Looking at Refn’s Drive Four Years Later

Today Sploid put up a link to Nicolas Winding Refn’s excellent movie Drive.  If you have not seen it yet… you really have to give it the time.  It’s a master work.  Sploid was just embedding this video so that is all you need assuming you have already watched the film.

Drive (2011) – The Quadrant System from Tony Zhou on Vimeo.

After some back and forth with Max Power via email I decided to do a quick lunch time take on Drive for DSB.

Quick aside: It really is sad that Refn’s follow up was such crap.  I don’t know how the same guy that made Drive could also make Only God Forgives.

Did he drink too much of his own Kool Aid?  What the hell happened in those two years?  I knew the movie was getting poor reviews; which is being kind. I wanted to see it anyway and frankly it was absolutely unwatchable.  I could not finish it.  I gave up.  I could not summon the power to give a fuck about that movie, it characters, or the story even if my life depended on it.

Back to discussing Drive… Looking at the field from the 2012 Oscars you really get a sense three years later of where these movies fell with just a little history.

The Artist won best picture, so that tells us a lot about the state of the Academy that year.  Sure, it was an interesting picture… 80 years ago.

Other nominees in 2012:
The Tree of Life — Dinosaurs, really? “Because why the fuck not, that’s why!” — Terrance Mann.  Literally no one understood this movie and if they claim to they are lying and want you to think they are smart and like important things.

The Descendants — George Clooney think piece! (GAGGING)

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close:  I did not see this but pulling 9/11 heart strings should have been played out by this time. Right?

The Help – Turd Pie

Hugo – Martin Scorsese made this?  Really, Scorsese?  The one we all love?  Are we sure?

Midnight in Paris – A Woody Allen flick that was nearly as enjoyable as Vicky Christina Barcelona.  It should have been nominated simply because it was a Woody Allen flick that was tolerable.  That’s an achievement at this point.

Moneyball – PSH’s limited performance was better than the whole rest of the flick.  I feel like that might be the defining statement of his career. He was better the whole rest of the movie around him… I am sad… moving on.

War Horse – Speaking of sad… The Academy nominated this movie on everyone that saw it saying “I had a sad.”

You know what the Academy saw fit to be nominated in Drive:  Best Achievement in Sound Editing.  That’s it.

Looking at the cast… Albert Brooks not getting nominated for Best Supporting is still awful and nearly as F’ed up as The Lego Movie getting shut out this year. He was excellent playing against type.  No extra credit for that?

I like movies.  I am not a critic.  I am barely willing to call myself a buff.  But Drive was an EXCELLENT movie.  It was a beautifully tragic tale that made you afraid to get too close to anything because you could never trust it to have the happy ending.  I liked that.  It was an achievement in story telling in taking what was painful, dark, and violent and make it feel light and airy.

So many of the scenes trap you.  You feel confined with the characters in the nuance of their pain, their longing, their fear, their bad past, or simply trapped in a car that is moving so fast and violently that it will surely kill you.

Does anyone look at the list above and think Drive did not deserve to be in the conversation if not win for director or best film?

Will the Oscars ever stop disappointing me?  Probably not.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…

Bearcat

Jon Taffer’s Franchise Rescue

V.O.: This year, many failing sports franchises nationwide will close their doors for good. If things don’t change soon, the Washington Redskins in Ashburn, Virginia will become just another statistic.

In May 1999 lifelong fan and telemarketing entrepreneur Dan Snyder purchased the football team for $800 million dollars. Even though the deal was financed largely through borrowed money, it was at the time the most expensive transaction in sporting history.

Dan Snyder: Whatever it takes to win, let’s do it, let’s do it no matter what. The fans deserve it, the players deserve it, I deserve it, you know?

V.O.: Since acquiring the team, the Redskins’ annual revenue increased almost 250 percent and Snyder coaxed Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs out of retirement.

But soon the diminutive owner turned the Redskins’ reputation from storied franchise into a perennial cellar dweller in the NFC East.

Now with a team mired in incompetence and dysfunction, Snyder has agreed to pull back the doors, bust open the books, and make a call for help…to Jon Taffer and Franchise Rescue.

/Black Chevy Suburban pulls up

Jon Taffer: So guys, here we are at the Redskins’ headquarters in Northern Virginia.

V.O.: For recon Jon brings in the best…Bill Polian, long-time football executive and architect of the Indianapolis Colts’ Super Bowl championship in 2007. With his background in scouting and skills in salary cap management, Polian can help raise the talent level of a team that finished just 4-12 this season.

Also along with Jon is Super Bowl winning coach Bill Parcells who can revive the motivation and discover any issues on the coaching staff.

Jon Taffer: This team, this organization has won five NFL championships in its rich history. But they’ve only won two playoff games in the last 20 years. And let’s be honest guys, since Dan Snyder has bought the team there’s been one public relations nightmare after another.

/hidden cameras show the inside of Snyder’s office

Jon Taffer: There’s Dan in his office now.

Dan Snyder (on phone): The trees need to be removed! I demand it! Lovey needs to see the Potomac!

/new GM Scot McCloughan walks in and sits down

Jon Taffer: There’s their new General Manager, Scot McCloughan. He was a big part of the recent successes of both the 49ers and Seahawks.

Bill Polian: No one doubts Scot’s expertise in player evaluation but he also had to quit his last job in Seattle. His battles with alcohol are well-known in league circles and hopefully he’s put that behind him.

Bill Parcells: That’s a big roll of the dice for this team, wouldn’t you say?

Jon Taffer: You make risky decisions when you’re desperate. Let’s all go in and see what we have to work with.

/Taffer walks into Snyder’s office

Jon Taffer: Dan, I’m Jon Taffer.

Dan Snyder: Nice to meet you Jon. How may I help you?

Jon Taffer: How may you help me? I’m here to help you!! Call everyone into the conference room, we’re having a staff meeting right now.

Dan Snyder: But…but…

Jon Taffer: NOW!

/Taffer stands in front of a bunch of employees in the conference room

Jon Taffer: My name is Jon Taffer. I’m here to save this franchise. Dan has run this team into the ground and acted like the players and coaches are from his own personal LEGO set. The fan experience at FedEx field is one of the worst in the league. This man here has served expired and out of date beer because why the hell not. He’s wasted millions of dollars on big name free agents way past their prime. He’s more invested in winning the offseason. And I haven’t even touched on the silly, out of date logic he has to hanging onto the offensive Redskins name.

Dan Snyder: But the name is about honor. It’s respect. It’s pride. And I think that every player here sees it, feels it, every alumni feels it, and it’s a wonderful thing, it’s a historic thing.

Jon Taffer: Shame on you.

Dan Snyder: But…

Jon Taffer: Shame! On! You!

Jon Taffer: I don’t embrace excuses. I embrace solutions. I’m here to turn this franchise around. What I want to understand from all of you is a little about what’s going on.

Bruce Allen: Jon, I firmly believe we’re winning off the field.

Jon Taffer: What do you even do here?

Bruce Allen: I’m in charge of Harvest Fest and …

Jon Taffer: Get out!

/Allen hangs his head and leaves

Jon Taffer: I don’t do this alone. These are my two friends and experts: Bill Polian and Bill Parcells.

Dan Snyder: Ohmygod…ohmygod…ohmygod. Mr. Parcells will you be our new head coach. I’ll give you a kajillion dollars.

Bill Parcells: Um…Jay Gruden is standing right there. Isn’t he already your coach?

Dan Snyder: Not if you say yes.

Jon Taffer: You will not be hiring anyone while I’m here.

Dan Snyder: Well, we just hired Joe Barry as our new defensive coordinator.

Bill Parcells: Rod Marinelli’s son-in-law?

Dan Snyder: Yep.

Bill Polian: The guy that went through a Wendy’s drive thru naked?

Bill Parcells: Nah…that was a different assistant coach with the Lions.

Dan Snyder: Is that guy available?

Jon Taffer: Shut it down…Shut it down now! SHUT! IT! DOWN!

Thoughts I Might Have Thought While Thinking About Thoughts For a DSB Post about My Thoughts

• At which point does Cleveland actually get nervous about the ability for the Cavs to re-sign LeBron? I feel like that should be soon. The Cavs legitimately stink and his super short contract is not going to sit well with fans.  This will be fun to watch.

• Speaking of Cleveland. The Browns are 7-4.  They are not who we thought they were.

• The Bengals won too. The AFC North is a toss-up unlike any other…
Except for the NFC South which mathematically could be won by a team going 5-11. Yeah, you read that right.

• I have watched Odell Beckham’s catch at least 30 times. I have nothing more to add that has not been said by everyone else.  I just thought you should know that… yeah… I saw that.  It defied physics.

• Is Denver good? I get the feeling the Broncos actually stink but I don’t really watch much of the NFL anymore and frankly… I would just like to assume they are a bad team and will get killed in round one of the playoffs.  I would like to bet on that.

• CBS is going to carry the Jets at Buffalo at Detroit game tonight starting at 7:00? I bet ESPN is furious.  They paid a BILLION dollars for MNF.  The broadcast on CBS is going to kill it in the ratings.  The 7:00 pm start and the fact that this game is on CBS is just going to murder ESPN viewership this week.

• Jameis Winston bumped an official during Saturday’s game. The ACC says “meh.”  Which is funny because after the rape, shoplifting, and truck load of other NCAA violations we all know are out there people actually thought a college football governing body was going to do something about THIS?  Really… you thought they would do something about him bumping a ref?

• Can we start calling Winston, Mr. Teflon? I feel like that should be his nickname.

• Ferguson has been a powder keg for like a week waiting for the grand jury. What if the grand jury just never breaks… just kind of waits it out like the NFL and all big corrupt operations try to do with everything. Wait like a couple of months then just release some notes to the press and be like “That’s old news!  Nothing to see here… Why can’t you people move on!”

• I was at the end of a bag of tortilla chips while shoveling salsa into my face and it was just a bunch of broken chips. I tried to assemble the broken pieces into one big chip to use up the last of the salsa… it did not go well.  Learn to accept when the journey is over.

• Marion Barry died. If I was a betting man I would assume he told St. Peter at the gate “She set me up.”

• Can we start running a list of women who Bill Cosby didn’t rape?

• A Nor’easter is projected to come up the coast and have a profound effect on the Thanksgiving travel push. That sound you just heard was NBC News and CNN having a collective orgasm.

• President Obama told a crowd this weekend that the voters just “want new car smell in 2016.” LOL… I don’t even know what that means other than F you Hillary.  Because if anyone is addicted to that “new car smell” its Bill Clinton and we all know Hillary ain’t got it.

• I am sure Max Power watched the American Music Awards… If you want to know what happened ask him. (Max: Untrue!)

• Lots of people are talking about e-cigarettes these days. Does anyone actually think that free-basing nicotine is not going to have long term side effects?  BTW:  Here are some of the names for the e-liquids people are free basing:

• Freedom Juice
• Ecto Cooler
• Sinister Sweetness
• Unicorn Blood
• Krackberry
• WaterFelons
• Hadouken (Think StreetFigher the video game)
• Suicide Bunny
• Robo Fuel

• Finally!  SNL won the week with this cold opening:

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Reasons Why Sesame Street is Important

On Monday Sesame Street reached its 45^th anniversary.  That is impressive.  As a father to two young children I can say that Sesame Street really is just as important today as it was 45 years ago.  While children’s TV has undergone a seismic shift in those 45 years, Sesame Street is still the go to program for kids.  Here is why:

10. Cable TV children’s television is the great Satan of advertising. Watch you kids watch Nickelodeon.  They do so as passive brain dead CONSUMERS.  It is terrifying.  Once a commercial comes on they immediately want the latest Secret of the Ooze Teenage Mutant Ninja action figure with real Kung Fu grip and matching face-melter ray gun. This product will cost $45 dollars and will be unloved 34 seconds upon exiting the packaging but they NEED it… the commercial said so.

9. While we are on commercials: Chucky Cheese is 53.4% of all ads on commercial children’s TV.  If your kids watch commercial TV they want to go to Chucky Cheese.  If you breakdown and take your children to Chucky Cheese you will shoot yourself in the fucking face and end up leaving them fatherless.  Do not let that happen.

8. Kermit the Frog’s News Flash.

6. People talk about getting on Saturday Night Live as “making it” in show business. Either hosting, playing as the night’s band or being spoofed.  They are right getting on SNL in some way provides a moment where you are part of the zeitgeist.  But the other forum is Sesame Street.  I would argue that it’s even more important. There is no artist, comedian, actor, musician, or celebrity that would turn down an opportunity to appear on Sesame Street… None.

5. Sesame Street make Will.i.am tolerable. Seriously… the dude has appeared in music bits for the show and they are… they are… good.  No one else can do this.

3. Monster Piece Theater. I LOVE THESE.

2. The Sesame Street Making Crayons video… this is classic. So much going on there.

1. The Sesame Street parody pieces. There is so much to love here.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Not Quite Top Ten Times 2!

With Halloween coming up it is time to give you our loyal readers (both of you) some tips for what is, and what is not, good Halloween treats.  Therefore, today we are giving you not one but two Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten lists!

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Good Candy for Trick or Treaters

10. Sour Patch Kids
9. M&Ms
8. Crunch Bar
6. Pay Day
5. Heath
3. Twix
2. Snickers
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (This is not debatable)

Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten Worst Things To Get While Trick or Treating

10. Sugarless Candy (You asking for the flaming bag of poo.)
9. Werther’s Originals (What am I 80?)
8. Raisins (Everyone hates you.)
7. A piece of gum
5. Candy Corn. (No.)
4. Change (Emptying your car’s ashtray is not a sufficient substitute.)
3. Good n’ Plenty (They are not good candy.)
2. Can of Faygo (What are you a Juggalo?)
1. Toothbrush (GFY)

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Bill Simmons Thinks This Is Feisty… It’s Not.

From Bill Simmons’ Friday Mailbag post:

Q: Could Goodell’s cameo in Draft Day become the highlight of his tenure? I mean, he actually gets cheered as he walks onto the draft stage (the most unrealistic moment in a movie LOADED with unrealistic moments, as you laid out in your column). I can just picture Goodell, after he gets inevitably canned, sitting in front of a big screen TV watching and rewinding himself walking onto the stage to cheers in the movie with a blank look on his face like he doesn’t understand what went wrong.

—Chris, Kansas City

BS: There’s no way Goodell saw that movie — it was barely in the theaters and went straight to video, which means they sent him the video and he never got it. (Sorry, I had to.)

…and that is Bill Simmons stirring the pot.  It was the first time he actually said something other than thanking people for their “support” during his three week suspension.  He is actually writing stuff and this is the best shot he can take at his employer’s overly zealous defense of the NFL in all things?

This barely registers for me.  It does not count as anything.

Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Things I Thought This Weekend

• Painting is a huge pain in the ass. I was painting our kitchen this weekend because Mrs. Bearcat took the two kids and left town for the weekend.  (Bachelor Weekend!  Or so I hoped.) But painting a kitchen is a multi-day event.  It is awful.  Don’t ever do it.  If you don’t like the color of your kitchen put the house for sale and move or commit insurance fraud and burn the place down.  Seriously… just leave the place.
• The NFL desperately wants American Football to catch on in England. They have been playing games there since like 2007.   Why are we flying teams halfway around the globe to play to half empty stadiums there when we have tax payer funded half empty stadiums here?!?!
• Why would any British person want to watch a sport that has this as the export pushing the brand down their throat?

https://vine.co/v/Oh3tAwg9t6x/embed/simple

• Skidz! When will they make a comeback?  I am ready for them.
• Chuck Todd will not be able to fix Meet the Press until the producers figure out that MTP is not MTV.  They book shitty guests.  They cut too many times and cut people off way too early.  And the panel sitting all across from each other is stupid and will never work.  It’s like if you had a party of six and you all sit at the bar to hang out.  It does not work. Max number of people that can sit at a bar and discuss anything is three; and that is pushing it.
• I love John Oliver and his show “Last Week Tonight.” He is doing great work but can we please not call him a journalist or his show news.  It can be HIGHLY informative and its great work but it is not journalism.  No shame in that.  If anything in 2014 that might be the best thing going for its long term success.
• The Garfield Halloween Adventure (1985) is underrated and underappreciated as far as holiday cartoon specials.       /ducks
• Penn State lost to THEE Ohio State University?  No shit…
• Pitt fumbled and lost the ball five time to open the game.  That is the most Pitt thing ever.  Like I always say “Pitt’s gonna Pitt.”
• With NFL locker rooms struggling at times to deal with MRSA how long until a team has Ebola raging through its bench?  I wish I could bet on this.  I would take the Browns and Tampa Bay at even odds and Jacksonville at 3-2 odds.  Can I get a money line on Dallas?  They should be near the top of the boards I think.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Worst State Capitals

10. Pierre, SD

Name a capital after a Frenchy? F U South Dakota.

9. Helena, MT

Its main street is named Last Chance Gulch. I wish I was making that up.

7. Des Moines, IA

When nothing surrounds you for miles and miles except cornfields, a three-story building qualifies as a skyscraper.

6. Carson City, NV

Don’t tell anyone in Carson City that it’s the 21st century. They’re still trying to figure out how to tie up their newfangled cars to the hitching posts.

4. Albany, NY

Historically, Albany has been a city of immigrants. Their latest and most prominent group of residents? Rats.

3. Harrisburg, PA

We can’t even hire a City Treasurer who doesn’t embezzle from a non-profit or declare for personal bankruptcy.

2. Charleston, WV

That smell that permeates everything in Charleston? That’s the odor of burning sofas, overflowing Shoney’s grease traps, and a lack of feminine hygiene products.

1. Trenton, NJ

You have to be certifiably cuckoo bananas to go walking in Trenton after the sun goes down. Baltimore may be Stab City, but this is where Ray Lewis gets rids of the bodies.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Suck It Up and Take It Like You Are Paid To Do…

Bill Simmons came off suspension last Wednesday and since then it has been a whole lot of nothing…  As of my writing we have seen four tweets from The Sports Guy.  Four.

We also got the weekly Cousin Sal and Bill BS report where they guess the lines for next week’s slate of games.  They use this as a way to ham fistedly review the prior week’s NFL results and make what they pretend to be are inside jokes and that we are all on the inside. Generally speaking what they say is neither a joke not are we on the inside.  I used to like this podcast but it got old real quick.  Kind of like everything by Simmons.

While it has been a long… long… time since I was a fan of Simmons’ work I do believe him to be an honest, decent guy.  I just no longer enjoy my football, baseball and other sports columns to be peppered with constant references to Karate Kid, “Basketball Jesus,” Ewing Theory, and Reverse, Double Reverse, Super Reverse on the first and their Reverse while avoiding my desired non-Reverse-Reverse on your anticipated Reverse Jinx.

But I love turmoil more than practically anything so when Simmons got a three week suspension for saying what literally everyone whose pay is not directly or tangentially linked to the National Football League was saying, I was excited to say the least.

I wanted a war of words… I wanted people to quit their jobs in disgust… I wanted what Simmons promised “I’ll go public.”  That is what he said.

So when he put his integrity on the line… and lets not beat around the bush more than I already have… When he said to his bosses “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell…Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast. Please, call me and say I’m in trouble. I dare you.”

Well they called his bluff and it WAS a bluff.

In this week’s podcast he thanked people for their “support” and used his return from suspension as a gag; not a very funny one.

Money talked.

Bill Simmons is owned by ESPN.

If he was going to go public the time has passed.  Now he could still walk when his contract is up in a year but really that is probably not going to happen.  ESPN pays.  They pay well.  He will stay.

#FreeSimmons was a trending rallying cry on twitter.  But free him from what?  He is his own prisoner.  He sold his integrity.  He sold it to ESPN for Grantland, 30 for 30, the access, and the money… so much money.

Don’t feel bad for him.  I don’t. He could have had me in his corner but he took the money. Frankly, I would too.  Money talks. Especially when it’s counted in the millions.

Just don’t trade on your integrity again, Bill.  You already spent that once and we all know you ain’t “going public.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB is launching an App

You read that headline right. We have just completed development for a new app for iOS called Road Beef© (Patent Pending). Road Beef© is the newest development from our team of meth-addled Rhesus Monkeys.

Road Beef© is taking the hook up power of such great apps as Tinder and Grindr and adding important geo-location services and other key features to ensure that today’s modern athletes can get the companionship that they need while spending those long, lonely days on the road.

So how does Road Beef© work?

Great question. Road Beef© begins by providing to you a pre-screened population of possible companions that are tailored to your specific needs.  These categories are developed to the exacting standards of famous professional athletes.

These include:

The Roethlisberger: Fall down drunk college girls that have zero standards and are looking for about 12-14 minutes of your attention.

The Jerry Jones: Strippers… Nothing but coked up strippers

The Visanthe Shiancoe: These ladies can deep throat the softball bat and the ball.

The Jeter: Models and actresses with only the highest of taste (requires an additional charge/gift bag)

The Mark Sanchez: This drops the age range from 19-26 to 16-19.

What about my security?

We here at DSB take very seriously your security.  When you are a sufficient distance away from home the Road Beef© app will automatically detect the change and suddenly become visible on your device’s home screen.  We call this “Tiger Woods Mode.”

When the app geo-locates that you are at your home, the Road Beef© app automatically removes itself from the home screen. This allows the app to be inaccessible while at home and even disappear from your phone when your wife, long term fiancée or baby mama might see it.  This extra layer of security is critical to Road Beef’s© mission.

To use the app while on the road just swipe left and right to either accept or decline the companionship of the ladies.  It’s as simple as that.  No longer will you have to wade through hotel lobbies or VIP tables with exorbitant bottle service costs to gather some companionship. Today, thanks to Road Beef©, it’s as simple as a swipe!

Download today in the App Store.  Only $4.99!

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat and ZJ