Sports News the DSB way…

I Lost to a Chicken in Tic-Tac-Toe

From Peter King’s latest Monday Morning Quarterback column comes this disturbing nugget of information that doesn’t involve Peter’s most recent colonoscopy. The NFL’s new Vice President of Officiating, Carl Johnson, is “sometimes so overwhelmed by the subway in Manhattan that he just walks 20 minutes to work.” I’m glad to see the NFL hired a man too dumb and too scared to figure out the NYC transit system to be in charge of all of their officials. How do you think Carl the Slackjawed Yokel is going to figure out the league’s new overtime policy if he can’t read a subway map? I fully expect the winners of overtime contests to be decided by a game of Musical Chairs if Carl has anything to say about it.

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Southern Cal Athletic Director Mike Garrett released a statement saying that no player, coach or staff member will take part in an NCAA basketball pool because it is considered gambling. In doing so, he fired a big shot across the bow of the crosstown rival UCLA Bruins whose head coach Rick Neuheisel lost his job at Washington for this very reason, “There have been several notable examples of college athletic department employees who have broken this rule, and we’re fortunate we have those examples to teach us all that the only way to do it is the right way. So our athletes and staff must act like Trojans and do the right thing, because it’s not worth jeopardizing eligibility or damaging reputations over a few dollars in a tournament bracket.” Don’t forget that Garrett is also the same man who has been in charge while the OJ Mayo and Tim Floyd debacle forced USC to self-impose sanctions on the basketball program. He’s also been asleep at the wheel for Pete Carroll’s dubious reign of the Southern Cal football team that included the Reggie Bush and Joe McKnight scandals. Mike…the phone’s ringing and it’s for you.

Paranormal Activity

It was revealed that the next team to be featured on HBO’s preseason documentary series, Hard Knocks, will be the New York Jets. Usually this show finds its drama through the struggles of rookies and veterans trying to just make the 53-man roster. But the Jets offer a number of compelling storylines from their star players and coach that make this season potentially the best. And none are as intriguing to me as Sexy Rexy unable to down his usual 7000 calories a day after his stomach stapling surgery. Remember this is a guy that has “tried” to cutdown in the past but he found that the lifestyle didn’t suit him. I fully expect to see night vision footage of Ryan eating pizza and mexican food out of dumpsters before getting violently ill because his lap banded stomach can’t deal with the copious amounts of grease and fat.

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

Around 9am on Tuesday morning, Dwight Gooden was involved in a two-vehicle crash in Franklin Lakes, NJ. Gooden was arrested and charged with driving under the influence of drugs, leaving the scene of an accident, and child endangerment as he had his 5-year old son in the car at the time of the accident. Let’s recap: He’s driving around at 9 o’clock in the morning…high on drugs…with his kid in the backseat. Yep, that sounds about right for Gooden at this stage of his troubled life. If I was Doc, though, I’d stay close by the phone because the Texas Rangers might need a pitching coach this year. We hear that manager Ron Washington is always looking for a “connection”.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Gay Update

After fifty years of critically acclaimed work on Broadway, composer and lyricist Stephen Sondheim will receive a very rare honor when he’ll have a Broadway theatre named after him.  The recently renovated Henry Miller’s Theatre will be renamed the Stephen Sondheim Theatre. The newly named theater has 1,055 seats and resides on West 43rd Street between Broadway and Avenue of the Americas. I reached out to resident Broadway enthusiast Max Power for comment but he was too busy practicing his jazz hands.  I will just assume that he approves of this move.

Gay Update #2

Rosie O’Donnell is reportedly positioning herself as a replacement for Oprah come September of 2011.  O’Donnell has created a syndication development company and is preparing to launch a new talk show in late 2011 just as Oprah goes off the air.  DSB reached out to O’Donnell’s camp to offer some advice as she begins her long journey back into TV.  First, stop getting your hair done at Supercuts. Secondly, stop buying your clothes at K-Mart…Raymond figured it out: “K-Mart sucks.” Finally, try not to look and sound like an overbearing bitch when people talk to you.  This can only help if you want a nationwide talk show.

M-I-C-K-E-Y…M-O-U-S-E

Miley Cyrus appeared on American Idol last night as she played mentor to the show’s 11 contestants as they tackle the Billboard #1 hits.  DSB had unprecedented access to the rehearsals for last night’s show and can report that Fox failed to air some of Miley’s best “advice” to the contestants: “If your Dad was responsible for the country music version of the Macarena, you would sound much better.”  “If you wanted to be a star, you should have gotten a contract from Disney as a toddler.”  “What are you? 23? I can’t believe I am working with senior citizens.” “Two words: Auto-tune.  It works for me!”

Will they try to make Wild Things 4 next?

Scream 4 has been confirmed to begin production this spring with horror director Wes Craven taking the helm as director. Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courtney Cox will reprise their roles for the upcoming reboot of the successful Scream franchise. For a franchise that was so fresh and relevant in 1996, by the time the third movie dropped into theaters in 2000 I was done.  Why exactly are they making a fourth iteration other than to try to reboot some failing careers?  Campbell and Arquette’s careers have survived about as well (and as long) as the slutty blond of your typical slasher flick. Needless to say I think this will bomb at the box office.

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

Recently clips leaked of Marion Barry’s upcoming reality TV show. Frankly I thought he already had a reality TV show back when the national news programs showed him buying cocaine from undercover officers, but apparently that did not count. So after getting hit with drug possession, tax evasion, DUI, stalking, and finally public corruption for a no bid contract with his girlfriend, Marion Barry is finally getting to tell his side of the story as TV cameras follow him thoughout his day as a DC City Councilman.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

It’s Pronounced “Youth in Asia”

According to the British tabloid, The Sun, Lady GaGa’s outfit for a transatlantic flight was so uncomfortable that it brought on the early stages of the potentially deadly deep vein thrombosis. After being advised by the flight crew to change her clothes, GaGa needed their assistance in removing the cumbersome black and yellow tape dress. An airline source said, “She was particularly miffed about ditching her heels. She was wearing them in memory of her friend Alexander (McQueen).” When’s the last time flight attendants were that helpful to you on a plane? They would have served the greater good by letting her blow up like Violet Beauregarde.

Least Surprising News of the Day

According to a New York Post report, Kate Gosselin is being a “total diva” on the set of Dancing with the Stars. Gosselin has been practicing in the basement of her Pennsylvania home, but during her short time in Los Angeles she snubbed other contestants and set herself apart because “she wants to be queen bee.” When DSB got in touch with the reality star to ask how this would affect her already limited time with her children, she replied, “Kids?  What kids?”

Celebrity Break-Up Part I

Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes announced through their law firm that they were separating after nearly seven years of marriage. The split came as a surprise to many and was categorized as “entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement”. Winslet has now been a part of two failed marriages to British directors. When reached for comment, the Oscar winning actress said that for her next relationship she was turning her attention towards sports and pop culture bloggers. At least that’s how I see the scenario playing out in my mind.

Celebrity Break-Up Part II: Fat Ass Strikes Again

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy finally confirmed the long rumored reports of their uncoupling. The Ghost Whisperer co-stars clarified their break-up wasn’t contentious and vow to remain friends. DSB got in touch with Kennedy to find out why the relationship fell apart and through his agent he shared the reasons, “Jen is a great gal but after a while I got tired of helping her whiteout the leading ‘1’ in the size tags of all her clothes. I realize people go to extremes to become a size 0, but that typically involves crazy diets and fitness regiments. Rarely does it entail altering the tags while stuffing your face full of Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter ice cream. They’ll always be a place in my heart and an indent on the couch where she used to be.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: Bill Simmons

Why he is a jerk:
Bill Simmons has had this coming for a long time.  Deadspin’s comments section and KSK love to poke fun at him.  Blogs everywhere love to point out when he is wrong or pounce on his Boston bias.  He has become an easy target.  It is fun to bring down the top dog.  Simmons jumped the shark for me at least a year ago.  Replaced by people that were actually fun and did not spend time trying to dream up inane sports and movie comparisons (That Celtics-Lakers game is just like the Boof and Scott Teen Wolf made out in the closet because…) Let me be clear; this is not about bringing down the most widely read sports “blogger” on the Internet or about going after ESPN as I have done in the past.

This is about giving Bill Simmons a label… Jerk.  Frankly, there are three incidents over the course of the past month that have forced me to welcome Simmons to The Jerk Store.

Exhibit #1: Bill Simmons’ February 5, 2010 Mailbag

Q: Is there anything more ludicrous than shared e-mail accounts for married couples? What are these morons thinking? What possible good could come from this? The only thing more ludicrous is Brad Childress getting extended midseason.
–Marty, Minneapolis

SG: For the record, I got that e-mail two months ago (well before the 12 Men In the Huddle Game). See, I’m all for the shared e-mail account for married couples. It’s an uncomplicated way of announcing to your friends, “We tell each other everything, so if you confide in one of us, just know you’re confiding in both of us,” and if you want to dig deeper, there’s a little “I caught him cheating on me and/or found hundreds of hours of Internet porn on his computer, so the only way I’m allowing him to even use e-mail anymore is if we share an account from now on.” Or as it came to be known in 2010, the Elin Nordegren Woods.

How Simmons can justify telling other men to share email accounts is stupefying. God forbid if anyone’s wives were to actually read Simmons’ column.  This is the most colossally stupid piece of advice that Simmons has ever provided to a reader.  I believe this is grounds for his man card to be revoked. Please, I beg of you our loyal DSB followers, never seek advice from the Sports Guy.  It has been brought to my attention that this might all be a joke but I doubt it.  He plainly states his position in the second sentence of his response.  This is completely unacceptable.  I do not have time to explain to you all the ways that this is horrible, horrible advice.

Exhibit #2: Bill Simmons’ ongoing feud with Keith Olbermann

Simmons during a February ESPN.com online chat said some really stupid things about Tiger’s return to golf and the need for a career comeback.  Simmons stated that not only would Tiger’s return be more difficult than the Ali exile during Vietnam and return to boxing but that “[During his comeback] Everyone was rooting for Ali.” Also the Sports Guy glosses over that whole racism and religious persecution thing for Ali.  It was all very smoothly done and then he went and as Deadspin said “Doubled Down on The Stupid” via a nearly 3,600 word column where he defended his prior retardary of comparing Tiger’s need to bang pornstars to Ali skipping on an unpopular war based on religious fundamentals.  The Simmons pile on was underway and none other than ESPN abortion Keith Olbermann (who I freaking hate with every fiber of my being) came out and made a reasonable and accurate retort to Simmons stupid and offensive comparison.  I had to actually agree with something Olbermann said.  I was nearly beside myself. I felt like my hair was on fire. I showered but I still could not get the dirt from this experience off.  My soul is damaged.

Exhibit #3: Bill Simmons’ Twitter Account

During the Oscars, Simmons was providing a running commentary on the awards show and the selections by the Academy.  Simmons even listed Jeff Bridges top five roles.  Guess which one did not make the list; Bridge’s career defining role as The Dude in The Big Lebowski. This had me believing that either Simmons was baiting his twitter followers or he was trying to be funny by leaving off The Dude.  No, instead moments later to what I am sure what a flood of tweets attacking his obvious omission, SportsGuy33 responded “Never saw Big Lebowski if only b/c it’s driven readers crazy since 1998.”  Wait what?  Simmons who defines his writing style based on the every man perspective and pop culture references has not seen The Big Lebowski?  Worse he is actively choosing not to watch it?  There are no words.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

You’re So Vain…You Probably Think This Commercial Is About You

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade because of emotional distress and harm caused by the E*Trade Super Bowl commercial featuring a “milkaholic” baby named Lindsay. Lohan is suing for 100 million dollars (that’s Dr. Evil-type money). Dina Lohan (Momma Lohan) said shortly after the advertisement aired that Lindsay called sobbing and saying “Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?” Lindsay is reportedly extremely upset and disturbed by the commercial. DSB after reaching out to legal experts regarding the damages has determined that 100 million dollars was requested since that’s the cost of her lifetime coke habit…adjusted for inflation, of course.

Least Surprising News of the Day

Eighties teen heartthrob Corey Haim was found dead in his Oakwood, California apartment this morning. Haim appears to have died of a drug overdose. DSB reached out to Corey Feldman, who will always be connected to Haim like no other, for a statement. Feldman, who was obviously shocked by the news stated: “Looks like this is the end of Haim and I using the line “Are you bi-Corey-ous?” to pick up women…”

More Least Surprising News of the Day

Sean Hayes, who is best known for playing the flamboyant and obviously out of the closet Jack McFarland on the hit TV series Will & Grace, finally came out of the closet himself in the out-coming issue of The Advocate. DSB reached out to Hayes’ publicist for additional comment on why it took so long for him to tell us what we already knew. Hayes responded that, “As a method actor, being Jack was just too gay. It took years for me to get back to a reasonable level of homosexuality. I have spent the past few years drinking Old Milwaukee, eating rare steak and reading Playboy. Only now am I am able to tolerate myself.”

Breast is Best

Andy Richter sat in for Regis Philbin on yesterday’s Live! With Regis and Kelly and joked about taking the fill-in gig because he “has children and needs the work.” Ripa asked Richter if he harbors ill feelings towards Leno and NBC to which Andy responded, “Yes. Yes I do.” BREAKING NEWS: Andy too is pissed at NBC!!! Richter and Ripa then quickly moved on to discuss the day’s news and sampled some cheese made from the breast milk of a NYC chef’s wife. I am not making this up.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB Exclusive – Who Do You Think You Are?

If you’ve watched any NBC shows recently, you’d have to be blind if you missed the commercials for their upcoming reality show Who Do You Think You Are?  Well if you’ve been holding your breath waiting, you can start to exhale as tomorrow night at 8pm the show has its series premiere.  Here is the description from NBC:

Viewers are invited to take an up-close and personal look inside the family history of some of today’s most beloved and iconic celebrities with NBC’s Who Do You Think You Are?
The seven-episode program will lead celebrities on a journey of self-discovery as they unearth their family trees that reveal surprising, inspiring and even tragic stories that are often linked to crucial events in American history.  Each week, a different celebrity takes a journey into their family’s past, traveling all over the world. Viewers are given an in-depth look into their favorite stars’ family trees, and each episode will expose surprising facts and emotional encounters that will unlock people’s emotions — showing just how connected everyone is not only to the past, but to one another.

I have been giddy with anticipation over watching this show.  Don’t get me wrong, I could care less that Spike Lee has a white cousin (burn!!) or that Matthew Broderick had family that lost their life on D-Day (so did a lot of other people, asshat).  But the celebrity’s ancestral story I am most looking forward to is featured on the premiere episode when we get to see Sarah Jessica Parker investigating her family’s history.  The crack research staff of chain-smoking capuchin monkeys at DSB have obtained the WORLD EXCLUSIVE on the first set of photos from Parker’s “big reveal” and we are proud to share them here with our loyal readers.

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Parker’s American roots can be traced back to her great-grandfather, Duke, who immigrated to this country when he was a young stud.  Here we see Duke standing next to other immigrants by the boat’s rail at Ellis Island in 1907.

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Parker’s relatives worked the land during the Great Depression and they only survived the bleak economic times because her great-uncle Rusty literally pulled the family through the fields behind him.  Here is a family portrait of them around this time in 1929 (Rusty is the one in the center).

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Through research, Parker discovered a long history of distinguished military service by her family.  Here is a photo of Trigger, her aptly named distant cousin, right before the Battle of Khe Sanh during the Vietnam War

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It also turns out that Parker has had relatives at most of the cultural touchstones of the 20th century.  Here’s her Uncle Red kicking out the stable doors with rock and roll during Woodstock’s 3 Days of Peace and Music.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Because Wearing Ed Hardy Makes People Hate You

Reality TV Dad and D-Bag Jon Gosselin has come out against ex-wife Kate’s upcoming appearance on Dancing with the Stars.  In a move that surprised no one, Jon said that the commitment to the dancing reality TV show will take Kate away from their children for several days a week yet he will not receive any additional custody.  Nannies will watch them instead of Jon.  DSB ran a highly scientific poll and determined that the American people by a score of 96% to 4% believe that Charles Manson would be a better fit to watch Kate’s children than Jon.

In “Put Out or Get Out” News

Bachelor runner-up Tenley Molzahn is claiming that she is still stumped as to why the Bachelor Jake Pavelka told her that they had no connection before dumping her in Monday’s finale of the ABC hit show.  DSB has reached out to the Bachelor star Jake Pavelka for a response.  After several phone calls Jake told us that “Tenley had a low gag reflex; if you know what I mean…” Enough said Jake. We totally understand.

Lady MacBeth Has a Better Reputation

Yes, that is Naomi Campbell attacking a camera…

Serial assaulter Naomi Campbell attacked her chauffer while he was driving her Cadillac Escalade.  She apparently was pummeling him in the back of the head while he was driving because he refused to snitch on Campbell’s boyfriend about his apparent cheating.  The chauffer whose head was beaten about also banged his head on the steering wheel and has bruising about the head and face.  DSB reached out to Campbell’s boyfriend for comment but Vlad Doronin (actual name) refused to comment sighting that he was afraid of the repercussions should he talk negatively of his “Dear, sweet Naomi.”  DSB in an effort to protect our readers suggests that if you see Naomi Campbell that you run for your lives.  That woman is one mean bitch and she will totally eff you up.

In John Mayer Hit That News

Jessica Simpson will appear on the Oprah Winfrey show today to discuss the fact that she was once John Mayer’s drug of choice and her often criticized weight.  We don’t have any news to report about this, but it seemed like a good opportunity to use the pictures you see above.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat