People at the Ballgame

DSB has taken the time today to do a rundown of the people you see at the ball game.  Pretty much 95% of all baseball attendance falls within these categories:

Scorekeeper
Old… hunched over, scorebook in hand; brought his own bottle of water to the game. The Scorekeeper is dedicated. Plain and simple. He will not cheer for that Willie Stargell-esqe 500-foot bomb, but rather records the homer in the scorebook and takes account of the fact that it was a hit-and-run scenario. Are you wondering what the No. 3 hitter did in his second at-bat, for the past 67 games? Go make friends with the Scorekeeper.

Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play.
Sweaty even on cool September nights; looks physically uncomfortable; very quiet; used to heartbreak and tends to be from Boston, Cleveland and the Chicago area.  Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play really f-ing cares, but is crippled by fear. This is the fan that has seen the closer give up three runs in the top of the ninth in the playoffs. His heart breaks on every called third strike, he openly weeps for the stranded runner in scoring position. But he keeps coming back.

The Purist
Wearing sport apparel but not of any particular team; pensive; happy to chit-chat but comfortable in silence; looking for ample opportunities to clap a well timed play or to applaud a well executed outfield shift. He will applaud either team. He will give a standing ovation for an opposing pitcher who threw the complete game shutout against the hometown side. Clapping is his thing. The Purist is there strictly for the love of the game. He needs not your beer or hotdog. Those are distractions from the beauty that is baseball. This is also the guy that believes baseball is a metaphor for life. Damn I hate him.

The Loyalist
Has a solo season ticket; never leaves the game early; likes to make conversation with those around him. Has seen every pitch of every game; even that one that had two separate three hour rain delays and where his team lost 13-2. He was there… the whole time.

The Gambler
He is betting balls and strikes with his buddy. A quarter on every pitch. He is constantly looking at his cell phone for score updates because the around the league board does not update fast enough. He bitches about the inability for the home team to cover. He has a system or tips that he will be glad to share with you (dear God don’t listen to this shit!). He watches the around the division highlights on the Jumbo-tron like it is Jesus Christ himself reporting on his fantasy team. In the 8^th Inning he is calling his bookie looking for the line on the Sunday Night game so he can “win it all back.”

The Heckler:
Hey Ump! Open your eyes you’re missing a great game! That’s the worst call I have ever seen! Hey Third Base… you’re a Bum. Number 3 get off your knees you’re blowing the game! Yep you know him… the Heckler. The Heckler believes that he can actually change the fate of the game via his psychological warfare and biting wit. This man will assault the entire third base line and believes that the error by the SS is his doing. I’m in your head 12! You figure that his voice will give out down the stretch but this guy is a professional. He can scream for 23 straight innings and did last year during that extra inning double header. He figures he forced 3 outs all by himself that day and willed two balls into the gap just by screaming at it.

The Radio guy (AKA The Bartman)
Middle-aged; 80’s “silk” division champion jacket; unshaven; headphones purchased at least 15 years ago, fan of the Mets, Cubs, Cards or Pirates.  The Radio Listener does not want to hear your bullshit. The Radio Listener does not want to hear the little boy ask his parents for cotton candy and the beer guy with the unique way of calling “Cold Beer Here” needs to shut up… Bob Uecker might be telling him about that all important third inning ball two pitch. The heckler who has made it very clear that the pitcher is a bum is his sworn enemy.  The Radio Listener cares about the game and believes that he is more in tune with the game thanks to the little headphones that funnel in the sounds of the games that he is actually attending.

When I was your age television was called books

The Teacher
The father or grandfather there with his boy neatly dressed, the boy holding his oversized glove and a brand new home team hat purchased prior to the game; even demeanor; patience.  Everyone needs a good teacher. This fan is there explaining the game to the fan of tomorrow. The Teacher will put up with the silly questions and find pleasure in bonding with youth over a sporting event. Got to love this guy.

The Rally Starter
Loud… He owns every article of clothing from the team’s apparel catalogue. The man has socks with the team logo. He makes friends with those around him. He won a high-school championship and wants to show you his ring and discuss his 98 yard TD run to win the regional championship in 1986. You hate this guy. Your team is down by 6 runs with two outs a man on first and two strikes with your pitcher at the plate… hell no he is not giving up… he has already calculated that the clean-up batter represents the tying run. His team did not lose the other team just scored more runs. Could be confused for the Loyalist but don’t be fooled.

The Drunk
$9.25 for a beer? This does not fear him. He spent the past three hours getting tuned up in the parking lot. Pounding beers like a champ. He looks drunk, he belches, his clothes are stained, and he screams offensive stuff to women and when they fail to heed his Siren call he says, “They’re whores anyway.” Children are shielded from his behavior, ushers quake at that prospect of having to deal with this man. He is legend.

The Hot Chick
Heavily made up, high heels, club wear/mini-skirt; douche bag guy on her arm; girly drink that cost 17 dollars in hand; does not know if the ball is stuffed or blown up… wants to leave a 3-2 game for control of the division after they sing Take me out to the ball game. Nothing like betting on the color of her thong and trying to get a shot of it while she is sitting behind you or checking out her cleavage while she is in the row in front of you.  She makes attendance more fun.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Mini-Rant: Mike Lupica and the U.S. Open stink

I’m too important to run over there and sniff Brett Farve’s jock…
Brett bring his jock to my office for me to sniff in private.

I am jumping in with a Sunday post because frankly I need to let off some steam about one of my all time hates.  I just got done watching the first segment of ESPN’s The Sports Reporters.

I have never liked Mike Lupica.  I hate his column.  I hate his pontification about all things sports.  His attitude is evidence of his short man syndrome and  makes it he me want to punch him in the face.  If there was ever a sports columnist that was begging for Jerk Store admission it would be him.  Let me sum up his perspective regarding the first two and one half rounds of the U.S. Open:  This has been the hardest Open I can remember.  Who ever wins this Open will have played the hardest first 36 holes that I ever saw.  Ten under par does not equal a bad U.S. Open, you don’t need to have the winner at +7 for it to be great. 

I don’t even know where to start…

Lupica is genuflecting to the USGA for a couple reasons.  Bethpage Black is in his backyard.  He, as a New Yorker is not going to admit this that this year’s Open was just not as good as the last time the USGA visited the Long Island Muni… He can’t do it.  His NY FIGMAN personality just can’t.  And secondly as a serious golfer it probably does not help him get those early tee times by trashing the governing body.

But this year’s Open thus far has been a disaster.  The Thursday round was washed out except for about 3 hours worth of soggy play.  The course is so soft that the normal character of a U.S. Open course has been removed.  Players who play the Open should be walking off the course in tears.  Bloody, bruised and broken.  If I wanted to see players hit booming shots with the long irons on to soft greens that welcome seven foot birdies I would tune into the Nationwide Tour.  Players at an Open event should quake at the prospect of hitting a high flying eight iron onto a cement hard green.  Ball marks should not exist at the U.S. Open.  Spinning the ball back?  Not on these turtle backed greens.  Putting the ball into a water hazard… possible or likely.  Fist pumps are for par… not birdie.  Players should be brought to their knees.  They should have uncomfortable press conferences.  They should be considering giving up the game, contemplating retirement.  Golf is an unfair game and the U.S. Open is more than unfair… it’s punitive.

Now the USGA does not control the weather.  It is no more the USGA’s fault than it is Al Roker’s that the skies opened up and it has seen rain of Biblical proportions.  But for Lupica to try to salvage what is obviously a lousy Open is a joke.  Every other tour date has a Sunday winner going low… real low.  Birdies and Eagles sell tickets during the regular PGA season.  But the Open is the toughest test in golf.  And when it is right it provides drama like last year’s Rocco-Tiger epic.  The USGA can’t hit a hole-in-one every year.  But Lupica feels that if he blesses it as being a great tournament that it is… well he is wrong.  This year has been washed away and no amount of silver tongued rehab will bring it back.  Hey, it happens.  Golf is unfair… even to fans.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: AT&T

Why they are jerks:
If you own an iPhone then you know exactly where I am going with this.  Yesterday, Apple released the newest software upgrade for my most precious piece of techno love.  iPhone 3.0 was to be the software upgrade that would finally make Apple’s must have phone do all the stuff regular phones do.  Multimedia messages (MMS) have never been part of the iPhone’s many sweet features.  Yet 50 dollar POS phones that have screens the size of my thumb nail could send and receive video and pics since the beginning of this decade.  WTF Apple?  Then Apple announced 6 months ago that 3.0 was in development and that it would allow MMS… sweet.  Apple made the announcement last week listing more than a dozen new features including MMS would be here this week… except for AT&T customers that is.  Apple released the developer 3.0 software months ago but AT&T felt there was no need to rush something as simple as MMS.  Instead the 40,000,000 iPhone users have to wait until “later this summer” (read: fall) to use a basic function of ever single other cell phone on the planet Earth.  I hate AT&T with a passion.  They have crappy customer service, they have spotty service and a sluggish 3G network and if it were not for my undying love of my iPhone I would have jumped ship more than a year ago.  So thank you AT&T…I will be stuck listening to people say things like: “What do you mean your phone did not get the picture text I sent you?” and “Your phone can play The Dark Knight in HD but can’t get a picture message?  Why do you love it?”  This is killing me.  Canada has it… but we don’t?  How is this acceptable.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Whoever came up with Cheetos Lip Balm

Why they are jerks:
Because they came up with a Lip Balm that smells and tastes like Cheetos.  WTF?  What else is there to say?  I would rather use Cuban Tranny Sweat flavored chap stick than this crap.  How in this economy can a business justify creating this?  Does Frito Lay know about this?  How could they give the go ahead?  What are they getting paid to license such a crappy flavor? This is just wrong on so many levels. It kind of makes me angry.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Detroit Red Wing Fans

Why they are jerks:
These classless fans of Hockeytown USA should have the title removed.  I totally supported Gary Bettman getting booed as he come to center ice to hand off the Stanley Cup… that guy is an grade A jerk, but that is another post.  The fact that the Red Wings fans booed as the Cup was skated around Joe Louis Arena just shows why Detroit is a rotten pit.  When the Red Wings hoisted the Cup last year inside Mellon Arena, the Penguins faithful were kind enough to politely clap and respect the amazing feat of winning the Stanley Cup.  Couple the raining of boos with the bitching by Detroit players that Sidney failed to shake the hands of every player.  Forget about the fact that NBC grabbed Crosby immediately after the clock reached 0:00 or the fact that he was hugging his coaches and teammates.  That stuff is not important.  What was necessary at right that second was for him to skate over on his one leg and shake Zetterberg’s hand with no delay.  Last year the Penguins sat dejected on the ice waiting as the Red Wings jumped all over each other.  They stood on the ice after the hand shake and watched as the Cup was presented.  But the veteran Detroit team could not wait five damn minutes before getting to the losers locker room.  Classy.  To the fans that hung around and booed… get a life; if you don’t want to watch the presentation, just leave.  No one was chaining you to your seat… but I can understand not wanting to walk outside after that game. You will either be shot/mugged by a now jobless GM worker or have to look at that empty shell of a city.  Depressing all around.  Maybe the name Hockeytown USA should be moved to the 412 area code.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Superstars – DSB Edition

Much like when peanut butter found chocolate for the first time, a confluence of events can lead to something greater than the sum of their parts.  We here at DSB have stumbled onto the next great idea.  Just like 3M, we don’t make things…we make things better.

ABC has been promoting their recent edition of “The Superstars” and this time it pairs up an athlete with a so-called celebrity.  Back during “The Superstars” heyday in the ’70s and early ’80s they used active athletes (like O.J. Simpson and Joe Frazier).  However, today the owners have so much money invested in current athletes that in many cases they prohibit activities which may cause an injury.  Instead, we are left watching recent retirees Robert Horry and Jeff Kent on the latest edition.

The next incident that got me thinking was during the Whiffle Ball segment on the latest JoeSportsFan podcast, they conferred about casual activities or games to be covered on a national level (they discussed: whiffle ball, Battleship, Twister, shuffleboard, and slip-n-slide among others).  This led me to a simple solution – – or as Joey Tribianni would say “Put your hands together”.  Why not have current, active athletes square off against one another in common games?

We can make it a half-hour, mano y mano show that pits “rivals” against each other in a best of 7 format.  Wouldn’t you love to see the following matchups?  Peyton vs. Brady…Tiger vs. FIGJAM…Kobe vs. LeBron…Nadal vs Federer…Sid the Kid vs. Ovechkin…Pujols vs Howard…Rivera vs Papelbon.  How cool would that be?

DSB sat down to come up with some guidelines.  First, we need to eliminate anything that is dependent on athletic skill – – so gone is mini golf, croquet, and bocce.  Next, I’m sure the stars wouldn’t want to compete if there was a chance they would be intellectually humiliated – – so chess, mah jong, scrabble and backgammon are out.  I also think the strategy games like Monoply and Risk are way too time consuming, so those are gone too.

Here are the 7 events that I think would guarantee a sure ratings hit:

Rock-Paper-Scissors – they are even doing this to decide who plays centerfield in Boston these days

All-Star: Michael Irvin – knows the value of scissors in a confrontation

Granted his Release: Brett Favre – it will be one long show if we have to wait for him to make a decision and stick with it

Battleship

All-Star: Dikembe Mutombo – can you see him waving that finger at you to tell you D5 is wrong?

Granted his Release: Alex Rodriguez – in an attempt to cheat any way to win, watch him either stack his ships in the same holes or rotate his ship after a correct guess

Operation – I don’t even remember the rules…I just know it takes a steady hand.

All-Star: Derek Jeter – this guy isn’t fazed by a 90 mph slider in October or a jealous ex-girlfriend

Granted his Release: Ron Artest – not known for staying calm in pressure situations

Candy Land

All-Star: Lamar Odom – might be disappointed after he learns Gum Drop Mountain isn’t an actual place

Granted his Release: CC Sabathia – the pinstripes may be slimming, but CC doesn’t need anymore candy

 

Checkers

All-Star: LeBron James – can you imagine LeBron asking Kobe to “King him”?  Kobe might lunge across the board to go for his throat

Granted his Release: Phil Mickelson – remember that 2-inch vertical he displayed after winning the Masters? FIGJAM doesn’t have the jumping ability you need for checkers.

Hangman

All-Star: Coach K – when the 2009 Spelling Bee champion can’t spell Krzyzewski, Coach K has a leg up on everyone else

Granted his Release: Shaquille O’ Neal – honestly, I thought LSU was a legitimate school of accreditation until they gave him a diploma

Yahtzee

All-Star: Scott Boras – no one else gets the numbers in his favor the way he does

Granted his Release: Tony LaRussa – as the smartest person in the room, he would use his Chance first just to prove he could win without saving it

 

ABC could have a runaway hit on their hands…can’t you see Roger Federer successfully tweezering the Charley Horse to beat the capri-panted Rafael Nadal and then dropping to his knees in joy and exhaustion?  I know I can…

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: People that are still trying to figure out the switch to digital TV

Why they are jerks:
You live in the fucking Stone Age. Ok, you don’t have cable. I hate cable too, its too expensive, 93.7% of the channels suck, Comcast is evil…I get it. I shell out the money because I can’t live without it. It’s like heroin delivered via copper wire directly into my home and sent on a beam of light from that black box into my eyeballs. You don’t want a dish because they look gay hanging there off your front porch. Dish sucks too. I understand that. But the Feds decided 8 years ago in 2001 that analog would be replaced with a new stronger and denser high definition signal for TV over the airways. These Johnny-come-lately assholes were even given a credit (40 bucks!) from the government to upgrade to a new set of rabbit ears but failed to address the change in signal to the point where adoption became a problem and the FCC was forced to push the transition date from February (the day following the Super Bowl actually) to next week, June 12. The government was actually giving people money so that they could continue to watch their TVs after the transition. Yet people wonder why we have a multi-trillion dollar deficit. We are giving people 40 dollars to go buy a new set of rabbit ears and they failed to adopt in sufficient numbers so we had to push back a transition date set 8 years earlier. Does this not drive you crazy? Network TV stations have been running multiple ads during local news broadcasts for nearly two years, over the past six months there have been multiple news pieces about the transition and on cable TV stations the FCC has bought airtime to explain the process. But I am sure next week the local TV news will feature a slew of people being interviewed in muumuus through their screen doors bitching about the loss of a TV signal and how no one told them. We should exile these people from this country. It’s the only way to save the nation and maybe our species… we can’t allow these people to remain a drain on our society. Join with me in this fight.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Brett Favre

Why he is a jerk:
A quick search of Google’s news site shows that between June 7^th and June 8^th there were over 250 separate news articles posted regarding Brett’s return to football via the Minnesota Vikings. Why the up tick now? Favre had surgery on his throwing arm in May and has possibly on the sly provided information on this surgery to the Vikes. Brett has been swirling the bowl of the Jerk Store for so long that he practically owns the place. Let’s recap just the current offseason because I don’t want this to be a Simmons-esque 50,000+ words… First he had his agent call the Jets multiple times before the NFL Draft, informing them that if the Jets intended to draft a quarterback that Mr. Favre would appreciate his release. When it became certain that the Jets were targeting a QB, Brett took time out of his busy day of working the land to contact the Jets himself and seek his release. If I were the Jets I would have informed him that we had no intention of releasing him and that if he wished to play football he would be more than welcome to strap on his pads and play for the J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS! But the Jets management are a bunch of girls and gave Brett what he wanted. Next ESPN inserted Rachel Nichols up Brett’s ass for a couple days during the first week of May after rumors started circulating that Brett was going to meet with Vikings management. But being the diligent and effective media whore he is Brett killed the story after the Manny Ramirez 50 game PED suspension sucked all the oxygen out of the sports universe. He is not going to share the spotlight with a story like that. So we take a couple weeks off and now the beginning of June has arrived and after the NBA and NHL playoffs are decided we will see Brett Favre do what Brett Favre does best. Make everyone talk about Brett Favre. Congratulations Vikings fans you have the unholy trinity of Rosenfels, Jackson and Favre going into training camp. You have got to love what Childress has done with this team. He has assembled the most INT prone set of quarterbacks the world will ever know.

But back to Favre, this media whore will do anything to stay in the spotlight. He will say anything and he will do anything to make sure that not one God-damn minute of any NFL season or off-season can occur without the mentioning of his name. Enjoy being vilified in Green Bay. I hope it’s worth it, you big jerk.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Mets’ outfielder Carlos Beltran

Why he is a jerk:
Last week after getting beat by your 2009 Pittsburgh Pirates in three straight games to complete the sweep, Beltran stated that he was embarrassed by his team’s performance.  It was kind of a ridiculous statement. The Pirates are not a great baseball team by any stretch of the imagination but this is still Major League Baseball and any team can sweep any other team over three straight games.  Also the last time I checked, the New York Mets were still the New York Mets and should not be embarrassed to lose to anyone.  After Beltran’s statement was shared with members of the Pirates the response was predictable.  Unfortunately, the Mets will be coming to Pittsburgh for just one more game this season.  Because I would love to see Snell put a 96+ mph heater in Carlos’ ear hole.  That’s what this jerk deserves.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Cars That Killed GM

Now that GM stock is worth more as a collectible or a gag gift and Michael Moore is dancing on the ashes of his mortal enemy it is time to look at what killed the General.  (In case you missed it we reviewed the same for Chrysler a couple weeks back)

10. The Chevy SSR:  This Hot Not Rod is a classic example of GM building cars no one asked for.  It’s a truck, but it can’t carry anything.  It’s a Sunday cruiser that sucks premium gas big time.  It’s a hard top convertible, that when down it can’t carry a duffel bag in the truck bed.  This thing does not make any sense.  It did not make sense to the American car buyer and therefore they did not buy it.

8. The Saturn L-Series:  Really this car is just a stand in for the entire Saturn brand.  Saturn was developed to take on or kill the foreign automakers (Honda and Toyota).  The S-Series cars that first came out with the Saturn debut were reliable, innovative and built a loyal following.  The L-Series ruined much of that as it was an Opel brought stateside in 2000 and rebranded with a planet badge.  Ultimately Saturn did kill off a foreign brand…Geo, which was owned by GM.  Nice job.

7. Hummer H2:  This SUV was a hit and made the General gobs of money during its first couple of years.  Hey, gas was cheap and 65K for a suburban war vehicle made sense.  Also Adjustable Rate Mortgages and investment in Lehman Bros. was a good idea.  Now getting 10 MPG highway is just stupid expensive for a vehicle that only belongs in rap videos.

5. The Saab 9-2x:  This was GM’s attempt to stretch both it’s investment in Saab (a financial loser since GM bought it) and Subaru (GM owns 20% of Subaru).  So GM took a WRX wagon and rebadged it as a Saab and charged more since Saab was a “premium” European brand.  Notice the trend in this rebadging thing?  Like the Subaru it was a fast, fun car with great reviews (I personally test drove one and liked it) but it was just an expensive Subaru and showed that GM had no real plan for Saab. Instead of being “Born From Jets” this car was born in the bean counters office.

4. GMC Envoy XUV:  What exactly is this car?  GM had to spend millions developing what they called a “midgate” that allowed for a crappy SUV to become a really crappy truck.  Plus it had a strange and ugly retractable roof that basically make this platypus on wheels a total loss.  Some how this vehicle lasted for two years on dealer lots.  I can’t imaging trying to sell this mess.  This is the crap GM developed rather than cool and desirable cars.

3. Chevy EV-1:  This pocket protector for a car is only half GM’s fault.  The California Air Resourced Board mandated in the late 90’s that 2% of all cars sold in the Golden State be zero emissions vehicles.  It is impossible in 2009; it was really impossible then.  But GM actually tried and leased these purpose built but limited range all electric vehicles losing millions of dollars.  When California waived this supremely stupid mandate. GM called in the leases.  Environmental nutjobs went ballistic and blamed GM for killing the electric car.  It was an image debacle and it should not have been.  Only GM tried and only GM to this point has actually built and sold a real all electric car.  They should have gotten some credit on this one.

2. Pontiac Aztec:  The concept was novel at the time.  A vehicle that had car like handling and fuel economy with the utility, space and look of a SUV.  It was called a crossover and suburban soccer moms and Max Power made these the official vehicle of the cul–de-sac.  The Aztec was one of the first crossovers to hit dealer lots.  The only problem… it is quite possibly the ugliest car to ever take the road.  Just look at it.  It’s more like a joke than a multi-thousand dollar investment in transportation.  This trash heap never had a chance.  Look at it!  Who bought this thing? It failed based purely on looks.  Whoever designed and gave the go ahead for production of this car should be subjected to prison rape.

1. Chevy Aveo/Pontiac G3 Wave:  This is the small car you are going to sell?  This?  I rode in a Chevy Aveo.  It was small… really small on the inside.  I don’t know why it was so small inside because I am pretty sure Chevy forgot to build it with an engine because it traveled at the speed of a three toed sloth nearing death.  Actually, I take that back I am pretty sure the engine was the internals of a dust buster.  GM was losing money on this car so they rebadged (there’s that word again) it as a Pontiac G3 Wave… We got one car no one wants lets give it to other brands and poison them too.  Brilliant.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat