Lessons from an amateur father

If you really want to keep teenagers from impregnating each other these days I have a couple new ideas other than the scare tactics that today’s failing American high schools have employed in recent years:

1. Have the boys carry all the crap that comes with a child.  I truly hate to carry things.  I hate the hassle of holding stuff.  I am a first ballot hall of famer when it comes to being lazy.  Couple this with an attention span that generally would be bad even for most insects capable of flight and you a recipe for difficult parenting.  Holding the kids is not all that bad.  Yes they are heavy and at times can feel like a space heater built for cuddling but they love you and all that good shit.  What does not love you is all the crap you have to haul around with them.  Napoleon’s army packed lighter than modern parents.  Every parent on the cul-de-sac has an SUV because the accoutrements of today’s youth requires vehicles with the packing capacity nearly that of a U-Haul.  But those things do not stay in the vehicle.  They must be lugged for what seems like miles between far off destinations.  Diaper bags that are so full they develop their own gravitational pull on the tides.  Pack and Play’s (formally called Play Pens but that is another rant).  Food and water.  You must bring them their own food and water supply.  Toys… my God the toys.  Everyone buys your kids toys and that absolutely infect your entire home and vehicle.  And you must lug this shit endlessly like some modern day Sisyphus.  Carrying shit is the worst.

2. The constant noise.  As mentioned in part one, the toys infect your entire existence.  They all make a level of headache sparking noise that you will be forced to drink heavily only to numb the pain.  Everything makes some sort of gawd-awful scream or nauseating song which includes counting, farm animal noises that sound like they came from a bestiality porno set or the first 13 letters of the alphabet.  Even the books make noise now.  They all sing and read themselves.  (This is why we are failing as a nation.)  The volume of everything in your house feels like you are living in Elmo’s World produced by the roadies from KISS.  Have these zit faced high school kids deal with life at this annoying volume for about three hours minus the latest Kei$ha song to distract them will certainly increase condom usage.

3. Doctor’s offices… Welcome to the wonderful world of the constant co-pay.  You kid has a rash that appears and disappears as quickly as it came but you still take the kid to the doctor.  You are a concerned and loving parent.  That concern and love will cost you fifty bucks.  You kid has a fever (this will happen on a near weekly basis as children lack the ability to maintain homeostasis).  Again concern and love cost you fifty dollars.  Notice I am not mentioning anything about the doctor actually fixing anything.  No that never actually happens.  You just go, lugging all your worldly possession (see item #1), pay fists full of money, watch your child experience meltdowns that cause embarrassment and then leave with no answers.  Experience this and suddenly those high school kids are drinking 40’s of Hurricane to forget their problems not to separate some Sophomore from her panties.

In the end it is all worth it…because they love you like no one has ever loved you.

Just be sure you are ready to carry all their stuff.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Lessons from an amateur father

As a new father I will occasionally drop a new post talking about the experiences (i.e. failures) and things I learn on the job in the process of raising Lil’ Ms. Bearcat. Here are my ramblings as I try not to screw up at being a father.

• I hope whoever the people are that put buttons on baby clothing die an awfully painful death and burn in hell for all eternity.   Seriously, they should all have their fingers cut off and then thrown from the windows of whatever sweatshop they use to make those button-laden baby cloths.  I have fingers that are not conductive to fine precision work. Need me to swing a sledge? Done. Thread a needle? Expect lots of swearing and me eventually stabbing myself in the hand. So why would designers put very tiny delicate little button on infant clothes? Snaps or Velcro. I don’t want to deal with this epic struggle. Also Lil’ Ms. Bearcat does not have the patience to watch as her father fumbles getting her dressed.

• Watching football is impossible. One you can’t get through a quarter without one of the baby’s bodily functions needing attention. Projectile vomit, exploding diaper, snot rocking out of her nose.  Sometimes all of these at once. The ideal football watching scenario is for Lil’ Ms. Bearcat to fall asleep in my arms. This is comforting.  But God help me if the Troy Polamalu rips some poor SOB quarterback’s head off. No cheering. It will awaken the baby and surely cause immediate shaming from the wife.

• You always see in movies how having a baby is a total chick magnet.  This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Carrying Lil’ Ms. Bearcat around immediately means that women will crawl over broken glass to be near a cute baby. It is pretty clear that having a baby communicates to other women that 1. This guy was at least decent enough for another member of the gender to copulate with and therefore his is not a complete asshole and 2.  If he has a cute baby then that means he can impregnate me with a cute baby.  Is this a narrow and sexist way of looking at this phenomena? Yes. Will I rescind or apologize for it? No.

• I have started a list of things I plan to teach my children even though these lessons will not be met with approval from Ms. Bearcat or most of society.  I think these are all important skills for today’s youth.

– Pencil Fighting…Hint: always chose a Ticonderoga.
– How to properly heckle
– You actually can judge a book by its cover if the “book” is a dirty hippy.
– Being able to quote The Simpsons, The Big Lebowski and Monty Python is an essential life skill.
– Why we should distrust the entire state of California
– Snarkiness is akin to Godliness.
– The Internet and TV are our friends.  Never let anyone talk poorly of our friends.
– Taking shit apart is fun.  (Taking dad’s stuff apart is seriously detrimental to your heath)
– That it is perfectly acceptable to point and laugh

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Lessons from an amateur father

As a new father I will occasionally drop a new post talking about the experiences (i.e. failures) and things I learn on the job in the process of raising Lil’ Ms. Bearcat. Here are my ramblings as I try not to screw up at being a father.

● As of my last count my child averaged approximately 22 diaper changes over a 24 hour period. Most of these diaper changes exist during small windows of only an hour in which my daughter will feel the need to utterly destroy diaper after diaper. The average lifespan of these baby waste disposal devices is around 15 minutes. This is why raising a child costs half a million dollars. Most of the investment is in diapers. College tuition is looking like a bargain at this point.

● Babies will attempt to destroy any article of clothing on their body within a matter of minutes. Example:

1. Watch Daddy put on new Onesie that reads “Daddy’s Little Cupcake”

2. Once fully clothed, spit up colossal volumes of milky vomit immediately rendering new outfit completely unwearable.

3. Giggle and look cute so as to frustrate father to no end.

4. Repeat.

● Sleep deprivation is an effective means by which to break a human being. I can totally understand why the CIA used this against Al Qaeda. I feel like I would admit or agree to anything at this point. I am dead on the inside.

● Last week Mrs. Bearcat and I took our little girl for a stroll around the neighborhood. When we were about five minutes walking distance from the house ‘lil Ms. Bearcat decided for no particular reason to start screaming like she was being electrocuted. This caused all the good people of my development to start looking at us and wonder what we were doing to our poor child. There is no scenario that can cause you more discomfort. I am currently waiting for child custody officers to drop by for a visit.

● Babies generate enough heat to boil water. This is a fact. While holding a baby your body temperature will rise to uncontrollable levels. Babies are like space heaters set to full blast that like to cuddle.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Lessons from an amateur father

A little more than a week ago, Mrs. Bearcat and I welcomed our first child into the world. It has been quite the experience as we learn, on the job, the process of raising Lil’ Ms. Bearcat.  Expect me from time-to-time to provide some of the wisdom and experience I pick up while trying not to screw up another human being’s life.

• I have already become unbelievably comfortable handling and being covered in human excrement. Babies basically find new and interesting ways to surprise you with their bowel movements. Currently, I have found baby poop on two of my shirts, a pair of shorts, my back and my face. The stuff wanders faster than a BP oil spill and is nearly as difficult to contain.
• Babies have the ability to rifle their crap out of their tiny little bodies with such a velocity that if it was scaled up to full adult size there would not be a need for the Large Hadron Collider.   Seriously, I watched it shoot across the room.
• Baby wipes can clean anything. We should send some of them to the Gulf. Pampers would have the entire coast clean within about two weeks if they used nothing but baby wipes.
• Going without meaningful and restful sleep as long as I have makes you feel like you were hit by a truck. I personally have never been hit but a truck but remembering Max Power’s description after he got bounced off the front end of a GMC; I am pretty sure this is what it is like…only with more happiness.
• I have eaten my last hot meal for what is probably at least 12 years…make that 15.
• It takes at least 30 minutes to do anything. I can’t make buttered toast without it taking at approximately 53 minutes these days.   As soon as you are ready to do something you either have to deal with diaper that is blowing out or you need to burp the baby. This post was actually started sometime in the middle of 1999 and was going to post on our old GeoCities site.
• The weight listed on the box of diapers is in reference to the size of the baby they are intended for and do not reflect their “maximum capacity.” You do not want to know how I came to learn this information.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat