My friend and colleague Bearcat has few equals when it comes to heckling. For the last three months he has turned his attention to ripping Santonio Holmes whenever the former Steelers’ wide receiver tweets out on his Twitter account. What started out as frustration with Santonio’s time in Pittsburgh has quickly devolved into a relentless attack about his love of marijuana. Bearcat has been so persistent and ruthless that Holmes has recently blocked him. That might stop an amateur, but Bearcat is a professional.
I felt these were too funny not to share with our readers…
@santonio10: Late for workouts but its coo! Its not about how you start the race But how you finish
@billybearcat: Dumbass. This is why you were traded.
@santonio10: Happy Birthday MOM!
@billybearcat: I would visit but after the recent iPod/plane thing I’m on the Fed’s No Fly List. Sorry. 😦
@santonio10: I think I’m going to LOVE living in the NY/NJ area for the next 10yrs!
@billybearcat: Your career might last 3 if you stay off weed.
@santonio10: U gain something to lose something,
@billybearcat: I found a 40 in the back of the Escalade but lost my stash of buds… Unhappy face.
@santonio10: Watching UNDATEABLE MARATHON. Hilarious!!!
@billybearcat: After hitting your 10 foot bong…
@santonio10: I’m not convinced that I should trade my 2009 Range Rover in for the new 2010 Rover
@billybearcat: If you do; clean out all the weed first.
@santonio10: Sweet!
@billybearcat: I totally thought that was going to be a picture of a bong… Really I did.
@santonio10: Up, up, and Away!!!
@billybearcat: He is high as a kite!!! He really loves weed.
@santonio10: Why am I in Popeye’s in NJ and I see the woman with a mustache!
@billybearcat: Potheads love Popeye’s…
@santonio10: Lol I apologize people this iPhone types what it wants sometime.
@billybearcat: No you’re just high sometimes…
@santonio10: Why did my son just pass gas and can’t stop laughing!
@billybearcat: OMG your son is high too? Does he have a kid’s size bong?
@santonio10: Having an amazing time rite now laughing with my kids!
@billybearcat: Must be the “brownies”
@santonio10: Men lie, women lie, NUMBERS don’t!
@billybearcat: Weed sometimes lies. Sometimes you buy “good shit” that’s sticky but it’s oregano & honey.
@santonio10: Just finish lunch at Applebees with the boys. Headed home for a much needed nap!
@billybearcat: Smoking and the munchies make Tone tired…
@santonio10: Work out finish, now off to Toys R for Us
@billybearcat: I’m going to make a bong out of Legos!!!
@santonio10: Rainy day in Jersey, cause for dad and the boys to stay in and watch a funny movie tonight
@billybearcat: Half Baked while fully baked!
@santonio10: Thinking about how I’m going to takeover the world today! Ha Ha
@billybearcat: And you people think I’m joking when I say he’s always high.
@santonio10: I think the #10 is the best number to wear in sports. Anyone agree?
@billybearcat: It’s like wearing the # for a dime bag!
@santonio10: In bed watching the Lakers vs Celtics game 4!
@billybearcat: Nothing like cuddling up in bed with a joint and funions.
@santonio10: Peep my swagg ma don’t I walk like a ball playa!
@billybearcat: Weed. It makes you tweet shit like this
@usatoday_nfl: Ex-Titans, Seahawks RB LenDale White admits to smoking marijuana while in the NFL
@billybearcat: Was it with @santonio10?
@santonio10: Got the iphone app for vuvuzela and its great but I want a real one to have!
@billybearcat: Turn it into a huge bong!
@santonio10: That Maybach is one amazing car. It’s has the craziest features ever.
@billybearcat: Lots of compartments for hiding the stash from the 5-0.
@santonio10: Getting a new tattoo rite now!
@billybearcat: I got a pic of his new tat…in a word: Classy.
@santonio10: The big round cheeze-it commercial with the doctor in it is too funny!
@billybearcat: Just when I think you can’t sound any more stoned…
@santonio10 @DougzInBoston say it aint so?
@billybearcat: I can only assume that A: Dougz is his weed hook up and B: Dougz is all tapped out…
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power
Bill Simmons (ESPN) – After the third time the refs tried to screw the U.S., I remembered something that Bish and JackO say when we’re on a heater in Vegas and the pit boss starts warming up Mariano Rivera in the Asian Gaming Room. Our three rules that we live by are “to never get less than twelve hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Stick to that and everything else is cream cheese.” Sure, we stole it from Teen Wolf but I think its life lessons we should all live by. So, just as I am telling my friend Jimmy this piece of advice, Landon Donovan comes out of nowhere like Larry Legend stealing that Isiah Thomas’ inbounds pass and knocks in the game winner. Finally, I’m rooting for a winner.
Chris Berman (ESPN) – Did you see that outlet pass by Tim “Opie” Howard? And then whoop-whoop-whoop…there goes Landon “Sunshine Superman” Donovan not feeling so “Mellow Yellow” bumbling and stumbling down the field and he could…go…all the way. But he pushes it to Jozy “and the Pussycats” Altidore who takes a shot on goal and then Donovan is there to bang the deflection home. From California to the New York Island, from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters…this Landon was made for you and me.
Buzz Bissinger (Pulitzer Prize-winning author) – Fuck Algeria. It’s a country full of douche juices. What do they know about soccer? They’re too busy selling us oil at outrageous prices to know what the hell soccer is. They’re all fucktwat douche juices. Fuck ’em all. Maybe it’s just my third white wine spritzer talking, but any country that hasn’t read the great sportswriter W.C. Heinz is just a bunch of douch juices.
Peter King (SI) – Last year when I walked around with Landon Donovan feeding the homeless and rescuing stray puppies in his hometown of Ontario, California, he said something that remains with me until this day. He said “Peter, never order the venti size at Starbucks…it’s the same as a grande but with more hot water.” And oh boy, was he right. That’s just another prime example why Landon Donovan leads this team in Seinfeld-like observations. Speaking of Jerry, I stopped by my daughter Mary Beth’s old field hockey coach from Montclair last week and she was watching the classic “Bubble Boy” episode. Does it get any better than that? “Moops!!!”
Stephen A. Smith (Philadelphia Inquirer) – What a remarkable comeback. I’m sure the fine folks at General Mills are already producing Wheaties’ boxes with Landon Donovan on the front. But it should be my man, Jozy Altidore. Earlier in the game, Donovan purposefully kicked the ball away from Altidore before he could score on an open net thus preventing Altidore from being the true hero of this game. How could they keep a brother down like that? And in the homeland, no less. Do I think Donovan is a racist? Watch the footage and I’ll quite frankly let his actions speak for themselves.
Rick Reilly (ESPN) – The alternative music band Weezer should be careful of their standing with the U.S. men’s team. They have a song that was written for and adopted by the team as a theme song, but after yesterday’s results the team may want to fly Lionel Richie into South Africa as the U.S. contingency will surely be partying “All Night Long”. For most of the game, the Algerian goaltender had been as impenetranable as a teenage Ann-Margret before Elvis got his hands on her, but then Donovan saw his opportunity and the goal openend up as wide as the gap in David Letterman’s teeth.
Drew Magary (Kissing Suzy Kolber, Deadspin) – I call this story “The Poop Heard ’round the World”. All hope looked lost in the U.S. match when I decided to go weigh myself again, but I thought before I do that why don’t I go pinch off a loaf in an attempt to make myself lighter since my record dump is 2.5 pounds. It also let me get some peace from those insufferable little fuckstains that are my kids and gave me time to rub one out while I was thinking about the local soccer moms in my spank bank. So I finish up and go to tweet my weight out when I see that Twitter is exploding with the news of Landycakes scoring the game-winning goal. And damn if I didn’t miss it because I was flushing my colon of those Jack Link’s Flamin’ Buffalo Chicken Nuggets.
Matt Sebek (Joe Sports Fan) – I find it very difficult to root for anyone on this team because there is not one good mustache to be found on anyone on this team. Sure…some of the guys are sporting beards, but it’s not like the epic playoff beards Chris Mason and Roman Polak grew for this year’s annual Blues’ playoff collapse. But I can still see how Landon Donovan will be hugely popular back here in the States when this team returns. Much like that one episode of Saved by the Bell when Zack Morris returned to Bayside after rigging the chess championship in favor of Screech, I fully expect Kelly Kapowski to be waiting for Donovan with open arms.
Jason Whitlock (Fox Sports, Kansas City Star) – For the first 90 minutes of the game, the U.S. men’s team couldn’t capitalize on their opportunities. I was all set to recommend my old teammate Jeff George would be perfect to fix the scoring woes of this team. Because no matter how many teams he played with and no matter how many times he was labeled a “cancer”, he can still command a huddle and lead scoring drives with that laser for a right arm. But then Landon Donovan scored and sent the U.S. fans into a party that I’m sure is still going on. If I was Donovan, not only would I have scored on the pitch but I’d spend the next two days getting my “Becky” on with half the population of Johannesburg.
Andy Rooney (CBS’ 60 Minutes) – If they call it football why are the goalies allowed to use their hands? Back when I was young and I could get into the Polo Grounds for a nickel and we could see all different kinds of sporting events. I once saw Jesse Owens outrun a horse and Joe Louis knockout a kangaroo in a boxing match. Do you ever wonder how it would feel to be carried around in a kangaroo pouch all day? I bet it’s wonderful. That’s probably why Winnie the Pooh’s friend Roo is always in a good mood. I’d be in a good mood too if I could only find a tasty honeydew melon. In my life, I’ve probably bought a thousand honeydew melons and only three of them have ever been ripe.
A judge on Monday ruled that Dr. Conrad Murray (Wacko Jacko’s personal drug dealer physician) may keep his California medical license while defending himself against manslaughter charges. So if you were hoping for an appointment with Jack Kevorkian but found his schedule a little tight for your assisted suicide just call up Dr. Murray but hurry because his manslaughter trial will begin later this summer.
Wacko Jacko clan patriarch Joe Jackson gave an interview to the British
Sunday night CBS aired the 64th Tony Awards. There were lots of winner but none more than DSB editor Max Power who cuddled up on the couch and made jazz hands at the TV for four hours. (He really, really likes Broadway musicals.)
Following a brief investigation, MLB has cleared the Oliver Perez injury which placed him on the 15 day DL. Perez, who’s copious pitching problems have been begging for a break and rehab stint in the minors, was placed on the 15 day list just in time for Elmer Dessens to move into his locker. Perez was diagnosed with patella tendinitis. Tendinitis is basically impossible to deny. It is like being placed on the DL for depression. MLB is feckless and impotent.
Daddy's Sugar Ball 