Hand Over Fist: How the Pirates Profit like Prostitutes

I don’t know about you, but as a Pittsburgh Pirates’ fan the recent leak of MLB financial statements represented absolutely zero new knowledge for me. Eighteen years of futility has been enough evidence to show that the Pirates don’t spend money and because of that the ownership group makes buckets of it. Please don’t tell me that you were surprised to hear that the Nuttings made a profit (a substantial profit) owning a Major League Baseball team…even one as pathetic as the Pirates. In baseball you get what you are willing to pay for. Pujols makes tons of money because he is the most feared hitter in baseball; Delwyn Young only gets 444K for a reason. The Yankees spent 206 million this season on payroll. The Pirates spent just under 35 and I am surprised they even spent that much.

David P. Samson, president of the Marlins, was pissed about the leak and is threatening legal action stating “It’s a crime.” What is the true crime is using the Anti-Trust exception that only MLB has in order to circumvent basic ideas of fairness and competition. In a capitalist country like America it goes against the Darwinian theories of a free market for the Pirates to be this bad, for this long, and still be profitable. It undermines Americans’ understanding of business when it is actually more profitable for the Pirates to be bad than it is for them to be good. By having the lowest payroll in baseball, abysmal attendance, and subpar revenue streams they get to inherit the wealth of the successful and profitable teams in baseball.

The Yankees have been accused of buying championships. But what people fail to realize is that it was not the 200+ million dollar payroll that were buying the championships, it is the revenue sharing that buys the championship. Teams that are bad are paid to stay bad. The Pirates ownership only makes money because they refuse to spend money and wait for the payoff from the larger teams. It naturally shrinks the competitive balance within the league.

I am not one of those people up in arms about the Pirates ownership making a profit. They are businessmen and without profit there is no baseball. They have a right to make a profit. But they do not have the right to lie to us and tell us that they intend to improve the prospects of the team when their financial decisions clearly make that impossible.

In regards to the AP finances story, Pirates’ president Frank Coonelly stated, “Even when we’re winning, we will be a revenue-sharing recipient.” It sounds like the Pirates have it all figured out.

1. Buy a team
2. Lose games
3. Alienate fans
4. Profit

Not a bad gig.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Entertainment News the DSB way…

Knocking Boots…Nazi Boots That Is

Sandra Bullock’s serial-cheating, Hitler-loving ex-husband Jesse James is rumored to have begun dating again. James has been seen in West Hollywood and Las Vegas holding hands and kissing L.A. Ink tattoo artist Kat Von D. Kissing and holding hands? I can’t wait until they pass notes in class. If the two lovebirds go the distance, DSB has used cutting-edge technology to look into the future to determine what their baby might look like (click here for the results). One can only wonder where the little tyke’s swastika tat will go.

Kate Gosselin: Now with Even More Free Time

When school begins next week for most kids around the country, it will also mark the first time that all eight of the Gosselin children will be attending full-time. Kate recently blogged about the milestone, “I stand in awe, amazement and slight sadness at the thought of this [insert sad, nostalgic mommy music here please].” DSB reached out to Aaden, one of the infamous sextuplets, for comment on his mom’s feelings about this momentous day. Aaden gave us an answer we’ve become all too familiar with, “What’s a Mommy?”

Better Than Fried Pickles
Snooki has a new man. Jeff Miranda, a 24-year old Iraq War veteran from Millstone, NJ, met the Jersey Shore reality whore at the Seaside Heights nightclub Karma on Friday night. They spent the next day together on the boardwalk, riding the rides, holding hands and kissing (no word on note-passing). Miranda commented to Us Magazine that “Nicole is actually really cute and seems like a cool a** person, even though she’s drunk most of the time.” Kudos to Miranda for recognizing Snooki’s love of the drink, but either he was also blackout drunk or blind when he called the foul-mouthed troll “really cute”. DSB also discovered that Miranda is a big fan of the sitcom It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and always wondered what it would be like if Uncle Frank had long hair.  Wonder no more…you’re now dating it.

Fans of Fangs

In this week’s edition of Jann Wenner Sells Out Rolling Stone, the cast of HBO’s True Blood were profiled. Among other things, they revealed that Alexander Skarsgard (left) bares all during his nude scenes without the benefit of a sock around “it”. Creator Alan Ball told the mag that all the racy sex scenes and nudity are necessary, “To me, vampires are sex. I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.”  DSB reached out to no-talent actor Robert Pattinson for comment on Ball’s criticism of the Twilight target audience. We caught up with him on the way to deposit huge amounts of cash in the bank when he responded, “I wouldn’t call our fanbase uninformed…obsessive, gullible, and desperately lonely…but not uninformed.”

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Sports News the DSB way…

I Knew the Bride When She Used to Stalk & Roll

Imagine that the movie “Fatal Attraction” didn’t end with Michael Douglas’ wife shooting Glenn Close’s deranged stalker, but with Douglas divorcing his wife and marrying Close. That’s how Kansas City wide receiver Chris Chambers’ version goes in what’s sure to give hope to all the bunny boilers and whack-jobs out there. Chambers married Stacey Bernice Saunders in Las Vegas less than one year after claiming in court that Saunders was stalking him and had made “abusive, vulgar and irrational” communications towards Chambers and his then wife. I can hardly wait to see how this blessed union turns out. I would advise ESPN park Pedro Gomez and a camera crew outside the Chambers’ residence 24/7 waiting for the inevitable fireworks.

Not Even in a 16 Team League

According to an UniversalSports.com interview, Brady Quinn’s current beard girlfriend, Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone, didn’t know who the Broncos quarterback was when he initially introduced himself to her at a charity fundraiser. She only later figured out who he was, “I went home and asked my dad if he knew who Brady Quinn was, and he said, ‘Alicia, he’s on my fantasy football team.'” Please consider this an open invitation for Alicia’s dad to join our fantasy football league whenever he wants…we can always use another weak and useless member who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

True Blood: Oakland

In a rare interview with Gil Brandt on Sirius satellite radio on Tuesday, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis went on record with effusive praise for his newly acquired quarterback, Jason Campbell, and compared him to a young Jim Plunkett. Davis pointed to Campbell’s 13-0 record at Auburn, but conveniently forgot his less than stellar run in Washington. That might have been a mistake as Campbell’s preseason debut last night against the Cowboys looked familiar to Redskins’ fans as he was 7 of 13 for only 49 yards while the offense produced zero points during his time on the field. DSB reached Al Davis and he revealed another comparison for this year’s Raiders, “I tell you what…that Cable guy I have coaching the team has quite the way with the ladies.  When he puts his hands on a woman, he really reminds me of a young Ike Turner.”

Why Didn’t He Consider Gaysport, Ohio?

Ben Roethlisberger’s displeasure with comments the residents and mayor of Findlay, Ohio made after his latest sexual assault incident have provoked him to change his hometown in the 2010 Steelers media guide. Per the Associated Press, Roethlisberger now claims the town of Corey Rawson as his hometown. One small problem for Big Ben is that the town doesn’t exist and is a fictitious, misspelled nod to a school district he once attended. Here at DSB we have a few other suggestions Roethlisberger might want to consider:

Whoneedsahelmet, Ohio
Bucktoothbimbos, Ohio
Shesaidno, Ohio
Jizzonthedoor, Ohio
Notayinzer, Ohio

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Lessons from an amateur father

As a new father I will occasionally drop a new post talking about the experiences (i.e. failures) and things I learn on the job in the process of raising Lil’ Ms. Bearcat. Here are my ramblings as I try not to screw up at being a father.

● As of my last count my child averaged approximately 22 diaper changes over a 24 hour period. Most of these diaper changes exist during small windows of only an hour in which my daughter will feel the need to utterly destroy diaper after diaper. The average lifespan of these baby waste disposal devices is around 15 minutes. This is why raising a child costs half a million dollars. Most of the investment is in diapers. College tuition is looking like a bargain at this point.

● Babies will attempt to destroy any article of clothing on their body within a matter of minutes. Example:

1. Watch Daddy put on new Onesie that reads “Daddy’s Little Cupcake”

2. Once fully clothed, spit up colossal volumes of milky vomit immediately rendering new outfit completely unwearable.

3. Giggle and look cute so as to frustrate father to no end.

4. Repeat.

● Sleep deprivation is an effective means by which to break a human being. I can totally understand why the CIA used this against Al Qaeda. I feel like I would admit or agree to anything at this point. I am dead on the inside.

● Last week Mrs. Bearcat and I took our little girl for a stroll around the neighborhood. When we were about five minutes walking distance from the house ‘lil Ms. Bearcat decided for no particular reason to start screaming like she was being electrocuted. This caused all the good people of my development to start looking at us and wonder what we were doing to our poor child. There is no scenario that can cause you more discomfort. I am currently waiting for child custody officers to drop by for a visit.

● Babies generate enough heat to boil water. This is a fact. While holding a baby your body temperature will rise to uncontrollable levels. Babies are like space heaters set to full blast that like to cuddle.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

Sports News the DSB way…

Ready for Motorboating

It must have been a cold day

On Tuesday it was revealed that golfer Phil Mickelson has psoriatic arthritis which causes intense pain in his joints and tendons that he struggles to walk. He initially felt the symptoms five days before this year’s U.S. Open, but a combination of stretching, walking and medication subsided the pain long enough for him to finish in fourth place. Mickelson is subjected to a weekly regimen of Enbrel shots that alleviate the pain and have brought the disease under control. No word on whether gynecomastia is or isn’t a side effect of these shots. DSB spoke with PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem who was concerned for Phil’s future when he said, “If Phil’s B cup moobs turn into Cs or higher, he’s going to have to join the LPGA Tour and become a lesbian.”

London Calling

Who should I have killed next?

The NBA schedule was announced on Monday and for the first time two regular-season games will be played in Europe. The Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will face-off in London at the O2 Arena in March in an attempt to expand overseas. NBA commissioner David Stern commented exclusively to DSB, “I know a few people in the State Department and I wouldn’t be surprised if both teams have passport issues when they try re-enter the United States. We’ve been looking at contracting a few teams and this seemed the best way of avoiding confrontation and bad publicity. I’m also here to announce that next season’s overseas game will take place in North Korea between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Minnesota Timberwolves.”

Now Pitching for the St. Louis Cardinals…Bruce Banner

On back to back nights, St. Louis Cardinals’ pitcher Chris Carpenter has looked and acted like a man teetering on the edge of some Steven Seagal-like destruction. Monday night, he reprimanded and lectured Brendan Ryan because the shortstop arrived late to the field to start the game and had to further delay when he grabbed the wrong glove. Last night during the bench-clearing brawl with the Reds, Carpenter mixed it up with ex-teammate Scott Rolen until both men were pushed into the backstop netting and eventually separated. Carpenter’s recent displays of his temper and rage are unusual, but the DSB research staff has discovered that for the last two games he has been mistakenly drinking out of the wrong water bottle clearly marked for a “M. McGwire”.

4th Place? You’re Fired

Your 2010 Darwin Awards finalists…

In these tough economic times, the organizers of the 2010 World Sauna Championships have taken bold steps in significantly reducing the event’s prize money. Instead of cash rewards, the sponsors have instead opted for trips, services, and products. For winning the event, Russian Vladimir Lazyzhenskiy was awarded a lavish funeral that covers the costs for transporting the body, the headstone, and burial. Timo Kaukonen on the other hand received an all-expenses paid trip to the ER for finishing second. Third place? A set of steak knives.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Don’t Even Get Me Started on Covert Affairs

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Memphis and Boston are respectively the 19th and 20th largest cities in the United States.  Both metropolitan areas boast over 645,000 residents and while that is a drop in the bucket compared to New York’s 8.4 million residents, it is still more than Denver, Seattle, and even Las Vegas can claim.

But if you’ve watched a minute of either Memphis Beat or Rizzoli & Isles on TNT, you’d be led to believe both cities are equal in size to roughly Wheeling, West Virginia or Slidell, Louisiana.  Both shows have a police force that consists of roughly ten to twenty detectives, officers, and other staff.  That’s about as realistic as believing Charlie Sheen is a successful jingle writer or Courtney Cox is a desirable cougar.

I realize that television networks have us regularly suspend our disbelief on a nightly basis while they trot out vampires, ghost whisperers, fake psychic detectives, and Andy Rooney, but believing Jason Lee’s Dwight Hendricks is the only competent cop in Memphis’ Police Department is too big of a jump for me to make.  I can accept the fact that Hurley didn’t lose any weight that whole time on the Lost island, but I will never buy that Boston only has one Medical Examiner and she regularly joins the detectives in evidence gathering and interrogations out in the field.

I’m not asking for 100% accuracy.  I understand that TV shows are meant as entertainment and not as exact portrayals of how things really are, but shouldn’t the police station on Memphis Beat look a little larger than the one in Mayberry on the The Andy Griffith Show?  Shouldn’t there be more than four or five cops working on suspicious deaths in the Boston area?

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Mini-Rant: Big Ben claiming he is a Yinzer

Ben Roethlisberger provided the following quote to reporters upon checking in at St. Vincent College for this year’s Steelers Training Camp:

“…I love Pittsburgh. I’m a ‘yinzer.’ I don’t say it, but I am a yinzer. I feel like they are home to me, they are family. So I feel like I let my family down through all of this, so that is why I hope family forgives.”

HOLY. SHIT.

Has there ever been a more calculating load of PR bullshit than this? “I’m a yinzer.” My head nearly exploded upon reading.

As has been previously discussed on this site, I am a “yinzer.” I spent nearly 30 years in Pittsburgh and was born and raised in the Mon Valley. I root for the Penguins, Pitt, the lowly Pirates and especially the Steelers. There has not been one day over the past half decade that I have not missed the ‘burgh and the unique people and experiences of my hometown. Yinzers are good people.

Big Ben evoking a title he has not earned or was birthed into is just ridiculous. It has been a point of pride for the city that in the past so many former Steelers (and other sports figures) have decided to call Pittsburgh home after their playing careers ended. They loved the city and its people enough to retire in Western PA. Mel Blount, Lynn Swann, Bill Mazeroski, Mario… There are plenty of others that I am missing.  Yet Big Ben spends his off-season chasing co-ed ass around back water Georgia where he has his off-season home.

Roethlisberger referring to himself as a ‘yinzer’ was nothing but a naked PR move. He is saying: “I am one of you. I am you. We are the same. You can’t be mad at me because we need to get through this together. Family protects each other.” What crap. Big Benjamin got in this mess because he felt entitled. Entitled to bed any babe he deemed worthy. Maybe it would be good for him not to feel entitled to the adulation of Steelers fans. I doubt I can ever root for him. Others will. I personally can not. But if Steelers fans want to root for him, at least make sure he works for it.  The media certainly is not going to make him work for it.

If I were in Latrobe I would ask Roethlisberger a couple follow up questions that the “play nice Pittsburgh sports media” appears too afraid to ask…

“Was asking your golf tournament escort to come fix a fully functioning TV then bedding her a ‘yinzer’ move?”

“After a crazy night dawntawn do you like your Primanti’s with egg or without?”

“Do you feel like you wasted millions of potential ‘baby yinzers’ by blowing your semen all over a bathroom door?”

“As a ‘yinzer’ how many jorts do you own?”

“Is getting drunk in a college bar, serving drinks to an already intoxicated underage girl then using your police officer buddies to escort her into a bar bathroom for sex ‘yinzer’?”

“What exactly about you is ‘yinzer?’”

But why would anyone ask a follow up question to his original statement…

Thanks for coming and suckling on Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat