A Super Crappy Running Diary

Welcome back DSB readers, I am sure both of you are excited to see that I am taking the time to write another Running Diary full of misspellings, run-on sentences and retread jokes that were not necessarily funny the first time around.

This was my favorite part of the Super Bowl…

A quick note about the pregame.  NBC first asked Archie Manning about the prospect of Pey-Pey playing in New York City with Eli and the look on his face was priceless.  The man is so desperate to have this scenario play out he can taste it.  It was obvious.  What a self-aggrandizing asshole.

After an interview with Bob Kraft about the loss of his wife and the impact on the team, Rodney Harrison says that Myra Kraft “was the Patriot way.”  I always assumed that Harrison thought the Patriot way was to be a cheating hack and to be widely considered the league’s dirtiest player.

And Cris Collinsworth wears jeans from his playing days.  They are at least 20 years old.  I can’t believe NBC let him get in front of a camera dressed like a hick seed from three decades in the past.

Costas called the Patriots “the NFL’s model franchise.”  Like Spygate never even happened…

6:17pm  Why is Kelly Clarkson the biggest star they could get to do the National Anthem?  Also country music is the fucking worst… Naturally, Al Michaels call is rousing.

6:25pm Belicheat is looking extra homeless tonight.  Clearly, this is an advantage for the Pats.  While we are talking advantages I like the Pats to win but will be rooting for the Giants.  God help me if the Patriots get four rings…

6:27pm  This seems like a good time to let you know that the first beer of the night was Allagash Black Belgian Style Stout… it was fantastic.  Right now for kick off I have a Bell’s Hopslam.  ZJ loves this beer and for good reason.  It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

6:29pm  Kickoff

6:32pm  Every play thus far has involved Al Michaels reminding us of various plays that each individual participated in during the past season.  I have no reference for any of this stuff.  I think he just wants to show off that he watches a lot of football and did his homework.  Hey Al, no need to “show all work” this is not algebra.

6:35pm  Bud Light Platinum is triple filtered.  That way they get rid of any of that beer like flavor…

6:39pm SAFETY!!!! Holy Shit!  That is fantastic.  That just made my night.  That was 50-1 odds.

6:43pm  Hynoski… The Polish Plow.  FROM?  Pitt.  Great nickname.

6:47pm   The Patriots can play awesome defense when they have 12 men on the field.  Bill Simmons is wondering what is wrong with that defensive scheme.

6:50pm Cruz with the TD.  9-0 I couldn’t be happier at this point.  And NBC plays salsa music for Cruz.

6:51pm  Bud Light Platinum says that good things come for those that wait.  If the good thing Bud Light I would rather just continue to be a rampant asshole.

6:55pm  The Bridgestone Halftime show will be brought you at halftime by Bridgestone.

6:57pm  I would love to be at the party where a Pats fan has 9 and 0 in his Super Bowl square.  He has to be so conflicted.  That would be fun to watch.

7:04pm  9-3 after the FG.  The Chevy ad with the “Best Gift Ever” has best commercial thus far status.

7:08pm  “Without GE there would be no Bud?”  I hate General Electric.

7:10pm  “His chip block is assault and battery”  Ray Lewis is wondering what crime his play corresponds with… Criminal conspiracy and homicide seem right up his alley.

7:15pm I wonder if Pats’ Patrick Chung has named his penis “Wang Chung.”   I am 100% sure he has.

7:32pm  Gronkowski finally makes a catch and somewhere XXX Starlet Bibi Jones starts riding her bed post.

7:35pm  So If I get flowers from Teraflora for a Victoria’s Secret model Adrian Lima I get to receive?  That would be totally worth a 50 dollar half dozen rose set with ugly ass vase. She was alluding to a BJ right?

7:42pm  This salsa if awesome.  I am basically going to eat the entire jar.  I kind of felt like being honest about the fact that I am complete fat ass.

7:45pm  JPP with a huge stop inside the 2 yard line.  Chris Collinsworth just said “He is not a regular human being.”  HGH and steroids does that Chris.

7:46pm  Woodhead with the TD catch.  10-9 Patriots.

7:52pm  New beer Fegley’s Hop Explosion.  Lots of grapefruit flavor and serious hops.  A west coast type IPA and pretty good.  I would seek this one out.

7:46pm  Rodney Harrison may be working for NBC but he is clearly just a shill for the Patriots.  He thinks the Patriots have played the best first half of football of all time.

8:03pm  Madonna Crotch…. On my TV.  BTW:  Sean Penn has been there.

8:10pm  Is Cee Lo Green wearing a trash bag?

8:13pm  The Voice commercial was scary.  Betty White’s eyes may have been up here but her tits were on the floor.

8:17pm  The Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial is fantastic.  Chryslers still suck… but a great commercial.

8:25pm  TD Hernández 17-9 Patriots… this game is not great.

8:58pm  I totally blacked out… I might have put myself into a salsa coma.

8:59pm  The NFL used Ray-Ray to shill for the league talking about player safety in a commercial to lead into the fourth quarter.  The NFL turned to a murderer who ratted out his buddies to represent their efforts to make an inherently violent brand seem as safe as a walk in the park.  The NFL used a krumping criminal who stabbed a man and let his buddies take the fall as their pitch man.  This kills me.

9:48pm  This game got pretty exciting here in the fourth too bad this blog post sucks…  38 seconds left.  If the Patriots win this one I will be stunned and shocked.

9:51pm  HAHAHA FUCK YOU BILL SIMMONS RED SOX WOODHEAD NATION!!!!!11!1!!!!

This post sucks… but thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Steelers v. Chefs Running Diary…

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers primetime game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15  Peter King brings up the Favre to Texas rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre’s name will stop coming up.  WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP, YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22  Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro…  If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it.  NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24  As I always say Arrowhead is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel.  I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table.  “You want this Brookstone Magazine?  What is Brookstone, anyway?  Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?”  Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Haley looking extra homeless today…  This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31  “Tyler Palko, Pitt”  He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape…   “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh”  He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going.  This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking.  It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze.  NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?!  WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38  Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41  Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.”  Season ending injury now imminent.  This has me distressed.

8:43  Heath Miller with a  catch and Arrowhead sounds like Heinz Field.  Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46  The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking…  Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice.  Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Haley is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it.  Well wasted my friend.   Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity.  He earned about 12 inches…  good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen…  Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko.  He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor…  I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt.  How did that guy get in to the NFL?

9:11  End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC.  Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks.  That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far.  Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the red zone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers.  This is awesome.  Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28  The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break.  God forbid we show some football in this broadcast.  I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36  Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early.  Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account.  Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games.  Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game.

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move.  I thought this was brilliant…  Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time.  I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence.  What a joke.  Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3.  We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle Tafoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15  While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend.  It was fantastic.  Five out of Five stars.  Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand.  See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt.  Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers.  Palko prepared to play Steelers.  Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35  KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion.  I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game.  Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Gray understands penetration like few others…

11:02  If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat.  Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks.

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn.  1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38.  I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL  This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time.

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again?  The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED.  I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW…

11:25 Well it’s a win.  13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bearcat

Running Diary: Steelers v. Ravens

Welcome back to the DSB Running Diary.  The last time this shit show appeared on DSB was back in January when the Steelers played the Ravens in the playoffs and swept them across three games during the 2010-2011 season.  Expect the usual from DSB over the next few hours: dick jokes, inside jokes, no insight, extreme homerism, Yinzer crap, and long stretches of time where nothing happens.

7:51 I have just read a report that the Ravens have welcomed a drifter into the locker room and are ritually stabbing him as a pre-game warm up.

7:52 Confirmed:  ZJ will again continue his impressive streak of refusing to write anything for this website.

7:55 I expect that Hall of Famer and Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick LeBeau is currently tasking his defensemen with performing various sexual assaults on Flacco.  I am going to assume that the Penn State Sandusky grand jury leaks are the blue print.

7:57 And NBC shows Ray-Ray screaming gibberish at a semi-circle of angry men for the first time tonight.  This is what football people call “leadership.”   Looked to me like he just spent five minutes asking “WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!?!”

8:18 Still have yet to hear this game described as a “Two Chin Strap Game…” what gives cliché driven TV sports people?

8:21 Would be nice if Faith Hill also called the President a Nazi… Killing off that crappy song would be pretty nice.

8:25 Flacco’s unibrow… nice to know that some things never change.

8:31 Thank God I saw that flag before Ray Rice went off to the races or else I would be breaking everything in my house. Typical Raven penalty.

8:33 Michael Oher gets his introduction.  Insert “No he is saving me” movie quote here for Max Power.

8:38 If I was Ike Taylor I would throw magnets at Boldin’s face and see if any of them stick to that metal used to reconstruct his face.

8:41 Baltimore kicks for three after Ray Rice bitches about the refs having a quick whistle.  Got to give it to these referees, they make calls against these Ravens even though they have to figure most of that 53 man roster is packing switch blades. 3-0 Ratbirds

8:45 Text from ZJ: NBC plays David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” going into commercial. Perfect for a Ravens’ game.

8:50 NBC shows Ray-Ray coaching up his defense on the sideline… looked like he was offering Corry Redding a blowjob.

8:58 Steelers finally get a stop on 3^rd down. 40 yards out Cundiff misses it wide.  100% chance he grew up being called Cunt-diff.

9:08 Ray-Ray head hunting on a tackle against Hines… I am going to assume that Goodell will be sending Ray-Ray a check for that illegal hit.  Probably some of James Harrison’s fine money.

9:10 Ravens challenge the catch by Ward that took about 5 weeks off his life. The only way that is not a  catch is because Ray-Ray was headhunting and he concussed him midair.  But you can’t throw the flag now.  This is horseshit.

9:13 Overturned the call of a catch.  This is garbage.  I am pissed.

9:14 Sushi ties it at 3 all.

9:15 If I buy a Toyota Camry I have to put up with Chris Berman in my car? That does not sound like a selling point.  Listening to him will make me want to drive it off a cliff.

9:17 The Steelers defense should be screaming “Pull!” after every Flacco throw.  They need to get some interceptions the guys is just tossing out dead ducks right now.

9:19 Ravens convert another third down.  Apparently, the Steelers defense believes that they only need to play for two downs tonight.

9:23 43 yard kick good by Cunt-diff… 6-3 Ratbirds.

9:27 Cory Redding clearly motivated by the Ray-Ray BJ just nails Mendenhall in the back field. Steelers really need to unleash Ben and just throw deep.  Where is Mike Wallace?  Attending the Andy Rooney funeral?

9:29 And finally Ben throws to Wallace but the pass broken up.  I should have made that joke 15 minutes earlier.

9:34 Al Michaels calls the Steelers the “hump team.”  This is less funny than Joe Buck saying the ball was “fisted” but it is pretty good none the less.

9:50 Another FG… Sushi for three.  6-6 with just over a minute on the clock.  This game has dragged to a crawl.

9:52 Harrison touched Flacco and got a nice sack.  That will cost him 50K from Mr. Goodell.

9:54 Ryan Clack makes the same hit on a Raven that Ray-Ray did on Hines and that results in both a flag and Collinsworth’s unending contempt.  I hate these guys… I am talking about NBC sports.

9:58 Luck for some, a bullshit call was reversed and Boldin did not catch the ball.  If that was not overturned I would have started killing midgets by tossing them into heavy traffic.

10:01 Cunt-diff hits a 51 yard FG to make it 9-6 at the half.  Now for NBC and Joe Rogan to scream at me for 60 seconds and tell me to watch people get thrown from moving vehicles and eat live bugs for an insanely small amount of cash compared to the humiliation.

10:21 After building a great drive… and Suggs intercepts.  I wish I was drinking.  This is insane.

10:29 Collinsworth makes the stupid claim that “I’m not sure if these teams even care what the score is. I think they just want to beat each other on the field.”  WTF does that even mean?  All they care about is score board.  They are trying to win the game dumbass.

10:35 Collinsworth is clearly on the Ravens payroll.

10:36 Ray Rice drives the ball into the endzone and drives Collinsworth to orgasm. 16-6 Ravens.

10:46 The Dance Troop that is the Baltimore Ravens are showing a great deal of restraint this game.  Very little Krumping.

10:50 Text from ZJ: “I hope that little pissant Ray Rice gets a cleat in his fucking throat.“ Could not agree more.

10:52 Ben scrambles for the end zone and Collinsworth gleefully cheers for the video to overrule the call on the field.  1^st and goal with half a yard to go.

10:56 Mendenhall drives the ball in off the tackle and scores the TD. 16-13 with 14+ minutes left in the game.

10:57 Text from ZJ: “I hope the polar ice caps melt just so they stop making those annoying Happy Feet movies.”  Not sure but he might think those were filmed on location.  I am fairly certain he has had enough to drink tonight to make that possible.

11:00 Harrison beats down a double team for the sack … and Foote with a stop brings up the always dangerous 3^rd and long… holding my breath.

11:02 And the Ravens convert… I feel like I have seen this game before.  It does not end well.

11:05 3^rd and 5… and they convert again.  This is the failure that will lead to the loss.

11:07 3^rd and long again… And a fumble!!! William GAY!!! We are all GAY!!!  Going to be honest I thought that drive was going to be the nail in the coffin.

11:11 Cotchery just made a great heads up catch to keep the momentum going with the Black & Gold.  Need a touchdown on this drive.  May not see the ball again.

11:15 That was a typical Ben TD… scrambles, buys time nails Wallace in the end zone.  20-16 and the Steelers take the lead for the first time.  Collinsworth gives a forced laugh to pretend like he is happy to see the lead shift but in reality we all know that he is thrashing the TV booth.

11:20 Time for Hall of Famer Patron Saint of the TAInt Dick LeBeau to unleash his Defense.  I hope Dick demands the head of Flacco on a plate for his post-game meal.  Harrison will deliver.

11:21 Three and out in less than 90 seconds!!!  Steelers collect the ball at the 46 yard line.  Collinsworth is currently out gathering hookers for Ray-Ray to copulate with then stab Marquise de Sade style.

11:25 Cotchery with a huge catch.  He should get a game ball.  Why was this Cotchery not scoring with the Jets when he was on my shitty fantasy football teams?  He as exhibit #2 on my Lee Evans Do Not Draft list.  /Copy Rights “Lee Evans Do Not Draft List”

11:29 Delay of game leads to punt over FG attempt?  This is the shit that comes back to bite a team…

11:31 Flacco always looks like he is waiting around for his laundry to dry.  Does he even have a pulse?  Would you be happy to have him this detached?

11:36 4^th and 1 at midfield… I wish I had a bottle of Jameson.  I would drink all of it.

11:37 Boldin converts and two plays later a wide open Torrey Smith blows a deep pass in the endzone. /Three drops of pee leak out.

11:39 Time Out Pittsburgh: i.e. Defense is gassed.  This is not good.

11:41 Torrey Smith with the touchdown… and now the Krumping starts.  Ravens are dancing all over the sidelines.  This is horrible.  Defense is to blame the failure to stop anything on 3^rd down especially at the end is what killed the Steelers.  Thank you and good night.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The 3rd Annual DSB Running Diary of the Home Run Derby

There’s Only One October Thing to Do Tonight

7:38 – Welcome to the Third Annual Home Run Derby Live Post courtesy of Daddy’s Sugar Ball! Thank you for returning to your favorite blog, and we hope you enjoy the new, improved look. As you can readily see, we are now a proud part of the Google network. Simply go to Google.com and type Daddy’s Sugar Ball into the search box and there we are! With you tonight is Mr. Football and me, your Master of Ceremonies, ZJ. We are surrounded by the finest meats and cheeses in all the land and I’m enjoying a Summerbright Ale (4.5% ABV) by Breckenridge Brewery to kick off the festivities. The first thing I take away from the Home Run Derby Pregame Show is that Bobby V and Joe Morgan (remember that guy?!?) have–like 47 of this year’s voted-in All-Star participants–asked out and been replaced by John Kruk and Nomar Garciaparra. In fact I believe Kruk is also playing first base for the NL tomorrow night. With “The Human Shart” Chris Berman once again running the show, I don’t begrudge Valentine and Morgan.

7:52 – Mr. Football is currently turning off his location on his iPhone and trying to fool foursquare into thinking that he’s at Chase Field for the Derby tonight. I put his odds at succeeding at 150-to-1, roughly the same odds Rickie Weeks has of winning the actual Home Run Derby. Okay, LET’S GET IT ON!

7:55 – For the record, I’m taking David Ortiz to win tonight. Mr. Football just looked up who is participating and won’t commit to a winner, but says he’s rooting for Prince Fielder and expresses concern that Robbie Cano will mess up his swing tonight. I tell him to man up and pick someone. He does not appreciate the pressure and continues staring at his iPhone.

8:01 – One minute after the media told me the Derby would start, I’m watching some hick sing on a makeshift stage in the infield, flanked by a train. Or are they oversized airline baggage carts? What the hell? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A of why I hate this shit.

8:04 – After exactly no applause, the hick and his country band mates are quickly drowned out by Berman’s manufactured excitement.

8:05 – “Gonzalez,” Mr. Football mercifully offers.

8:09 – Mr. Football emphatically states Matt Kemp will NOT win and tells me to write that down. Duly noted for all posterity.

8:14 – Mr. Football expands on his strategy. “The number of home runs a guy hits is what I look for in a home run hitter.” In this crazy, mixed-up world we live in, you can take THAT to the bank.

8:21 – First pitch to Adrian Gonzalez is low and he takes it. By the time I finish that last sentence, he’s already down two outs.

8:22 – Mr. Football wants me to guess how far the longest home run hit tonight will be. I take a stab at 468 feet. He goes with 495 feet. I remind him that no one is on steroids anymore*, but he doesn’t believe me. He then notes that Berman hasn’t uttered, “BACKBACKBACK!” yet, but I tell him it’s still early. Vegas has taken that off the board.

*According to Major League Baseball

8:29 – Gonzalez wraps it up with nine dongs in his first round, a good showing. I’m secretly miffed that Mr. Football may have made a wise choice, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Matt Kemp to go absolutely apeshit tonight. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE make it happen!

8:32 – With Matt Holliday up, I crack open the next beer – Harpoon Leviathan (10% ABV). Time to get my ‘Poon on! By the way, I want royalties if Harpoon starts using that as a tagline.

8:35 – Holliday ends with five homers and collects ten outs in just under three minutes … did he swing at every pitch? Does he know he can let ’em go by? Though I truly do appreciate Matt’s attempt to speed up this god-forsaken shitfest.

8:42 – Cano crushes two quick homers and then swings at a slider at his ankles. Um, Robbie, it’s the Derby, not an 0-2 count. Don’t fight that off.

8:43 – I realize that at this point in last year’s Derby, I just cracked open my first beer. I’M ONE UP, BABY! Let’s see if I can maintain my record-setting pace.

8:48 – Cano hits a bomb that hits a Gatorade banner that reads “G SERIES”. “That hit the G SPOT!” exclaims Mr. Football.

8:49 – After robbing two earlier Cano homers, some kid in a Diamondbacks cap makes a great diving catch in center field on Cano and jumps up in celebration, as he’s done after every catch. We’re calling him Jim Edmonds Jr.

8:52 – Rickie Weeks steps up to the plate and Mr. Football announces that now is the time to go if you need to use the bathroom. “They should just run commercials now,” he adds. I wonder if Rickie refers to himself in the third person?

8:54 – Time to tear into the wonderful spread laid out by Mr. Football. Nothing says Home Run Derby like pepperoni cheese … mmmm. Mr. Football declares that “they should have spotted Rickie Weeks five home runs from the outset.” Rickie finishes with three, so even with the five-spot I think he would still be eliminated.

9:01 – Joey Bats climbs into the batter’s box … is it Home Run o’clock already?

9:07 – Though Bautista is done with just four homers, I’m really pleased to see that all hitters are wearing ball caps this year. I’m sure Bud Selig cracked down on that shit they pulled last year.

9:12 – Chase Field slugs five home runs in his first appearance. Wait – that’s not a player?

9:16 – Holy shit, Matt Kemp is down to his last two outs without a home run. And the camera finds (one of?) his son(s) laughing at him! This ruins everything.

9:21 – Wait a minute … it feels like we’re on a good pace, but in reference to last year’s post, we’re behind! Big Papi just stepped up to bat, so you know he will stay up there for a good 12-15 minutes because he can’t stand it when his smilin’ face isn’t on camera. Sure enough, Ortiz calls a timeout after four swings to chug some Gatorade, who, coincidentally, is one of tonight’s sponsors!  And then Prince Fielder will wrap up the first round somewhere around 11:45pm Eastern time. Lucky I don’t have people’s lives in my hands six sweet hours later!

9:26 – Bear Republic’s Racer 5 (7.0 ABV) steps to the plate and immediately starts gakkin’! I love this game! Ortiz ends with four (I think … I admit I’m starting to get distracted) homers and Mr. Football is looking like Nostradamus. By the way, Mr. Football also predicts the NFL lockout will end July 25th, the Broncos will win the Super Bowl, and the world will end 12/12/12. Make your plans now.

9:38 – SWING OFF!!! I don’t know what that means.

9:40 – Mr. Football is pounding Monster Energy Drinks and I ask if that’s such a good idea. “We’ll see,” he replies. Indeed, Mr. Football. Indeed.

9:45 – Fielder hits one off his shoestrings 444 feet and Berman, Kruk and Co. gush, “Oh my goodness!” and “Oh my gosh!” As a participating member of the blog media, I’ll translate for you:

“Oh my goodness!” = “Holy FUCK!”

“Oh my gosh!” = “FUCKIN’ A! WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STRIP CLUB IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING TONIGHT’S FESTIVITIES AND DO BLOW OFF THE TITS OF SOME OF ARIZONA’S FINEST ILLEGAL MEXICAN HOOKERS? I WILL ACCEPT YOUR GUFFAW AS AN AFFIRMATIVE RESPONSE.”

9:56 – MY GOD – IS THAT BIG PAPI’S MUSIC?!? No, it is not. Papi steps out to have the music coordinator change the at-bat music … are you fucking kidding me? Ortiz promptly blasts two homers, so what the fuck do I know? I’m not Nostradamus.

9:57 – Yes, it is getting blue in here so send the wife and kids to bed. The daughters can stay. Eh, bring back the wives, too – they’ll enjoy this.

9:59 – Ortiz finishes up with four home runs. What round are we in? Does anybody know what’s going on? I hope you’re not relying on me. I didn’t make any promises at the beginning.

10:09 – Cano is absolutely LIGHTING UP his BP pitcher like a Christmas tree in a North Korean fireworks factory. Cano takes a timeout after his sixth bomb to rehydrate with water and digestible Clear. If this doesn’t prove that New York has the world’s best HGH, I don’t know what does.

10:17 – Mr. Football pulls a back muscle after turning too fast to face the HDTV when the MLB program director sends the order for local coed strippers into the pool in right centerfield. I offer him some oxy and he takes five.

10:26 – Too much Adrian Gonzalez, not enough bikinis according to Mr. Football, who is doing Jane Fonda-like back stretches.

10:30:18 – Boobies.

10:30:26 – Just seeing if you’re still paying attention.

10:34 – As we break for commercial, Berman tells us that we have Gonzalez and Cano in the finals. I don’t want to hear the rest of the country bitching about East Coast bias ANYMORE.

10:39 – Mr. Football proofs my writing up to this point. “I’d still do Jane Fonda,” he says. “She’s still alive, right?”

10:40 – It occurs to me that we were done by this time last year. I blame the umps for slowing down the game. In reality, I think Gatorade is to blame.

10:48 – Kruk declares that he could go for some pork rinds right now. Never woulda guessed. Oh, and Gonzalez hit something like 11 home runs in the final round, I think. It appears Robinson Cano is up next.

10:55 – The brilliant ESPN panel agrees that Cano has a chance as he steps up to the plate. He has Katy Perry’s “Firework” as his at-bat music, so anything is possible!

11:01 – With nine home runs, I just found out that Cano’s BP pitcher is his dad. Did you guys know this? I could’ve used that earlier. Thanks for the heads-up.

11:03 – Hugs from Dad when a hatless Cano ties Gonzalez at 11 with only six outs.

11:04 – Dad grooves one and Robbie deposits it 408 feet over the right field wall for the winner. As Robbie celebrates with his AL teammates, Orioles scouts rush to the mound and sign his Dad to a three-year contract.

11:05 – Good night, everybody! See you next year with our next post!

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
ZJ

Dueling Running Diairies: Ravens vs. Steelers

Our previous attempts at dueling running diaries of Steelers’ games were a rousing success, so Bearcat and I felt compelled to do another one on this playoff Saturday.

Same disclaimers as before…this could either be something genuinely unique and funny or an unmitigated train wreck never to be done again. Remember, Bearcat and I had no interaction during the game but we present it to you as one continuous diary. Enjoy!

4:30 BEARCAT Just saw that Pennsylvania’s Governor Ed Rendell was now rooting for the Steelers since his beloved Eagles lost last week.  That dumb ass can’t get out of office fast enough for me.   Time to crack open my first beer.  Naturally I have selected a Pittsburgh beer. I am opening the drinking with Duquesne Pilsner.  Old school beer.  I have been drinking since 11:30 (slowly) so this could go downhill fast, especially if I have to break out the Jameson.

4:33 BEARCAT I can see the dance troop that is the Baltimore Ravens have already started Krunking it up.  Do they spend practice time during the week perfecting their dance routine?  I assume they do.

4:35 BEARCAT New turf? This game is going to be a mess.

4:36 BEARCAT Webb takes the ball to the 50?  WTF? Sushi is making the tackle? Thank God we got the challenge flag out on that one.

4:38 BEARCAT Just heard from Max Power that he is writing as well… He texted me that he was “fairly lit”  This is going to be a mess.

4:40 BEARCAT Michael Oher practiced his false starts and holding all week.  I am sure he will not get flagged once.  He was in a movie you know.

4:41 BEARCAT Heap takes it against the grain for a big gain.  Asked Mrs. Bearcat to get me another beer.  We are at DEFCON 2 already.

4:44 BEARCAT That Pepsi Max NFL Combine ad would be ridiculous if it were not such an accurate portrait for of the circus that is the scouting combine.

4:47 BEARCAT Ed Reed is attacking Hines with bleach and ripping at his face mask but only Hines gets the flag… I am on fire.

4:48 BEARCAT Mike Wallace with a huge first down catch.  This game is an opportunity for him to become a truly elite WR in the league.  Love that guy. Wallace then draws a massive pass interference penalty. Baltimore might be rioting after that one. I hope they burn the city to the ground and loot orphanages.

4:51 BEARCAT Steelers are running the ball between the tackles. Just imposing their will. Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn is masturbating to this play calling.

4:54 BEARCAT Steelers running game > Everything ever. 7-0 Steelers.  Chugging Beer #2. Moving on to Troegs Scratch #39 for beer #3.

4:58 MAX I’ve been drinking a lot already this afternoon watching college basketball.  So much that I couldn’t remember when the game started and the score is already 7-0 Steelers by the time I tune in.  I sure hope Bearcat wrote something funny.  Well, I hope he just wrote something.

4:59 MAX You would think these games would be publicized or something.

5:00 BEARCAT This game started 25 minutes ago and I am pretty sure that 22 of those minutes involved commercials.

5:05 MAX Quote from noted genius Dan Dierdorf, “This has been chippy.”  What did you expect from the Ravens-Steelers, Dan?

5:06 MAX Earlier reports said the NFL was trying to persuade the teams into easing up on the trash talk.  Pshaw!!  If today is anything short of a Pistons/Pacers type brawl, I’ll be disappointed.

5:07 BEARCAT There is not a hold on that play? Timmons just got taken to the ground by Oher?  WTF? That is bullshit.

5:08 BEARCAT Holy Shit! Woodley just affected Flacco’s ability to sleep in the dark tonight.  Woodley ate him up for a nice sack.

5:09 MAX One of the many things I hate about the NFL is that everyone just begs for calls.  The receivers’ first reaction is to look for flags.  The quarterbacks complain incessantly to the refs.  Can we just play the game and let the officials throw flags arbitrarily like they always have in the past?

5:10 BEARCAT 3rd and 15. Madison takes a pass interference penalty.  What a stupid penalty. Gets a 33 yard gain and brings the Rat-Birds into field goal range and then the rushing touchdown by Rice. I need another beer.  (fending off desire to drink Irish Whiskey) 7-7 in the first… Ray Rice dances like he enjoys penis.

5:12 MAX Added to the list of things I thought I would never hear in my lifetime…Pro Bowl kicker Billy Cundiff.

5:16 BEARCAT That hit by Suggs is a penalty… If that was Tom Brady, Suggs would have been put down like a dog.  Suggs is dancing and then it is a live football touchdown?  Ben got hit in the head. No penalty. Suggs can rape, murder and attack with bleach and no one does anything.  I am moving on to whiskey.

5:21 BEARCAT And we are out of challenges.  Pours a double. 14-7 Ravens.

5:22 MAX One of the things I missed while I was tanking up – – the Steelers used a challenge flag on the opening kickoff?!?  When did Jim Caldwell take over the Steelers’ coaching duties?

5:24 BEARCAT Ray-Ray on the sideline discussing the dance of the Redding who got his first touchdown. Ray-Ray giving him some pointers.

5:26 BEARCAT As Suggs has shown, the QB knees and face are free targets.  Harrison should rip Flacco’s ACL out of his knee and wear it like a head band.

5:27 MAX Mmmmm…General Tso’s Bean Curd.  Tummy…so full.  Scallions are such an underrated recipe substitution instead of regular onion.

5:30 MAX How bad are the writers on the latest batch of the Coors Light coach commercials?  Bruschetta? Hotel rooms in San Antonio?  This is really the best you can do with hours and hours of post game press conference footage?

5:31 BEARCAT Troy Polamalu needs to show up…

5:34 MAX I’ve watched Steelers’ games all year and the name Ziggy Hood always makes me think of a ’70s jam band with like 30 different members who were tour openers for Sly & the Family Stone.

5:39 BEARCAT Off the Jameson and back to beer otherwise I will be dead.  Brew Free or Die IPA by 21st Amendment.  Steelers just got bailed out by an illegal contact with 1st down… They needed that.

5:42 BEARCAT HOW IS THAT A FUMBLE??? THIS GAME IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. I AM USING ALL CAPS!!!

5:44 MAX Turnovers and penalties are absolutely KILLING the Steelers.  “Master of the Obvious” Dan Dierdorf shakes his head in agreement with me.

5:46 BEARCAT This is Mrs. Bearcat taking over.  Bearcat is currently on the floor using his Terrible Towel to cover his head.  I am going to go fix him another Jameson. 21-7 Ravens.

5:47 MAX Flacco passing touchdown to Todd Heap.  I have a feeling Bearcat is already chugging straight out of the Jameson bottle.  You might be stuck with just me the rest of the way.

5:49 MAX Wait a second…I forgot that Jim Zorn is the Ravens’ quarterback coach.  That can’t be good for Flacco’s development.

5:52 MAX The highest rated shows on CBS are NCIS, Two and a Half Men, and The Big Bang Theory?  Sometimes America sucks ass.

6:03 MAX Why is Big Ben joking around with Terrell Suggs after the play like they are best buddies?  “We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.”

6:04 MAX Somewhere Skippy smiles and cracks open another Natty Light as Sushi misses.  Odds are pretty good that Bearcat just hung himself with his Terrible Towel.

6:05 MAX Halftime viewing option: Deliverance on CMT.  How appropriate since that first half felt like I just got gang-raped by a bunch of hillbillies.

6:09 BEARCAT I expect Dick LeBeau and Tomlin to murder a locker room attendant and then spit his blood at the entire team.  They should be that pissed.

6:11 BEARCAT Okay I am back.  I am cracking open a Duquesne Pilsner.  I am having some chili (made with Duquesne) and cornbread for the halftime dinner.  I am using my Terrible Towel as an alter cloth draping it over the TV to send positive Yinzer energy to Heinz field.  It will all be okay.  I know it.

6:12 MAX I’m pretty sure I hit the SAP button on the remote control when I realize it’s just Shannon Sharpe on the halftime show.

6:22 MAX Dan Dierdorf describing Ray Lewis, “at 35 still productive,” as the replay shows him unable to keep up with a slow, white tight end across the middle of the field.

6:24 MAX In the hurry-up offense Roethlisberger waits to snap the ball until the Ravens defense is set.  I’m glad to see he’s so goddamn magnanimous.

6:33 MAX Ray Rice fumbles and the Steelers take advantage with a Roethlisberger floater to Heath Miller, 21-14.  Someone use the paddles on Bearcat.  We have a game.

6:40 MAX I love how Budweiser commercials show the “brewmasters” checking the color and taste of the beer.  Who are they kidding?  Everyone knows they could care less about the taste of their swill.  They’re just sitting in a beach chair on a private island shouting “Printing Money!!”

6:43 MAX How many xanax has Limas Sweed popped while watching Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown become key targets of the passing game?

6:50 MAX So CBS is now promoting CSI: Miami with all the weird stuff that David Caruso does?  That’s one angle to advertise something that is unwatchable.

6:51 MAX Ryan Clark fields the punt…oh wait, that was a Joe Flacco pass.

7:00 BEARCAT On practically back-to-back plays Flacco has thrown an INT and fumbled the ball away.  I was in a bit of a drunk coma there.  I am back.  I am pretty drunk at this point.

7:02 MAX With an injury to Jonathan Scott, the Steelers are now down to their last healthy offensive lineman.  If I know Bearcat, he’s already in his car doing 120mph towards Heinz Field to suit up.

7:07 MAX John Harbaugh just threw a challenge flag on a first down that wasn’t.  That was an effective and sneaky way to give his defense a breather without it costing them anything.

7:21 MAX Every time Randle El fields a punt, he really puts the pastrami-clogged arteries of Yinzers to the test.

7:25 BEARCAT Flacco is clearly melting down.  If the Steelers had not made some dumb turnovers this game would have been 40-6 by now.  24-21 Steelers

7:32 BEARCAT 24-24. I was totally hoping Ryan Clark would have broken Boldin’s face again.  Wonder what that would do to his psyche if he had a totally new appearance for the third time in his life.  You know the guy looks completely different than he did before his face got destroyed.

7:33 MAX Time to finish off the lone remaining beer from my Jai Alai six-pack.

7:36 BEARCAT I completely expect LeBeau to instruct Timmons to sexual abuse Flacco here… (I was right)

7:38 MAX The NFL just preemptively electrocuted Dan Dierdorf before he had the opportunity to explain the new overtime rules.

7:38 BEARCAT Would be nice if Troy showed up.  Time for another beer… I missed updating like 3 of them.  Time for a Nugget Nectar in the 22 oz bomber.  Like I’m not trashed enough already.

7:40 BEARCAT Has there ever been a game with more commercials than this one?  The Super Bowl has fewer interruptions.

7:41 MAX Ballsy 3rd down throw going for it all there by Big Ben. Ashen grey balls, but ballsy nonetheless.

7:42 BEARCAT After a huge pick up by Hines, Antonio Brown makes a catch that will cause your mother to want to carry his baby.  That dude is totally getting a threesome tonight in Pittsburgh.

7:42 BEARCAT And naturally CBS immediately goes to commercial.  I feel like we have a commercial break after ever down.

7:46 MAX Terrence Cody just got called for a killer defensive holding.  I think his man-boobs were the culprit.

7:48 BEARCAT Watching Harbaugh meltdown trying to get that timeout might be the the funniest slo-mo replay of the night.  He said that is fucking bullshit at least three times.  I am pretty sure that slo-mo replay has made me highly proficient at reading lips for swear words in a way that otherwise I would never know.

7:50 MAX The Steelers with a HUGE touchdown.  Everyone who bet on them giving 3 points just did a fist pump (me included).

7:51 BEARCAT 31-24
/chugs beer
/sees Kemo’s stupid penalty and drinks a shot

7:52 BEARCAT /sees us kicking off from the 15 and pours another shot

7:55 BEARCAT Ziggy… Gay… I am Gay for Ziggy.  Both of those guys were awesome today.

7:58 MAX Fourth down pass to Housh hits him right between the numbers and he drops it. The Steelers survive and advance!!!  Suck on that Baltimore!!!

7:59 BEARCAT Game. Shut. Your. Face. Baltimore.  /another shot of Jameson

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Dueling Running Diaries: Steelers vs. Ravens

Around 8 o’clock last night, ZJ convinced bullied Bearcat and Max Power into separately doing running diaries of the Steelers/Ravens Sunday Night Football clash. How he got out of doing one we’re not sure.

This could either be something genuinely unique and funny or an unmitigated train wreck never to be done again. Remember, Bearcat and Max had no interaction during the game but we present it to you as one continuous diary. Enjoy!

8:20 BEARCAT – Welcome back to another Running Diary… I have a crazy important day at work tomorrow that I should be preparing for, but instead I am watching the Steelers vs. Ravens and giving you a breakdown of the game because ZJ demanded I do another one of these crappy, tired old posts. Expect lots of drinking (more drinking if the Steelers go south), multiple references to the fact that the Ravens dance and that Ray-Ray stabbed a man.

8:21 MAX – I ask ZJ if he would rather have a running diary of the Sex and the City movie currently playing on USA Network. Carrie and Mr. Big get hitched in this one!

8:23 BEARCAT – Faith Hill could use at least another cup size. If she were a solid C or D she would be way more tolerable with this crappy SNF intro…

8:24 BEARCAT – What the hell is with that black dress she wears that is longer in the back than it is in the front? That is a stupid look.

8:26 MAX – In his pregame analysis, Al Michaels states that he knows both teams are making reservations for the hot tub tomorrow. For the Steelers’ sakes I sure hope it’s a Hot Tub Time Machine and they send an effective offensive line back in time for tonight’s game.

8:26 BEARCAT – Al Michaels is talking about “signature wins”. What is this the BCS? Who cares if all your wins come against inferior opponents? This is the NFL. Every game is weighted the same.

8:27 BEARCAT – James Harrison was just flagged 15 yards and fined 10K for calling tails in a fashion that intimidated the referee.

8:29 MAX – I think Tron: Legacy might be unwatchable. Not in a “bad” way, but in a “I’ll need retina surgery afterwards” way.

8:31 BEARCAT – Al Michaels has mentioned Ben’s specially fitted shoe 5 times already. If you took the under on that one you will lose.

8:31 MAX – How did the Church of Latter Day Saints’ disciple Todd Heap not go to BYU? Instead, he went to noted party school Arizona State. There must be lots of hot Mormon ass in the Phoenix area.

8:32 MAX – During the introductions for the Ravens’ offense, Michael Oher said his hometown instead of his college. We’ve all seen The Blind Side. We know he went to Ole Miss because Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw pushed him to go there. Why hide it? “Yer changin’ that boy’s laahfe. No. He’s changin’ maahne.”

8:32 BEARCAT – First flag of the night holding on the return by the Ravens. The referees are starting right off with the flags. This certainly will have no effect on the flow or nature of the game.

8:34 BEARCAT – The Unibrow gets sacked at the five yard line… 90% sure Ziggy Hood got some penetration on that one. Collinsworth confirms that the Steelers’ defense had “solid penetration” on that play.

8:35 MAX – Carrie and Samantha just had cosmopolitans. ZJ threatens to use rope, duct tape, and claw hammers to compel me to do a running diary of the Steelers’ game.

8:38 BEARCAT – I am pretty sure Terrell Suggs has a bottle of Clorox with him on the field in case he needs to attack someone.

8:40 BEARCAT – Ben has a broken nose… no problem though, not like there would be a flag on that play. If that was Tom Brady that would have resulted in the NFL holding a firing squad execution during the half behind the stadium.

8:45 BEARCAT – Fake punt by the Ravens blown by a false start. Very Bengal-like. Color me impressed.

8:48 MAX – Michaels and Cris Collinsworth keep talking about the “pistol” formation that Pittsburgh is using early in this game. Yet neither of these idiots has mentioned that it might be entirely because of his foot injury even though that’s all they’ve been talking about since they came on the air. Nice job adding two plus two, jagoffs.

8:53 BEARCAT – Half expected James Harrison to say that he was from Fined Repeatedly University… I’m a little disappointed.

8:54 BEARCAT – Another false start. Did someone forget that Michael Oher was taken in by a white family and saved from a life of drug and violence on the streets? You know they made a movie about it and everything. He does not false start he just has a predisposition to protecting people.

8:55 MAX – Steve just told Miranda that he cheated on her with a one night stand. ZJ approves of Steve getting some strange away from that uptight bitch, but he is still becoming increasingly infuriated with my lack of commitment to this running diary.

8:56 BEARCAT – Ben has a tampon shoved up his nose. Probably not the first time but certainly the first time he did not have to pay for the pleasure.

8:58 BEARCAT – Michael Oher just held Harrison back like he was an exploding airbag… No flag.

9:00 BEARCAT – Still waiting for someone to call this a “two chin strap game”. I thought it was part of the NFL broadcast agreement…

9:01 MAX – The Unibrow finds a wide open Anquan Boldin in the end zone for the game’s first touchdown. To celebrate, Flacco goes over and hugs his offensive coordinator, a smiling Cam Cameron. Cameron’s not happy about the touchdown…he’s just happy no one remembers his 1-15 head coaching stint in Miami.

9:01 BEARCAT – Baltimore scores… Bouldin was so open he had time to make a sandwich before catching that ball. Time to drink. First beer of the night is Tumbler by Sierra Nevada. Highly recommended. 7-0 Baltimore.

9:05 BEARCAT – It is 34 degrees for the game tonight. Al Michaels is acting like it is Ice Bowl Part II. If he starts bitching about that new fangled rock n’ roll he might be able to sound just a little bit older.

9:08 BEARCAT – Al Michaels: “Ben lined up in the half shot gun tonight; the pistol if you will.” I want to put a pistol to my head. I would mute the TV but I have to write about this crap for you, the DSB Army.

9:09 MAX – Collinsworth doesn’t know the difference between a “drama queen” and a “homecoming queen”. The only queens he’s familar with are the drag queens down on the corner that he pays $20 to for a blowjob.

9:10 MAX – Ooh…if I go to Blockbuster I won’t have to wait 28 days to rent Knight and Day and Charlie St. Cloud. No wonder Blockbuster is bankrupt.

9:12 BEARCAT – The McDonald’s commerical where the girl asks where breakfast comes from makes me want to nuke a Mickey D’s… First that girl is too old to wonder where breakfast comes from and second it is answers like that one (magic wands) that result in retarded kids.

9:16 BEARCAT – Ray-Ray looking extra murderous tonight… Must have stopped to stab a homeless man on the way to the stadium today. Not like anyone in Baltimore would notice.

9:17 BEARCAT – Terrell Suggs treats Ben like a family member and sacks him vigoursly. He then spends 2 minutes dancing in the backfield. If feels like half the Ravens should have attended Julliard instead of the U.

9:19 MAX – “I am an Eff Bee Eye Agent!” Point Break currently playing on Versus. I’m glad I have commercial-break options.

9:22 BEARCAT – Derrick Mason is hurt… someone call a geriatric physician.

9:27 BEARCAT – #RayLewis and #AnquanBoldin are currently trending on Twitter. They are also trending on the Baltimore City PD’s APB…

9:29 BEARCAT – Ben gets picked off. Need to refresh this beer. Next up: Duquesne Pilsner. A Pittsburgh beer to bring some good karma…

9:31 MAX – Al Michaels explains that the Ravens will get the ball at the 20-yard line since Josh Wilson’s momentum on his interception carried him into the end zone.

9:32 MAX – After a commercial break, the Ravens get the ball at the 2 and Michaels and Collinsworth completely contradict everything they said before they went to commercial while neither of them admit they were wrong a minute ago.

9:32 BEARCAT – McFadden is getting burned up and down the field tonight… That last play had to feel like Stallworth ran him over with a vehicle… oh, wait…

9:33 MAX – “Stallworth was involved in that accident in Florida where a man was killed” No Al, he wasn’t just “involved”…he was driving the car!!!!!!!!!!

9:36 BEARCAT – Al Michaels just tried to make a WikiLeaks joke… Surprised it was not an Enron joke.

9:40 MAX – They just showed a close-up of Big Ben’s bloody jersey from his earlier broken nose incident. How many STDs will the Ravens get when they come into contact with that?

9:43 BEARCAT – Right now I would love nothing more than to watch Hines Ward rip Suggs head off on a crack back block… this would make my night!

9:47 MAX – Citizen Watches have Eli Manning as their spokesman touting their precision and power. I’m not sure what he would know about either.

9:57 MAX– Back at the studio during halftime, Rodney Harrison likes what Baltimore’s defense is doing. Well, they are pitching a shutout. That’s astute analysis from Harrison.

10:00 MAX – How much is Toyota paying NBC to push that Tiny Football League crap on the viewing public every single week?

10:02 MAX – If a QB throws 11 interceptions in his last three games, wouldn’t most media members blame him? Nope, not with Peyton Manning. It’s because “everyone’s hurt”…poor Pey-Pey.

10:08 BEARCAT – Halftime is over… Next beer is up. Dogfish Head 60 minute IPA. Need to step it up for the second half. Desperately trying to avoid the Jameson.

10:09 MAX – Michaels just told us that Big Ben’s shoe is one and half sizes bigger than usual. Kinda like his penis in that Milledgeville college bar bathroom.

10:13 BEARCAT -Terrell Suggs looks like the Alien wearing a football helmet…

10:15 BEARCAT – Steelers get a 45 yard field goal. Lil Ms. Bearcat celebrates by spitting up enough vomit to fill a trash can. The girl is only 17 lbs of infant baby but somehow she just puked enough to halve her body weight. She giggles as I clean it up… 7-3 Ravens

10:24 BEARCAT – The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette posts to Twitter that the Steelers are down 7-0 at the half a whole 45 minutes after the end of the first half and after the Steelers scored to make it 7-3. Why would I look to Twitter for old ass info? This is why newspapers are failing.

10:25 MAX – “What’s that sign say? No bare feet. What’s that sign say? No fighting. What’s it mean? No fighting.” Caddyshack on CMT. I’ve seen this movie hundreds of times and it’s still more entertaining than this Steelers-Ravens game.

10:26 BEARCAT – The Ravens are up 10-3 and Cris Collinsworth appears to have left the booth so that he can give Terrell Suggs a HJ instead of just blowing him from the broadcast booth.

10:28 MAX – How come the smoking hot chick at the end of the Bud Light bank holdup commercial gets 5 seconds of airtime? The whole commercial should be about taking her hostage.

10:31 MAX – Rashard Mendenhall just ran sideways AND backwards to lose 3 yards on that play. He looked like Garo Yepremian on that carry.

10:34 MAX – From Michaels and Collinsworth, “Ray Lewis studies like a rookie…and hits like a tank.” They left out “kills like a murderer.”

10:37 BEARCAT – Heath Miller gets laid out with a helmet-to-helmet hit, but NO FLAG!!! The league is a mess. The officiating is indefensible. And now my cable is out but only for this game. Clearly this is a move by the NFL to repress my speech and to quiet my outrage about this bullshit!

10:41 MAX – Collinsworth just said how huge Heath Miller is in this offense and how tough it will be to replace him. What is he talking about? Miller is averaging less than 3 receptions a game and has only 1 TD this season. That’s nice research, Cris.

10:46 BEARCAT – My cable is still out… now I am following the game on Twitter and via the Steelers radio network.

10:48 BEARCAT – Cable back up… I am putting away the can of gasoline and matches.

10:49 BEARCAT – Terrell Suggs catches Mendenhall in the backfield and Collingsworth just ruined his pants. Now 10-6 Balitmore after Sushi gets the FG. If the Steelers want to win this game they will need to score a TD at some point.

10:53 MAX – Is it my imagination or does True Grit use the Inception *BRAAAAAAAAHMM* in their trailer?

11:05 BEARCAT – The NFL admitted that there should have been a penalty for nearly taking Heath Millers head off… That is good to know. I feel so much better now. I am sure Heath feels better knowing that too. It’s not like it was a game changing play or anything.

11:13 BEARCAT – Apparently our entire run game playcalling is made up of running Mendenhall between the tackles and into a sea of purple.

11:14 MAX – I sure hope Bearcat is writing about the action on the field. If not, this could be one of the worst things to ever go on DSB (and that’s saying something).

11:16 BEARCAT – Steelers choose not to go for it on 4th and 5. Sushi gets a great punt downed on the 4 yard line but is forced to kick it again due to a dumb penalty. The Steelers may not deserve to win this game.

11:17 BEARCAT – McFadden finally has good coverage on a wide receiver and he gets flagged for pass interference. The officiating in NFL games would be laughable if it wasn’t killing the games.

11:19 BEARCAT – Holy shit!!! Troy Polamalu just made the big play they needed! Strips the ball. On the very next play, Terrell Suggs attacks Ben around the head and face “trying to strip the ball” according to Collinsworth and yet no flag. WTF do you have to do to Big Ben to get a roughing the passer call?

11:23 BEARCAT – Touchdown… Redman with the catch and then fighting for the six yards he needed for a touchdown. Just awesome. 13-10 Steelers.

11:25 MAX – You know that Nissan commercial where the woman announces she’s pregnant and the husband goes out and “expands” his coupe to make it larger? Am I the only one who thought he was going out to the driveway to leave and never return?

11:26 BEARCAT – Dick LeBeau should unleash his defense. Make Flacco worry about getting destroyed by linebackers and safeties. Make him fear for his career and well being!!! I demand it!!!

11:32 BEARCAT – McFadden takes a colossally stupid pass interference penalty and my heartburn has reached volcanic levels. My spit could eat through a car bumper at this point. 1:14 left in the game.

11:32 MAX – After an on-field collision, Bryant McFadden needs assistance to get off the field. I’ve watched the entire game…he’s needed more assistance ON the field.

11:35 BEARCAT – Ravens go for it on 4th and 2 and Flacco throws it at an open receiver’s feet. Game over. Steelers win 13-10 and take control of the AFC North.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

A Tradition Like No Other: ZJ’s Running Diary of the Home Run Derby

I purposely avoided the Home Run Derby pre-game crap because of our announcing team, though I did catch Train fire up the crowd into a raucous frenzy with an electric ukulele on their latest masterpiece.  Ummm, WOW!  Just kidding, they sucked.  Now you know that you never have to see them in concert because the singer (Pat someone-or-other) is terrible live.  Speaking of terrible, tonight’s broadcasting team consists of Chris Berman, Joe Morgan, and Bobby Valentine.  Excuse me, but what happened to Steve Phillips?  Did something untoward happen to him that he cannot attend and comment this year?  How am I supposed to find out which hotels have the best road beef??

I hate the Home Run Derby with such venomous poison that I don’t even know who’s participating this year.  Last year’s Derby lasted what, five hours?  Six?  All I remember is that it was like a death march.  Anyway, I admit that I know some of this year’s participants, but not all.  I know that Robinson “MVP” Cano pulled out because of a “minor back strain” or some bullshit like that, but I don’t blame the Yankees for forcing him to withdraw.  He’s too valuable to participate and you don’t want him messing up his swing.  The Derby is for three people and three people only: retreads, replacements, and Albert Pujols.  Enough with an intro, let’s get to it!

8:16 Christ Almighty, let’s get started already.  Chris Young steps to the plate without a ball cap and watches two fastballs down the middle.  Quickly, it’s an 0-2 count.  Oddly, he doesn’t strike out.  I suppose the Diamondbacks aren’t worried about Young losing his strikeout swing.

8:20 With nine outs and just one homer, Young watches three pitches in a row.  After the last one, the mic picks up him saying, “That ball was weird. That ball was funny.”  He then proceeds to step out of the box with an astonished look and exclaim, “That ball just talked to me!”  Young swings at a ball above his head for the final out.

8:22 Nobody shows warning track power like Vernon Wells.  He finishes with one homer also.  And he’s not wearing a ball cap.  COINCIDENCE?!?  We’re watching a pitchers’ duel tonight, boys!  That reminds me, I wonder how well Jim O’Neill—Joe Mauer’s personal BP pitcher from last year’s Home Run Derby—is doing with the Pirates this year.  He’s their #2 starter, right?

On a complete side note, Gus the Puppy Bulldog has already clawed at my new laptop while I was lying on the couch, so I’ve moved to a very uncomfortable hunch position, kind of hovering over the coffee table.  This will be just great for my back.  Gus proceeds to gnaw on the couch leg.  The upside is that I’ve been paying so much attention to The Gustache that I’ve completely tuned out the announcing team.

8:31 Corey Hart wastes no time and belts two quick home runs in his first three swings to make Young and Wells look like fools.  He didn’t stop there, though.  As Joe Morgan so astutely points out, “he had five in a row.”  That’s why Joe gets paid the big bucks.  This is probably a good time to pick Hart as the favorite simply because he’s wearing a ball cap LIKE A BALLPLAYER SHOULD.

8:37 Hart ends his round with—I don’t know—11 or 12 homers.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  My mind was on figuring out how to stand without pain shooting down my back and getting a beer from the fridge.

8:40 Nick Swisher steps in the batter’s box, but the announcing team (heretofore known as The Jibber Jabberers) is too busy fawning over Alex Rodriguez to notice.  Bobby V even has his hand on A-Rod’s thigh.  I should point out that Swisher is barely wearing a ball cap – it’s just kinda sitting on top of his head.  He looks like a cancer kid.

8:45 Swish ends with four home runs but more impressively, his cap never fell off his watermelon-sized noggin.

8:48 First beer cracked!  The sound of the pop top can is music to my ears.  We’re back from commercial with an aerial shot of Angels Stadium, which clearly shows the huge, gay Angels ball caps in front of the stadium.  What’s the gayest stadium in the major leagues?  Angels Stadium?  Comerica Park?  Enron Field Astros Park Minute Maid Park?  Yep, it’s Minute Maid Park.

8:56 I’m pretty sure that Matt Holliday just batted.  He probably hit about five homers. He’s likely dating Alyssa Milano now.

8:59 David Ortiz is about to step up.  He’s either going to have a monster session or fail miserably.  There’s no in-between, right?  He steps to the plate without a hat.  I’m going with two homers.

9:01 I should’ve realized that the 65-mph fastballs down the middle would speed his bat up.  Papi hits three homers on his first four swings.  Kids, this is why you don’t gamble.

9:12 I forgot that Hanley Ramirez was up because The Jibber Jabberers were busy yukking it up with Will Ferrell.  He must have a movie to promote.  I hate cross promotion as much as the next guy and you just know that these kinds of things are cooked up in a massive conference room in Los Angeles with 85 top ESPN execs, some who have ponytails.

But Ferrell delivers some great Harry Caray impersonations, as well as giving us the phrase “Home Run O’Clock.”  That may be my next fantasy baseball team name.  By the way, Ramirez is done with his round.  I’m guessing … six homers?  No?  How many?

9:22 Miggy Cabrera is up.  Ooh, he’s my choice to win it.  A quick look at the TV reveals that he’s not wearing a ball cap, but I’m going with him, dammit.  He or Cano will win the AL MVP this year, and I won’t consider anybody else.  Adrian Beltre can juice up all he wants, but he’s not getting close to these two.  A guy I work with is trying to convince me that Vlad Guerrero will win it.  I asked him if he still believes in Santa Claus.

9:35 I think we’re starting Round 2, which means that four guys have been eliminated.  Who’s moving on?!  Someone tell me!  I can’t rely on ESPN to tell me.

9:36 Oh.  Its Hart, Ortiz, Ramirez, and Cabrera.  Thanks for throwing me a bone, ESPN.  Round 2 has a very Latin flavor, no?

9:38 First beer done!  I blame this enthralling edition of the Home Run Derby for taking my attention away from my beer.  Time to move onto a martini, featuring the Brandon Inge of gins … New Amsterdam!

9:40 The creepy euphemisms are starting to pour out of Berman now.  Ortiz belts one and Berman gushes, “DRILLED!  JUST DRILLED!”  You don’t suppose he uses that in the bedroom, do you?

9:56 Ortiz hit 13 bombs in his round to give him a total of 21.  He’s en fuego!  Apparently, Cabrera went next and hit only like five, giving him 12 total.  The reason I say apparently is because The Jibber Jabberers talked to Ryan Howard throughout Cabrera’s round, and the cameramen all forgot about Cabrera, too, so let’s go with five.

10:03 Hanley Ramirez is having a good round with eight nine so far in Round 2.  Caliente!  What are the chances Ramirez is a Yankee in a few years?  Eighty-five percent?  Ninety percent?  There’s already talk of Jeter moving off shortstop, and you know that Ramirez would love to get out of the Marlin organization, particularly if it would strike a big blow to the team who drafted and dealt him, the Boston Red Sox.  Bonus points to Ramirez after his round for flashing his Gatorade bottle at the camera in some not-so-subtle product placement.  He’s made for New York!

10:10 Corey Hart steps in the box after a wait of nearly two hours to face a BP pitcher with the name Guerrero stitched across his back.  Yeah, this isn’t fixed.

10:11 Hart swings at ten consecutive pitches in the dirt.  Amazingly, he doesn’t hit any homers this round.  This is a shocking turn of events.  At least afterwards he gets interviewed by Erin Andrews, who’s wearing something out of the Eric Yoho Collection.

10:20 I just became aware that we’re in the Finals.  Who knew?  I’ve realized that the Derby, much like a child, is much more tolerable when you’re not paying attention.  Big Papi is at eight home runs with just two outs in this round.  I think he ends with 11 or 12, but who can tell?

10:28 The camera shows Big Papi on the sidelines with his 5-year-old son, Miguel Cabrera D’Angelo.

10:32 Hanley Ramirez approaches the plate with a lot of ground to make up.  Hopefully this goes into extras!

10:37 The Gustache can’t take the excitement and retires for the evening.

10:38 Ramirez only hits something like five homers, so it looks like Big Papi is this year’s Home Run Derby Champion!  Wow!  What a rush of excitement!  I didn’t realize ‘til just now that I’ve been holding my breath all night!  It feels good to breathe again.  We should do this again soon.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
ZJ

Running Diary: Pittsburgh at Baltimore for Sunday Night Football

Just a friendly reminder that Ray Lewis is dangerous and he will murder you given the chance…

It’s a primetime Steelers game so that must mean that I will be doing a DSB Running Diary…

It should be interesting tonight because I normally drink heavily during Pittsburgh games.  With the Dennis Dixon era starting tonight against the Ravens and the Steelers nursing a depressing two game losing streak that threatens the whole season, the drinking tonight should be exceptionally heavy.  As such I make no promises about the quality or content of the diary.

7:30  We are almost an hour away from game time, but I had better start the drinking early.  I have also taken Tums, Rolaids and Pepcid AC in preparation for what will certainly be a heartburn inducing divisional matchup.  The first beer of the evening is Samuel Smith’s Organic Raspberry Ale.  I picked this up in a tall boy bottle and while it is a decent beer it tastes more like raspberry flavored champagne than it does a fruit based beer.  I have generally enjoyed Samuel Smith’s high quality craft brewery style beers but this one is a complete disappointment.  The flavor is very heavy on the raspberry and that is all it provides other than an overwhelming fizziness…couple this with a relatively low 5.1% ABV and this is a beer you can skip.

7:38  Watching ESPN do the rundown of all of today’s games.  They take a look at the standings and Berman says that the 7-3 Patriots are “actually a defacto 10-0 team.”  I can actually feel my brain bleeding out my ears at this moment.  Tom Jackson does not murder Berman so I can only assume that he agrees with this insane logic.  I think I just heard an ESPN production assistant kill himself off camera… either because of that statement or due to an impending hostile work environment lawsuit.

7:45  Switched to NBC’s Football Night in America… you know what these guys need?  More pinstripe suits.  They all look like they go to the same tailor.  How about a window pane or a nice plain black suit on someone?  The striped suits are killing me.  But at least my brain has quit bleeding (for now).

7:56  Some pregame advice for Dennis Dixon… considering you are playing the Ravens, you might want to skip the normal football pads and instead put on a Second Chance Body Armor Vest.  It will help protect you from the almost certain shanking you will receive.

8:02  Its cute how Bob Costas colors his hair except for at the sideburns.  It is almost like we are supposed to believe that’s his natural hair color just because he left a little gray.

8:25  And we are off… Ravens kick to the Steelers.  The crowd is really into it.  Sounds like they are getting ready to cheer for a stabbing.

8:33 The Steelers predictably make two runs then the third down pass is nearly picked off.  Time to start really drinking… next beer up is Bear Republic’s Big Black Stout.  This is a deep dark stout and a fantastic brew.  8.1% ABV. Smoky, black and bitter… just like my heart.  It gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.  I plan to down the entire 22oz bottle in about 5 minutes.  That will help numb the pain of this game.  Oh, good news…Ed Hochuli is calling the game.  Wonder how many push ups he did before the game to ensure that pumped up look…

8:36  Is there an NFL team that dances as much as the Ravens?  It is like they are trying out for Fame after ever play.

8:40  Wilis McGahee with a TD to make it 7-0 Ravens.  Can we get Ryan Clark to unload on him again like he did last year in the AFC Championship game?  I don’t care if we lose Clark for the rest of the game.  It would be worth seeing Ray-Ray cry again.

8:42  From a blimp, Baltimore does not look like the murder capital of the world… all cities should be judged from 5,000 feet.  It is hard to hear the murderous screams from that height too I bet.

8:49  30 yard sprint by Dixon brought back by a holding call… damn he is fast.  The one thing that might save the offense tonight is his legs.

8:50  Time for another beer.  This time we are going top shelf:  Sierra Nevada Torpedo Imperial IPA.  I may have mentioned this beer before during a previous running diary.  If you ever get the chance to pick it up, it is a must drink IPA.  Hoppy but not in excess.  A fantastic beer by which other IPAs could be judged.  It natually gets the Bearcat Seal of Approval.

8:56  The Miller commercial where they cheer and clink glasses to “Jingle Bells” or whatever that holiday song is makes me want to take a machete to the marketing team that dreamed it up.  I hate that commercial and I hate that I am going to be subjected to it during every football game from now until the middle of January.

9:00  Cris Collinsworth:  “This is not really a football game…”  Then what the hell is it?  It kind of looks like a football game to me.

9:03  Dixon makes two GREAT throws to tie the game.  Wow… turn the game manager mode off.  And out come the Terrible Towels… Got to love seeing those at away games if you are a Steelers fan.

9:07  Uh oh… the downside of any Steelers’ touchdown is the ensuing kickoff.  I need to switch to high test.  Vodka and club soda… I bet you thought I was going to reach for the Jameson.  Unfortunately I only have 12 year in the house and that stuff is too good to just start throwing down.

9:13  Collinsworth:  “Michael Oher was brought here just to block Lamar Woodley…”  What is Oher doing for the other 14 games? Signing copies of The Blind Side?

9:19  Baltimore’s cheerleaders look like the Ravens just went down to the local YWCA and gave the aerobics class pom-poms and bus fare to the game.  (Max Power is stunned to hear that Baltimore’s women do aerobics).

9:25  Ray Lewis gets flagged for an obvious holding.  He should give up arguing with the ref and just stab him… you know he wants to.

9:42  First Gay then Taylor gets burned by the Ravens vertical attack.  14-7 Ravens and there is 1:45 on the clock with one timeout.  It should be interesting to see what Tomlin lets Dixon do.  A first down run…and then a second down run… well that answers that question.

9:46  Halftime 14-7 Ravens…

9:53  That Great Moment in Tailgating History halftime ad is totally unbelievable.  No one watched the Steelers when they played at Forbes Field… it would be like paying to watch HYP Flag Football.

10:00  An entire half and we have not heard about how this was a two chin strap game.  That disappoints me.  It kills me when they refer to Steelers/Ravens as two chin strap games.  Maybe CBS has a trademark on that phrase.

10:10  I get it!  Oher’s story was made into a movie… please stop talking about it.  Please just give me some analysis and reasonable commentary about the game I am watching.  I am not going to see The Blind Side… please stop pimping it.

10:15  Reed nails a 44-yard kick to make it a four point game. 14-10 Ravens.  Look out Baltimore, your Wawa paper towel dispensers are about to get a visit from Skippy Reed tonight.

10:21  Timmons shoots the gap and drives The Unibrow to the ground for a 10 yard loss on the sack.  That sets up a quick 3rd down for a second sack and the defense shows up big time there.  This game feels like a winnable game.  I am having a better feeling about this one then I have the past two games.  The Steelers should be able to find a way to win this game.  (Looking back, I wish there was someone watching the game with me so they could have punched me in the face for thinking and writing this.)

10:27  Ohh…a Hines Ward retrospective of his best hits on Ed Reed… Can I buy that on DVD?  I would play it on a constant loop for hours.  I love the one where he lays Reed out and then is calling for the trainer before the play is even over.  Classic.

10:29  Luke Wilson is doing the AT&T postcard commercial… Wow, AT&T has cell phone coverage in major cities.  He spends the 30 second ad listing the 20 most populous cities in America… I am totally blown away that AT&T is servicing all these huge population centers.

10:37  Can we cut William Gay?  He has been getting killed on the field for weeks.  I am tired of him getting burned on the deep pass and getting juked to death on run plays.  I should not be forced to endure his retardary any further.

10:48  Ravens return man Chris Carr is one strange looking dude.  He looks like he might fit in as an extra on Avatar. Tiny ears…

10:50  Timmons forces the fumble and the Steelers recover.  This is the break they need to take the lead.  Dixon had better find his first half form.

10:58  Dixon runs it to the right for a 28 yard touchdown!!! A great block by Mewelde Moore made it possible.  Now the defense needs to hold the Ratbirds’ offense.

10:59  I just realized (again) that the Steelers’ Special Ed Team needs to kickoff after a score.  Yeah, I am reaching for that 12 year old Jameson right now. Going to use that to wash down more antacid…

11:10  4th and five at mid-field and the Ravens go for it.  Rice takes it to the 10 yard line for a first and goal.  There is 2:53 on the clock and the Steelers defense is shook up… They are going to crap this game away.  I am ready to jump out of a window.

11:17  The Steelers defense holds at the goal line and the Ravens tie the game at 17 with 1:51 left to play.  Dixon has a chance to be a hero to the entire city of Pittsburgh…

11:21  A four and out… Dixon can’t read a zone defense to save his life.  The punt to Carr and he drives it to within field goal range… I nearly light my home on fire but thankfully the stupid Ravens commit a block in the back penalty… that’s the only thing that saves the special teams from mass execution upon their return to the ‘burgh.

11:24  Ike Taylor gets hit with pass interference AND illegal contact on the same play with Derrick Mason… this puts the Ravens within field goal range.  Taylor as been getting destroyed all game.  But wait the Ravens screw themselves with a 10 yard offensive pass interference call… thank you for being stupid Baltimore.

11:27  Sack and fumble recovered by Baltimore… and the Ravens rush out to make the kick and damn that nearly gave me a heart attack… it fell three yards short and may have just taken 3 years off my life.  Overtime… Free football!

11:37  Dixon drops back to pass on 2nd and six with an empty set… That was stupid play calling; if you don’t make it you are setting it up so that you have to pass it on third down.  At least go with a play action there.  The spread offense does not get it done with Dixon against a zone.

11:42  Dixon throws a killer interception.  It is returned to the 33 yard line.  That’s the game.  The Ravens will just run it down the Steelers throat from here on out.  I am now contemplating my will to live.  The Steelers have lost three in a row as Baltimore prevails 20-17.

11:47  Not a great game for the Steelers by any stretch of the imagination and probably a worse Running Diary.  The Steelers now sit at 6-5 and half a game behind the Ravens in the Wild Card Race.

11:55  Ray Lewis and Ray Rice are being interviewed as the Stars of the Game.  Ray-Ray (that’s Lewis) can’t stop talking… he is filibustering his own sideline interview.  He says and I quote: “… I touch Ray [Rice] and I get power just from touching him…  I also get power from stabbing people then absorbing their soul.”  (I made that last part up but apparently Ray-Ray likes touching other Rays.  Good to know.) Time to sign off… Congratulations for sticking it out through this rambling mess.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Steelers on Monday Night? That must mean it’s a Running Diary

You’re looking live… at the Daddy’s Sugar Ball Monday Night Football Running Diary…

8:00 Welcome back loyal readers.  Tonight the Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Denver Broncos at Mile High Stadium in Denver, Colorado.  In preparation for tonight’s matchup I have beer in the fridge and Mrs. Bearcat has brownies baking in the oven.  As is my tradition prior to any big Pittsburgh sporting event, I try to eat foods that are from my hometown… anything from pierogies to Isley’s Chipped Chopped Ham. Tonight was Jim’s Hot Dogs.  If Jesus Christ opened a hot dog shop they would taste like Jim’s.  Tonight’s beverage of choice is beer (unless the game turns south).  First up is Harpoon Leviathan Imperial IPA. This is a big beer.  10% ABV. Very hoppy with a proper amount of bitterness to get me in the mood for a Denver beat down.

8:20 Prediction:  Steelers 24 Broncos 17… Holy shit am I pumped up.  Ready for beer number two but I would like to make it through the entire game/blog post.

8:24  That waiting for the next beer thing sucks. F that…  Just opened a 22oz bottle of La Fin Du Monde.  It’s a triple abbey style beer from those fake French pricks in Quebec, but damn do these particular phony French bastards made a damn find beer.  Cloudy, a little hoppy with lots of citrusy-ness.  9% ABV in a big bottle of beer.  Yeah, I am ready.

8:28 Steve Young, Matt Millen, Cris Carter, Tom Jackson and Boomer take the Broncos… I am now contacting the Steeler fan network to coordinate trash being thrown in their yards in retribution.

8:30 Mike Tomlin:  “Every day I go into work I walk past those six Lombardis… that is the standard for this team.” I just got chills.  I love that man.

8:33 With the addition of Ty Law this past Friday, the combined age of the Broncos secondary could take you back to the Stone Age.

8:39 Yes Hank…I am in fact ready for some football.  Please explode some helmets already.

8:40  Orange pom-poms?  Those are gay.  I would never wave one.  The Terrible Towel will punish your pansy pom-pom.

8:44 This passing the ball at will thing is not fun to watch…the Steelers defense needs to wake up.

8:50 After a high octane start by the Broncos, the Steelers Defense tightens up and holds Denver to a field goal.  During that drive ESPN spent at least 5 minutes talking about Ryan Clark and his sickle cell disease.  Is he listed on the injury report as a blood disorder?  No…according to ESPN he is out with a spleen.

8:52 Steelers offense takes the field… I am preparing myself for a disheartening INT.

8:55 Could Big Ben hold the ball any longer for that 3rd down sack?  I think he was waiting for one of the corner backs to die of old age.  He nearly made it.

9:01 Brandon Marshall’s shoes will be placed in the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository after the game.  This is for the safety of all Americans.  To look directly at those shoes could cause eyeball cancer.

9:10 End of the first quarter:  3-0 Denver.  Time to open another beer. That last one was fantastic.  Switching to “regular” beer.  Molson Canadian… in a can.  Always have liked this beer.

9:15 After Orton got his jock licked for the past 20 minutes by the ESPN booth he fakes the “wild horses” formation (stupid name) when (BAM!) Tyrone Carter TAINTs (Touchdown After INT) Orton!!!  That sounds like a WWE call.  I would love to hear Jim Ross call  “Orton TAINTED by Carter!”

9:31 4th and 5 after McDaniels channeled his inner Andy Reid by losing the challenge and Denver is going for it… A completion but there is a holding call on the play.  Finally! James Harrison gets a holding call.  I thought holding Harrison was allowed in the NFL.  Of course Jaws disagrees with the flag.  I hate him.

9:36  Wait…the Steelers get to play offense?  I thought they were going to play defense all night… Just punt it on first down and try to get safeties and interceptions returned for touchdowns.

9:42  Mike Tomlin’s message to our armed forces should be played to the Taliban.  They would quit fighting us and instantly become Steeler fans.

9:47  Chucky just informed the audience that Brett “The Diesel” Keisel (the defensive lineman wearing the uniform who just made a tackle) is a football player.  Glad we cleared that up.

9:52  Halftime…that means it’s time for brownies and another beer.  This game is moving along at a nice pace.  I might actually get to bed at a reasonable hour for once.

Your half-time entertainment: (NSFW unless your work is ok with songs about accidental anal sex)

http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/2ym8

10:09  We are back…Hank Williams asks again if I am ready for some football.  Yes…still ready.

10:11 After getting in a rhythm on offense, Ben gets the ball smacked out of his hand and it is taken 54 yards to the house by Denver.  I would destroy my television but I need to complete this post.  I am furious beyond words.  Time to break out the Jameson…

10:20  On three passes Big Ben has moved the ball 60 yards down for a first and goal from the three and then a Hines Ward Touchdown!!! That was fantastic. Denver is in trouble.  Backing away from the Jameson…

10:38 This Steelers offense was looking like a well oiled machine until that end zone interception…back on the Jameson.

10:42 LaGarrette Blount was reinstated today meaning he will take the field this weekend as the Oregon Ducks face Arizona.  The PAC-10 approved the reinstatement.  Think this has anything to do with Oregon all but winning the conference and getting to represent the PAC-10 in a major bowl?  Me neither.

10:45 The fourth quarter…I wish I could mute my TV but I am afraid I might miss Mike Tirico killing Chucky because he can’t shut up.

10:58 Can we quit trying to teach Limas Sweed to catch a football during the game.  Can we just cut him already?  I am pretty sure that he has dropped over 100 balls since being drafted.  The Steelers should cut him in Denver and tell him to take a Greyhound bus home.

11:02  Troy Polamalu with the INT… sublime.  Another reminder of why the Steelers drafted him instead of Larry Johnson.  At least Orton is taking it well…he appears to be chewing out his buddies on the bench. That’s leadership.

11:05  Roethlisberger rolls out on 3rd and 10 and throws a bullet to Mike “60 Minutes” Wallace for the touchdown.  I would have something witty to say here but between the beer and the Jameson my brain is barely functional at this point.

11:14  Denver is all out of challenges and has just one timeout with six minutes to play…great game management by McDaniels.

11:23 Watching the Steelers run the ball down a defense’s throat just warms the heart.

11:24 Gruden looks like he is wearing a bullet proof vest under his suit. I don’t think he is that annoying, but of course I have not seen his hate mail.

11:26 Is Stuart Scott wearing OJ Simpson’s gloves?  Those looked just like the Juice’s leather Isotoners.

11:39 Tyrone Carter with another INT to end the game.  Congrats Steelers…you are 6-2 and next week you get a chance to exact some revenge on the Cincinnati Bungles.  A great Steeler win.  The halftime adjustments were well executed. A fine win.

12:01  “Big Ben is tough to coach against and tough to coach”…(what?)…”He is like Night at the Improv and he is Johnny Carson…”  Someone please keep Millen from talking about football.  He might cause me to hurt myself or someone else.  I can’t take any more so I am signing off.  Thanks for checking out this rambling pile of crap…out.  See you in the comments section.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Chargers at the Steelers… Sunday Night Football… A Running Diary

You can’t call that bullshit… besides I am wearing the puffy coat… We don’t lose while I am wearing the puffy coat.

8:19 Mrs. Bearcat and I are in Pittsburgh at Mama and Papa Bearcat’s house for the Chargers at Steelers Sunday Night Football game… what else but another one of my Steelers Game Running Diary entries.

8:21 Mrs. Bearcat: “Who are the guys with lighting bolts on their heads? Are they the Rams?”
I really hope she wins the DSB Pick’em League…I want it so bad.

8:24 Mrs. Bearcat: “I wish Al Roker was singing the intro song; that would be way better than Faith Hill. Because I like how he does the Sunday Night Football intro on the Today show.”

8:26 More Mrs. Bearcat: “I don’t think Ben is looking that good. His face looks fat and his hair is shaggy.” I agree he is looking way too heavy…

8:30 Hey Andrea Kramer… 1985 called and Michael Jackson wants his Thriller jacket back.

8:36 Touchdown… that did not take long… again another quick start by the Steelers offense. Hope this script is different then the last couple games.

8:46 Just found out the Steelers scratched Limas Sweed for the game… could not be more deserved. Maybe this will allow him to remember that his job is to “catch” the football.

8:50 Antonio Cromartie is like a name out of a comic book… I wish my parents named me Antonio Cromartie. I would have definitely grown up to be an X-man.

8:56 14-0 two drives two touchdowns… hope you all took the over… BTW the over/under was 44

9:04 For you not paying attention at home… the Pirates season ended today. It ended with a 6-0 shutout to the Reds. Of course it did… (weeps softly)

9:06 The Chargers punter has braces… not knee braces…braces to straighten his teeth. His name? Mike Scifres… From? Western Illinois… I am sure you knew that already.

9:13 Steelers are running with authority… this is a first for the 2009 season and this is a major problem for the Chargers.

9:15 Back-to-back sacks… come on Ben how freaking long are you going to hold on to that ball while the defenders are coming straight ahead?

9:30 On their own 30 yard line the Steelers go for it on fourth and an inch… a great call. If you can’t get an inch you don’t deserve to win the game. They get it with Big Ben diving for a yard.

9:45 Fast Willie Parker (Official Name) might be losing his spot as a starter to Mendenhall. Two Touchdowns today and a strong running game between the tackles and outside means that the Steelers can control the game. This is why the Steelers drafted this guy. He can run the ball. 21-0

9:50 With only seconds to play in the half Mrs. Bearcat bails on the game and heads to bed.

9:58 I just found myself agreeing with Ray Lewis after hearing his rant about the roughing the passer calls in today’s Ravens-Pats game… I am now clawing out my eyeballs.

10:17 After a fantastic drive that was never in doubt Ben connects with Heath Miller to make it 28-0… I wonder if Marmalard is still talking all that trash to the defensive backs and the crowd.

10:34 In case you are wondering why I am not drinking heavily and where Mrs. Bearcat is with her running diary brownie baking… I have to go under the knife tomorrow morning for some surgery on my arm… so no booze and no food for the next 12 hours. This is not helping.

10:48 The Steelers are playing a deep cover two now that they are up 28-7 in the fourth quarter but every pass is either a TD or an INT waiting to happen… I hope we don’t see another end of game meltdown by the Steelers Defense.

10:51 Punt… to Logan and he gets stripped of the ball before he is either brought down or the whistle could be blown for forward progress… WTF? It’s a touchdown for the Chargers? Shit here we go.

11:00 Moore to Miller in a gadget play… Collins loves it!!! I love it. 35 – 14

11:08 The Steelers are still soft in the fourth quarter as the Chargers score again going nearly 70 yards in 90 seconds to make it 35 – 21… there is still 5:48 seconds left in the game…

11:11 Onside kick and the Steelers hands team can’t get a handle on the ball and the Chargers recover… God Damn this team. They are trying to kill me.

11:14 James Harrison gets called on a defensive pass interference against Antonio Gates on a ball that WAS NOT CATCHABLE but apparently Vegas made a phone call because on the next play the Chargers pull within seven points and the score is 35-28 I am going to go throw garbage in the yard of every special teams and defensive player if the Steelers lose this game. The Steelers are just terrible in the fourth quarter… Ben needs to go down the field and score. Ice this game.

11:15 The lack of booze tonight is killing me…

11:19 BTW have I mentioned that I have Rashard Mendenhall sitting on my bench in fantasy football? Of course he has a career game. 165 yards and two touchdowns… He is chewing up the clock during this drive and is lighting it up… love this guy.

11:34 Reed gets off the schneid… nails it from 43 yards out to ice the game with a ten point lead and only 43 seconds left to wind off the clock.

11:36 James Harrison rushes the left tackle for the blitz and lights Marmalard up and he coughs up the ball with the Steelers recovering. Game over. Steelers climb to 2-2 and are only one game behind both the Bungles and the Ravens for the AFC North lead. I am out…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat