DSB’s Favorite Football Bad Asses of All Time

I’m old enough to admit that I grew up watching The A-Team television series and no matter how they tried to convince me and my friends, we knew the B.A. in B.A. Baracus stood for Bad Ass (and not Bad Attitude). So to mark today’s release of The A-Team movie on DVD (and god, how I wished we were being paid by 20^th Century Fox for that plug), we wanted to compile DSB’s favorite bad asses from the world of pro football (in no particular order):

Chuck Bednarik (left)
“Concrete Charlie” was the last two-way player in the NFL and even in his eighties, Bednarik is still critical of today’s players calling them “pussyfoots” for playing on only one side of the ball. He also questions the modern football player “suck(ing) air after five plays” and that they “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma”.

Ray Nitschke
A metal tower on the Packers’ practice field once fell over on top of Nitschke and Lombardi barely stopped practice, “He’ll be fine. Get back to work!” Savage and ferocious as a middle linebacker, Nitschke was also rumored to have been able to take the lugnuts off a car with his teeth.

Rocky Bleier
Bleier was drafted into the Army after his rookie season and endured shrapnel wounds to his right leg that doctors told him would prevent him from ever playing football again. After working his ass off for 2+ years, Bleier did indeed return to the Steelers and the NFL and played on four Super Bowl champion teams.

Bronko Nagurski
Nagurski was the only person to ever earn All-Pro status at three non-kicking positions as he was a dominant running back, a standout defensive lineman, and a powerful offensive tackle. In his prime and because of money, Nagurski became a professional wrestler and was a three-time heavyweight champion. After six years away, Nagurski returned to the Bears for one more season and carried them to the 1943 Championship.

Ronnie Lott
Instead of rehab or surgery which would have caused him to miss games late in the 1985 season, Lott had a team doctor amputate the tip of his injured, right pinky finger.

Dick Butkus (right)
Butkus was one of the angriest, most ferocious, feared and intimidating players to ever play the game of football. Steve Sabol said of Butkus, “His career stands as the most sustained work of devastation ever committed on any field of sport, anywhere, any time.”

Jim Marshall
Marshall played defensive end for 282 consecutive games in 19 straight seasons despite pneumonia, an ulcer, and a shotgun wound to the side. In 1971 and in the middle of his career, Marshall also survived being stranded in deep snow in remote Wyoming as one of 16 people on a snowmobiling trip. He described the experience as “the toughest thing I’ve ever encountered in my life.”

Jack Youngblood
During the first half of a divisional playoff game against the Cowboys, Youngblood’s left fibula snapped above the ankle but he got the trainers to tape him up so he could play the second half (even recording a sack). Youngblood proceeded to play in the NFC Championship game and Super Bowl the following two weeks using a leg brace. If that wasn’t bad ass enough, the future Hall of Famer also played on the broken leg in the Pro Bowl as well.

Marion Motley
Besides being a fearless runner who punished tacklers and still holds the all-time record for yards per carry (5.7), Motley was also an outstanding pass blocker and played linebacker on defense.

Jim Otto
Otto competed in 308 consecutive games and never missed a single game including pre-season, regular season and post-season due to injury. Otto’s body has paid the price as he has had nearly 40 surgeries, including 28 knee operations and multiple joint replacements. In retrospect, he says he wouldn’t change a thing if given the opportunity to do it over again, “Football is tough. You want to spell football: T-U-F-F. It’s not for weak-hearted guys. It’s a tough sport. If you want to get into something else, play with the girls.”

Jack Lambert (left)
Lambert personified the Steel Curtain defenses of the ’70s with his extreme tenacity, toothless snarl, hitting ability, and intimidation.

Pat Tillman
In the wake of 9/11, Tillman turned down $3.6M to enlist in the Army Rangers with his brother. While serving multiple tours of combat duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, Tillman was tragically killed by friendly fire.

Lawrence Taylor
Before Nutrisystem and Dancing with the Stars made him a shell of his former self, LT was the most dominant defensive player of his generation like a caged animal waiting to get out. John Madden once said of Taylor, “Defensively has had as big an impact as any player I’ve ever seen. He changed the way defense is played, the way pass-rushing is played, the way linebackers play and the way offenses block linebackers.”

Deacon Jones
Jones defined the position of defensive end in the NFL and was the first pass rusher to use a vicious and lethal head slap (since banned) to give himself a headstart on rushing the quarterback.

Jim Brown
Brown played football and lived by the philosophy, “Make sure when anyone tackles you he remembers how much it hurts.” If I was headed down a dark alley in the wrong section of town, there are very few men other than Brown I would want leading the way.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: The Mall Santa

Why he is a jerk:
As loyal DSB readers are aware, I am a new dad. I have a five month old girl and while not drinking heavily to cope with this fact, I am trying to raise a little girl in a fashion that is both socially acceptable and keeps her from becoming a stripper or Lexi Belle. When December flipped over on the calendar Mrs. Bearcat asked me when we would be taking ‘lil Ms. Bearcat to meet Santa Claus. (Meet him? Why, so that she can throw up on him? I thought) Excellent idea.

So naturally we went out and purchased a little red velvet dress with black patent leather shoes. My daughter looked cute as a button and was ready to have her picture taken with the local mall Santa. I do not consider myself to be a professional photographer by any stretch of the imagination but given the state of new digital technologies by camera makers I can crank out some damn fine pictures. As we prepare to stand in line for the Santa visit I start to set up my midrange Canon point and shoot camera when suddenly Mrs. Bearcat points to a sign next to me titled “Pictures with Santa Packages.” They ranged in cost from 20 dollars at the low end to over a hundred bucks. I quickly glanced at the sign and simply smiled and pointed to my camera. Mrs. Bearcat, who has an eye for detail, then pointed to the boiler plate language at the bottom of the sign that I had conveniently ignored which stated that all types of photography were “strictly forbidden beyond this point.”

Now I have a problem with authority. I also have a problem with things like “strictly forbidden” and barriers like “beyond this point.” My wife know this. I immediately pull out my collapsible, travel-sized soap box and start railing about the cost of having the Mall Santa’s pizza faced Elves taking the pictures. “I am NOT paying 20 bucks for four wallets photos of that guy holding my daughter who in all likelihood will descend into a spiral of tears and spit up.” And saying things like “Screw it! What are they going to do confiscate my camera?”

Mrs. Bearcat has a conscience and a belief in “the rules.” So naturally this turned into an embarrassing situation where I was getting pissed off at the Mall Santa for fisting me sideways through my wallet and the wife was getting pissed off at me for deciding that the rules do not apply. We spent the next 20 minutes in line staring at each other with her unspoken disapproval and my “I am not shelling out money for THIS” crossed arms defense. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat spent the time chewing on her new shoe and foot with glee.

Now it is our turn. ‘lil Ms. Bearcat was an angel for Santa. I like having “relations” with my wife so naturally my Canon remained in my pocket and the traditional need to record for posterity every event in a first child’s life cost me 45 bucks. (But we need an 8X10!)

As for the Mall Santa, given my five-month-old’s natural lack of communication skills the “visit” lasted about as long as the free sample tray in front of Panda Express. One picture where she was showing zero emotion and BAM we are done. Could we even try to get her to smile? For this Mall Santa, you are stuck shelling out coal for the next eighteen days in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…Bearcat

Dueling Running Diaries: Steelers vs. Ravens

Around 8 o’clock last night, ZJ convinced bullied Bearcat and Max Power into separately doing running diaries of the Steelers/Ravens Sunday Night Football clash. How he got out of doing one we’re not sure.

This could either be something genuinely unique and funny or an unmitigated train wreck never to be done again. Remember, Bearcat and Max had no interaction during the game but we present it to you as one continuous diary. Enjoy!

8:20 BEARCAT – Welcome back to another Running Diary… I have a crazy important day at work tomorrow that I should be preparing for, but instead I am watching the Steelers vs. Ravens and giving you a breakdown of the game because ZJ demanded I do another one of these crappy, tired old posts. Expect lots of drinking (more drinking if the Steelers go south), multiple references to the fact that the Ravens dance and that Ray-Ray stabbed a man.

8:21 MAX – I ask ZJ if he would rather have a running diary of the Sex and the City movie currently playing on USA Network. Carrie and Mr. Big get hitched in this one!

8:23 BEARCAT – Faith Hill could use at least another cup size. If she were a solid C or D she would be way more tolerable with this crappy SNF intro…

8:24 BEARCAT – What the hell is with that black dress she wears that is longer in the back than it is in the front? That is a stupid look.

8:26 MAX – In his pregame analysis, Al Michaels states that he knows both teams are making reservations for the hot tub tomorrow. For the Steelers’ sakes I sure hope it’s a Hot Tub Time Machine and they send an effective offensive line back in time for tonight’s game.

8:26 BEARCAT – Al Michaels is talking about “signature wins”. What is this the BCS? Who cares if all your wins come against inferior opponents? This is the NFL. Every game is weighted the same.

8:27 BEARCAT – James Harrison was just flagged 15 yards and fined 10K for calling tails in a fashion that intimidated the referee.

8:29 MAX – I think Tron: Legacy might be unwatchable. Not in a “bad” way, but in a “I’ll need retina surgery afterwards” way.

8:31 BEARCAT – Al Michaels has mentioned Ben’s specially fitted shoe 5 times already. If you took the under on that one you will lose.

8:31 MAX – How did the Church of Latter Day Saints’ disciple Todd Heap not go to BYU? Instead, he went to noted party school Arizona State. There must be lots of hot Mormon ass in the Phoenix area.

8:32 MAX – During the introductions for the Ravens’ offense, Michael Oher said his hometown instead of his college. We’ve all seen The Blind Side. We know he went to Ole Miss because Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw pushed him to go there. Why hide it? “Yer changin’ that boy’s laahfe. No. He’s changin’ maahne.”

8:32 BEARCAT – First flag of the night holding on the return by the Ravens. The referees are starting right off with the flags. This certainly will have no effect on the flow or nature of the game.

8:34 BEARCAT – The Unibrow gets sacked at the five yard line… 90% sure Ziggy Hood got some penetration on that one. Collinsworth confirms that the Steelers’ defense had “solid penetration” on that play.

8:35 MAX – Carrie and Samantha just had cosmopolitans. ZJ threatens to use rope, duct tape, and claw hammers to compel me to do a running diary of the Steelers’ game.

8:38 BEARCAT – I am pretty sure Terrell Suggs has a bottle of Clorox with him on the field in case he needs to attack someone.

8:40 BEARCAT – Ben has a broken nose… no problem though, not like there would be a flag on that play. If that was Tom Brady that would have resulted in the NFL holding a firing squad execution during the half behind the stadium.

8:45 BEARCAT – Fake punt by the Ravens blown by a false start. Very Bengal-like. Color me impressed.

8:48 MAX – Michaels and Cris Collinsworth keep talking about the “pistol” formation that Pittsburgh is using early in this game. Yet neither of these idiots has mentioned that it might be entirely because of his foot injury even though that’s all they’ve been talking about since they came on the air. Nice job adding two plus two, jagoffs.

8:53 BEARCAT – Half expected James Harrison to say that he was from Fined Repeatedly University… I’m a little disappointed.

8:54 BEARCAT – Another false start. Did someone forget that Michael Oher was taken in by a white family and saved from a life of drug and violence on the streets? You know they made a movie about it and everything. He does not false start he just has a predisposition to protecting people.

8:55 MAX – Steve just told Miranda that he cheated on her with a one night stand. ZJ approves of Steve getting some strange away from that uptight bitch, but he is still becoming increasingly infuriated with my lack of commitment to this running diary.

8:56 BEARCAT – Ben has a tampon shoved up his nose. Probably not the first time but certainly the first time he did not have to pay for the pleasure.

8:58 BEARCAT – Michael Oher just held Harrison back like he was an exploding airbag… No flag.

9:00 BEARCAT – Still waiting for someone to call this a “two chin strap game”. I thought it was part of the NFL broadcast agreement…

9:01 MAX – The Unibrow finds a wide open Anquan Boldin in the end zone for the game’s first touchdown. To celebrate, Flacco goes over and hugs his offensive coordinator, a smiling Cam Cameron. Cameron’s not happy about the touchdown…he’s just happy no one remembers his 1-15 head coaching stint in Miami.

9:01 BEARCAT – Baltimore scores… Bouldin was so open he had time to make a sandwich before catching that ball. Time to drink. First beer of the night is Tumbler by Sierra Nevada. Highly recommended. 7-0 Baltimore.

9:05 BEARCAT – It is 34 degrees for the game tonight. Al Michaels is acting like it is Ice Bowl Part II. If he starts bitching about that new fangled rock n’ roll he might be able to sound just a little bit older.

9:08 BEARCAT – Al Michaels: “Ben lined up in the half shot gun tonight; the pistol if you will.” I want to put a pistol to my head. I would mute the TV but I have to write about this crap for you, the DSB Army.

9:09 MAX – Collinsworth doesn’t know the difference between a “drama queen” and a “homecoming queen”. The only queens he’s familar with are the drag queens down on the corner that he pays $20 to for a blowjob.

9:10 MAX – Ooh…if I go to Blockbuster I won’t have to wait 28 days to rent Knight and Day and Charlie St. Cloud. No wonder Blockbuster is bankrupt.

9:12 BEARCAT – The McDonald’s commerical where the girl asks where breakfast comes from makes me want to nuke a Mickey D’s… First that girl is too old to wonder where breakfast comes from and second it is answers like that one (magic wands) that result in retarded kids.

9:16 BEARCAT – Ray-Ray looking extra murderous tonight… Must have stopped to stab a homeless man on the way to the stadium today. Not like anyone in Baltimore would notice.

9:17 BEARCAT – Terrell Suggs treats Ben like a family member and sacks him vigoursly. He then spends 2 minutes dancing in the backfield. If feels like half the Ravens should have attended Julliard instead of the U.

9:19 MAX – “I am an Eff Bee Eye Agent!” Point Break currently playing on Versus. I’m glad I have commercial-break options.

9:22 BEARCAT – Derrick Mason is hurt… someone call a geriatric physician.

9:27 BEARCAT – #RayLewis and #AnquanBoldin are currently trending on Twitter. They are also trending on the Baltimore City PD’s APB…

9:29 BEARCAT – Ben gets picked off. Need to refresh this beer. Next up: Duquesne Pilsner. A Pittsburgh beer to bring some good karma…

9:31 MAX – Al Michaels explains that the Ravens will get the ball at the 20-yard line since Josh Wilson’s momentum on his interception carried him into the end zone.

9:32 MAX – After a commercial break, the Ravens get the ball at the 2 and Michaels and Collinsworth completely contradict everything they said before they went to commercial while neither of them admit they were wrong a minute ago.

9:32 BEARCAT – McFadden is getting burned up and down the field tonight… That last play had to feel like Stallworth ran him over with a vehicle… oh, wait…

9:33 MAX – “Stallworth was involved in that accident in Florida where a man was killed” No Al, he wasn’t just “involved”…he was driving the car!!!!!!!!!!

9:36 BEARCAT – Al Michaels just tried to make a WikiLeaks joke… Surprised it was not an Enron joke.

9:40 MAX – They just showed a close-up of Big Ben’s bloody jersey from his earlier broken nose incident. How many STDs will the Ravens get when they come into contact with that?

9:43 BEARCAT – Right now I would love nothing more than to watch Hines Ward rip Suggs head off on a crack back block… this would make my night!

9:47 MAX – Citizen Watches have Eli Manning as their spokesman touting their precision and power. I’m not sure what he would know about either.

9:57 MAX– Back at the studio during halftime, Rodney Harrison likes what Baltimore’s defense is doing. Well, they are pitching a shutout. That’s astute analysis from Harrison.

10:00 MAX – How much is Toyota paying NBC to push that Tiny Football League crap on the viewing public every single week?

10:02 MAX – If a QB throws 11 interceptions in his last three games, wouldn’t most media members blame him? Nope, not with Peyton Manning. It’s because “everyone’s hurt”…poor Pey-Pey.

10:08 BEARCAT – Halftime is over… Next beer is up. Dogfish Head 60 minute IPA. Need to step it up for the second half. Desperately trying to avoid the Jameson.

10:09 MAX – Michaels just told us that Big Ben’s shoe is one and half sizes bigger than usual. Kinda like his penis in that Milledgeville college bar bathroom.

10:13 BEARCAT -Terrell Suggs looks like the Alien wearing a football helmet…

10:15 BEARCAT – Steelers get a 45 yard field goal. Lil Ms. Bearcat celebrates by spitting up enough vomit to fill a trash can. The girl is only 17 lbs of infant baby but somehow she just puked enough to halve her body weight. She giggles as I clean it up… 7-3 Ravens

10:24 BEARCAT – The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette posts to Twitter that the Steelers are down 7-0 at the half a whole 45 minutes after the end of the first half and after the Steelers scored to make it 7-3. Why would I look to Twitter for old ass info? This is why newspapers are failing.

10:25 MAX – “What’s that sign say? No bare feet. What’s that sign say? No fighting. What’s it mean? No fighting.” Caddyshack on CMT. I’ve seen this movie hundreds of times and it’s still more entertaining than this Steelers-Ravens game.

10:26 BEARCAT – The Ravens are up 10-3 and Cris Collinsworth appears to have left the booth so that he can give Terrell Suggs a HJ instead of just blowing him from the broadcast booth.

10:28 MAX – How come the smoking hot chick at the end of the Bud Light bank holdup commercial gets 5 seconds of airtime? The whole commercial should be about taking her hostage.

10:31 MAX – Rashard Mendenhall just ran sideways AND backwards to lose 3 yards on that play. He looked like Garo Yepremian on that carry.

10:34 MAX – From Michaels and Collinsworth, “Ray Lewis studies like a rookie…and hits like a tank.” They left out “kills like a murderer.”

10:37 BEARCAT – Heath Miller gets laid out with a helmet-to-helmet hit, but NO FLAG!!! The league is a mess. The officiating is indefensible. And now my cable is out but only for this game. Clearly this is a move by the NFL to repress my speech and to quiet my outrage about this bullshit!

10:41 MAX – Collinsworth just said how huge Heath Miller is in this offense and how tough it will be to replace him. What is he talking about? Miller is averaging less than 3 receptions a game and has only 1 TD this season. That’s nice research, Cris.

10:46 BEARCAT – My cable is still out… now I am following the game on Twitter and via the Steelers radio network.

10:48 BEARCAT – Cable back up… I am putting away the can of gasoline and matches.

10:49 BEARCAT – Terrell Suggs catches Mendenhall in the backfield and Collingsworth just ruined his pants. Now 10-6 Balitmore after Sushi gets the FG. If the Steelers want to win this game they will need to score a TD at some point.

10:53 MAX – Is it my imagination or does True Grit use the Inception *BRAAAAAAAAHMM* in their trailer?

11:05 BEARCAT – The NFL admitted that there should have been a penalty for nearly taking Heath Millers head off… That is good to know. I feel so much better now. I am sure Heath feels better knowing that too. It’s not like it was a game changing play or anything.

11:13 BEARCAT – Apparently our entire run game playcalling is made up of running Mendenhall between the tackles and into a sea of purple.

11:14 MAX – I sure hope Bearcat is writing about the action on the field. If not, this could be one of the worst things to ever go on DSB (and that’s saying something).

11:16 BEARCAT – Steelers choose not to go for it on 4th and 5. Sushi gets a great punt downed on the 4 yard line but is forced to kick it again due to a dumb penalty. The Steelers may not deserve to win this game.

11:17 BEARCAT – McFadden finally has good coverage on a wide receiver and he gets flagged for pass interference. The officiating in NFL games would be laughable if it wasn’t killing the games.

11:19 BEARCAT – Holy shit!!! Troy Polamalu just made the big play they needed! Strips the ball. On the very next play, Terrell Suggs attacks Ben around the head and face “trying to strip the ball” according to Collinsworth and yet no flag. WTF do you have to do to Big Ben to get a roughing the passer call?

11:23 BEARCAT – Touchdown… Redman with the catch and then fighting for the six yards he needed for a touchdown. Just awesome. 13-10 Steelers.

11:25 MAX – You know that Nissan commercial where the woman announces she’s pregnant and the husband goes out and “expands” his coupe to make it larger? Am I the only one who thought he was going out to the driveway to leave and never return?

11:26 BEARCAT – Dick LeBeau should unleash his defense. Make Flacco worry about getting destroyed by linebackers and safeties. Make him fear for his career and well being!!! I demand it!!!

11:32 BEARCAT – McFadden takes a colossally stupid pass interference penalty and my heartburn has reached volcanic levels. My spit could eat through a car bumper at this point. 1:14 left in the game.

11:32 MAX – After an on-field collision, Bryant McFadden needs assistance to get off the field. I’ve watched the entire game…he’s needed more assistance ON the field.

11:35 BEARCAT – Ravens go for it on 4th and 2 and Flacco throws it at an open receiver’s feet. Game over. Steelers win 13-10 and take control of the AFC North.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…