After Landon Donovan scored the winning goal in the U.S.’s thrilling World Cup game yesterday with Algeria, DSB thought it would be a great idea to reach out to some prominent sportswriters, bloggers, and broadcasters for their reactions. But then I got sucked into the never ending fifth set of the John Isner-Nicolas Mahut tennis match and I never got around to it. So instead, I just made everything up. It turned out to be a lot less work on my end which is always a good thing.
Bill Simmons (ESPN) – After the third time the refs tried to screw the U.S., I remembered something that Bish and JackO say when we’re on a heater in Vegas and the pit boss starts warming up Mariano Rivera in the Asian Gaming Room. Our three rules that we live by are “to never get less than twelve hours sleep, never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city, and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Stick to that and everything else is cream cheese.” Sure, we stole it from Teen Wolf but I think its life lessons we should all live by. So, just as I am telling my friend Jimmy this piece of advice, Landon Donovan comes out of nowhere like Larry Legend stealing that Isiah Thomas’ inbounds pass and knocks in the game winner. Finally, I’m rooting for a winner.
Chris Berman (ESPN) – Did you see that outlet pass by Tim “Opie” Howard? And then whoop-whoop-whoop…there goes Landon “Sunshine Superman” Donovan not feeling so “Mellow Yellow” bumbling and stumbling down the field and he could…go…all the way. But he pushes it to Jozy “and the Pussycats” Altidore who takes a shot on goal and then Donovan is there to bang the deflection home. From California to the New York Island, from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters…this Landon was made for you and me.
Dan Shanoff (The Sporting Blog) – Without a doubt, that was the greatest goal scored in the greatest game in U.S. soccer history. This team’s resolve is the stuff of legends and Landon Donovan’s goal is easily the greatest moment in the history of all U.S. sports. Did I say sports? I should have said it was the greatest moment in the history of the United States and possibly of all mankind.
Buzz Bissinger (Pulitzer Prize-winning author) – Fuck Algeria. It’s a country full of douche juices. What do they know about soccer? They’re too busy selling us oil at outrageous prices to know what the hell soccer is. They’re all fucktwat douche juices. Fuck ’em all. Maybe it’s just my third white wine spritzer talking, but any country that hasn’t read the great sportswriter W.C. Heinz is just a bunch of douch juices.
Peter King (SI) – Last year when I walked around with Landon Donovan feeding the homeless and rescuing stray puppies in his hometown of Ontario, California, he said something that remains with me until this day. He said “Peter, never order the venti size at Starbucks…it’s the same as a grande but with more hot water.” And oh boy, was he right. That’s just another prime example why Landon Donovan leads this team in Seinfeld-like observations. Speaking of Jerry, I stopped by my daughter Mary Beth’s old field hockey coach from Montclair last week and she was watching the classic “Bubble Boy” episode. Does it get any better than that? “Moops!!!”
Stephen A. Smith (Philadelphia Inquirer) – What a remarkable comeback. I’m sure the fine folks at General Mills are already producing Wheaties’ boxes with Landon Donovan on the front. But it should be my man, Jozy Altidore. Earlier in the game, Donovan purposefully kicked the ball away from Altidore before he could score on an open net thus preventing Altidore from being the true hero of this game. How could they keep a brother down like that? And in the homeland, no less. Do I think Donovan is a racist? Watch the footage and I’ll quite frankly let his actions speak for themselves.
Rick Reilly (ESPN) – The alternative music band Weezer should be careful of their standing with the U.S. men’s team. They have a song that was written for and adopted by the team as a theme song, but after yesterday’s results the team may want to fly Lionel Richie into South Africa as the U.S. contingency will surely be partying “All Night Long”. For most of the game, the Algerian goaltender had been as impenetranable as a teenage Ann-Margret before Elvis got his hands on her, but then Donovan saw his opportunity and the goal openend up as wide as the gap in David Letterman’s teeth.
Drew Magary (Kissing Suzy Kolber, Deadspin) – I call this story “The Poop Heard ’round the World”. All hope looked lost in the U.S. match when I decided to go weigh myself again, but I thought before I do that why don’t I go pinch off a loaf in an attempt to make myself lighter since my record dump is 2.5 pounds. It also let me get some peace from those insufferable little fuckstains that are my kids and gave me time to rub one out while I was thinking about the local soccer moms in my spank bank. So I finish up and go to tweet my weight out when I see that Twitter is exploding with the news of Landycakes scoring the game-winning goal. And damn if I didn’t miss it because I was flushing my colon of those Jack Link’s Flamin’ Buffalo Chicken Nuggets.
Roger Ebert (Chicago Sun-Times) – People I know, people I respect love the beautiful game of soccer. Me? I could never get into it. I would rather have been holed up in my bedroom, reading Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The meaning of life can be found in true art like that. But I worry for our future when kids would rather play soccer and sit in front of video games all day.
Matt Sebek (Joe Sports Fan) – I find it very difficult to root for anyone on this team because there is not one good mustache to be found on anyone on this team. Sure…some of the guys are sporting beards, but it’s not like the epic playoff beards Chris Mason and Roman Polak grew for this year’s annual Blues’ playoff collapse. But I can still see how Landon Donovan will be hugely popular back here in the States when this team returns. Much like that one episode of Saved by the Bell when Zack Morris returned to Bayside after rigging the chess championship in favor of Screech, I fully expect Kelly Kapowski to be waiting for Donovan with open arms.
Skip Bayless (ESPN) – I don’t understand why everyone is celebrating this win. It should have easily been 4-0 before that moment. Clint Dempsey, Jozy Altidore, and the now golden child, Landon Donovan, all had chances they should have converted long before the extra time. The U.S. team should be disgraced by this performance. I just got off the phone with Ghana’s assistant equipment manager and he told me that they saw something that will give them the edge in the next game. I’m going with Ghana 7, the U.S. 0.
Jason Whitlock (Fox Sports, Kansas City Star) – For the first 90 minutes of the game, the U.S. men’s team couldn’t capitalize on their opportunities. I was all set to recommend my old teammate Jeff George would be perfect to fix the scoring woes of this team. Because no matter how many teams he played with and no matter how many times he was labeled a “cancer”, he can still command a huddle and lead scoring drives with that laser for a right arm. But then Landon Donovan scored and sent the U.S. fans into a party that I’m sure is still going on. If I was Donovan, not only would I have scored on the pitch but I’d spend the next two days getting my “Becky” on with half the population of Johannesburg.
Andy Rooney (CBS’ 60 Minutes) – If they call it football why are the goalies allowed to use their hands? Back when I was young and I could get into the Polo Grounds for a nickel and we could see all different kinds of sporting events. I once saw Jesse Owens outrun a horse and Joe Louis knockout a kangaroo in a boxing match. Do you ever wonder how it would feel to be carried around in a kangaroo pouch all day? I bet it’s wonderful. That’s probably why Winnie the Pooh’s friend Roo is always in a good mood. I’d be in a good mood too if I could only find a tasty honeydew melon. In my life, I’ve probably bought a thousand honeydew melons and only three of them have ever been ripe.
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power
Daddy's Sugar Ball 