Jerk Store: Desmond Hatchett

Why he is a Jerk:
you probably don’t know Desmond Hatchett, a 29 year old man from Tennessee and most likely neither will most of his twenty-one children… that’s right he has 21 kids. Mr. Hatchett has fathered twenty-one kids to eleven different women. You thought Travis Henry had a lot of kids, he’s got nothing on this guy. By the way he says he is “done having children”… glad to hear he has had enough. While appearing before a judge regarding child support he was asked why he has so many children he responded: “I don’t know it just happened.” What he probably wanted to say was: “Do I wear condoms? Fuck no! Condom’s take away all the feeling. Never wear condoms. And those bitches I mean, mothers of my children, they was beggin’ for me to give it to’em… I’m only a man… they want the Desmond… they get the Desmond. Who am I to say no Judge?” Mr. Hatchett is currently working a minimum wage job. State law only allows for half of his paycheck to be garnished for child support. Divided 21 different ways and some mothers are getting less then two dollars a month. Needless to say this man jerk needs a vasectomy. Welcome to the Jerk Store Desmond Hatchett… No, you may not use the phone to call Maury Povich.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: The New York Times

Why they are jerks:
This weekend the New York Times claimed that they knew about Watergate first. This is akin to England saying they found the New World before Columbus but did not tell anyone until after World War II. One of the biggest stories in the history of Journalism was broke by The Washington Post through the reporting of Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward. Columbus found the New World not someone else. This is basic stuff.

The New York Times which is finding it difficult to remain relevant in the 21^st century is talking about the glory days of newspapers and trying to show they were part of one of the biggest news stories of all time. It comes down to this. IF (and that is a big if) they knew about the Watergate break-in, the illegal tax audits and wiretapping then why the hell did they not print it first? You can’t come along 35 years later and pretend like you were part of the history. You just can’t. It doesn’t work that way. But at least we will not have to be with this Jerk for too much longer. They have a dwindling readership and no wonder. Have you picked up a New York Times recently? The Sunday edition cost five bucks. Five dollars for news paper… so they are both ethically and economically bankrupt.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Jon and Kate Plus Ei8ht

Why they are Jerks:
The eight kids are ok. I can’t really hate on them. But Jon and Kate have taken over the Bearcat house. Mrs. Bearcat was consumed this weekend by TLC’s Memorial Day Marathon of all 96 one hour episodes of this screaming kids, poopy diaper reality TV garbage. (I hate the word, poopy… it’s the gay cousin of shit and crap) Jon and Kate are on the cover of every single trash-azine, from People and Us Weekly to OK and Star. Why are these pillars of progeny proliferation appearing on every trashy publication? Because they may be “growing apart.” Jon was seen (are you sitting down) leaving a party with a woman and rumors have been swirling that Kate likes to bump uglies (and after 8 kids it would be pretty ugly) with her bodyguard. If you ask me the real story should be how effectively Jon and Kate have manipulated their second rate reality TV show into two books, five seasons on basic cable, their own production company (Figure 8 productions) and now a strangle hold on the grocery checkout line magazine racks. How in the world do central PA nobodies bounce Lindsay, Aniston, the Cruises and Brad Pitt off the covers? By creating a story line where their perfect lives appear to be crumbling. I don’t think Jon has cheated and I seriously doubt Kate is going to let a body guard tryst keep her from continuing to cash checks worth 50K an episode. The whole story is a fabrication. How do you keep the drama going for a fifth season following a family where the star attraction (those cute little crap factories) are growing up and might lead to fatigue in the number of viewers… family strife!!! This whole thing is a con… and that makes Jon and Kate + made up infidelity = Jerk Store enrollment.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Get Mike and Mike off my radio…

There has probably never been a more successful sports radio show than ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. They are on every single ESPN Radio channel in the country from 6 to 10 and they rule the morning drive time sports scene. But do they deserve to be number 1? Are they the biggest sports radio show because they are the best? Frankly I am getting a little tired of these two. There are parts of the show that are nearly a must listen. Their NFL preview “Two-A-Days” leading up to the opening of the season is a great segment during those hot August commutes. “Monday Morning Quarterback” breakdowns of the prior days NFL games are essential to the coming day’s water cooler conversations. They do get the best sports reporters to come on the show and break down the prior days games and to give an inside perspective on what is going down around the various leagues. But the “Stone Cold Lead Pipe” truth is that this show is more programmed and scripted than Microsoft directing The Hills… there is zero flow. Colin Cowherd (who I can’t F’ing stand) lacks the ability to be scripted at all and will beat a dead horse into a fine pink mist but the Mikes could not go off script if a nuke was dropped in the next county. Radio is not TV. Radio is a warm media that when done right can feel like a conversation between the listener and the host. The fact that the Mikes are on an ESPN2 simulcast does not factor into this cold media scripting. But that is only half of the problem…

The other half is the personalities doing the show… Mike Greenburg is a good radio guy but sounds like he is always trying too hard to fit into the Odd Couple mold that ESPN sells as Mike and Mike. (What makes them different makes them great!) Greeny is just not as nerdy as he is portrayed and his man-crushes are getting really tired. On the other hand Golic is nearly impossible to listen to. Golic is talking about his Notre Dame days… hurry change the channel! NPR during a pledge campaign… sweet salvation! Golic can’t seem to ever stop reminding us of his playing days. This guy has more flashback than Timothy Leary. What is most painful is how he will talk about his ND and NFL days when they have no freaking connection to the current discussion. The two Mikes could be interviewing some PBA pro after bowling a perfect game and Golic will have to let the audience know that he has three career interceptions as a defensive tackle. WTF? Interview with a baseball legend… Golic would like to remind everyone that he was a two sport man at Notre Dame. Football and wrestling! I am not your standard meathead; I got two letters on my jacket. NBA draft lottery coverage… Golic lets everyone know what it is like to sit by the phone waiting for a team to call you on Draft day…he has experience he was drafted in the 10^th round. Like no one in the audience has ever had to wait for an important phone call…congratulations I am changing the channel.

Finally instead of a “Bracket of Integrity” can we please get an Interview of Integrity? The puff piece that was the Roger “Anti-Christ” Clemens interview recently was an embarrassingly bad half hour of radio. No tough questions, zero actually work on the part of either Mike and it was nothing other a platform for Clemens to provide his spin on his legacy and baseball’s steroid problems. When asked about the American Icon book he stated “I’ve seen excerpts of the book, they’re completely false.” And when asked about McNamee’s DNA/HGH his response: “That’s impossible because I never used steroids or HGH.”  Where is the follow up questions?  How about a little research prior to the interview? How about actually having him address some of the very specific stories/allegations from the book?  Does that sound like a good idea?  Instead, they let him use the microphone to talk about all his charity work and did little to press him about his congressional hearing testimony or the fact that he is basically one of he most hated men in sports.  How about just once a reporter really nail this guy and not worry about whether or not they are burning a bridge for future interviews or stories?

But I digress…why is this the biggest sports radio show in the county? They are on ESPN’s huge network of radio stations, XM, Sirius, and have the “Best of Mike and Mike” during the doldrums of ESPN’s mid-day line up. Are they number one because they are the best or are they just number one because ESPN has whored this show out in every conceivable way?

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

A special message from DSB to all you college grads

DSB favorite and regular contributor to Deadspin as well as KSK editor Drew Magary (you should buy his book it will change your life, plus it is pretty cheap) wrote a fantastic special Balls Deep message this week for Deadspin.  It is a very funny run down of all the ways finishing college and actually confronting adulthood sucks…and he is dead right, adulthood sucks.  But there are certain small parts of growing up that will help you, the college graduate, maintain the will to live.  They are all related to your ability to now generate money… if you do happen to get one of the three jobs currently being filling in this country upon your discharge from college into the worst economy since before cable then congratulations.  You now have cash.  Getting a regular paycheck now makes you able to visit the bar even when it is not quarter beer night. Also chicks dig money… this will improve your sex life.  It will also do a couple other things for you.

You don’t have to drink shitty beer anymore… During your first five years of college drinking shot-gunning Beast Ice was not a problem.  That high gravity mule urine was an alcohol delivery device that met your needs.  Cheap, plentiful and effective at getting you face meltingly wasted.  But after being exposed to 400 level classes it generally dawns on the male mind that beer can actually taste good.  Now that you are a college grad you can quit drinking beer that tastes like the taint of a Mexican tranny and upgrade to micros and craft brews.  Your body will thank you.

You can quit driving that 1992 Plymouth Breeze… You are getting a paycheck you can drop off your college beater at the junk yard and get a car will less than seven figures on the odometer.  Couple of pointers.  Every yuppie buys a Jetta.  Trust me I know…. I was one of those dumb asses.  It is not a poor man’s BMW.  Don’t buy new.  Buy a car off lease let some other new car smell addict pay for the depreciation.  Buy a 5 speed.  Once you have kids you will be stuck with slush box automatics for the rest of your life.  Get your sporty car now.  You will thank me later.

Gambling… With your new found wealth what better than to frustrate the fuck out of yourself and invite alcoholism than to start gambling away your hard earned money.  The Bills are getting 3 points at home against the Dolphins in mid December you say?  Put me down for a C-note. Fuck it. Let’s parlay the under as well… HOW CAN I LOSE!  You will inevitably later in life say “I wish I had all the money I lost gambling back.”  Till then enjoy the ride.

Other than that being a grown up sucks… get a hard hat.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Romancing the ’70s

We’ve all been there…it’s 1am and you’re mindlessly playing Russian roulette with the television remote and you come across an infomercial.   Maybe you stick on it for a little longer than usual because it’s something you haven’t seen before or maybe you can’t believe someone actually financed the ad for this crap. Odds are good it will either be hosted by Billy Mays or the hooker-beating, German-loving Vince Shlomi.

However when it comes to infomercials, I have one small rule…when I flip across one hosted by Tony Orlando promising me the best love songs of the Seventies; I have to watch the whole half-hour episode. That’s right – – 30 solid minutes of the “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” singer pimping the Time-Life CD collection, “Romancing the ‘70s”. The 9 CD set is littered with multiple selections from Bread, Helen Reddy, BJ Thomas, and Olivia Newton-John among others.

Are you feeling in the mood for a little “Muskrat Love” or “Afternoon Delight”? Have I got the CDs for you…How about a little advice from the Bee Gees on “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart” or David Soul on “Don’t Give Up on Us”? Check and check.  Sure, personally I think it’s a craptastic example of most of the music that came out in the ’70s – – but it’s a staggering reminder of that decade’s suckitude.

I’m sure I’m not in the target demographic, but I can definitely see how a 55 year old divorcee can take a stroll down memory lane with this show. Can’t you picture her watching late at night, polishing off that bottle of white zinfandel and remembering her high school sweetheart before he got fat, bald, and cheated on her with his secretary?

The entire set features a massive 138 romantic “classics” and if you order now – you also get a bonus CD of 18 of the greatest love songs ever. That’s right…a grand total of 156 love songs all in one box set waiting for you to pick up that phone. How much would you be willing to pay for that? $30? $50? How about a whopping $149.95?!?!?! (Note: that can be paid in 5 easy installments of $29.99).

Have the executives over at Time-Life lost their mind? Have they never heard of iTunes? Are they aware that you can download individual songs for only 99 cents (and I’m not even broaching the numerous websites where you can find free downloads)? If you individually bought all 156 songs, it would cost $154.44. So instead of going through that hassle, I can call the special toll-free number and get a grand savings of $4.49 for ordering this set. Let’s be honest, there is no one in the free world who wants all 156 songs though. So, I’m pretty sure anyone could pare down the song list and remove numerous songs (goodbye Eric Carmen and have fun being “All by Myself”) which would ultimately lower the price below Time-Life’s money grab.

But maybe I’m wrong, because if you go to the website to order it online…you’ll discover that “Romancing the ‘70s” is BACKORDERED!!!!! I can’t figure out if the only complete set that was ever made is the one that is shown on the infomercial or if consumers late at night are drunk-dialing the Time-Life operators. So for those of you who are interested, you are just going to have to keep humming “Summer Breeze” to yourself for a while longer.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: Saudi Arabian men

Why they are jerks:
A Saudi court today granted a divorce for an 8 year old girl who had married a 50 year old man. That is not a typo.  She is eight (8) and he is fifty (50).  She was sold into legal pedophile prostitution marriage by her owner father for the kingly sum of about 15,000 dollars.  I have to assume that several goats were also involved in the trade.  In case you were wondering, before this judge granted the divorce two other judges denied it.  Two.  WTF is going on in that sand pit?  Are they drinking the oil?  The Judge in his decision stated that eight was too young but determined that ten (yeah, 10) would have been a reasonable age for marriage. I agree with him… What single digit aged girl has not dreamt about having some sweaty oil barron five times her age bed her on her wedding night someday…and by someday I mean this weekend.  Needless to say all the parties involved in this are HOF Jerks… actually I take that back they are worse.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: People that call Swine Flu by its scientific name (H1N1)

Why they are jerks:
Two groups who obviously are way too fucking sensitive, the Mexican government and Pig Farmers pleaded with the media and the Federal government to instead of using the term Swine Flu to use the term H1N1 (which really rolls of the tongue) when referring to the latest epidemic of media hype.  Why the change?  Pig Farmers were concerned that potential pork purchasers would pick and prepare poultry for the dinner table.  Mexico seems to feel they would be associated with swine and only create more negative press for a county that seems to fall further and further into control of drug lords by the week.  Let me make it clear.  The name for this sickness (it is not an epidemic or a pandemic and most likely never will be) is SWINE FLU.  CDC wonks and people in lab coats can call it H1N1… for the general public this is swine flu.  People that call it H1N1 are jerks…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Denise Richards

Why she is a jerk:
This 38 year old reestablished her jerkitude this past week by appearing at Wrigley Field to utterly destroy the traditional seventh inning singing of  “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”. (see video below) But this woman has been loitering around the Jerk Store for years now.  We here at DSB are thankful for her appearance in Wild Things.  It was hot.  But the only talents she ever had were the two on her chest.  Fantastic rack.  Fantastically terrible actress.  Unless her clothes were coming off she was intolerable on the screen. But needless to say this woman during the late 90’s was a top ten on every red blooded American males hottest list.  But after she got ridden hard and put away wet by Charlie Sheen she is just looking haggardly.   This woman after getting tossed aside by lifelong playboy Sheen, Richards claimed that his erratic behavior, addiction to prostitutes, porn and booze ruined their marriage.  No Shit!  Charlie Sheen likes to party?  He failed to settle down and become a family man.  I’m stunned.  Somehow Richards was able to spin her “tragic” divorce from Hollywood’s most famous playboy into a E! reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. This show was terrible by both reality TV and E! standards; an impressive combo.  So with this former hottie’s looks fading faster than the Pittsburgh Pirates in May why exactly is she singing (if you can call it that) in Wrigley.  How much do you think her publicist paid the Cubbies to get her in the booth?  $5,000…$10,000?

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Cars That Are Killing Chrysler

Yesterday Chrysler announced they were entering bankruptcy.  Chrysler’s problem put simply was they built cars no one wanted.  Here are the not quite top ten top ten cars that killing America’s third string car builder
.
10.  Chrysler Sebring: It would be charity to say the Sebring is the laughing stock of the critically important mid-size car segment.  This car is a freaking joke.  It has boring styling an interior that might be less comfortable than an iron maiden.  This car just sucks.

9.    Dodge Caliber: This goofy looking car never caught on. It was a replacement for the popular Chrysler then Dodge Neon and kind meant that Chrysler was giving up on the small car segment.  (if you are keeping track, and you should be, we have named two important car segments and Chrysler has been blown of the water in one and gave up on the other…get the picture?)

8.    Jeep Liberty: This was a huge mistake.  Jeep took the popular Jeep Cherokee and axed it for no reason and replaced that functional and well loved model and with a vehicle that looks half assed even in press photos. (Who wants more plastic?)

6.    Jeep Commander: The classic answer to the question no one asked.  In this case Jeep known for off roading and minimalist Jeep Wranglers decided that they wanted to compete in the luxury XXL SUV segment. Needless to say no one paid attention… Look at it this way.  Do you want a Jeep Commander or a Mercedes Benz SUV?

4.    Jeep Compass: This turd on wheels is a rebranded Dodge Caliber. It’s a Jeep in name only because as you can see the only off roading this thing is doing will be in photo shoots.  As you can see Chrysler just whored the Jeep name out and threw it on POS car designs figuring the Jeep name would sell anything.

3.    Chrysler Aspen: How many of these did Chrysler sell? Three? If I were to see one I would act like a just saw a Ferrari F450… no one bought this white elephant.  It would be like seeing a dinosaur…maybe even less likely than that. Would you rather buy a Chrysler SUV or a Caddy Escalade? I think it’s pretty obvious answer.

2.    Dodge Durango Hemi Hybrid: This car says: “I want a absolutely massive SUV with an engine that has enough torque to alter the Earth’s rotation but I also want to have the appearance that I am saving the planet… and I am willing to part with thousands of dollars just so I can get 1 more MPG from my baby semi-truck.”

1.    The PT Cruiser: This homo-wagon makes the driver exactly 86% more gay while they are behind the wheel of it.  Not a recipe for success.  It was a nice niche for about 10 minutes but the fact that Chrysler is still stocking this crap shows you they are completely out of ideas.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat