I purposely avoided the Home Run Derby pre-game crap because of our announcing team, though I did catch Train fire up the crowd into a raucous frenzy with an electric ukulele on their latest masterpiece. Ummm, WOW! Just kidding, they sucked. Now you know that you never have to see them in concert because the singer (Pat someone-or-other) is terrible live. Speaking of terrible, tonight’s broadcasting team consists of Chris Berman, Joe Morgan, and Bobby Valentine. Excuse me, but what happened to Steve Phillips? Did something untoward happen to him that he cannot attend and comment this year? How am I supposed to find out which hotels have the best road beef??
I hate the Home Run Derby with such venomous poison that I don’t even know who’s participating this year. Last year’s Derby lasted what, five hours? Six? All I remember is that it was like a death march. Anyway, I admit that I know some of this year’s participants, but not all. I know that Robinson “MVP” Cano pulled out because of a “minor back strain” or some bullshit like that, but I don’t blame the Yankees for forcing him to withdraw. He’s too valuable to participate and you don’t want him messing up his swing. The Derby is for three people and three people only: retreads, replacements, and Albert Pujols. Enough with an intro, let’s get to it!
8:16 Christ Almighty, let’s get started already. Chris Young steps to the plate without a ball cap and watches two fastballs down the middle. Quickly, it’s an 0-2 count. Oddly, he doesn’t strike out. I suppose the Diamondbacks aren’t worried about Young losing his strikeout swing.
8:20 With nine outs and just one homer, Young watches three pitches in a row. After the last one, the mic picks up him saying, “That ball was weird. That ball was funny.” He then proceeds to step out of the box with an astonished look and exclaim, “That ball just talked to me!” Young swings at a ball above his head for the final out.
8:22 Nobody shows warning track power like Vernon Wells. He finishes with one homer also. And he’s not wearing a ball cap. COINCIDENCE?!? We’re watching a pitchers’ duel tonight, boys! That reminds me, I wonder how well Jim O’Neill—Joe Mauer’s personal BP pitcher from last year’s Home Run Derby—is doing with the Pirates this year. He’s their #2 starter, right?
On a complete side note, Gus the Puppy Bulldog has already clawed at my new laptop while I was lying on the couch, so I’ve moved to a very uncomfortable hunch position, kind of hovering over the coffee table. This will be just great for my back. Gus proceeds to gnaw on the couch leg. The upside is that I’ve been paying so much attention to The Gustache that I’ve completely tuned out the announcing team.
8:31 Corey Hart wastes no time and belts two quick home runs in his first three swings to make Young and Wells look like fools. He didn’t stop there, though. As Joe Morgan so astutely points out, “he had five in a row.” That’s why Joe gets paid the big bucks. This is probably a good time to pick Hart as the favorite simply because he’s wearing a ball cap LIKE A BALLPLAYER SHOULD.
8:37 Hart ends his round with—I don’t know—11 or 12 homers. I wasn’t really paying attention. My mind was on figuring out how to stand without pain shooting down my back and getting a beer from the fridge.
8:40 Nick Swisher steps in the batter’s box, but the announcing team (heretofore known as The Jibber Jabberers) is too busy fawning over Alex Rodriguez to notice. Bobby V even has his hand on A-Rod’s thigh. I should point out that Swisher is barely wearing a ball cap – it’s just kinda sitting on top of his head. He looks like a cancer kid.
8:45 Swish ends with four home runs but more impressively, his cap never fell off his watermelon-sized noggin.
8:48 First beer cracked! The sound of the pop top can is music to my ears. We’re back from commercial with an aerial shot of Angels Stadium, which clearly shows the huge, gay Angels ball caps in front of the stadium. What’s the gayest stadium in the major leagues? Angels Stadium? Comerica Park? Enron Field Astros Park Minute Maid Park? Yep, it’s Minute Maid Park.
8:56 I’m pretty sure that Matt Holliday just batted. He probably hit about five homers. He’s likely dating Alyssa Milano now.
8:59 David Ortiz is about to step up. He’s either going to have a monster session or fail miserably. There’s no in-between, right? He steps to the plate without a hat. I’m going with two homers.
9:01 I should’ve realized that the 65-mph fastballs down the middle would speed his bat up. Papi hits three homers on his first four swings. Kids, this is why you don’t gamble.
9:12 I forgot that Hanley Ramirez was up because The Jibber Jabberers were busy yukking it up with Will Ferrell. He must have a movie to promote. I hate cross promotion as much as the next guy and you just know that these kinds of things are cooked up in a massive conference room in Los Angeles with 85 top ESPN execs, some who have ponytails.
But Ferrell delivers some great Harry Caray impersonations, as well as giving us the phrase “Home Run O’Clock.” That may be my next fantasy baseball team name. By the way, Ramirez is done with his round. I’m guessing … six homers? No? How many?
9:22 Miggy Cabrera is up. Ooh, he’s my choice to win it. A quick look at the TV reveals that he’s not wearing a ball cap, but I’m going with him, dammit. He or Cano will win the AL MVP this year, and I won’t consider anybody else. Adrian Beltre can juice up all he wants, but he’s not getting close to these two. A guy I work with is trying to convince me that Vlad Guerrero will win it. I asked him if he still believes in Santa Claus.
9:35 I think we’re starting Round 2, which means that four guys have been eliminated. Who’s moving on?! Someone tell me! I can’t rely on ESPN to tell me.
9:36 Oh. Its Hart, Ortiz, Ramirez, and Cabrera. Thanks for throwing me a bone, ESPN. Round 2 has a very Latin flavor, no?
9:38 First beer done! I blame this enthralling edition of the Home Run Derby for taking my attention away from my beer. Time to move onto a martini, featuring the Brandon Inge of gins … New Amsterdam!
9:40 The creepy euphemisms are starting to pour out of Berman now. Ortiz belts one and Berman gushes, “DRILLED! JUST DRILLED!” You don’t suppose he uses that in the bedroom, do you?
9:56 Ortiz hit 13 bombs in his round to give him a total of 21. He’s en fuego! Apparently, Cabrera went next and hit only like five, giving him 12 total. The reason I say apparently is because The Jibber Jabberers talked to Ryan Howard throughout Cabrera’s round, and the cameramen all forgot about Cabrera, too, so let’s go with five.
10:03 Hanley Ramirez is having a good round with eight nine so far in Round 2. Caliente! What are the chances Ramirez is a Yankee in a few years? Eighty-five percent? Ninety percent? There’s already talk of Jeter moving off shortstop, and you know that Ramirez would love to get out of the Marlin organization, particularly if it would strike a big blow to the team who drafted and dealt him, the Boston Red Sox. Bonus points to Ramirez after his round for flashing his Gatorade bottle at the camera in some not-so-subtle product placement. He’s made for New York!
10:10 Corey Hart steps in the box after a wait of nearly two hours to face a BP pitcher with the name Guerrero stitched across his back. Yeah, this isn’t fixed.
10:11 Hart swings at ten consecutive pitches in the dirt. Amazingly, he doesn’t hit any homers this round. This is a shocking turn of events. At least afterwards he gets interviewed by Erin Andrews, who’s wearing something out of the Eric Yoho Collection.
10:20 I just became aware that we’re in the Finals. Who knew? I’ve realized that the Derby, much like a child, is much more tolerable when you’re not paying attention. Big Papi is at eight home runs with just two outs in this round. I think he ends with 11 or 12, but who can tell?
10:28 The camera shows Big Papi on the sidelines with his 5-year-old son, Miguel Cabrera D’Angelo.
10:32 Hanley Ramirez approaches the plate with a lot of ground to make up. Hopefully this goes into extras!
10:37 The Gustache can’t take the excitement and retires for the evening.
10:38 Ramirez only hits something like five homers, so it looks like Big Papi is this year’s Home Run Derby Champion! Wow! What a rush of excitement! I didn’t realize ‘til just now that I’ve been holding my breath all night! It feels good to breathe again. We should do this again soon.
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
ZJ
Daddy's Sugar Ball 