People who are using up my oxygen

Quick quiz – name the lead singers of the following bands: Coldplay, The Killers, Nickelback, and Maroon 5.

If you said Chris Martin, Brandon Flowers, Chad Kroeger, and Adam Levine you are correct…now name the bass player from each of those bands. If you said you have no freakin’ idea that would be correct too – – nobody knows the bass player unless you are a member of the fan club. And if you are…are you like 16?

Now let me ask those same two questions about the band Fall Out Boy…how is it that nobody knows the lead singer (Patrick Stump, btw), but everyone knows that douchebag bass player Pete Wentz? Why is it that Wentz is all over MTV, E!, People magazine, and every other media outlet when he’s only the band’s bass player? Is it because he married Ashlee Simpson? On a side note, I always thought Jessica was the way to go in that family; but considering she’s been with seemingly “normal” guys in Nick Lachey, John Mayer, and Tony Romo I’m starting to re-think my position…Ashlee has definitely vaulted into the lead of the Simpson most likely to take it up the ass (and I’m not counting O.J.’s pending incarceration)…however, Wentz considers himself a bisexual so she may also be the Simpson most likely to pull a Janice Soprano-like Ralphie and I don’t want any part of that.

Recently Wentz and Ashlee had their first son and promptly guaranteed him years of beatings by naming him Bronx Mowgli. That’s right…they named their kid like he was a hermit crab from the shore that will die within two months. Bronx – because they live there? No. Bronx – because that’s where they met? No. Bronx – because after David Beckham and Posh named their son Brooklyn, they didn’t want to get stuck with Queens or Staten Island as a name? No. Bronx – just because they liked the sound of it. And Mowgli? Obviously both are big fans of Disney’s Jungle Book. This makes complete sense…for people who ride the short bus. Apparently they didn’t like the sound of Bronx Cruella or Bronx Nemo.

I can’t believe Wentz’s 2005 suicide attempt was unsuccessful and now he and his mutant offspring are both breathing air that is more suited to me.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Euphemisms for Female Urination

10. Bailing out the Box
7. Pregnancy Testing
6. Her-ination
4. Tapping the Frilly Pink Kidney
2. Golden Shower is an extra 50 bucks… (perv)
1. Addressing the needs of my bladder

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The DSB Holiday Drinking Guide

Gentlemen (who am I kidding) Guys – do not drink girl drinks, examples include Cosmopolitans, Martinis that are not simply Gin or Vodka with Vermouth, Daiquiris (you’re not on vacation) and basically anything fruity. Stick to beer, shots, and mixed drinks involving vodka, whiskey, rum and tequila with one mixer. However – ALL guys should be well versed in the preparation of girly drinks. How do you think I got my wife? Two words… Amaretto Sours.

Speaking of beer… it’s the holidays. How about splurging a bit and avoid bringing that piss flavored Natty Light to the party. Scrooge drinks Natty Light because it is the only substance on Earth more bitter and nasty than his soul. Better yet, skip the light beer altogether and bring a manly beer. How about something with flavor? Support your local micro or craft brewers, hell if you are that much of a simpleton just buy a Samuel Adams Winter Variety case… just don’t take cheap shit beer to the party.

At work place parties, occasionally look around and find someone drunker than you. If you can’t find someone drunker than you, STOP DRINKING. You are the drunk person. While it would be highly hypocritical of DSB not to fully support getting face meltingly drunk, it defeats the purpose if you are the only one getting smashed and it is only 7 pm. If this is a work holiday party… best make sure others are far more plastered than you are.

Learn how to properly pour beer from a keg … head is what you are hoping to get from the girl in accounting. Therefore, do not over pump of the keg. You are not looking to launch the space shuttle just trying to get 12 oz of liquid out of a sealed steel barrel, calm the FUCK down butter churner.

Clean up your mess – Everyone occasionally has a bad night drinking and causes a mess. Either clean up your mess or make it up to your friend the next day. Making up means apologizing and buying a GOOD case of beer or bottle of liquor… Natty Light or Wild Turkey do not say “I’m sorry” as much as “Best get thrashed because that is what I did to your place.” If it happens at the bar, blame someone else and move on.

Guys – NEVER let a girl out chug you as this will cause others to question your sexuality. That’s just the rules I don’t make them up… suck it up and learn to drink.

Bitch beer – Girls love Miller Lite. This never became more apparent than last weekend when Mrs. Bearcat (NOT a beer drinker) said “Was that Miller Lite? I liked it.” If you expect to have a party that isn’t a sausage fest be sure to have Miller Lite as one of the beers. As stated before drink a manly beer… There will be plenty of Miller Lite later after you finish drinking your man beer… girls don’t drink much…that’s why we call them girls.

The official DSB hangover cure: Gatorade chasing Aleve. When planning to drink heavy, have some of this nearby.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

The Not Quite Top Ten Top Ten: Athletes in Jail

NYC Mayor/multi-billionaire did a presser earlier last week just to make sure everyone knows that he expects the DA to play shutdown corner on Plaxico Burress and basically said that he expects a conviction with serious jail time. So with Plax and his thigh hole looking at 3+ years in the clink and with O.J. Simpson getting put away until he is at least 70 years old I thought I would have a rundown of Athletes who have been put in the slammer…

So now I present the Not Quite Ten Top Ten Athletes in Jail…

10. In 2001, a judge sentenced Rae Carruth to serve at least 18 years and 11 months in prison. The Carolina Panthers wide receiver was convicted of ordering a hit on his pregnant girlfriend. She scribbled a note implicating her boyfriend before dying. A man who confessed to the shooting said Carruth planned to pay him $5,000 to avoid paying child support. Ray-Ray is a classy guy… some how the NFL broadcasters fail to ever bring this up… I think the NFL currently have a small army of lawyers working to rewrite the history of this guy and completely remove his name from NFL history.

7. Maurice Clarett was once of the best college football players in the country. As a freshman at Ohio State, he rushed for 1,237 yards and 16 touchdown touchdowns. He capped the season by helping his team win the national championship at the Fiesta Bowl. It was his last game for Ohio State. In September 2006, Clarett pleaded guilty to charges of aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon. After getting his goose on (the guy loves grey goose vodka) he was found with an AK-47 and several hand guns… after a short stand off in a wrecked car he had a date with a judge who sentenced Clarett to seven and a half years in prison with the possibility for parole after three and a half. Now that he is can’t get his beloved Goose, I’m guessing he has gotten proficient with making toilet wine. I am willing to put money down that the Raiders will be making an offer shortly after his release.

5. In 2004, Mike Danton was sentenced to seven and a half years in prison for a murder-for-hire plot. Prosecutors said the pro hockey center tried to hire a hit man to kill his agent, David Frost. According to court documents, Danton feared Frost would sink his hockey career by publicizing the fact that he was gay… which would totally not be a big deal in the very progressive locker rooms of the NHL. Frost recently had his own courtroom appearance. He was acquitted of sexual exploitation charges involving teenage hockey players and their girlfriends. The fact that you did not know about this just goes to show you how bad the state of hockey is right now… Do you think a jury would have convicted him if he was trying to get Scott Boras fired? I say no… but I am a Pirates fan. I hate Scott Boras.

4. In 1995, former L.A. Rams defensive back Darryl Henley was convicted on drug trafficking charges and received 20 years in prison. Another 21 years were added to the sentence after he admitted to trying to hire a hit man to murder the judge and a witness in his drug trial. (hit men are very popular among athletes apparently) “Ultimately I’m the one that’s responsible for what’s happened in my life,” he told an ESPN reporter in 2000. “But I do think that 90% of it is due to the choices I made, as far associations that I picked.” At least he is taking 90% of the responsibility… I like this guy he seems to have learned his lesson.

2. At one point, Michael Vick (AKA Ron Mexico, AKA the human video game) was the highest-paid player in the NFL. Now, according to the Associated Press, he is making 12 cents an hour at a job at the federal penitentiary in Levenworth, Kan., where he’s serving a 23-month sentence. Vick’s arrest on dog fighting charges and his suspension from the NFL devastated his finances worse than an MC Hammer spending spree. Currently he is filing for bankruptcy from his federally provided rape stand. In court filings, Vick says he has assets of $16 million and liabilities of $20.4 million which is only a slightly better financial situation than being an automaker.

1. After thirteen years of searching for the “real killers” O.J. Simpson was convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping. A jury found Simpson guilty in a 2007 incident where he entered a hotel room with associates carrying guns and took sports memorabilia from two of the most crooked men on the planet earth…errr… collectibles dealers. This guy is everyone consensus number one right? Everyone hates this guy and frankly the Vegas DA’s office was never going to let this guy off the hook a second time… I am totally ok with this conviction even if it was based on his prior history. I don’t care, just like all the other white people.