cut too many times and cut people off way too early.  And the panel sitting all across from each other is stupid and will never work.  It’s like if you had a party of six and you all sit at the bar to hang out.  It does not work. Max number of people that can sit at a bar and discuss anything is three; and that is pushing it.
• I love John Oliver and his show “Last Week Tonight.” He is doing great work but can we please not call him a journalist or his show news.  It can be HIGHLY informative and its great work but it is not journalism.  No shame in that.  If anything in 2014 that might be the best thing going for its long term success.
• The Garfield Halloween Adventure (1985) is underrated and underappreciated as far as holiday cartoon specials.       /ducks
• Penn State lost to THEE Ohio State University?  No shit…
• Pitt fumbled and lost the ball five time to open the game.  That is the most Pitt thing ever.  Like I always say “Pitt’s gonna Pitt.”
• With NFL locker rooms struggling at times to deal with MRSA how long until a team has Ebola raging through its bench?  I wish I could bet on this.  I would take the Browns and Tampa Bay at even odds and Jacksonville at 3-2 odds.  Can I get a money line on Dallas?  They should be near the top of the boards I think.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Suck It Up and Take It Like You Are Paid To Do…

Bill Simmons came off suspension last Wednesday and since then it has been a whole lot of nothing…  As of my writing we have seen four tweets from The Sports Guy.  Four.

We also got the weekly Cousin Sal and Bill BS report where they guess the lines for next week’s slate of games.  They use this as a way to ham fistedly review the prior week’s NFL results and make what they pretend to be are inside jokes and that we are all on the inside. Generally speaking what they say is neither a joke not are we on the inside.  I used to like this podcast but it got old real quick.  Kind of like everything by Simmons.

While it has been a long… long… time since I was a fan of Simmons’ work I do believe him to be an honest, decent guy.  I just no longer enjoy my football, baseball and other sports columns to be peppered with constant references to Karate Kid, “Basketball Jesus,” Ewing Theory, and Reverse, Double Reverse, Super Reverse on the first and their Reverse while avoiding my desired non-Reverse-Reverse on your anticipated Reverse Jinx.

But I love turmoil more than practically anything so when Simmons got a three week suspension for saying what literally everyone whose pay is not directly or tangentially linked to the National Football League was saying, I was excited to say the least.

I wanted a war of words… I wanted people to quit their jobs in disgust… I wanted what Simmons promised “I’ll go public.”  That is what he said.

So when he put his integrity on the line… and lets not beat around the bush more than I already have… When he said to his bosses “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell…Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast. Please, call me and say I’m in trouble. I dare you.”

Well they called his bluff and it WAS a bluff.

In this week’s podcast he thanked people for their “support” and used his return from suspension as a gag; not a very funny one.

Money talked.

Bill Simmons is owned by ESPN.

If he was going to go public the time has passed.  Now he could still walk when his contract is up in a year but really that is probably not going to happen.  ESPN pays.  They pay well.  He will stay.

#FreeSimmons was a trending rallying cry on twitter.  But free him from what?  He is his own prisoner.  He sold his integrity.  He sold it to ESPN for Grantland, 30 for 30, the access, and the money… so much money.

Don’t feel bad for him.  I don’t. He could have had me in his corner but he took the money. Frankly, I would too.  Money talks. Especially when it’s counted in the millions.

Just don’t trade on your integrity again, Bill.  You already spent that once and we all know you ain’t “going public.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB is launching an App

You read that headline right. We have just completed development for a new app for iOS called Road Beef© (Patent Pending). Road Beef© is the newest development from our team of meth-addled Rhesus Monkeys.

Road Beef© is taking the hook up power of such great apps as Tinder and Grindr and adding important geo-location services and other key features to ensure that today’s modern athletes can get the companionship that they need while spending those long, lonely days on the road.

So how does Road Beef© work?

Great question. Road Beef© begins by providing to you a pre-screened population of possible companions that are tailored to your specific needs.  These categories are developed to the exacting standards of famous professional athletes.

These include:

The Roethlisberger: Fall down drunk college girls that have zero standards and are looking for about 12-14 minutes of your attention.

The Jerry Jones: Strippers… Nothing but coked up strippers

The Visanthe Shiancoe: These ladies can deep throat the softball bat and the ball.

The Jeter: Models and actresses with only the highest of taste (requires an additional charge/gift bag)

The Mark Sanchez: This drops the age range from 19-26 to 16-19.

What about my security?

We here at DSB take very seriously your security.  When you are a sufficient distance away from home the Road Beef© app will automatically detect the change and suddenly become visible on your device’s home screen.  We call this “Tiger Woods Mode.”

When the app geo-locates that you are at your home, the Road Beef© app automatically removes itself from the home screen. This allows the app to be inaccessible while at home and even disappear from your phone when your wife, long term fiancée or baby mama might see it.  This extra layer of security is critical to Road Beef’s© mission.

To use the app while on the road just swipe left and right to either accept or decline the companionship of the ladies.  It’s as simple as that.  No longer will you have to wade through hotel lobbies or VIP tables with exorbitant bottle service costs to gather some companionship. Today, thanks to Road Beef©, it’s as simple as a swipe!

Download today in the App Store.  Only $4.99!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat and ZJ

Welcome Back to Daddy’s Sugar Ball 2.0

Well dear readers… if you are reading this you have found the redux version of Daddy’s Sugar Ball. If you were a reader from our long ago shuttered website welcome back. I am sure you guys have some questions so let me see if a quick FAQ can help.

Why did you shutter the last website?
It got stale. Even by our recycled dick jokes standards there was just not that much to explore at the time. Also we all got real busy with families, work, crippling alcoholism…

So you are back?
Maybe… We might put up some new material from time to time.

Is ZJ going to write anything? His stuff was actually coherent.
ZJ is still currently working on his magnum opus about how college football (specifically Penn State football) is nihilistic and that charity is worse than the Nazi state. Deep stuff. We expect it to be completed around Columbus Day 2018.

Will Max Power write some stuff?
When Max is not writing for a blog about Harrisburg’s mayfly population and mostly forgotten players of the Senators minor league baseball club he is busy being “special” for legitimate publications that are currently hemorrhaging cash on century old business models. We will have to see.

SpinTrick? Mr. Football? Will that guy start writing?
Unlikely… he was mostly a special guest on podcasts and did not waste much time with our old crappy website so I doubt you will see him on here. He was actually funny. That did not fit our last format; unlikely to change now.

Is the Chain Smoking Capuchin Monkeys Investigation Team still around?
Unfortunately, no. After 17 years of Marlboro Menthols the capuchin monkeys developed various forms of untreatable* cancer and they took their careers in a difference direction**.
* By “untreatable” we mean “expensive”
** By “different direction” we mean we had them put down. It was mostly painless.

So just Bearcat? He fail English.
Yeah… that might be it for a while. We apologize.

Will you be doing reviews of craft beers and local bars?
That did not go well the first time we tried it. Besides now that Sara “I love literally everything ever” Bozich is now on the craft beer scene for Central PA we just aren’t that interested.

Will you guys be “cracking one open” for the podcast again?
That is a great question and the answer is, “we hope so.” But only if we can do it with minimal work by Max Power. The editing for him was just too much. We need to find a way to do it in one take. In all likelihood it will still suck but now it will just suck in one take. That’s what we here at DSB call progress.

Are you still the “Official Sports Blog for Central Pennsylvania?”
Unfortunately when we shuttered the old sight Max Power traded that commodity for some hobo chili and a hand job to Former Mayor Linda Thompson’s Loveship Inc. charity. So now we are the Unofficial Spinoff/Zombie site of Mayflies and Big Flies. Kind of like Ebay and Paypal with Pets.com but with even more fake Internet bubble money!

Welcome back and thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball!
Bearcat

Ray-Ray and His White Suit

This blog used to update.  You may even remember those days.  One recurring topic was my loathing of Ray Lewis or as I like calling him, Ray-Ray.

I have multiple posts ranting about his dancing, his human victory cigar style late to the tackle playmaking, his pseudo-preacher life and his eventual turn as elder statesman of the NFL.  They all pretty much say the same thing.  I hate Ray-Ray.  As a Steeler fan I can’t stand the man but in another sense I really despise his makeover.

His makeover is now nearly complete.  On Wednesday, Ray-Ray announced that he will be retiring from the NFL after this season; one last Super Bowl run.  It does two things.  Ray-Ray thinks it will fire up his team to get him one more ring…

/gag

Secondly, it allows for the media to fawn all over him as he takes the field for the last time this postseason.  We all know this is what is most important to Ray-Ray.  His look-at-me antics define him.

Since the announcement sport reporters have been falling all over themselves to drape that golden Hall of Fame blazer over his shoulders.  It is a jacket he will undoubted get after waiting the request five years.

But let’s not forget another jacket Ray-Ray wore… a white suit on January 31, 2000.  That was the suit Ray-Ray was wearing the night Richard Lollar and Jacinth Baker were stabbed to death in Atlanta outside a night club.

Richard and Jacinth got into an argument with Ray-Ray’s entourage inside the club.  Later they were found stabbed to death by knives that were purchased from sporting goods store where Ray-Ray made an appearance the day before.

The knives were purchased by members of Ray-Ray’s entourage.

Witnesses that night stated that they saw the limo used by Ray-Ray that weekend pull over and dump “bloody laundry bag into a dumper.”  The limo driver testified that Ray-Ray told everyone to “keep your mouths shut” and “don’t say nothing.”

The limo was filled with evidence linking it to the murders.

Ray-Ray’s white suit was never found.

He was charged with murder and aggravated assault.

These charges were dropped and Ray-Ray took a deal for obstructing justice in exchange for testimony against two of his friends.

“…keep your mouths shut” and “don’t say nothing.”

Ray-Ray ratted on his buddies.

Both were later acquitted.

Maybe he was just a bystander.  We will never know.  The white suit probably told the whole story.  Was it drenched in blood or was it just a little splatter?

Either way… he was at the center of a double homicide.

By 2004 he was on the cover of Madden.

This year he sweetly answered the questions of a little girl in a purple dress for Visa.

In five years he will wear a golden blazer and have a bust in Canton.

I just want to know what he looked like on January 31, 2000 in his white suit.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

NHL Self-Immolates

DSB’s crack investigative team of chain smoking capuchin monkeys was on assignment covering the NHL negotiations meltdown… Here is what they uncovered.

NHL Owners:  So we have a problem guys.  We cannot control ourselves.  We have a pathological need to throw huge sums of money at players.  We especially love to do it to middle of the road players that will never be a house hold name.  Also we have expanded the league too far.  We have teams in places that will never embrace hockey.  So basically what I am saying Players Union is that we are too stupid to run this sport.  We need you to stop us from catapulting large sacks of money at you.  We can’t stop ourselves so we need you to legally bar us from giving you more money.  Also those insane contracts we just gave you a couple months ago… those contracts for 18 years and with insane guaranteed dollar amounts.  Yeah those… we don’t want to abide by them.

Players Union:  Hmm… I do like having huge sums of cash thrown at me.  It is pretty nice.  I do agree that you are really stupid but I can see that I will still make an insane amount of money even if I hand cuff your purse strings.  I think a 50/50 split of hockey related profits is a fair deal.  Can we go back to playing hockey?

Owners:  50/50 sounds pretty good.

Fehr:  YOU CAN GET MORE!  We are getting close.  Time to ask for more stuff and to really screw this thing up!

Scott Hartnell…Human Garbage

Players:  Oh right… I am just as stupid as you are!  I nearly forgot.  I want a make whole remedy.  You need to pay me for games that were canceled.  You can’t just walk away from all those game checks this season.  I want paid for games I did not play.

Owners: Well… that seems like of excessive but I want a deal.  I will give you some of your make whole remedy request.   I am not going to pay full price for games you did not even play.  We have lost at least 25 games off ever schedule this season already.

Players:  Um… okay.  I think we are really close.  But first I want to go out and do some PR because that is where deals get made not at the bargaining table.  I need to go out and tell the press we are really close and get everyone’s hopes up.  More importantly I can watch Fehr inflate his self-importance and get some camera time.

Bettman:  THE PLAYERS ARE TOTALLY SCREWING YOU!  They also were looking at you funny.  They are going to get some good press and look like they helped get a deal by being reasonable.  STOP THEM!

Owners:  Oh shit!  Nuke this deal.  Do it NOW.  DO IT VIA VOICE MAIL!!!  Now Bettman, go out there to the media and justify how you are doing a good job while having two protracted work stoppages in eight years.  Now gentlemen lets go drink some infant blood and smoke cigars rolled between the thighs of virgins.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

A Super Crappy Running Diary

Welcome back DSB readers, I am sure both of you are excited to see that I am taking the time to write another Running Diary full of misspellings, run-on sentences and retread jokes that were not necessarily funny the first time around.

This was my favorite part of the Super Bowl…

A quick note about the pregame.  NBC first asked Archie Manning about the prospect of Pey-Pey playing in New York City with Eli and the look on his face was priceless.  The man is so desperate to have this scenario play out he can taste it.  It was obvious.  What a self-aggrandizing asshole.

After an interview with Bob Kraft about the loss of his wife and the impact on the team, Rodney Harrison says that Myra Kraft “was the Patriot way.”  I always assumed that Harrison thought the Patriot way was to be a cheating hack and to be widely considered the league’s dirtiest player.

And Cris Collinsworth wears jeans from his playing days.  They are at least 20 years old.  I can’t believe NBC let him get in front of a camera dressed like a hick seed from three decades in the past.

Costas called the Patriots “the NFL’s model franchise.”  Like Spygate never even happened…

6:17pm  Why is Kelly Clarkson the biggest star they could get to do the National Anthem?  Also country music is the fucking worst… Naturally, Al Michaels call is rousing.

6:25pm Belicheat is looking extra homeless tonight.  Clearly, this is an advantage for the Pats.  While we are talking advantages I like the Pats to win but will be rooting for the Giants.  God help me if the Patriots get four rings…

6:27pm  This seems like a good time to let you know that the first beer of the night was Allagash Black Belgian Style Stout… it was fantastic.  Right now for kick off I have a Bell’s Hopslam.  ZJ loves this beer and for good reason.  It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

6:29pm  Kickoff

6:32pm  Every play thus far has involved Al Michaels reminding us of various plays that each individual participated in during the past season.  I have no reference for any of this stuff.  I think he just wants to show off that he watches a lot of football and did his homework.  Hey Al, no need to “show all work” this is not algebra.

6:35pm  Bud Light Platinum is triple filtered.  That way they get rid of any of that beer like flavor…

6:39pm SAFETY!!!! Holy Shit!  That is fantastic.  That just made my night.  That was 50-1 odds.

6:43pm  Hynoski… The Polish Plow.  FROM?  Pitt.  Great nickname.

6:47pm   The Patriots can play awesome defense when they have 12 men on the field.  Bill Simmons is wondering what is wrong with that defensive scheme.

6:50pm Cruz with the TD.  9-0 I couldn’t be happier at this point.  And NBC plays salsa music for Cruz.

6:51pm  Bud Light Platinum says that good things come for those that wait.  If the good thing Bud Light I would rather just continue to be a rampant asshole.

6:55pm  The Bridgestone Halftime show will be brought you at halftime by Bridgestone.

6:57pm  I would love to be at the party where a Pats fan has 9 and 0 in his Super Bowl square.  He has to be so conflicted.  That would be fun to watch.

7:04pm  9-3 after the FG.  The Chevy ad with the “Best Gift Ever” has best commercial thus far status.

7:08pm  “Without GE there would be no Bud?”  I hate General Electric.

7:10pm  “His chip block is assault and battery”  Ray Lewis is wondering what crime his play corresponds with… Criminal conspiracy and homicide seem right up his alley.

7:15pm I wonder if Pats’ Patrick Chung has named his penis “Wang Chung.”   I am 100% sure he has.

7:32pm  Gronkowski finally makes a catch and somewhere XXX Starlet Bibi Jones starts riding her bed post.

7:35pm  So If I get flowers from Teraflora for a Victoria’s Secret model Adrian Lima I get to receive?  That would be totally worth a 50 dollar half dozen rose set with ugly ass vase. She was alluding to a BJ right?

7:42pm  This salsa if awesome.  I am basically going to eat the entire jar.  I kind of felt like being honest about the fact that I am complete fat ass.

7:45pm  JPP with a huge stop inside the 2 yard line.  Chris Collinsworth just said “He is not a regular human being.”  HGH and steroids does that Chris.

7:46pm  Woodhead with the TD catch.  10-9 Patriots.

7:52pm  New beer Fegley’s Hop Explosion.  Lots of grapefruit flavor and serious hops.  A west coast type IPA and pretty good.  I would seek this one out.

7:46pm  Rodney Harrison may be working for NBC but he is clearly just a shill for the Patriots.  He thinks the Patriots have played the best first half of football of all time.

8:03pm  Madonna Crotch…. On my TV.  BTW:  Sean Penn has been there.

8:10pm  Is Cee Lo Green wearing a trash bag?

8:13pm  The Voice commercial was scary.  Betty White’s eyes may have been up here but her tits were on the floor.

8:17pm  The Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial is fantastic.  Chryslers still suck… but a great commercial.

8:25pm  TD Hernández 17-9 Patriots… this game is not great.

8:58pm  I totally blacked out… I might have put myself into a salsa coma.

8:59pm  The NFL used Ray-Ray to shill for the league talking about player safety in a commercial to lead into the fourth quarter.  The NFL turned to a murderer who ratted out his buddies to represent their efforts to make an inherently violent brand seem as safe as a walk in the park.  The NFL used a krumping criminal who stabbed a man and let his buddies take the fall as their pitch man.  This kills me.

9:48pm  This game got pretty exciting here in the fourth too bad this blog post sucks…  38 seconds left.  If the Patriots win this one I will be stunned and shocked.

9:51pm  HAHAHA FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS RED SOX WOODHEAD NATION!!!!!11!1!!!!

This post sucks… but thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Steelers v. Chefs Running Diary…

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers primetime game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15  Peter King brings up the Favre to Texas rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre’s name will stop coming up.  WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP, YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22  Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro…  If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it.  NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24  As I always say Arrowhead is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel.  I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table.  “You want this Brookstone Magazine?  What is Brookstone, anyway?  Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?”  Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Haley looking extra homeless today…  This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31  “Tyler Palko, Pitt”  He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape…   “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh”  He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going.  This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking.  It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze.  NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?!  WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38  Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41  Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.”  Season ending injury now imminent.  This has me distressed.

8:43  Heath Miller with a  catch and Arrowhead sounds like Heinz Field.  Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46  The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking…  Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice.  Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Haley is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it.  Well wasted my friend.   Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity.  He earned about 12 inches…  good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen…  Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko.  He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor…  I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt.  How did that guy get in to the NFL?

9:11  End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC.  Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks.  That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far.  Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the red zone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers.  This is awesome.  Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28  The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break.  God forbid we show some football in this broadcast.  I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36  Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early.  Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account.  Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games.  Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game.

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move.  I thought this was brilliant…  Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time.  I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence.  What a joke.  Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3.  We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle Tafoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15  While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend.  It was fantastic.  Five out of Five stars.  Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand.  See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt.  Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers.  Palko prepared to play Steelers.  Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35  KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion.  I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game.  Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Gray understands penetration like few others…

11:02  If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat.  Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks.

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn.  1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38.  I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL  This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time.

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again?  The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED.  I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW…

11:25 Well it’s a win.  13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bearcat

Running Diary: Steelers v. Ravens

Welcome back to the DSB Running Diary.  The last time this shit show appeared on DSB was back in January when the Steelers played the Ravens in the playoffs and swept them across three games during the 2010-2011 season.  Expect the usual from DSB over the next few hours: dick jokes, inside jokes, no insight, extreme homerism, Yinzer crap, and long stretches of time where nothing happens.

7:51 I have just read a report that the Ravens have welcomed a drifter into the locker room and are ritually stabbing him as a pre-game warm up.

7:52 Confirmed:  ZJ will again continue his impressive streak of refusing to write anything for this website.

7:55 I expect that Hall of Famer and Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick LeBeau is currently tasking his defensemen with performing various sexual assaults on Flacco.  I am going to assume that the Penn State Sandusky grand jury leaks are the blue print.

7:57 And NBC shows Ray-Ray screaming gibberish at a semi-circle of angry men for the first time tonight.  This is what football people call “leadership.”   Looked to me like he just spent five minutes asking “WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!?!”

8:18 Still have yet to hear this game described as a “Two Chin Strap Game…” what gives cliché driven TV sports people?

8:21 Would be nice if Faith Hill also called the President a Nazi… Killing off that crappy song would be pretty nice.

8:25 Flacco’s unibrow… nice to know that some things never change.

8:31 Thank God I saw that flag before Ray Rice went off to the races or else I would be breaking everything in my house. Typical Raven penalty.

8:33 Michael Oher gets his introduction.  Insert “No he is saving me” movie quote here for Max Power.

8:38 If I was Ike Taylor I would throw magnets at Boldin’s face and see if any of them stick to that metal used to reconstruct his face.

8:41 Baltimore kicks for three after Ray Rice bitches about the refs having a quick whistle.  Got to give it to these referees, they make calls against these Ravens even though they have to figure most of that 53 man roster is packing switch blades. 3-0 Ratbirds

8:45 Text from ZJ: NBC plays David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” going into commercial. Perfect for a Ravens’ game.

8:50 NBC shows Ray-Ray coaching up his defense on the sideline… looked like he was offering Corry Redding a blowjob.

8:58 Steelers finally get a stop on 3^rd down. 40 yards out Cundiff misses it wide.  100% chance he grew up being called Cunt-diff.

9:08 Ray-Ray head hunting on a tackle against Hines… I am going to assume that Goodell will be sending Ray-Ray a check for that illegal hit.  Probably some of James Harrison’s fine money.

9:10 Ravens challenge the catch by Ward that took about 5 weeks off his life. The only way that is not a  catch is because Ray-Ray was headhunting and he concussed him midair.  But you can’t throw the flag now.  This is horseshit.

9:13 Overturned the call of a catch.  This is garbage.  I am pissed.

9:14 Sushi ties it at 3 all.

9:15 If I buy a Toyota Camry I have to put up with Chris Berman in my car? That does not sound like a selling point.  Listening to him will make me want to drive it off a cliff.

9:17 The Steelers defense should be screaming “Pull!” after every Flacco throw.  They need to get some interceptions the guys is just tossing out dead ducks right now.

9:19 Ravens convert another third down.  Apparently, the Steelers defense believes that they only need to play for two downs tonight.

9:23 43 yard kick good by Cunt-diff… 6-3 Ratbirds.

9:27 Cory Redding clearly motivated by the Ray-Ray BJ just nails Mendenhall in the back field. Steelers really need to unleash Ben and just throw deep.  Where is Mike Wallace?  Attending the Andy Rooney funeral?

9:29 And finally Ben throws to Wallace but the pass broken up.  I should have made that joke 15 minutes earlier.

9:34 Al Michaels calls the Steelers the “hump team.”  This is less funny than Joe Buck saying the ball was “fisted” but it is pretty good none the less.

9:50 Another FG… Sushi for three.  6-6 with just over a minute on the clock.  This game has dragged to a crawl.

9:52 Harrison touched Flacco and got a nice sack.  That will cost him 50K from Mr. Goodell.

9:54 Ryan Clack makes the same hit on a Raven that Ray-Ray did on Hines and that results in both a flag and Collinsworth’s unending contempt.  I hate these guys… I am talking about NBC sports.

9:58 Luck for some, a bullshit call was reversed and Boldin did not catch the ball.  If that was not overturned I would have started killing midgets by tossing them into heavy traffic.

10:01 Cunt-diff hits a 51 yard FG to make it 9-6 at the half.  Now for NBC and Joe Rogan to scream at me for 60 seconds and tell me to watch people get thrown from moving vehicles and eat live bugs for an insanely small amount of cash compared to the humiliation.

10:21 After building a great drive… and Suggs intercepts.  I wish I was drinking.  This is insane.

10:29 Collinsworth makes the stupid claim that “I’m not sure if these teams even care what the score is. I think they just want to beat each other on the field.”  WTF does that even mean?  All they care about is score board.  They are trying to win the game dumbass.

10:35 Collinsworth is clearly on the Ravens payroll.

10:36 Ray Rice drives the ball into the endzone and drives Collinsworth to orgasm. 16-6 Ravens.

10:46 The Dance Troop that is the Baltimore Ravens are showing a great deal of restraint this game.  Very little Krumping.

10:50 Text from ZJ: “I hope that little pissant Ray Rice gets a cleat in his fucking throat.“ Could not agree more.

10:52 Ben scrambles for the end zone and Collinsworth gleefully cheers for the video to overrule the call on the field.  1^st and goal with half a yard to go.

10:56 Mendenhall drives the ball in off the tackle and scores the TD. 16-13 with 14+ minutes left in the game.

10:57 Text from ZJ: “I hope the polar ice caps melt just so they stop making those annoying Happy Feet movies.”  Not sure but he might think those were filmed on location.  I am fairly certain he has had enough to drink tonight to make that possible.

11:00 Harrison beats down a double team for the sack … and Foote with a stop brings up the always dangerous 3^rd and long… holding my breath.

11:02 And the Ravens convert… I feel like I have seen this game before.  It does not end well.

11:05 3^rd and 5… and they convert again.  This is the failure that will lead to the loss.

11:07 3^rd and long again… And a fumble!!! William GAY!!! We are all GAY!!!  Going to be honest I thought that drive was going to be the nail in the coffin.

11:11 Cotchery just made a great heads up catch to keep the momentum going with the Black & Gold.  Need a touchdown on this drive.  May not see the ball again.

11:15 That was a typical Ben TD… scrambles, buys time nails Wallace in the end zone.  20-16 and the Steelers take the lead for the first time.  Collinsworth gives a forced laugh to pretend like he is happy to see the lead shift but in reality we all know that he is thrashing the TV booth.

11:20 Time for Hall of Famer Patron Saint of the TAInt Dick LeBeau to unleash his Defense.  I hope Dick demands the head of Flacco on a plate for his post-game meal.  Harrison will deliver.

11:21 Three and out in less than 90 seconds!!!  Steelers collect the ball at the 46 yard line.  Collinsworth is currently out gathering hookers for Ray-Ray to copulate with then stab Marquise de Sade style.

11:25 Cotchery with a huge catch.  He should get a game ball.  Why was this Cotchery not scoring with the Jets when he was on my shitty fantasy football teams?  He as exhibit #2 on my Lee Evans Do Not Draft list.  /Copy Rights “Lee Evans Do Not Draft List”

11:29 Delay of game leads to punt over FG attempt?  This is the shit that comes back to bite a team…

11:31 Flacco always looks like he is waiting around for his laundry to dry.  Does he even have a pulse?  Would you be happy to have him this detached?

11:36 4^th and 1 at midfield… I wish I had a bottle of Jameson.  I would drink all of it.

11:37 Boldin converts and two plays later a wide open Torrey Smith blows a deep pass in the endzone. /Three drops of pee leak out.

11:39 Time Out Pittsburgh: i.e. Defense is gassed.  This is not good.

11:41 Torrey Smith with the touchdown… and now the Krumping starts.  Ravens are dancing all over the sidelines.  This is horrible.  Defense is to blame the failure to stop anything on 3^rd down especially at the end is what killed the Steelers.  Thank you and good night.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat