Jerk Store: The Vending Machine Guy

Why he is a jerk:
I can’t imagine lugging around boxes of 3 ounce snack bags and collecting tiny envelopes from people claiming the machine ripped them off.  It can’t be a very fulfilling career, so I’m sorry this is your lot in life.

But I have a couple of bones to pick with you…

Please decide what to do with the item that keeps getting stuck…use your professional vending machine experience to figure out where the optimal location is to put it.  It’s not so much that I am frustrated when the bag of barbecue Baked Lay’s doesn’t drop down for the third time this week.  But when I buy the Peanut M&M’s and I have to hope my selection gets by the already stuck item in some sort of Plinko-like game that crap drives me up a wall.

Secondly, if an item sells out I’m pretty sure it’s popular…I’m no Time Person of the Year, but even I have a rudimentary knowledge of supply and demand.  So why the fuck do you insist on filling that empty row with something else?  Oh, look both rows of the Code Red sold out…well let me put cans of V8 there this time.  I picked that item over and over again because I liked it, not because I just like pressing C8.  And I don’t like your attempt at subtly changing what used to be there either just because it’s “close” to the previous occupant.  I liked the Snyder’s Old Tyme pretzels…switching me to the hard sourdough or Honey Wheat sticks is horseshit and you know it.

No one appreciates the empty calories and huge amounts of sugar and salt to combat the 2:30 drowsy time more than I…but you need to start getting your shit together or I’m going to be forced to interact with actual human beings at the cafeteria.  Until then, grab some Cool Ranch Doritos and start filling up the machines that are in the break room of the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Entertainment News the DSB way…

She Keeps My Balls In a Jar On a High Shelf

She keeps using my razor to shave her legs but I am afraid to ask her to stop.

Angelina Jolie told a German newspaper this week that “I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship…It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards.”  Jolie also admitted that her fights with Brad Pitt can often get physical saying: “The sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way. Then I can get so angry that I tear his shirt.”  When asked for comment by DSB, Brad Pitt responded that he would ask Angelina what he thought of her comments and would get back to us with his feelings.

In Douche Bag News
Jon Gosselin (of Jon and Kate + Eight) had his Upper West Side apartment ransacked by a jilted lover over the weekend. Hailey Glassman apparently left a note stabbed to his dresser with a butcher knife that called the divorced father of eight a “lowlife.”  The police are still investigating but reports are starting to make this look like a publicity stunt.  When asked for comment on the story, police confirmed that Jon’s extensive collection of Ed Hardy T-shirts was unharmed by the vandals.  This disappointed nearly everyone.

Two and a Half Bottles of Vodka

Charlie Sheen spent his Christmas doing a short stint in jail awaiting arraignment on assault and domestic violence charges.  Sheen who has an extensive history as a Hollywood playboy with a history of alcohol and drug abuse has checked into a rehabilitation facility according to his publicist.   When asked by an Aspen County corrections officer who the Two and a Half Men star wanted to call regarding his arrest, Sheen told him he wanted his one phone call to be to his friend Michael Jordan so that they could talk about how even when throwing down with his wife the collar of his undershirt did not stretch out.

News That Lets Me Remind You That Kobe is a Rapist
Over the Christmas holiday Tony Parker and his wife Eva Longoria recreated the Summer Nights song and dance scene from the movie Grease as part of a promotion for a Spurs meet and greet contest with fans.  Other NBA franchises are currently considering riding the coattails of this idea.  Here are some movies that have scenes DSB would like to see recreated by NBA stars:  Kobe Monsters Ball or Last Tango in Paris, Tim Donaghy Two for the Money, Jayson Williams Shoot’em Up, Ron Artest Roadhouse.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Lights of Broadway

This past weekend I visited NYC to watch the Gonzaga/Duke basketball game and hang out with some friends who were driving or flying there from all over the country. Once the snowstorm blanketed the East Coast, only three out of the planned twelve people were able to get there (myself who wisely took the train; and my buddy Kyle and his girlfriend who flew in Friday night from Seattle).

If you are a loyal DSB reader, you also know that I am the “girlie” member of the crew here. As such, I love theater and rarely pass up an opportunity to see a Broadway show while in Manhattan and this trip wasn’t any different.

Minutes before the show started I was perusing the playbill and noticed the listings and small advertisements for current shows occupying four pages near the back of the program. Just like a movie poster, many of these ads use a quote from a review to hopefully increase the reader’s excitement for seeing that particular show…at least in theory that’s what it supposed to do. But what’s happening in practice is far from that.

What follows are the actual advertisements along with my thoughts after each one:

Fela! – “A show that melts walls!” The New York Times

Thankfully we no longer need to waste the S.W.A.T. team’s time, we can just send the acting troupe of Fela! out to every hostage situation. Maybe this quote makes sense if I had half of an idea what this show was about. Is it the coming of age story about a young, gay pyromaniac literally and figuratively trapped in his bedroom closet? How about the coming of age story about a young, gay Eskimo literally and figuratively trapped in a closet in his igloo?

Bye Bye Birdie – “A triumph of lovable silliness” Bloomberg News

I’m glad the producers of the show want me to waste over $100 for a ticket and three hours of my life to see John Stamos and Gina Gershon in something best described as “silliness”. It could be the only programming on my television and I wouldn’t even watch a made-for-TV movie that starred both of them, let alone buy a ticket for this craptastic revival. “Urge to kill…rising”

Rock of Ages – “Absurdly enjoyable!” The New York Times

So basically the critic from the NY Times is telling you that he liked it, but he couldn’t tell you one single reason why. This sounds like the same logic a 4-year old uses. I must admit I do love this phrase though…I’m going to start using it in everyday conversations.

“For lunch today I went to Taco Bell and I got their half-pound beef and bean burrito. I had flaming diarrhea for the last two hours because of their Grade F, dog food-like meat is probably tainted. But I still found it absurdly enjoyable!”

“I can’t believe I paid $20 for a lap dance with that stripper. She kept talking about her grandchildren, I could see her multiple C-section scars, and her boobs sag lower than her g-string. But I still found it absurdly enjoyable!”

The Understudy – “Pulverizingly funny!” The Wall Street Journal

Call me cynical, but I strongly doubt an off-Broadway show starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar made the WSJ critic laugh so hard until he spontaneously combusted.

After Miss Julie – “A toxic tango, sexy, dangerous & thrilling” Time Out New York

I feel cheated that during all of his time on “Dancing with the Stars” that Emmitt Smith was never able to elevate his tango from “contaminated” to “toxic”.

Superior Donuts – “A laugh-glazed delight from America’s favorite playwright.” WWOR-TV

Neil Simon wrote a new play? David Mamet? Edward Albee? August Wilson? Nope…apparently it’s Tracy Letts. Who? Exactly. And what about the phrase “laugh-glazed delight” makes any sense? I’m guessing it’s a comedy about donuts, but that’s like me saying Rent was a “urine-soaked, needle-in-the-arm tranny paradise of enchantment.”

Next to Normal – “It is much more than a feel-good musical. It is a feel-everything musical.” The New York Times

Apparently the woman next to me didn’t share this same view…hopefully the judge will agree with the NY Times on this one.

Wishful Drinking – “You’re going to like it. A lot.” The New York Times

This is a one woman show from a bloated Carrie Fisher sharing the story of her life for 90+ minutes. Trust me…I’m not going to like it. A lot.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Long Island Lolita Lohan

This shirt screams: Fuck Yeah!

Michael Lohan was picked up by police in Southampton NY for violating a 2005 protection from abuse (PFA).  Lindsay Lohan’s dad will be charged with criminal contempt for the PFA violation and in a separate and unusual charge he will be arraigned for being Michael Lohan.  Both are misdemeanors but the Long Island community is pushing for the second charge to be upgraded to a capital crime.

Mom of the Year Award
Courtney Love recently lost guardianship of her 17 year old daughter Frances Bean Cobain.  Love reportedly was shocked by the court ruling as she assumed that she had traded Francis for an eight ball of heroin back during her mid-summer blackout of 2006.

Shout Out To A Long Time DSB Army Member: The Future King of England

She is really excited to be on DSB…

In a highly surprising leak from Windsor Castle, an official royal document outlines the transition of power from Queen Elizabeth to Prince William.  This move cements William as the next King of England and has begun to raise speculation regarding long time Prince of Wales girlfriend Kate Middleton.  DSB would like to reach out to long time reader Prince William and point to the recent events surrounding Tiger Woods as evidence that the Prince should avoid marriage.  Being the King of England is a killer pick up line in the clubs.  You can pull tons of tail with that title.

In Shirtless News Not Pertaining to Vince Young
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced this morning that Iggy Pop’s The Stooges, ABBA and Genesis are to be enshrined come March of 2010.  When told of his impending induction Iggy ripped off his shirt and announced that this was his proudest moment since appearances in season three of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and The Crow: City of Angels.

Vaginal Delivery

Yesterday, Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a boy; Mason Dash Disick.  Kim Kardashian twittered the news and stated that she was “So excited to be an aunt!”  It is good to know that the Kardashian girls are still able to find new ways to make news with their vaginas.

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

NFL Truth & Rumors, Week 11

In case you missed NFL Truth & Rumors from Week 13, click here.

Q: So … Mike Tomlin. He, uh, didn’t exactly “unleash hell,” huh?
A: Whether hell was unleashed or not, we don’t know. What we do know, however, is that hell has indeed frozen over.
Q: What was Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez’s reaction to being told that he will be benched this week in favor of Kellen Clemens?

A: “Enraged” is the word used by Sports Illustrated to describe the response from Sanchez. I don’t know. I would’ve gone with something more like, “un-poise-y.” Or “poiseless.” Or “impoisable.”

Q: Wait – I have another Jets question! Sorry this is way after the fact, but did Patriots coach Bill Belichick disrespect Jets coach Rex Ryan by throwing deep to Randy Moss with 30 seconds on the clock in the Pats 31-14 win back in Week 11?

A: No, I don’t think so. It’s not in Belichick’s nature to be so inconsiderate to others.

Q: Is that guy who got his jaw crushed by Coach Tom Cable really back at work with the Raiders?? Like, seriously??

A: No way. And that guy has a name – it’s Randy Hanson. And Randy Hanson has self-respect and dignity. You can’t put a price tag on stuff like respect … and dignity … and pride. Put it this way – if you had your lower mandible rearranged OUT OF NOWHERE by your certifiably-insane, bully of a boss, would you go back to work at a fucking nut factory like that? Wait, what? Oh.

Q: Are there any players coming off injury that may help their team’s push for a playoff spot?

A: Remarkably, Brian Westbrook (concussion) of the Philadelphia Eagles has started practicing again and is listed as questionable for Week 14. In the AFC, Terrell Suggs (knee) has been practicing his tackling form and seems to be rounding into football shape as a true Baltimore Felon Raven.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
ZJ

Jerk Store: Norm Abram “Master Carpenter”

Watch me put together shit that you can never recreate…

Why he is a jerk:
If you don’t know Norm Abram then you obviously have been living under a rock for the past 30 years.  Abram is the master carpenter of PBS’ This Old House and the host of The New Yankee Workshop.  Now Norm might be a nice enough guy but when he starts out building a new china cabinet out of that virgin timber hardwood in just under an hour of TV time it is enough for me to want to hunt him down with a large caliber rifle. Is there anyone on TV that can make a man feel any more inept?  The guy goes into his workshop (a huge barn that he designed and built) and has every power tool known to man.  The guy has at least three drum sanders.  Who the fuck owns multiple drum sanders?  If that was not bad enough he makes some of his own tools when he needs the right tool for the job.  That is just offensive.  Ever see his collection of clamps?  The man must have a second workshop just to house all of his clamps.  A normal man has a couple awkward fitting clamps that are never quite properly designed for the task at hand and he never has enough of them.  Norm has more clamps than Home Depot.  Not your local Home Depot…more than all Home Depots.

Then there is Norm’s famous speech about safety: “Before we use any power tools, let’s take a moment to talk about shop safety. Be sure to read, understand, and follow all the safety rules that come with your power tools. Knowing how to use your power tools properly will greatly reduce the risk of personal injury. And remember this: there is no more important safety rule than to wear these — safety glasses.” (Points to his ever present eye glasses) Who actually reads the safety manuals for their power tools?  If I were to actually sit down and read that technical gobbledy-gook my brain would start to bleed.

I would pay serious money to watch this guy lose his temper over a project and begin swearing at the hope chest he is assembling that day.  I want to watch him misplace a tool or realize he picked up the wrong size screw and be forced to travel to True Value for the third time in one day because he keeps getting the wrong materials for his Gregorian Breakfast Nook project.  I want him to be forced to meltdown in a project just like I do every time I open my tool box.  Until that time he can preach to measure twice and cut once in the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: Cats

Do it!!! Pull the trigger you little pet of Satan…pull the fucking trigger!

Why he is a jerk:
Cats rank just above Pol Pot and below Tom Cruise on the Bearcat Ultimate Hate Scale. Right in the heart of the top five. People believe cats to be elegant, sleek, graceful, nimble and athletic. Kind of like an athletic ballerina of the animal kingdom. That is all horseshit. Cats spend 20 hours of their days sleeping…lazy bastards. If I had to guess what their character would be personified – – they would most certainly be French (that alone should be reason enough). The names provided to cats are generally cutesy names that little girls would name things like Mittens, Whiskers or Kitty. Their fur balls are the equivalent of a month’s worth of soap scum and the hair that collects in the shower drain but in one toxic little ball on your kitchen counter. Ever watch a cat kill a mouse? Sadistic little bastards. They don’t so much hunt them as they play with them to watch them hurt. Cats can play with a half dead mouse for hours. Later toying with the dead body as a celebration of their kill. They act like Caesar displaying their “trophy” as a warning to other mice that they will murder them just for the pleasure of watching them suffer and if a cat could do it to you, it would. Not even kittens are acceptable. Under that cute furball exterior is a Hitler in training. Ever watch a cat drag its ass across a carpet? It will stare you in the eye as it smears its shit across your living room carpet. Smug bastards. Think that cat is cuddling with you? Wrong. It is marking you with its scent. It is marking its territory. The cat owns you. For all these reasons, cats are the official pet of the Jerk Store.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Jerk Store: The Woman Who Drives Really Slow In My Parking Garage (Revisited)

Excuse me… I am having trouble fitting my huge SUV (that I can’t drive) into this space…

Why she is a jerk:
You may remember the 40-something woman in the tan CR-V that drives excruciatingly slow in my parking garage that I admitted to the Jerk Store back in September.  (If not, here is a link.) Well this morning during my slushy morning commute I ended up behind this awful woman once again but instead of her normal tan CR-V she was driving an even larger vehicle…a Lexus SUV and quite a large one at that.  Let’s take a moment to reflect on that…she upgraded to a larger vehicle.  Was the one that you were too fearful to drive not big enough for you?  Did you feel the need to get a car so large that there would never be a chance that you could park it no matter how expansive the space?  Not only did she buy a bigger car, she bought one that was twice as expensive. Some idiot employer actually promoted this frail woman.  The fact that she is capable of not only maintaining employment but also achieving some modicum of success nearly made my head explode into a fine pink mist this morning.  (In case you are wondering her new car is also tan.  Way to be adventurous!)  She treated her last car like a yacht pulling into a slip barely large enough for it moorings.  This gargantuan SUV must be like navigating the Knock Nevis up the Susquehanna during a drought for her.  She crawled through the parking garage at a speed that would make a quaaluded three toed sloth look like it was Neo on meth.  I am very close to finding a new parking lot.  I am almost willing to walk further from my current location just so I can avoid this Jerk…I am not sure I can tolerate her much longer.

I had nothing to do with that fire…I swear!!

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Deaths that Need the “Pushing Daisies” Treatment

For those unfamiliar with the failed TV show Pushing Daisies, let me take a brief moment to explain the premise (via Wikipedia):

Pushing Daisies centers on the life of Ned, a pie-maker gifted with the mysterious ability to bring dead things back to life by touching them…Inheriting his mother’s baking talents, Ned becomes a pie-maker who owns a restaurant called “The Pie Hole”, which he runs with the help of waitress Olive Snook. The restaurant is failing financially when private investigator Emerson Cod accidentally discovers Ned’s gift and offers him a proposal: Ned will temporarily bring murder victims back to life, allowing Emerson to inquire about the circumstances of their demise, quickly solve the case and split the reward money with him.

10. Vince Foster – Conspiracy theorists have long speculated that Bill and Hillary Clinton had something to do with Foster’s death even though multiple investigations have ruled it a suicide.  After Ned’s touch either the former First Family will end up in court or right-wing blowhards like Rush and BillO will have to shut up.

9. Diana, Princess of Wales – Was it the paparazzi’s fault? Or how about her driver hopped up on antidepressants and alcohol?  Either way, her account of the night’s events and the speeding route through the streets of Paris would settle many of the world’s questions.

8. Brian Jones – The founding member and guitarist for the Rolling Stones was found dead at the bottom of his swimming pool when he was 27.  Mysterious circumstances have revolved around his death for the last 40 years and it is still ruled an accidental drowning, but the police have been more than willing to reopen the case.

6. Natalie Wood – In 1981, Wood famously fell overboard and drowned off of Catalina Island and became a national punchline (What wood doesn’t float?).  Even though it was ruled accidental drowning, the circumstances surrounding her death have always been in question.

5. Nicole Simpson – We all know what happened.  We don’t need some TV-friendly “superpower” to figure out the story.  But it sure would be sweet to hear her tell it exactly the way we imagine it happened.  Hopefully she won’t leave out the exact details of what her and Ron Goldman were doing when OJ walked in.

3. David Carradine – When you are found hanging in a Shanghai closet with a rope around your neck and balls, conventional wisdom leads one to assume suicide by auto-asphyxiation.  But then Mark Geragos went on Larry King and said it was probably a team of kung fu assassins looking to silence Carradine from revealing their secret martial arts societies’ way.

2. Kurt Cobain – Cobain was troubled, loaded on heroin, and married to Courtney Love when he blew his head off with a shotgun…or did he?  Many people contend foul play and even murder were involved as the cause of death was even the subject of a compelling documentary (Kurt & Courtney).

1. Mary Jo Kopechne – When Ted Kennedy died earlier this year, the fatal accident at Chappaquiddick was glossed over on all the major media outlets.  I want to know just how drunk he was…I want to know what canoodling was going on between the two of them…and I want to know if he got his own ass out of the water as fast as possible leaving her to drown.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Jerk Store: Brazil Nuts

I lit this one on fire just to teach it a lesson…

Why they are jerks:
It’s the holiday season and that means holiday parties.  I am a big fan of going to holiday parties in general.  While I don’t particularly like most of the company, the fact that there are often copious amounts of alcohol fixes that issue right up.  At every holiday party there is a big spread and people put out little dishes of mixed nuts for people to snack on while enjoying their beverages.  I have been known to single handedly devour an entire dish of mixed nuts in one sitting.  I even get a little protective…holding in my greed when others snag a handful.  But there is one nut they can have… the Brazil nut.  I hate Brazil nuts.  I love all the other varities in the mix: Peanuts (technically a legume), Cashews, Pecans, Walnuts, Almonds.  I love them all very much because I am fat and they go well with beer.

I have never met anyone who likes or enjoys Brazil nuts.  They are horrible.  They are too big.  Their texture is unappealing.  They taste funny.  So why does Planters insist on putting a half dozen of these in their small sized mixed nuts can?  Because for every Brazil nut there are three cashews that are not getting in the mix.  They take up space.  Kind of like a nut version of Casey Hampton.  So Planters does not care if you hate the Brazil nut.  It fills the can and takes up valuable space that could otherwise hold nuts that you would much rather be eating.  Damn them.

For that the Brazil nut gets Jerk Store entry.

A quick ranking of the nuts in a traditional holiday mix:

1:  Cashews – I fucking love cashews.  I can eat my weight in these things.
2:  Almonds – Always welcome
3:  Pecans – Would rank higher if they had that awesome sugar crust
4:  Walnuts – Bonus points for not making me crack them myself
5:  Hazelnuts – Never have I been excited to have a hazelnut.
6:  Peanut – If I wanted peanuts I would have bought a can of peanuts
7:  Brazil Nuts

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat