In “I Have Daddy Issues” News
In an interview with the U.K. Sun tabloid, Lindsey Lohan stated that on-again-off-again lover Samantha Ronson is the only woman for her and that she still loves her. Lohan went on to state that if the two do not reunite that she would return to dating men. Lohan then went on to say that she was surprised by her love of women stating, “I never really thought about women before, it kind of just happened with Samantha. It surprised me.” Less surprising is Lohan’s love for Grey Goose Vodka, cocaine, tweeting incessantly, heroine and passing out on the sidewalk outside trendy LA clubs.
I Will Be 85 And Still Playing This Role
While appearing at the red carpet premiere for Cop Out, Bruce Willis told the crowd of reporters that he could foresee a fifth Die Hard movie shooting in 2011. DSB’s crack investigative team of chain-smoking capuchin monkeys has uncovered a rough outline of the next Die Hard movie: this time Detective John McClane will be fighting Alzheimer’s Disease (Yippie Ki-Yay Medicare Entitlement!). I, of course, will be there opening night with cash in hand.
News That Teaches Us That God Hates Your Penis
I replaced Boner with this Dick…
Andrew Koenig, best known for playing the role of Richard “Boner” Stabone on the hit series Growing Pains from 1985 until 1992, has been missing for over a week and is believed to be in the Vancouver area and does not want to be found. Koenig’s parents have had growing concerns over his despondent nature and communications leading up to his disappearance. DSB theorizes that Koenig’s recent disappearance is due to the fact that his only acting opportunity in the past several years has been from former co-star Kirk Cameron’s goofy evangelist movie studio. Apparently, Cameron wanted Koenig to revitalize his former Growing Pains role in a made for TV movie: Your Boner Makes God Cry.
In Shirtless News Not Involving Vince Young
Katy Perry was not at a loss for words when describing her relationship with Russell Brand: She struggles to keep up with him in the bedroom saying “Can you imagine the kind of responsibility I have with his reputation? I’m bedridden most of the week.” And then in response to questions about his looks: “His look is Jim Morrison meets Charles Manson meets Jesus meets a little bit of Elvis Presley,” she said. “He’s a walking genius. Just standing next to him makes me smarter.” DSB would agree with Ms. Perry in regards to the breakdown of Brand’s looks if any of those people had looked like they put human excrement in their hair on a regular basis.
Free Mumia These Satanic Murder Guys
I am dark and brooding. I see acting as a intellectual odyssey even when I playing a semi-gay Pirate based on a Disney World ride.
Johnny Depp is putting an interesting twist on promoting his newest movie Alice in Wonderland. He will be appearing on this Sunday’s CBS investigative show 48 Hours to call for a reopening of a 1994 trial that convicted three men of murdering an 8 year old as part of a satanic ritual (I wish I made stuff like this up). Depp will appear on 48 Hours in support of the three convicted murders along with Eddie Vedder, Metallica, Winona Ryder and the Dixie Chicks. DSB reached out to the attornies for the three convicts and requested a statement. The attorney responded that they were glad to hear that CBS News was investigating but were concerned that having Depp, Metallica and the Dixie Chicks on their side may speed up the execution process.
Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat
John Mayer opened up on his love life and past romances in the upcoming March issue of Playboy. While comparing former flame Jessica Simpson to a drug he said, “Sexually it was crazy…It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’” I have nothing else to add that could ever top that quote.
Rapper Lil Wayne’s jail sentence for gun possession was postponed due to scheduled dental work that his dentist had been unable to perform because he was out of the country. Seriously. When reached for comment by DSB, Lil Wayne said he was contemplating a number of other surgeries to delay his incarceration. He is looking into ACL replacement surgery, a quadruple heart bypass, and a sex change to become Lil Jane. He estimates these procedures and recoveries could take anywhere from two to four years to complete.
The Philippines have banned karaoke versions of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” after it was revealed that at least six people were killed in the last decade while performing the song. Apparently most of the killings took place when the discriminating crowds didn’t approve of the performances. DSB predicts shooting sprees in these same karaoke bars after they replace Sinatra with Lady GaGa’s current hits.
Jamie Lynn Spears split from her supposed “boyfriend” Casey Aldridge and moved out of the house they shared together. Rumors have long existed that the then 16-year old Spears had a sexual relationship with a producer on her Nickelodeon show, Zoey 101, which resulted in her getting unexpectedly pregnant. Spears has wasted no time in grieving as she has already moved on and into a relationship with a 28-year old Louisiana businessman. Spears’ publicist let DSB know that Jamie Lynn is “just taking some time to sort things out and following her sister’s wise advice.”
Daddy's Sugar Ball 