Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn: Yer 2011 Buccos Preview N’at

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn is back to preview this season’s Buccos. Take it away, Sal.

For 99% of the country hope springs eat-ernal come April and the start of baseball season. For members of the Yinzer Steeler Nation the start of baseball means we will get de-stracted from the long dark football winter by watching a bunch of jagoffs get shelled for a couple months.

/parks his still winter salt encrusted Bonneville in a handicap space

Buccos season means I have something to watch until August when the real blue colla he-rows show up at Saint Vincent College in Lay-trobe PEE-A. I have folded up my holy relic The Tear-bull Tahl and placed it gently in its off season home. (An old Iron City box that once held 70’s championship commemorative cans of Iron City)

/waiting outside for the beer distributor to open at 8:00

With the start of Buccos season yinz should be prepared to expect much fluidity and failure. The Buccos will Shirley spend some portion of the season winning games and drawing you in like a moth to the flamer. But it is a trap. They only live to break the heart of Yinzers time and time again.

/picks up a case of Old German, rips open case and pulls out a beer to chug on the way to the cashier

The Buccos are too cheap to compete. It just come dahn to the fact that they will not spend money on a quality product.

/pays for the $11.50 case with mostly change

Without a quality ownership group the Pirates are doomed to wallow in the muck and do nothin’ but disappoint a city that is accustomered to winning championships.

/puts the case in the back seat but keeps two fresh cans out in the front

With the upcoming season there are some highlights to which I will be holding deer. The Buccos have a couple players that begin to show that they can be scrappy and will make for a brighter two-mah-rah. Neal Walker, da burgh’s favorite son, is clearly the Maz reincarnated and sent by the Beautified soon-ta-be Holy Saint Bob Prince to save this once proud baseball Frenchfries.

/does not know that Bill Mazeroski is not only still alive but was at Spring Training

Walker will be hitting .360 this season and will clearly be a golden gloves man for years to come. Cutch is like watching the god Mercury or my old Mercury Cougar run the bases. The man can stretch singles inta homeruns. His athlete-is-ism makes me wish we could turn him into a Yinzer version of Prime Time and have him interceptin’ balls for the Steelers legendary Hall of Famer and Holy Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick La-Bow.

/parallel parks his car more by feel than with the mirrors

So yinz may be wonderin’ after all that doom and gloom how the Buccos are gonna finish this year. Well I see this team as like a Ponty-ack Trans-AM. Yinz know how that classic piece of American Arn da Trans-AM is real quick off the line but if there is any rain or anything slippy aht that the back end gets all squirrely n’at. Well this team has the power to get going but is too lose aht back to get anywhere. It’s just too slippy aht there for the Buccos.

So the Buccos will finish second in the division with an 80-82 season… and I ain’t jagging yinz.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The DSB Draft & Roundtable Analysis: Teams worse to root for than the Pirates

Earlier this week, Bearcat was working on his annual Pirates preview when he tried to convince us that having the team back in his life was more than just a rite of spring, but that rooting for the Pirates is more “fun” than rooting for some other teams. He suggested that the editors conduct a KSK-style draft with roundtable analysis of either MLB teams we would rather root for or ones that are less fun to follow than the Pirates.

So after much discussion, we decided on a snake draft of teams that are worse to root for than the Pirates.

ZJ
1. Minnesota Twins – I’d rather root for a small market team like the Twins, who say they will increase payroll when they build a new stadium … and they actually do!

 

Bearcat
2. St. Louis Cardinals – A team built completely out of and run through beer. As a raging alcoholic I want my team to be propped up by beer dollars and then turn the other way as members of the organizations commit wanton acts of public drunkenness and driving while intoxicated.

Max
So this is teams I would rather root for…not ones that are worse than the Pirates?

 

 

Bearcat
I thought we were doing teams that are worse than the Pirates, but ZJ wanted to root for the Twins… so I don’t know anymore.

 

ZJ
Now I confused! I thought it was teams I’d rather root for. Me fail English? That’s unpossible!

 

 

Bearcat
Reboot…Teams that are worse than the Pirates. ZJ, you are on the clock…

 

 

ZJ
1. (This Space Intentionally Left Blank)

 

 

Bearcat
2. New York Mets – New York’s redheaded step child has professionalized the late season meltdown. Couple this with the possibility that the team might get cut up and sold off to pay Ponzi scheme debts and I would rather be a Bucco fan than a Mets fan. Also growing up, the Mets and Pirates shared a division and I can still remember Muck the Fets being appropriate school attire during the 80’s.

Max
3. Oakland A’s – The worst major league stadium for watching and playing baseball. Any day now they’ll decide to move to San Jose which is a full hour (without traffic) away, so why should anyone invest fandom in this team? Thanks to Michael Lewis, all of the statheads point to the Moneyball era of this organization as the paragon of how to run a team…yet, they have ZERO World Series appearances to show for it. The team home grows their own studs but the ownership is so cheap they can’t keep one single player. The one championship in the last 35 years is marred by an earthquake…the following year, they got swept by the Chris Sabo-led Reds…and baseball’s steroids era began in a vial in their clubhouse.

Max
4. Florida Marlins – One positive aspect of regularly averaging under 10,000 in attendance is that there’s no need to fight traffic, but who wants to sit under the Miami sun in 110 degree temperatures in the dog days of July and August? But no worries, because Florida tax dollars are responsible for a new stadium that the team’s owner is more concerned with a giant fish tank behind the batter than getting an actual Major League batter. And that brings me to who I should have started this rant with in the first place…Jeff Loria – the worst and most despicable owner in MLB. And hey if they ever do win anything…don’t worry he’ll dismantle that faster than you can buy a commemorative t-shirt.

Bearcat
5. Cleveland Indians – Remember the last time the Indians made the playoffs? It looked like Alfred Hitchcock was filming a movie. Guys were getting eaten alive by swarms of swamp bugs. Watching trainers run out to the pitcher’s mound to douse the infield in useless military grade DEET was great in HD on my couch, less so after thinking about paying for the privilege. Jacobs Field is new enough (built in 1994) to mean that you will not see another new stadium in Cleveland for decades but old enough to make you wish that you had waited another 10 years before you built it. Also they regularly have April dates snowed out due to lake effect snow. And it’s in fucking Cleveland. Bonus upside: Watching the river burn might be cool.

ZJ
6. Carolina Panthers – Poor drafting year after year, fan apathy, Jake Delhomme’s Amazing-Ability-to-Turn-Pick-Sixes-Into-A-Large-Contract, uniforms that make my retinas burn … oh wait – are we only doing baseball teams?

6. Baltimore Orioles – Congratulations, Stab City! Your franchise is known throughout the league as The Place Where Washed-Up Ballplayers Go To Die. Your owner has single-handedly murdered one of the most loyal fan bases in professional sports and turned a money-printing factory known as Camden Yards into a barren waste of resources. Pumping vast amounts of free agent dollars at aging juicers on the downcycle of their careers has crippled a once-rich farm system and produced no finishes better than 3rd in 13 years, with little hope on the horizon. You are the sole reason that the word ‘realignment’ is still used today.

ZJ
7. San Diego Padres – Not only is it impossible to get excited about the lamest mascot in all the sporting world, but your stadium–located in one of the most beautiful cities in the world–prohibits any non-pitcher to even consider you during the free agency process. As does the yellow pajama uniforms.

Bearcat
8. Chicago Cubs – (Checking the rundown… yep inexplicably the Cubs are still available) This team is a steal in the 8 hole. A century of futility. Over the past two decades the Pirates have made losing a tradition, but the Cubs have made it a religion. They are lovable losers. What crap. The Cubs greatest personality was its alcoholic announcer who was on a plain of unintelligibility that has yet to be matched by anyone other than a toothless Barney Frank. The Mark Prior and Kerry Wood experience. The annual monthly dugout fights. The fans attacking umpires and first basemen. On a personal note: their regular theft from the Pirates organization (Exhibit 1: Aramis Ramirez). 91 million to watch Zambrano throw a hissy fit or from the bullpen every other week. Jim Hendry… seriously… that guy is still GM? (I had to double check.) And I can’t overstate this undeniable fact: 1908 was a loooong time ago. They blame goats, Steve Bartman, black cats. How about we just blame your shitty franchise and its crappy fans.

Like I said… a steal at #8

Max
9. Los Angeles Dodgers – Most of our list has been because of a team’s recent history of suckitude (see the Pirates’ last 18 seasons), but this one was chosen looking forward. They’ve been able to overcome Al Campanis pulling a Jimmy the Greek in 1987. They’ve been able to overcome Tommy Lasorda getting blowjobs from hookers while he watches girl-on-girl porn. They’ve been able to overcome trading away the best offensive catcher ever (albeit chemically enhanced) for malcontent cancers (Sheff and Bonilla). But the one thing they’re not going to overcome is the McCourts messy divorce. Hell, I’m not sure the limo driver/Jamie’s boytoy doesn’t make personnel decisions at this point. Across town, Arte Moreno has been gathering fan defections from the Dodger Blue to the Angel Halo for a number of years and that’s only going to get worse from here on out. Vin Scully deserves better than this.

I think I’m done. I have the Pirates slotted right there.

Bearcat
Mariners?…Seattle is depressing
Red Sox?…if I was from Boston, I would shoot myself
Houston?…they are a mess

 

ZJ
All good suggestions that were at the top of my queue. Wow, Houston has to be in the top six, right??? I knew I shoulda taken the Cubs at #7. I regret that one.

 

And there you have it…the all-encompassing and definitive ranking of teams that are worse to root for than the Pirates. Did your team make the cut? Don’t agree with us? Tough shit…didn’t you see the part where I called it all-encompassing and definitive?

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn: Pitt Leading the Way

In a blatant ripoff of KSK’s Tommy from Quinzee (we really don’t have readers anyway), Daddy’s Sugar Ball presents to you Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn who comments on the #1 ranking of the Pitt Panthers in the recent investigation by Sports Illustrated and CBS into arrests and police records at D1 football programs. Take it away, Sal.

The problem with da Pitt Panthers ain’t just about the fact that they go around throwing jagoffs through plate glass windas and drinking Arn City like water. No the real problem is they are losin. Pixburgh is a drinking town with a football problem. We want players who can toss a man through a winda if he has-ta.

/jaywalks through a busy intersection and nearly causes a fourteen car pileup

The Panthers should be number one in thug-ger-ation and police-blotter reporting. You think you can win power Western PA type football with a bunch of nice guys who hold their pinkies out while drinking tea n’at? Horseshit! You need men who drink beer by ripping the top of that can of with their bare hands.

/refuses to attend Panther games unless it is against Notre Dame

Truth be telling yinz guys that the only problem with Wanny and company is the failure to be the winner that Steeler Nation demands. Failure is not acceptable.

/adjusts his Pirates cap

Going 7-5 in the soft as Isley’s chipped ham Big East is what is the problem; not having nearly a third of the team cuffed up since summer. Losin to the queers from West Vergin-ya is completely and udderly unacceptable. Losin the backyard bra is like watching one your dog get smeared by a Trans Am. You are sad for the dog and horrified by the potential injury to a classic piece of American Arn.

/keeps his dog chained outside 24/7/365

A couple summary arrests for aggravated battery, public intoxication, and urinating on various parts of the Golden Triangle should be considered the cost of running a successful program. I be on-nard to have any Pitt starter come and matriculate on my lawn or the back wall of the American Legion alongside me any day.

/pulls a warm Genessee from his coat pocket and pounds it

I blame Pitt’s AD and the Chance-Lor for failing to protect these athletes. No wonder they stink. They were always worried about getting caught up in a police sting or trapment every time they decide to dispense some South Side barroom justice or want to relieve theirselves into an open foreign convertible.

/wipes mouth with his two sizes too small Great White 1989 World Tour t-shirt

So there yinz have it and I ain’t jagging ya.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The NFL lying? Get Out!!!!!

There are stupid things to say, there are lies, and then there are lies that make you look stupid.

NFL Spokesperson Greg Aiello (left) spoke up on Twitter immediately following yesterday’s court decision against the owners regarding the lock-out contingent TV deals:

“As we have frequently said, our clubs are prepared for any contingency, this decision included. Today’s ruling will have no effect on our efforts to negotiate a new, balanced labor agreement.”

The stupidity of this lie cannot be overstated.  It is blatantly untrue and no one will ever believe it.  The NFL owners clearly were relying on 1.2 billion dollars in TV money for the upcoming season regardless of whether any games were played as a means by which to continue to cover expenses.  It breaks down to approximately 40 million per team.  Not exactly a pittance.

The financial constraints between the parties are now in balance.  Owners do not want to sink personal funds into stadium bond payments and personnel that are sitting around watching the paint dry.  They bought an NFL franchise to print money and without the TV lockout funds flowing, money is going to dry up for these businesses.

Also failure to reach an agreement with the NFLPA by Friday could very well mean that the Union will decertify and instantly the NFL has a serious antitrust problem on their hands.  The players will all be individual workers.  While the NFL does not necessarily like fighting with the NFLPA; it has to be better than watching the salary cap vanish, cost certainty disappear, and financial rules put in place that create the level playing field for owners go out the window.  The NFL will have a hard time locking out a Union that has ceased to exist.

Ultimately the NFLPA does not want to dissolve via decertification.  That is a nuclear option.  The owners know that but they have to believe that the potential is real if they do get locked out.

There are a lot of moving pieces right now but one thing is certain.  Greg Aiello’s statement was colossally dumb.  The NFL owners just got the financial rug pulled out from underneath them and will have to vote today or tomorrow whether to soldier on without a war chest or to finally bargain in good faith.  Any time 1.2 billion dollars gets taken away it affects decision making.  I don’t care how rich you are.

Prediction:  Owners will vote not to pull the trigger on the lockout this week.  They will say something like, “Given recent progress at the bargaining table the parties have reason to believe that more time and hard work will bring about a balanced and fair deal.”

Negotiating a CBA is about leverage.  Who has it, who can use it and ultimately who will bend under it.  This ruling might be the leverage the NFLPA needed.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat