DSB’s crack investigative team of chain smoking capuchin monkeys was on assignment covering the NHL negotiations meltdown… Here is what they uncovered.
NHL Owners: So we have a problem guys. We cannot control ourselves. We have a pathological need to throw huge sums of money at players. We especially love to do it to middle of the road players that will never be a house hold name. Also we have expanded the league too far. We have teams in places that will never embrace hockey. So basically what I am saying Players Union is that we are too stupid to run this sport. We need you to stop us from catapulting large sacks of money at you. We can’t stop ourselves so we need you to legally bar us from giving you more money. Also those insane contracts we just gave you a couple months ago… those contracts for 18 years and with insane guaranteed dollar amounts. Yeah those… we don’t want to abide by them.
Players Union: Hmm… I do like having huge sums of cash thrown at me. It is pretty nice. I do agree that you are really stupid but I can see that I will still make an insane amount of money even if I hand cuff your purse strings. I think a 50/50 split of hockey related profits is a fair deal. Can we go back to playing hockey?
Owners: 50/50 sounds pretty good.
Fehr: YOU CAN GET MORE! We are getting close. Time to ask for more stuff and to really screw this thing up!
Scott Hartnell…Human Garbage
Players: Oh right… I am just as stupid as you are! I nearly forgot. I want a make whole remedy. You need to pay me for games that were canceled. You can’t just walk away from all those game checks this season. I want paid for games I did not play.
Owners: Well… that seems like of excessive but I want a deal. I will give you some of your make whole remedy request. I am not going to pay full price for games you did not even play. We have lost at least 25 games off ever schedule this season already.
Players: Um… okay. I think we are really close. But first I want to go out and do some PR because that is where deals get made not at the bargaining table. I need to go out and tell the press we are really close and get everyone’s hopes up. More importantly I can watch Fehr inflate his self-importance and get some camera time.
Bettman: THE PLAYERS ARE TOTALLY SCREWING YOU! They also were looking at you funny. They are going to get some good press and look like they helped get a deal by being reasonable. STOP THEM!
Owners: Oh shit! Nuke this deal. Do it NOW. DO IT VIA VOICE MAIL!!! Now Bettman, go out there to the media and justify how you are doing a good job while having two protracted work stoppages in eight years. Now gentlemen lets go drink some infant blood and smoke cigars rolled between the thighs of virgins.
Thanks for coming by and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat
Daddy's Sugar Ball 