If you really want to keep teenagers from impregnating each other these days I have a couple new ideas other than the scare tactics that today’s failing American high schools have employed in recent years:
1. Have the boys carry all the crap that comes with a child. I truly hate to carry things. I hate the hassle of holding stuff. I am a first ballot hall of famer when it comes to being lazy. Couple this with an attention span that generally would be bad even for most insects capable of flight and you a recipe for difficult parenting. Holding the kids is not all that bad. Yes they are heavy and at times can feel like a space heater built for cuddling but they love you and all that good shit. What does not love you is all the crap you have to haul around with them. Napoleon’s army packed lighter than modern parents. Every parent on the cul-de-sac has an SUV because the accoutrements of today’s youth requires vehicles with the packing capacity nearly that of a U-Haul. But those things do not stay in the vehicle. They must be lugged for what seems like miles between far off destinations. Diaper bags that are so full they develop their own gravitational pull on the tides. Pack and Play’s (formally called Play Pens but that is another rant). Food and water. You must bring them their own food and water supply. Toys… my God the toys. Everyone buys your kids toys and that absolutely infect your entire home and vehicle. And you must lug this shit endlessly like some modern day Sisyphus. Carrying shit is the worst.
2. The constant noise. As mentioned in part one, the toys infect your entire existence. They all make a level of headache sparking noise that you will be forced to drink heavily only to numb the pain. Everything makes some sort of gawd-awful scream or nauseating song which includes counting, farm animal noises that sound like they came from a bestiality porno set or the first 13 letters of the alphabet. Even the books make noise now. They all sing and read themselves. (This is why we are failing as a nation.) The volume of everything in your house feels like you are living in Elmo’s World produced by the roadies from KISS. Have these zit faced high school kids deal with life at this annoying volume for about three hours minus the latest Kei$ha song to distract them will certainly increase condom usage.
3. Doctor’s offices… Welcome to the wonderful world of the constant co-pay. You kid has a rash that appears and disappears as quickly as it came but you still take the kid to the doctor. You are a concerned and loving parent. That concern and love will cost you fifty bucks. You kid has a fever (this will happen on a near weekly basis as children lack the ability to maintain homeostasis). Again concern and love cost you fifty dollars. Notice I am not mentioning anything about the doctor actually fixing anything. No that never actually happens. You just go, lugging all your worldly possession (see item #1), pay fists full of money, watch your child experience meltdowns that cause embarrassment and then leave with no answers. Experience this and suddenly those high school kids are drinking 40’s of Hurricane to forget their problems not to separate some Sophomore from her panties.
In the end it is all worth it…because they love you like no one has ever loved you.
Just be sure you are ready to carry all their stuff.
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat
Daddy's Sugar Ball 