Steelers v. Chefs Running Diary…

Welcome back for another DSB Running Diary where I provide a dick joke fueled rundown of the Steelers primetime game…. So yeah, the usual shit show on DSB.

8:15  Peter King brings up the Favre to Texas rumors… I scream at my TV the whole time he is speaking then Costas asks when Favre’s name will stop coming up.  WHEN PETER KING FINALLY STOPS BRINGING IT UP, YOU MEAT HEAD!!!

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

8:22  Faith Hill has yet to compare Obama to Hitler so I guess we will continue to suffer through this shitty intro…  If she did it in a bikini at least then I could mute it.  NBC tries to sex it up with the leather suit but really she just looks like she hates it and leather is only sexy if the chick looks like she wore it specifically because she wants to get nailed all night long in a really profane way.

8:24  As I always say Arrowhead is the toughest place to play on the road in the NFL… I heard that about 15 years ago and considered it gospel.  I will always assume it is true regardless of the actual facts, data or analysis. 24-17 Steelers is my prediction.

8:28 Mrs. Bearcat is going through our mountain of mail that has been collecting on the dining table.  “You want this Brookstone Magazine?  What is Brookstone, anyway?  Is this like those airplane magazines that sell hotdog cookers and shit?”  Me: “Pretty much”

8:30 Todd Haley looking extra homeless today…  This feels like a positive for the Black and Gold.

8:31  “Tyler Palko, Pitt”  He looks like he just rolled out of bed 35 seconds before doing his intro tape…   “Jonathon Baldwin, Pittsburgh”  He was clearly stoned… way to sell that Pitt Panther football.

8:33 Steeler defense looking especially sieve like in the early going.  This might be a good point to mention that I recently decided to take a break from drinking.  It is moments like this that make me think I should return to numbing the pain with booze.  NOW TROY IS SLOW TO GET UP and may be concussed?!?!?!  WHERE’S THE BOOZE?!?!?!?!

8:38  Steelers defense tightens up and force the Chefs to kick a FG (Yes, Max Power and JP I mean Chefs and I know that commercial is a decade old.)

8:41  Al Michaels just called Ben “indestructible.”  Season ending injury now imminent.  This has me distressed.

8:43  Heath Miller with a  catch and Arrowhead sounds like Heinz Field.  Wow… basically destroys my theory that KC is toughest stadium in the league.

8:46  The autumn chill has Ed “Guns” Hochuli putting on the long sleeves I will assume he finds that depressing.

8:50 Mewelde Moore fumbles into the end zone… still not drinking… still not drinking… still not drinking…  Why the HELL WAS HE IN THE GAME THERE??? What does he do that Mendenhall, you know our first round draft pick, can’t do?

8:54 Keisel reminds the Chefs that they are the Chefs by pouncing on Palko’s fumble… Nice.  Bails out the Offense on that one.

8:58 Haley is going to burn a challenge… This has an Andy Reid feeling to it.  Well wasted my friend.   Mike Tomlin thanks you for your stupidity.  He earned about 12 inches…  good job there Hailey.

9:02 That was one of the strangest 4^th and 2 conversions I have ever seen…  Wow… just wow.

9:05 The Steelers O-Line gives up another sack and the Steelers are clearly leading the game in “Shooting itself in the foot category” at this point of the game.

9:08 I spoke too soon. No one out “shoots themselves in the foot” Tyler Palko.  He throws a pick that is so bad it looks like he was trying to get intercepted by Ike Taylor…  I think I completely forgot about his time at Pitt.  How did that guy get in to the NFL?

9:11  End of the first quarter and somehow this game is still 0-3 KC.  Let me take the time to now provide my thoughts on the NBA lockout ending… It sucks.  That is all.

9:13 Collinsworth has now mentioned Ben’s thumb 3,869 times so far.  Way to dig deep when prepping for the game there pal.

9:14 Steelers blow the red zone offense. Settle for a FG and the game is now tied 3-3.

9:16 Palko just threw another interception to Mundy… that is three possession and three successive turnovers.  This is awesome.  Wonder if Peter King will speculate about Brett Favre coming to KC at the half.

9:24 Touchdown! To Saunders!!! Great pass and masterful catch. 10-3 Stillers.

9:28  The always great TV moment of commercial, kickoff, commercial break.  God forbid we show some football in this broadcast.  I am really just watching so that Miller Lite can continue to call men who do not drink their watered down beer pussies.

9:36  Just saw that the Caps fired Bruce Boudreau… Christmas has come early.  Suck it fat ass.

9:46 Boudreau firing was from bullshit fake Twitter account.  Christmas canceled or at least put off for another could of games.  Two minute warning and I am losing interest in this game. Paula Creamer’s mini-skirted golfing Citizen Watch commercial is holding my interest better than this game.

9:49 Jesus… Al Michaels just announced that Bob Costas will be pontificating about the Stevie Johnson TD celebration where he pantomimed Burress shooting himself in the leg and a plane crash in one swift move.  I thought this was brilliant…  Where is my Rage-ohol?

9:55 Sushi nails a 49 yard kick to bring on half time.  I will now share with you a video with an awesome drag race wreck that caused the driver to just say “Fuck it… this car is destroyed I am going to enjoy burning up every single part on this bitch.”

10:03 Time for the Costas soapbox… Here he spends 5 minutes of self-indulgence to decry self-indulgence.  What a joke.  Pretty sure Costas also hates “uppity blacks.”

10:08 Thank God for Toyotathon otherwise my “end of year” would blow…

10:09 If the Detroit Lions on the Play 60 Bus had shown up at my school for a commercial I would have challenged them to a game and told them that the line was Lions +3.  We totally could have covered.

10:12 Michelle Tafoya brings us back from the halftime break by reporting that Hailey stated that Palko “just needs to play better.” For that kind of crack reporting she probably makes six figures.

10:15  While I am thinking of it… I saw The Muppets this weekend.  It was fantastic.  Five out of Five stars.  Only gripe: not enough Lew Zealand.  See this movie… you will not regret it.

10:16 Ben throws a pick into double coverage… Collinsworth does not use this as an opportunity to bring up Ben’s broken thumb. Now I think he is just messing with me.

10:20 Michaels and Collinsworth logic: Palko played at Pitt.  Pitt uses same facilities as Steelers.  Palko prepared to play Steelers.  Like he learned how to beat them via osmosis… My head hurts.

10:35  KC goes wildcat on 3^rd and 1 and gets stuffed and then fake punts for the conversion.  I will assume that TaFoya would report that the Chiefs “went for it so that they could continue to keep the offense on the field…” if given the chance.

10:55 I am basically in a coma from this game.  Still 13-6 Steelers but the defense might be more tired than I am.

10:58 KC screws up the end of the best drive they have had all night and are left with kicking a FG. 13-9 Steelers with more than seven minutes left in the game.

11:01 Collinsworth has used the term “penetration” about 50 times tonight…. Mrs. Collinsworth is clearly not pulling her weight.

Sasha Gray understands penetration like few others…

11:02  If the Southwest baggage handlers threw a penalty flag at me in the airport I would punch them in the throat.  Traveling sucks enough already besides the prospect of being reminded that airlines deliver a double anal fisting through my wallet.

11:10 The Steelers never put KC away and now the Chiefs are in a position to drive the field and win the game… this sucks.

11:16 The Chiefs are driving down the field and are moving the ball nicely… this is causing heartburn.  1^st and 10 with 38 clicks on the clock with the ball on the Steelers 38.  I am going to watch the rest of the game from a standing position.

11:19 Chiefs have a FALSE START!!! LOL  This team truly has perfected the ability to be a complete clusterfuck in prime time.

11:20 Can we pick off Palko again?  The game was more fun with we were doing that… HOLY SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED.  I swear to God I was asking for it just as it happened. WOW…

11:25 Well it’s a win.  13-9 Steelers. Not pretty but we are 8-3…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bearcat

Running Diary: Steelers v. Ravens

Welcome back to the DSB Running Diary.  The last time this shit show appeared on DSB was back in January when the Steelers played the Ravens in the playoffs and swept them across three games during the 2010-2011 season.  Expect the usual from DSB over the next few hours: dick jokes, inside jokes, no insight, extreme homerism, Yinzer crap, and long stretches of time where nothing happens.

7:51 I have just read a report that the Ravens have welcomed a drifter into the locker room and are ritually stabbing him as a pre-game warm up.

7:52 Confirmed:  ZJ will again continue his impressive streak of refusing to write anything for this website.

7:55 I expect that Hall of Famer and Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick LeBeau is currently tasking his defensemen with performing various sexual assaults on Flacco.  I am going to assume that the Penn State Sandusky grand jury leaks are the blue print.

7:57 And NBC shows Ray-Ray screaming gibberish at a semi-circle of angry men for the first time tonight.  This is what football people call “leadership.”   Looked to me like he just spent five minutes asking “WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!?!”

8:18 Still have yet to hear this game described as a “Two Chin Strap Game…” what gives cliché driven TV sports people?

8:21 Would be nice if Faith Hill also called the President a Nazi… Killing off that crappy song would be pretty nice.

8:25 Flacco’s unibrow… nice to know that some things never change.

8:31 Thank God I saw that flag before Ray Rice went off to the races or else I would be breaking everything in my house. Typical Raven penalty.

8:33 Michael Oher gets his introduction.  Insert “No he is saving me” movie quote here for Max Power.

8:38 If I was Ike Taylor I would throw magnets at Boldin’s face and see if any of them stick to that metal used to reconstruct his face.

8:41 Baltimore kicks for three after Ray Rice bitches about the refs having a quick whistle.  Got to give it to these referees, they make calls against these Ravens even though they have to figure most of that 53 man roster is packing switch blades. 3-0 Ratbirds

8:45 Text from ZJ: NBC plays David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” going into commercial. Perfect for a Ravens’ game.

8:50 NBC shows Ray-Ray coaching up his defense on the sideline… looked like he was offering Corry Redding a blowjob.

8:58 Steelers finally get a stop on 3^rd down. 40 yards out Cundiff misses it wide.  100% chance he grew up being called Cunt-diff.

9:08 Ray-Ray head hunting on a tackle against Hines… I am going to assume that Goodell will be sending Ray-Ray a check for that illegal hit.  Probably some of James Harrison’s fine money.

9:10 Ravens challenge the catch by Ward that took about 5 weeks off his life. The only way that is not a  catch is because Ray-Ray was headhunting and he concussed him midair.  But you can’t throw the flag now.  This is horseshit.

9:13 Overturned the call of a catch.  This is garbage.  I am pissed.

9:14 Sushi ties it at 3 all.

9:15 If I buy a Toyota Camry I have to put up with Chris Berman in my car? That does not sound like a selling point.  Listening to him will make me want to drive it off a cliff.

9:17 The Steelers defense should be screaming “Pull!” after every Flacco throw.  They need to get some interceptions the guys is just tossing out dead ducks right now.

9:19 Ravens convert another third down.  Apparently, the Steelers defense believes that they only need to play for two downs tonight.

9:23 43 yard kick good by Cunt-diff… 6-3 Ratbirds.

9:27 Cory Redding clearly motivated by the Ray-Ray BJ just nails Mendenhall in the back field. Steelers really need to unleash Ben and just throw deep.  Where is Mike Wallace?  Attending the Andy Rooney funeral?

9:29 And finally Ben throws to Wallace but the pass broken up.  I should have made that joke 15 minutes earlier.

9:34 Al Michaels calls the Steelers the “hump team.”  This is less funny than Joe Buck saying the ball was “fisted” but it is pretty good none the less.

9:50 Another FG… Sushi for three.  6-6 with just over a minute on the clock.  This game has dragged to a crawl.

9:52 Harrison touched Flacco and got a nice sack.  That will cost him 50K from Mr. Goodell.

9:54 Ryan Clack makes the same hit on a Raven that Ray-Ray did on Hines and that results in both a flag and Collinsworth’s unending contempt.  I hate these guys… I am talking about NBC sports.

9:58 Luck for some, a bullshit call was reversed and Boldin did not catch the ball.  If that was not overturned I would have started killing midgets by tossing them into heavy traffic.

10:01 Cunt-diff hits a 51 yard FG to make it 9-6 at the half.  Now for NBC and Joe Rogan to scream at me for 60 seconds and tell me to watch people get thrown from moving vehicles and eat live bugs for an insanely small amount of cash compared to the humiliation.

10:21 After building a great drive… and Suggs intercepts.  I wish I was drinking.  This is insane.

10:29 Collinsworth makes the stupid claim that “I’m not sure if these teams even care what the score is. I think they just want to beat each other on the field.”  WTF does that even mean?  All they care about is score board.  They are trying to win the game dumbass.

10:35 Collinsworth is clearly on the Ravens payroll.

10:36 Ray Rice drives the ball into the endzone and drives Collinsworth to orgasm. 16-6 Ravens.

10:46 The Dance Troop that is the Baltimore Ravens are showing a great deal of restraint this game.  Very little Krumping.

10:50 Text from ZJ: “I hope that little pissant Ray Rice gets a cleat in his fucking throat.“ Could not agree more.

10:52 Ben scrambles for the end zone and Collinsworth gleefully cheers for the video to overrule the call on the field.  1^st and goal with half a yard to go.

10:56 Mendenhall drives the ball in off the tackle and scores the TD. 16-13 with 14+ minutes left in the game.

10:57 Text from ZJ: “I hope the polar ice caps melt just so they stop making those annoying Happy Feet movies.”  Not sure but he might think those were filmed on location.  I am fairly certain he has had enough to drink tonight to make that possible.

11:00 Harrison beats down a double team for the sack … and Foote with a stop brings up the always dangerous 3^rd and long… holding my breath.

11:02 And the Ravens convert… I feel like I have seen this game before.  It does not end well.

11:05 3^rd and 5… and they convert again.  This is the failure that will lead to the loss.

11:07 3^rd and long again… And a fumble!!! William GAY!!! We are all GAY!!!  Going to be honest I thought that drive was going to be the nail in the coffin.

11:11 Cotchery just made a great heads up catch to keep the momentum going with the Black & Gold.  Need a touchdown on this drive.  May not see the ball again.

11:15 That was a typical Ben TD… scrambles, buys time nails Wallace in the end zone.  20-16 and the Steelers take the lead for the first time.  Collinsworth gives a forced laugh to pretend like he is happy to see the lead shift but in reality we all know that he is thrashing the TV booth.

11:20 Time for Hall of Famer Patron Saint of the TAInt Dick LeBeau to unleash his Defense.  I hope Dick demands the head of Flacco on a plate for his post-game meal.  Harrison will deliver.

11:21 Three and out in less than 90 seconds!!!  Steelers collect the ball at the 46 yard line.  Collinsworth is currently out gathering hookers for Ray-Ray to copulate with then stab Marquise de Sade style.

11:25 Cotchery with a huge catch.  He should get a game ball.  Why was this Cotchery not scoring with the Jets when he was on my shitty fantasy football teams?  He as exhibit #2 on my Lee Evans Do Not Draft list.  /Copy Rights “Lee Evans Do Not Draft List”

11:29 Delay of game leads to punt over FG attempt?  This is the shit that comes back to bite a team…

11:31 Flacco always looks like he is waiting around for his laundry to dry.  Does he even have a pulse?  Would you be happy to have him this detached?

11:36 4^th and 1 at midfield… I wish I had a bottle of Jameson.  I would drink all of it.

11:37 Boldin converts and two plays later a wide open Torrey Smith blows a deep pass in the endzone. /Three drops of pee leak out.

11:39 Time Out Pittsburgh: i.e. Defense is gassed.  This is not good.

11:41 Torrey Smith with the touchdown… and now the Krumping starts.  Ravens are dancing all over the sidelines.  This is horrible.  Defense is to blame the failure to stop anything on 3^rd down especially at the end is what killed the Steelers.  Thank you and good night.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat