DSB suggests not taking PR advice from any of these guys…
Bill Gates once said that if he had only a single dollar left to spend, he’d spend it on PR.
Sounds like a ringing endorsement for public relations… and if you are a trillion dollar monopoly who got most of their early stuff by stealing from IBM and Apple then you probably need it. But if you are a million dollar athlete or celebrity the last thing you need is a PR man. The idea seems to be that with good PR you can shift the power from the people who are reporting the news to the person who is (most time unfortunately) making the news. What you really need most likely is to either shut up or just be honest and tell the whole story.
If you get caught in a scandal today every word you speak from that point on is dictated by a PR professional. Got caught taking steroids, cheating on your wife or busted by the fuzz? Here are some of the standard PR responses or plans of action:
Learn the phase: “I would like to apologize. “ You would like to apologize but you are not actually going to apologize. This is important.
Refuse to say what you are apologizing for.
Never say you are sorry. Sorry sounds like guilty.
If you have to say you are sorry use the term “if.” “I am sorry if I offended anyone.” or “If you are offended then I am truly sorry.” If you weren’t offended then I don’t care because obviously you don’t either.
Never utter the words steroids, drugs, problem, sex, affair, other women, cheating or terroristic threat.
When caught red handed pretend it did not happen.
Although you have never wanted privacy before this event ask for privacy in dealing with this “family matter.” It does not matter that you got caught with a dead tranny hooker; this is still just a “family matter.”
Blame it on society. The pressures to perform, and your drive for success made you do it. It’s almost like you were doing ‘roids for the fans and therefore it is their fault! They owe you an apology damn it!
Cry. If you are crying some people will feel sorry for you.
Say “No one can be as hard on me as I am being on myself.” That is complete horseshit but it will cause some people to come to your defense. “Stop beating him up… he is already beating himself up over this.”
Blame your buddies. “I wanted to pay my taxes but Mookie, my accountant, was moving all my money to off shore accounts without my knowledge.” Or “I have no idea why my friend T-Bill would have turned my walk-in-closet into a weapons cache holding 563 guns, several land mines, and a Stinger surface-to-air missile.”
If shit is really bad you go to rehab and come back a new person with a new outlook on life.
If shit ain’t so bad then you are “relaxing at a spa” and not in rehab.
See, I have just saved you hundreds of thousands of dollars today. But here is an idea… How about instead of doing a half ass apology or not telling the whole truth you try one of two things. Just shut up. Don’t talk at all. Don’t open your mouth.
Or come out and give an apology like this…
I used steroids. I used them even though I knew it was wrong because they made me a better athlete and helped me win. I used them because they made me stronger, faster and better than those who did not use them. I should not have used steroids. Today, I am sorry that I used these drugs. I am sorry for what I have done to my sport and to my fellow competitors. I know that I have diminished both my legacy and my sport by doing this. I am sorry for that too.
You could say those things but then again that would be honest… Unless you are not sorry. If you are not sorry… then just go ahead and hire the PR man. At least it lets us know you are not sorry.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat
DSB would like to thank the Department of Justice. Yesterday, the people that oversee anti-trust matters approved the merger between 
MTV is currently in contract negotiations with the staff of its hit reality show Jersey Shore. Reports have been floated around that the cast wants the same money as the cast of The Hills is taking in and that they are also taking a Friends-style “all for one, one for all” approach to negotiations. It is almost like they think they can’t be replaced. Jersey is chuck full of Guido douche bags that are willing to offer up their hand me down Escalades just so that they can pimp the hair gel/fake tan looks on cable. The only question is can they take a punch like Snooki?
Glenn Bell, the man who founded the Taco Bell franchise, died over the weekend. As this moment of mourning passes over the Mexican fast food franchises, all locations will rename the five layer burrito “The Glenn”. Also, DSB has learned that Glenn Bell will be put to rest inside a six foot tall 
Jake “The Bachelor” Pavelka recently has been doing the rounds on all of the Hollywood reporting shows (Access Hollywood, ET, E! and all those other trashy “news” shows) talking about the scandal on ABC’s hit primetime reality show. Word leaked early on that contestant Rozlyn Papa had an “inappropriate affair” with a show producer. Jake “The Bachelor” (who even by pilot standards is incredibly douche-y) in interviews admitted that he felt “cheated on.” We here at DSB really do understand how he feels. If I was simultaneously dating 18 women and one of them stepped out on me, I would be royally pissed…but mostly I would be hurt.
Olivia Namath, daughter of Joe Namath, was pulled over in Jupiter, Florida doing 58 in a 50 mph zone shortly there after police found pot in her car. Olivia is 18 years old with a two year old daughter by a man who has a lengthy police record which includes crystal meth possession and burglary. Olivia’s pot was found in her trunk, which leads me to believe we are not talking about a couple of “roaches.” When contacted by DSB Joe Namath was surprised and elated by the revelation that he had a daughter. He was so excited he offered to kiss us. Joe proceeded to make out with the receiver end of his phone for approximately three minutes.
Why it is a jerk:
Daddy's Sugar Ball 