Lost in the Wilderness

When we started this blog a while back two things were off limits.  Politics and religion.  ZJ, Max Power and I could not be more different on these three subjects.  We are good friends and that is mostly because we choose not to discuss this stuff beyond the occasional good natured ribbing.  Today, I’m crossing that line a little bit, because I have to…

In full disclosure: I’m Catholic.  I go to Mass and am a product of a strong Catholic upbringing and have attended 17 years of Catholic education.  I am not a Notre Dame alum nor a Fighting Irish fan…especially now.

Notre Dame has its priorities out of order.  It has had its priorities out of order for a long time.  Notre Dame thinks it’s a football school.  Notre Dame thinks Jesus actually likes touchdowns.

Notre Dame’s football program like every other big time college football program in America uses scissor lifts so that camera men can film the formations in practice and provide film for the coaches and players.  On Wednesday, 20 year old Declan Sullivan died after his aerial filming rig (i.e. scissor lift) toppled in 50-60 mph winds.  Sullivan should not have been on that platform that day.  He knew it and said so via Twitter and Facebook; even alluding to his grave fate.  After the platform toppled, Brian Kelly’s football team continued to practice for 25 minutes.  25 minutes.

Think about that.

A fellow student, working for the football team falls 30-40 feet to his death during practice and the team played on.

The team saw what happened.  How could they not?  But they have a big game against Tulsa on Saturday so the team continued its preparations.

This is sick.

This would be offensive for any football program.  But for a Catholic institution’s football coach to ignore the event that unfolds just feet from his practice is inexcusable.  Today’s practice should also have been canceled.

Kelly should be fired.  Kelly needs to be fired.  He is the most prominent figure for that school and his actions are indefensible.  I don’t care if you did not know that he was going to die.  The completely avoidable accident was so severe that to continue practice is unforgivable.

The school needs to wake up.  Football is not that important.  As a product of a Catholic education this is appalling to me.  As a human being it should be appalling to you too.

Notre Dame football plans to honor Sullivan at the Saturday’s game with a moment of silence and helmet stickers.  It would have been better if they had honored him with silence and a moment of prayer on the field after suspending practice.

While you think about what I wrote… ask yourself this question.  If a second string linebacker had been struck by lightning during that practice would the team have just played on, running drills on the same field where paramedics tried saving their teammate’s life?

Fire Kelly and reevaluate your program Notre Dame.  This is more embarrassing than any loss on a football field.

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat

DSB Playhouse: As the World Series Turns

Welcome to the DSB Playhouse…please take your seats as the play is about to begin.

We are proud to bring you the latest installment of “As the World Series Turns” where we join the action in the early morning hours shortly after Wednesday night’s Game 1 finished.

	Tim Lincecum’s Bong: Shiiiiiiiiit….that was some toasty weed. But the dank sticky always gives me the munchies. I could go for some Funyuns…or Taco Bell. Anyone else up for some late night food?
	Pablo Sandoval’s Girth: Taco Bell…Taco Bell…Taco Bell!!! Sí, count me in, señor!
	(The Giants pull up to the drive-thru window at the closest Taco Bell)

	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!?
	Josh Hamilton’s Liver: What’s up, y’all? Just making a run for the border after a night of body shots and whipped-cream coeds
	CJ Wilson’s Taoist Spirituality: Though I disapprove of some of the choices made tonight, at least there were no illegal drugs.
	Ron Washington’s Deviated Septum: Then I’m outta here
	Josh Hamilton’s Liver: Yee-haw!
	Aubrey Huff’s Thong: (lisping) Nice rack, big boy!
	Tim Lincecum’s Bong: Yo …umm … hey man …hey …. like, can you like, move your truck, man? We’re trying to get some … umm … shit, what did we come here for again?
	Brian Wilson’s Beard: Gorditas!
	Pablo Sandoval’s Girth: (loud stomach growl)
	Tim Lincecum’s Bong: Yeah, that’s it! Gorditas! We should get some of those.
	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: I COULD EAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF SOME GORDITAS! YO, ESE – MOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKING TRUCK NOW!
	CJ Wilson’s Taoist Spirituality: Friend, there is no need to be rude and hostile.
	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: Rude and hostile? RUDE AND HOSTILE?!? I’LL SHOW YOU RUDE AND HOSTILE, GRINGO!!!
	Josh Hamilton’s Born Again Christianity: Whoa, whoa, hold on. Ev’rybody jus’ ease up now, y’hear? Don’t nobody need to git rude or hostile now. James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
	CJ Wilson’s Taoist Spirituality: So true.
	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: Tell you what, muchacho … I promise I’ll be quick to BEAT YO’ ASS AND YOU’LL BE SLOW TO GET UP! NOW MOVE THAT GODDAMN HILLBILLY HAULER SO I CAN GET SOME GORDITAS!
	Josh Hamilton’s Born Again Christianity: Sorry, friend. I can’t do that …
	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: …WHO’S GONNA STOP ME?!?
	Nolan Ryan’s Fist: I’m your huckleberry
	Barry Bonds’ Testicles: (shrivel in the back seat)
	Jonathan Sanchez’s Temper: Step aside, old man. This ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.
	Nolan Ryan’s Fist: Oh no? Your mouth’s writing checks your ass can’t cash, son. Go ask Robin Ventura’s Forehead how that worked out for him.
	Robin Ventura’s Forehead: (audible groaning)

End scene

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
ZJ

NBA Rookie Questionnaire

Tonight marks the return of the NBA to our sports landscape.  Although those of us here at DSB are not huge fans, we do like to watch the transition college stars make to the pro level.  We have gone so far as to prepare a questionnaire for rookies to take to both acclimate and prepare themselves for the day to day rigors of the NBA.  So, without further ado…

1. The best place to keep all of your guns is:
A) concealed in your Gucci carry-on luggage
B) hidden in the glove compartment of your Cadillac Escalade
C) easily accessible in the locker room

2. Commissioner David Stern recently spoke about the need to reduce salaries or possibly contract teams.  You:
A) are glad you don’t play for the Toronto Raptors
B) really need a sneaker deal now
C) think Whitey needs to stop keeping the man down

3. With your first check, you:
A) purchased an entire wardrobe of suits to meet the NBA dress code policy
B) bought a mansion for your Momma
C) caught up with the last three years of missed child support payments

4. You play on one of the other 29 teams that is not the Miami Heat.  You will finish:
A) out of the playoffs and in the lottery
B) short of a championship
C) there are teams other than the Miami Heat?

5. Your new head coach reminds you of:
A) Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy
B) the nerds you swirlied and stuffed into lockers
C) your cranky old grandfather with a prostate problem

6. Now that you are in the NBA, you no longer need:
A) to play defense
B) to manage your money
C) condoms

7. You barely made the final roster and you are the last guy on the bench.  Your primary role is to:
A) be a warm body in practices during the grind of the season
B) scout the groupie talent during the game
C) claim the weed is yours when the team’s star is pulled over by the police

8. You are looking forward to All-Star weekend when you will be:
A) playing in the Rookies vs. Sophomores game
B) competing in the Slam Dunk Contest or 3 Point Shootout
C) making it rain at the downtown LA Spearmint Rhino

9. You are defending Kobe Bryant when he takes three steps before dribbling and then charges into you out of control.  The referees blow the whistle and signal a foul on you.  You:
A) raise your hand for the official scorer
B) roll your eyes in the direction of the official and get T’ed up
C) conclude the ref bet on the Lakers giving the points

10. You have a new girlfriend.  You:
A) set her up in an apartment on the other side of town away from your wife
B) send her cellphone pics of your dong
C) have one of your buddies tail her to make sure that bitch ain’t two-timing you

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Ben Roethlisberger’s Latest Ad

The moles we have inside the advertising industry are apparently working overtime today with their second scoop of the day.  Coming on the heels of Ben Roethlisberger’s successful return to the NFL this past Sunday, Big Ben has decided to team up with a huge company and brand in their latest series of print ads.  I’m no marketing genius, but I’m not sure this is the best way for him to rehabilitate his image.
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Max Power

Lessons from an amateur father

As a new father I will occasionally drop a new post talking about the experiences (i.e. failures) and things I learn on the job in the process of raising Lil’ Ms. Bearcat. Here are my ramblings as I try not to screw up at being a father.

• I hope whoever the people are that put buttons on baby clothing die an awfully painful death and burn in hell for all eternity.   Seriously, they should all have their fingers cut off and then thrown from the windows of whatever sweatshop they use to make those button-laden baby cloths.  I have fingers that are not conductive to fine precision work. Need me to swing a sledge? Done. Thread a needle? Expect lots of swearing and me eventually stabbing myself in the hand. So why would designers put very tiny delicate little button on infant clothes? Snaps or Velcro. I don’t want to deal with this epic struggle. Also Lil’ Ms. Bearcat does not have the patience to watch as her father fumbles getting her dressed.

• Watching football is impossible. One you can’t get through a quarter without one of the baby’s bodily functions needing attention. Projectile vomit, exploding diaper, snot rocking out of her nose.  Sometimes all of these at once. The ideal football watching scenario is for Lil’ Ms. Bearcat to fall asleep in my arms. This is comforting.  But God help me if the Troy Polamalu rips some poor SOB quarterback’s head off. No cheering. It will awaken the baby and surely cause immediate shaming from the wife.

• You always see in movies how having a baby is a total chick magnet.  This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! Carrying Lil’ Ms. Bearcat around immediately means that women will crawl over broken glass to be near a cute baby. It is pretty clear that having a baby communicates to other women that 1. This guy was at least decent enough for another member of the gender to copulate with and therefore his is not a complete asshole and 2.  If he has a cute baby then that means he can impregnate me with a cute baby.  Is this a narrow and sexist way of looking at this phenomena? Yes. Will I rescind or apologize for it? No.

• I have started a list of things I plan to teach my children even though these lessons will not be met with approval from Ms. Bearcat or most of society.  I think these are all important skills for today’s youth.

– Pencil Fighting…Hint: always chose a Ticonderoga.
– How to properly heckle
– You actually can judge a book by its cover if the “book” is a dirty hippy.
– Being able to quote The Simpsons, The Big Lebowski and Monty Python is an essential life skill.
– Why we should distrust the entire state of California
– Snarkiness is akin to Godliness.
– The Internet and TV are our friends.  Never let anyone talk poorly of our friends.
– Taking shit apart is fun.  (Taking dad’s stuff apart is seriously detrimental to your heath)
– That it is perfectly acceptable to point and laugh

Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
Bearcat