Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn: The Pittsburgh Baseball Stillers

As I look out over the great Yinzer Stiller Nation and what we have accomplished over the last three and a half months I realize this drinking tahn with a Stillers problem has caught a case of baseball fever. These Buccos are no longer the Succos! I can proudly wear my Pirates ball cap again.

/Adjusts his brand new Pirates hat while wearing a prized Gregg Lloyd replica jersey t-shirt with sweat stains while getting into his still salt stained Pontiac Bonneville.

These Buccos are great to root for… unlikes those ungrateful Stillers. James Harassment is nothing but an ungrateful retard. You do not be-smirk the Rooney’s NFL French-fries with stupid comments to some queer man’s workout magazine!

/Blows through red light

Hines! What was yinz thinking? Yinz supposed to be the leader on the Stillers. Yinz to cross the middle on the grid arn; not the middle line with a snoot full, half in the bag and behind dat wheel.

/Reaches under the driver’s seat, finds a beer, cracks it open.

But back to my beloved Pittsburgh Baseball Stillers… it is nice to know that while there were fans of other less no-bell teams laughing at us we was just hiding low. Waiting for our time to come. Now we will teach all of yinz a lesson.

/tosses empty can out the window

Now we will steal from yinz teams. We are buyers! With the All-Star game, that lacked a sufficient number of Pirates mind yinz, over it is time con-cent-rate on a playoff push. This time the trade deadline with be a Yinzer celebration as we bring in the hot bats and strong pitt-chin to sup-lee-ment our Stillers baseball team. 18 years of sufferin’ will soon be over as we will now impose our will on the entire league.

/Lights one cigarette of the one he just finished.

To those that say there is a lot of baseball to be played I say: GET OUTTA TAHN!!! We are winners again!

/Pulls into “shoppin’ center parking” lot and nails a shopping cart with his car

/Parks in a handicapped space in front of beer distributor

Like the saying goes “On any given Sunday, n’at” this team has the fort-it-tood to win any game against any team. The years of stockpiling picks has finally paid off with superior baseball talent that has the grit and determin-nation of the blue collar Yinzer Stiller Nation.

/Picks up case of Old German and cracks one open while walking to the register

The Buccos have Cutch who should still be pissed off over being the 183rd alternate for the All-Star game. Fort McHenry is the baseball player that Franco’s Army has been waiting for all these years!

/Bitches about the price of beer and then pays in one dollar bills and a zip lock bag of change

I know we will not only be winning the NL East and crushin’ the Mets and Phillies…

/Unaware of 1993/1994 Expansion and Realignment

But it will be Yinzers hosting the first game of the World Series. I read on that Twitter-er-thing-a-ma-gig that ESPY’s Buster Olney suggests we get in line for Fall Classic tickets now! There is only one October and this year the Stiller Yinzer Nation will be wavin’ Terrible Towels in Heinz Field in the morning and at PNC Park n’at in the afternoon.

The Buccos are back and I ain’t jaggin’ ya!

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn: Yer 2011 Buccos Preview N’at

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn is back to preview this season’s Buccos. Take it away, Sal.

For 99% of the country hope springs eat-ernal come April and the start of baseball season. For members of the Yinzer Steeler Nation the start of baseball means we will get de-stracted from the long dark football winter by watching a bunch of jagoffs get shelled for a couple months.

/parks his still winter salt encrusted Bonneville in a handicap space

Buccos season means I have something to watch until August when the real blue colla he-rows show up at Saint Vincent College in Lay-trobe PEE-A. I have folded up my holy relic The Tear-bull Tahl and placed it gently in its off season home. (An old Iron City box that once held 70’s championship commemorative cans of Iron City)

/waiting outside for the beer distributor to open at 8:00

With the start of Buccos season yinz should be prepared to expect much fluidity and failure. The Buccos will Shirley spend some portion of the season winning games and drawing you in like a moth to the flamer. But it is a trap. They only live to break the heart of Yinzers time and time again.

/picks up a case of Old German, rips open case and pulls out a beer to chug on the way to the cashier

The Buccos are too cheap to compete. It just come dahn to the fact that they will not spend money on a quality product.

/pays for the $11.50 case with mostly change

Without a quality ownership group the Pirates are doomed to wallow in the muck and do nothin’ but disappoint a city that is accustomered to winning championships.

/puts the case in the back seat but keeps two fresh cans out in the front

With the upcoming season there are some highlights to which I will be holding deer. The Buccos have a couple players that begin to show that they can be scrappy and will make for a brighter two-mah-rah. Neal Walker, da burgh’s favorite son, is clearly the Maz reincarnated and sent by the Beautified soon-ta-be Holy Saint Bob Prince to save this once proud baseball Frenchfries.

/does not know that Bill Mazeroski is not only still alive but was at Spring Training

Walker will be hitting .360 this season and will clearly be a golden gloves man for years to come. Cutch is like watching the god Mercury or my old Mercury Cougar run the bases. The man can stretch singles inta homeruns. His athlete-is-ism makes me wish we could turn him into a Yinzer version of Prime Time and have him interceptin’ balls for the Steelers legendary Hall of Famer and Holy Patron Saint of the Goal Line Stand Dick La-Bow.

/parallel parks his car more by feel than with the mirrors

So yinz may be wonderin’ after all that doom and gloom how the Buccos are gonna finish this year. Well I see this team as like a Ponty-ack Trans-AM. Yinz know how that classic piece of American Arn da Trans-AM is real quick off the line but if there is any rain or anything slippy aht that the back end gets all squirrely n’at. Well this team has the power to get going but is too lose aht back to get anywhere. It’s just too slippy aht there for the Buccos.

So the Buccos will finish second in the division with an 80-82 season… and I ain’t jagging yinz.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn: Pitt Leading the Way

In a blatant ripoff of KSK’s Tommy from Quinzee (we really don’t have readers anyway), Daddy’s Sugar Ball presents to you Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn who comments on the #1 ranking of the Pitt Panthers in the recent investigation by Sports Illustrated and CBS into arrests and police records at D1 football programs. Take it away, Sal.

The problem with da Pitt Panthers ain’t just about the fact that they go around throwing jagoffs through plate glass windas and drinking Arn City like water. No the real problem is they are losin. Pixburgh is a drinking town with a football problem. We want players who can toss a man through a winda if he has-ta.

/jaywalks through a busy intersection and nearly causes a fourteen car pileup

The Panthers should be number one in thug-ger-ation and police-blotter reporting. You think you can win power Western PA type football with a bunch of nice guys who hold their pinkies out while drinking tea n’at? Horseshit! You need men who drink beer by ripping the top of that can of with their bare hands.

/refuses to attend Panther games unless it is against Notre Dame

Truth be telling yinz guys that the only problem with Wanny and company is the failure to be the winner that Steeler Nation demands. Failure is not acceptable.

/adjusts his Pirates cap

Going 7-5 in the soft as Isley’s chipped ham Big East is what is the problem; not having nearly a third of the team cuffed up since summer. Losin to the queers from West Vergin-ya is completely and udderly unacceptable. Losin the backyard bra is like watching one your dog get smeared by a Trans Am. You are sad for the dog and horrified by the potential injury to a classic piece of American Arn.

/keeps his dog chained outside 24/7/365

A couple summary arrests for aggravated battery, public intoxication, and urinating on various parts of the Golden Triangle should be considered the cost of running a successful program. I be on-nard to have any Pitt starter come and matriculate on my lawn or the back wall of the American Legion alongside me any day.

/pulls a warm Genessee from his coat pocket and pounds it

I blame Pitt’s AD and the Chance-Lor for failing to protect these athletes. No wonder they stink. They were always worried about getting caught up in a police sting or trapment every time they decide to dispense some South Side barroom justice or want to relieve theirselves into an open foreign convertible.

/wipes mouth with his two sizes too small Great White 1989 World Tour t-shirt

So there yinz have it and I ain’t jagging ya.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Bucco Bandwagon with Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn

In a blatant ripoff of KSK’s Tommy from Quinzee (we really don’t have readers anyway), Daddy’s Sugar Ball presents to you Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn who takes solace in the Steelers’ Super Bowl loss with a hopeful look ahead to the Pirates’ upcoming season. Take it away, Sal.

Well the Stillers could not beat the Packers. Color me sur-prized.

/openly wept into his Terrible Towel during the game

The Pens are lozin left and right due to the NHL’s garage league men-tal-it-tea.

/wore a Jagr jersey to a wedding last summer

The league does not respect the free flowing, fast paced hockey that only true hockey purists like me self and millions of other Steeler Nation Yinzers can appreciate. The garbage we witnessed on Friday night at the hands of those Long Island fags is proof that they are notin but a bunch of jagoffs. The league hates Pixburgh and clearly wants to destroy ar team. Sidney should just skip the rest of the season and commence Operation Shutdown.

/lights up a Paul Mall inside Wal-mart ten feet from the exit on his way out to the parking lot

Lucky for me and the rest of Yinzer Steeler Nation pictures and catchers started today at high noon. This is the year the Buccos will make right by those who have been the most loyal, most dead-dic-tated fans in all of baseball. This is the year the Buccos win the division and surprise the entire you-naverse.

/only attends Pirates games black out drunk and heckles players and fans throughout the game

With the recent tragic deaf of former Buccos Manager Chuck Tanner the Pirates now have something to play for. Chuck Tanner was like Hall of Famer St. Dick Le-Bow to that Fam-a-Lee Championship Buccos. The Pirates will raise the Jolly Rodger more times this season than the last two combined. We will win games that there-to-four were not winnable due to the curse of Jim Leyland.

/lights one cigarette off another

Tanner’s departure to the big Three Rivers Blast Furnace Stadium in the sky exercised ar demons. We will win. We will be great again. The days of baseball fans laughing at ar baseball Steeler Nation are oval.

/puts out his red Jason Kendell jersey

Now is the time to get on the Bucco bandwagon. If yinz try to get on the bandwagon after today you will be shot. We will eject you from the bandwagon and we can smell ar own.

/probably smells like Iron City, pastrami, cigarettes and cabbage

Now for the boldness prediction as only a true yinzer can bring: The Buccos will win 96 games this year. You hear it here first and I ain’t jagging ya.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn

In a blatant ripoff of KSK’s Tommy from Quinzee (we really don’t have readers anyway), Daddy’s Sugar Ball presents to you Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn who shares his thoughts about the upcoming Steelers/Ravens playoff game. Take it away, Sal.

So yinz guys axst to hear ‘bout how great the Pixburgh Stillers are going to be dis Sunday when they take dahn those fuckin Rat-Birds. Well yinz came to da right place, I know more Stillers than Stan, Guy, Bill Hillgove and God rest his soul (crosses self) Marn Cope combined.

/picks up case of Iron City, but puts it back after he see that Old Milwaukee is on sale

Dis team, like every great Stillers team, is about Dee-fense. Blue colla Dee-FENse. First, is the Hole-y Saint Dick LA-Bow. If Jesus Christ were puttin’ together a Dee-fense he would ask LA-Bow to run it. Father Flee-gan dahn at Saint Per-Pet-You-Wal Heart of Sar-ra is going to get him cannoned an n’at dahn nair in Rome. A LA-Bow Dee-Fense is a Bew-D-ful thing.

/cracks open a beer while driving his Pontiac Bonneville

Troy and the boyz ‘junna pound that jag off Flak-O into the CEEE-ment for sixty mints. That Flak-O, he is clearly a fag. Pixsburgh has a way of flushing out those queer quarter-fags. We know one when we see one. Flak-O is one perv in the moldness of Kerdell Stewrt. Burghers don’t stand for that kinda mist-ongany.

/refuses to use his turn signal

Ya’ gotsta r’member that the Stillers Blitz-burgh style has been constructed by the all time greats of Pixburgh football Emperor Noll (genuflects), Bill Cahr, and the de-vine intervention of the all powherful Tear-ble Towel. Dis team is ichin to unleash hell just like Mean Joe Green and Jack “Dobre Shunka” Ham.

/crashes through chair he set up to save snowed in parking space

The Rat-birds are gonna get ate’n alive and blowdup by the su-peari-or tackling POW-er of the Stillers.

/spills beer on his Def Leppard T-shirt

On the Affensive side of the ball the Stillers need to run the ball. Passing is for those fancy pants teams that show off and ain’t blue colla like the hunkies of western PA.

/thinks running the ball outside the tackles is for pansies

Final Score…Stillers 35 B-more 6 and I ain’t jagging you.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat