Sports News the DSB way…

Brady Gawt in a Fackin’ Cahhhh Wreck!! **

Tom Brady and Mistress #1

Early Thursday morning around 6:30 AM, Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady was involved in a two-car accident near the Back Bay area of Boston. Thankfully for millions of New Englanders who have already given up on the Red Sox, he was uninjured in the crash. DSB wondered where Brady was either headed to or coming from at that time in the morning. Here are some initial theories…we’ll keep our readers in the loop if we get to the bottom of this.

• Milking the goats takes place very early in the morning
• Just picking up a box of 50 freshly made Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins
• The Justin Bieber concert afterparty got crazy when they broke out the Mike’s Hard Lemonade
• Gisele is in New York City for Fashion Week – – that means his pick of the skanks at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel bar
• Only available time Brady could get in for his weekly mani-pedi
• Stayed up late at Wes Welker’s sleepover asking the ouija board questions
• Trying to get an early start to his day teaching at Comcast’s Xfinity College
• Blowjobs from Bill Simmons…must he say more?

** Headline stolen borrowed from Kissing Suzy Kolber

Advanced Hygiene 201: Use of the Loofah

Goddammit, man…wash behind your ears

The University of Tennessee’s football program has had a staph infection outbreak among several players. It’s gotten so bad that head coach Derek Dooley had to conduct a team-wide clinic on proper showering technique and hygiene. Dooley elaborated for the press, “We had, I told them, the worst shower discipline of any team I’ve ever been around. So we talked a little bit about application of soap to the rag and making sure you hit all your body. You know, you can neglect it trying to cut corners, and it shows in how you practice and elsewhere. I’m hoping we show some improvement in that.” That’s funny enough by itself, but DSB has learned that Dooley and his staff are inspecting every player’s underwear looking for skidmarks. Apparently, Dooley is chomping at the bit to conduct another training seminar on the proper technique to wipe your ass.

What’s Next…O.J. Simpson as Axe’s New Spokesman?

In the latest Old Spice Swagger commercial, Ravens’ linebacker Ray Lewis emerges from the shower in a blanket of suds and rides a giant raven away as it blows up Saturn. I don’t want to say that it is art imitating life, but someone should contact the Atlanta police because I’m pretty sure the raven may have also been involved in his getaway after Lewis stabbed and killed two people in 2000.

Brooke Hundley = Two Bagger

According to Deadspin, former ESPN production assistant and Steve Phillips’ mistress Brooke Hundley is now doing promotional work for the Giants/Jets games at the New Meadowlands Stadium. DSB reached out to Jets’ coach Rex Ryan for his thoughts on the new addition, “Hot damn…we got ol’ Stevie’s side piece working for us? She’s got a face like Brunell’s foot, but she can suck the chrome off a tail pipe. Keep her away from Nacho…ugly and psychotic, but willing to f*ck is the last thing that boy needs this season. Send her to Flacco’s hotel room with a bag a flour…I hear that he likes pussytubing fat chicks and he’s gonna need the flour to find her wet spot. If that doesn’t work out, I’m sure we can find a place for her on our offensive line.”

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

We Are…Drunk and Passed Out

Clint Gyory, Penn State student and the man inside the Nittany Lion suit, was charged last week with public drunkenness and criminal mischief in connection with an incident from earlier in the month.  Gyory was intoxicated with a BAC of .187 and passed out in the bed of a pickup truck when police cited him.  Penn State cheerleading coach Curtis White has taken action due to the allegations and suspended Gyory for one month.  DSB spoke with a number of alumni and season ticket holders for comment on the situation and they all shared the same sentiment, “Why suspend him for a month?  Isn’t making him feign interest in games against Youngstown State, Kent State, and Temple punishment enough?”

He Could Always Roll Crepes at The Magic Pan

On Tuesday, Aroldis Chapman made his major league debut for the Cincinnati Reds with an electric 1-2-3 inning where his fastball reached 102 MPH.  The 22-year old Cuban defector helped the Reds top the Brewers, 8-4, and extend their NL Central Division lead out to 7 games ahead of the St. Louis Cardinals.  In an attempt to temper the expectations of Reds’ fans, GM Walt Jocketty has released the following statement, “We’d like to announce that we have preemptively scheduled Aroldis Chapman for Tommy John surgery with Dr. James Andrews next June 12th.  We decided to plan ahead when we knew how much we were going to rely on him during our postseason run in 2010 and to begin the 2011 campaign.  Dusty Baker is our manager for chrissakes…it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

In a Sticky Wicket

The cricket world was shocked this week when allegations were made of match-fixing and rigged betting by the Pakistani team.  Scotland Yard is investigating the claims that Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir were paid to deliberately bowl no-balls during Thursday’s opening day of the fourth Test that England went on to win by an innings and 225 runs.  At his most recent money grab whoring autograph signing session, Pete Rose was seen cursing the news report when it was learned that he had laid down money on Pakistan getting 220 runs.

Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Cheddar Bob Plaxico Burress received bad news when the New York Department of Correctional Services denied his recent request for work release.  The decision could keep him behind bars until next spring when he becomes eligible for a full release if he is granted time off for good behavior.  DSB contacted the Oneida County Correctional administrator, Chief William Chapple, for comment about Plaxico’s time in his facility.  Chapple stated, “Mr. Burress has been an outstanding inmate during his time here.  The only complaints we have received have come during his time working in food preparation and service to the other inmates.  He has particular trouble keeping a firm grasp on the serving spoons and drops at least one a day.  Mr. Burress also appears disinterested and lacksadasical when his area is not the main course of the meal.”  So, nothing’s really changed much for Plax.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

I Knew the Bride When She Used to Stalk & Roll

Imagine that the movie “Fatal Attraction” didn’t end with Michael Douglas’ wife shooting Glenn Close’s deranged stalker, but with Douglas divorcing his wife and marrying Close. That’s how Kansas City wide receiver Chris Chambers’ version goes in what’s sure to give hope to all the bunny boilers and whack-jobs out there. Chambers married Stacey Bernice Saunders in Las Vegas less than one year after claiming in court that Saunders was stalking him and had made “abusive, vulgar and irrational” communications towards Chambers and his then wife. I can hardly wait to see how this blessed union turns out. I would advise ESPN park Pedro Gomez and a camera crew outside the Chambers’ residence 24/7 waiting for the inevitable fireworks.

Not Even in a 16 Team League

According to an UniversalSports.com interview, Brady Quinn’s current beard girlfriend, Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone, didn’t know who the Broncos quarterback was when he initially introduced himself to her at a charity fundraiser. She only later figured out who he was, “I went home and asked my dad if he knew who Brady Quinn was, and he said, ‘Alicia, he’s on my fantasy football team.'” Please consider this an open invitation for Alicia’s dad to join our fantasy football league whenever he wants…we can always use another weak and useless member who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

True Blood: Oakland

In a rare interview with Gil Brandt on Sirius satellite radio on Tuesday, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis went on record with effusive praise for his newly acquired quarterback, Jason Campbell, and compared him to a young Jim Plunkett. Davis pointed to Campbell’s 13-0 record at Auburn, but conveniently forgot his less than stellar run in Washington. That might have been a mistake as Campbell’s preseason debut last night against the Cowboys looked familiar to Redskins’ fans as he was 7 of 13 for only 49 yards while the offense produced zero points during his time on the field. DSB reached Al Davis and he revealed another comparison for this year’s Raiders, “I tell you what…that Cable guy I have coaching the team has quite the way with the ladies.  When he puts his hands on a woman, he really reminds me of a young Ike Turner.”

Why Didn’t He Consider Gaysport, Ohio?

Ben Roethlisberger’s displeasure with comments the residents and mayor of Findlay, Ohio made after his latest sexual assault incident have provoked him to change his hometown in the 2010 Steelers media guide. Per the Associated Press, Roethlisberger now claims the town of Corey Rawson as his hometown. One small problem for Big Ben is that the town doesn’t exist and is a fictitious, misspelled nod to a school district he once attended. Here at DSB we have a few other suggestions Roethlisberger might want to consider:

Whoneedsahelmet, Ohio
Bucktoothbimbos, Ohio
Shesaidno, Ohio
Jizzonthedoor, Ohio
Notayinzer, Ohio

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Ready for Motorboating

It must have been a cold day

On Tuesday it was revealed that golfer Phil Mickelson has psoriatic arthritis which causes intense pain in his joints and tendons that he struggles to walk. He initially felt the symptoms five days before this year’s U.S. Open, but a combination of stretching, walking and medication subsided the pain long enough for him to finish in fourth place. Mickelson is subjected to a weekly regimen of Enbrel shots that alleviate the pain and have brought the disease under control. No word on whether gynecomastia is or isn’t a side effect of these shots. DSB spoke with PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem who was concerned for Phil’s future when he said, “If Phil’s B cup moobs turn into Cs or higher, he’s going to have to join the LPGA Tour and become a lesbian.”

London Calling

Who should I have killed next?

The NBA schedule was announced on Monday and for the first time two regular-season games will be played in Europe. The Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will face-off in London at the O2 Arena in March in an attempt to expand overseas. NBA commissioner David Stern commented exclusively to DSB, “I know a few people in the State Department and I wouldn’t be surprised if both teams have passport issues when they try re-enter the United States. We’ve been looking at contracting a few teams and this seemed the best way of avoiding confrontation and bad publicity. I’m also here to announce that next season’s overseas game will take place in North Korea between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Minnesota Timberwolves.”

Now Pitching for the St. Louis Cardinals…Bruce Banner

On back to back nights, St. Louis Cardinals’ pitcher Chris Carpenter has looked and acted like a man teetering on the edge of some Steven Seagal-like destruction. Monday night, he reprimanded and lectured Brendan Ryan because the shortstop arrived late to the field to start the game and had to further delay when he grabbed the wrong glove. Last night during the bench-clearing brawl with the Reds, Carpenter mixed it up with ex-teammate Scott Rolen until both men were pushed into the backstop netting and eventually separated. Carpenter’s recent displays of his temper and rage are unusual, but the DSB research staff has discovered that for the last two games he has been mistakenly drinking out of the wrong water bottle clearly marked for a “M. McGwire”.

4th Place? You’re Fired

Your 2010 Darwin Awards finalists…

In these tough economic times, the organizers of the 2010 World Sauna Championships have taken bold steps in significantly reducing the event’s prize money. Instead of cash rewards, the sponsors have instead opted for trips, services, and products. For winning the event, Russian Vladimir Lazyzhenskiy was awarded a lavish funeral that covers the costs for transporting the body, the headstone, and burial. Timo Kaukonen on the other hand received an all-expenses paid trip to the ER for finishing second. Third place? A set of steak knives.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Not Yet a True Bengal

Terrell Owens took part in Cincinnati’s Thursday night practice after arriving much later in the day than expected when he missed an overnight flight.  The Bengals had anticipated an earlier arrival to take his physical, sign his contract, and conduct a news conference.  T.O. caught a later flight without an issue and arrived less than a hour before the team’s evening session.  If T.O. was a “true Bengal” in the tradition of current players Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, and Matt Jones, Owens would have been stopped by airport security trying to board the plane with a loaded .45 and a vial of cocaine in his carry-on.

Steve Bono is Still Waiting for His Phone Call

The New York Jets signed 39-year old quarterback Mark Brunell to a two-year contract to backup Mark Sanchez.  Brunell has been in the news lately as he recently filed for bankruptcy after mismanagement of his portfolio following a career of earnings above $50M.  While I feel sorry for Brunell and his predicament, aren’t the Jets being shortsighted for relying on a weak-throwing lefty who can barely toss it 20 yards downfield?  Seriously…Abe Vigoda has a stronger arm and more field vision than Brunell at this point in his career.

I am in Shape, Round is a Shape

The Washington Redskins’ $100M man, Albert Haynesworth, failed to pass a conditioning test yesterday when he couldn’t complete a third 300-yard sprint in a satisfactory time.  After a tumultuous off-season that has seen Haynesworth skip workouts and minicamps because he is unhappy with the Redskins’ switch to a 3-4 defense, new head coach Mike Shanahan put the defensive lineman’s fitness to the test before he could participate in practice with his teammates.  DSB reached out to Haynesworth for an explanation and he informed us that he lost precious time when the line at the hot dog cart was longer than he had expected.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Your Monster.com Search Results

Rumors out of Chicago have Tracy McGrady close to a deal with the Bulls to play alongside budding superstar Derrick Rose and free agent acquisition Carlos Boozer. Apparently, the Bulls organization is demanding a few provisions within the contract before an agreement with McGrady will be made such as issues related to his health and acceptance of a reduced role as a bench player. Through our sources, DSB has learned of other conditions the club is seeking from T-Mac. They include:

● Supplying every player with a towel and a cup of Gatorade when they return to the bench

● Writing a detailed synopsis of every “Real Housewives” episode to catch Kyle Korver up on what he misses during team practices

● Making sure Mr. Rose’s Maserati Gran Turismo gets two coats of wax for his big date at the lake with Jennifer Parker

● Claiming the weed is his if they get pulled over by the police in Joakim Noah’s car

The Hangover 2: A Night with Huggy Bear

During a recruiting trip in Las Vegas on Friday, West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins broke four ribs after he fell into a coffee table in his hotel room. Official word is that he tripped on “something” and the school has been quick to dispel the notion that it was related to any heart problem. Although not discussed, who would be surprised if alcohol was involved? Who doesn’t believe Huggins took a drunken spill after shotgunning a six-pack of PBR? I think I’ll only be shocked it it’s later revealed that the “something” he tripped over was a dead, coked-up hooker.

T.O. the Sequel?

Cowboys’ rookie wide receiver Dez Bryant is bucking tradition and refusing to carry the veteran players’ pads during training camp. WR Roy Williams isn’t taking the news well and said, “Everybody has to go through it. I had to go through it. No matter if you’re a No. 1 pick or the 7,000th pick, you’ve still got to do something when you’re a rookie.” DSB also discovered a list of other things Dez Bryant is refusing to carry:

● Wade Phillips’ plate back from the buffet

● A Jessica Simpson-used tampon that Tony Romo keeps for sentimental reasons

● Jerry Jones’ ballsack in the humid, San Antonio heat

● His mom’s money and drugs from a night of whoring

Vete a la Mierda, Mundo

Alberto Contador’s Tour de France victory on Sunday brings the title home to Spain for the third time in the last four years. The last few months have seen Spain become the center of the international sports world as they finally got the monkey off their back in the World Cup and that capri-wearing pansy Rafael Nadal won both the French Open and Wimbledon. Based on my highly scientific projections, I have already called my bookie over at Brick-Top’s and put my life savings on the Barcelona Dragons for this year’s Super Bowl.

There’s Only Room for One of Us in this Broadcast Booth

One minute until the funnel cakes are ready…

Yesterday, broadcaster Jon Miller was introduced as this year’s recipient of the Ford C. Frick Award at the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony. During his acceptance speech, Miller spoke of his career aspirations even as a young boy, “I just wanted a job where I could eat french fries while I was working, and here I am today.” I would say he was lucky enough to find the one job that would allow him to eat nachos, ballpark dogs, ice cream, and anything else he could stuff into his piehole in-between his ridiculous pronunciations of Hispanic names and Joe Morgan’s nonsensical ramblings.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Your Testicles and You

On Tuesday night, Rays’ outfielder Carl Crawford was forced to leave the game after he was hit in the family jewels with an attempted pickoff attempt at first base by Orioles’ pitcher Jake Arrieta.  To add insult to injury, Crawford was tagged out on the play as he lay writhing on the ground in pain.  Based on my days in little league baseball, I’m guessing Crawford has no idea what the capital of Thailand is.

Softball Players Do It With Bigger Balls

Easy on the eyes softball pitcher Jennie Finch announced that she would retire from the sport as a player next month.  She will end her playing career with games for the national team this week at the World Cup of Softball and then finish the National Pro Fastpitch season with the Chicago Bandits.  Raise your hand if you knew either one of those existed.  Finch is all set to spend the next 40+years of her life polishing her gold and silver Olympic medals, while her husband Casey Daigle reminisces about his 7.16 ERA in a pathetic MLB career.

We All Scream for Ice Cream

To celebrate their 65th birthday, Baskin-Robbins recently announced that it would be sending five flavors (Apple Pie a la Mode, Campfire S’mores, Caramel Praline Cheesecake, Superfudge Truffle and French Vanilla) into “deep freeze” from their usual array of 31 flavors.  Fans are so distraught with the removal of French Vanilla, that they have even created a Facebook page to save it.  However that will be unnecessary as DSB has learned that commissioner Jim Delaney is readying an offer to add French Vanilla as yet another member of the Big Ten. Membership will begin immediately as Penn State is desperate to have a “White Out” game on their schedule this upcoming season and French Vanilla seems like the obvious choice.

Second Verse, Same as the First

I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there…save me, Superman

Vikings coach Brad Childress stopped by Hattiesburg, Mississippi to visit quarterback Brett Favre and check on him nine weeks after surgery on his balky ankle.  Childress gave him no deadline and from the horse’s mouth, Favre is still undecided on whether he will play this upcoming season.  Thanks for that information, Captain Obvious. In other news…the sky is blue, water is wet, and I like internet porn.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

Max Power’s Favorite Coach Reacts To KC Getting the All-Star Game

George Brett is really excited to tell everyone about KC getting the 2012 All-Star Game…

Bud Selig officially announced that Kansas City will be hosting the 2012 All-Star game. DSB reached up to former Royal coach Hal McRae for his thoughts on the honor. We even got video of his reaction… although I am not sure he understood the question.

Hard Hits and Bong Hits

LenDale traded his shirt for a dime bag…

Former Tennessee Titan and Seattle Seahawk LenDale admitted to smoking the reefer (Surprise!) and is currently looking for work due to his drug usage and a pending four game suspension. LenWhale told a Nashville newspaper “I smoked marijuana; that is all I have ever done. That’s all I do, that’s it. I smoke. I don’t care about any other drugs, but it’s marijuana. But I have changed. I am a good man. Unfortunately the stuff that I did in my recent past caught up to me in the present and it’s affecting my future.” Incase you were wondering the “recent past” he was referring to was about three hours ago.

Rigged Even By NBA Standards

The Lakers and the Celtics (two of sports most storied franchises according to ESPN/ABC) will meet in an epic game 7 to decide who is the NBA Champion. The two biggest teams in two of the largest TV markets with the largest fan bases will play a game 7. In a league that is hemorrhaging cash, that desperately needed a huge series that would payoff for TV and in a league that has had more bad press on fixing games than any other doesn’t this just seem too good to be true? The NBA is basically studio wrestling at this point right?

They Were Made For Each Other

Keep them together… if there is any justice in this world they should be forced to live together.

Albert Haynesworth is unhappy with the Redskins and specifically Mike Shanahan who is looking to implement a 3-4 defense for the upcoming season. Haynesworth wants to play in a 4-3. Haynesworth who has collect over 32 million dollars of this 104 million dollar contract (41 of it guaranteed) is sitting out of practice and whining about wanting out of Washington. This is where Goodell should step in for “good of the NFL shield” and force Haynesworth to remain in DC. Dan Snyder deserves to be stuck with this ridiculous contract and Haynesworth should be forced to put up with the orangeman’s shit. Make Haynesworth into a nine figure janitor if you have to but force Snyder to pay him and force Haynesworth to be unhappy in DC (if that is possible with that much money).  It is only fair.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Sports News the DSB way…

If It’s In The Game…

DOUBLE BOGEY… I mean… MY NECK… OHFUCK, MY NECK!!!

EA Sports released Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 yesterday. EA’s Tiger Woods franchise is the largest selling golf video game of all time. This year in order to make the game more like the real life player on the box’s cover, gamers will only be able to play in Majors and Tour events that carry a major sponsor of Tiger Woods.  Also if the player is in danger of missing a cut or clearly out of contention the player can quit and blame it on a bulging disk without any negative repercussions.

Travel from Revis Island: Delayed

Darrelle Revis doing his best Wolverine impersonation…

Jets All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis returned to practice on Tuesday.  When DSB asked Rex Ryan if Revis had been sitting out voluntary summer practice sessions due to a contract dispute, Sexy Rexy responded, “Darrelle wanted to attend practice but he was unable to leave Revis Island due to travel restrictions connected to the Icelandic volcano spewing ash thereby grounding his plane.”

 

Oliver Twist The Truth
Following a brief investigation, MLB has cleared the Oliver Perez injury which placed him on the 15 day DL. Perez, who’s copious pitching problems have been begging for a break and rehab stint in the minors, was placed on the 15 day list just in time for Elmer Dessens to move into his locker. Perez was diagnosed with patella tendinitis. Tendinitis is basically impossible to deny. It is like being placed on the DL for depression. MLB is feckless and impotent.

Probably, Maybe, In All Likelihood

The Philadelphia Phillies are trying to get ahead of what is some pretty bad video.  Deadspin and other sites posted video of a young kid taking a swig from a bottle during this weekend’s Phillies game.  The Phillies are stating that they “can’t track down the young boy” and that the bottle is “probably empty.”  Probably no one believes this. Probably.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy‘s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Sports News the DSB way…

Needling the NFL

The SCOTUS jammed it about this far up my ass…

Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court provided a minor bitch slap to the NFL after upholding an appeal by American Needle in its anti-trust lawsuit. In a unanimous decision, the Court resoundingly defeated the NFL’s “single entity” theory which is a collective of owners made up in part of Jerry Jones, Al Davis and Dan Snyder was an obscene stretch.   Meanwhile, MLB enjoys the only anti-trust exemption in America and uses it on a nearly daily basis to screw over baseball fans.  Just another friendly reminder that baseball hates you.

Respect the Stern

That is right Mr. President you WILL pay…

In the executive branch of the Federal Government, the President who “doesn’t want to meddle” decided to do exactly that in telling the media that LeBron James should join his favorite NBA team the Chicago Bulls.  Stern decided that after fining NBA bomb thrower Mark Cuban 100,000 dollars for tampering after his LeBron free agency comments needed to protect precedent and is reportedly leveling a 100K fine against the resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Obama, not wanting to upset Stern or his guerillas, is expected to pay up by week’s end.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

This is why Wimbledon has a dress code…

Venus Williams won her opening set of the French Open but unfortunately due to her attire the match was ruled NC-17 and was not suitable for broadcast on television.
*The above photo is NOT photoshopped in any way

Always Bet On Black

Dear Seahawks fans: This man may very well be quarterbacking your team this season. Try to keep from completely losing your shit.

J.P Losman is said to be relishing his second third chance in the NFL with the Seattle Seahawks and his role as Coach Pete Carroll’s “project.” Losman who is coming off winning the inaugural UFL championship for the Las Vegas Locomotives (Hey, you just learned something!) was openly gloating about the size of his bonus from that game to reporters in Seattle. DSB’s crack research team of chain smoking capuchin monkeys has learned that the reason Loss-man was gloating was he had actually gambled his bonus check on black and doubled it to $5.80.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat