Our previous attempts at dueling running diaries of Steelers’ games were a rousing success, so Bearcat and I felt compelled to do another one on this playoff Saturday.
Same disclaimers as before…this could either be something genuinely unique and funny or an unmitigated train wreck never to be done again. Remember, Bearcat and I had no interaction during the game but we present it to you as one continuous diary. Enjoy!
4:30 BEARCAT Just saw that Pennsylvania’s Governor Ed Rendell was now rooting for the Steelers since his beloved Eagles lost last week. That dumb ass can’t get out of office fast enough for me. Time to crack open my first beer. Naturally I have selected a Pittsburgh beer. I am opening the drinking with Duquesne Pilsner. Old school beer. I have been drinking since 11:30 (slowly) so this could go downhill fast, especially if I have to break out the Jameson.
4:33 BEARCAT I can see the dance troop that is the Baltimore Ravens have already started Krunking it up. Do they spend practice time during the week perfecting their dance routine? I assume they do.
4:35 BEARCAT New turf? This game is going to be a mess.
4:36 BEARCAT Webb takes the ball to the 50? WTF? Sushi is making the tackle? Thank God we got the challenge flag out on that one.
4:38 BEARCAT Just heard from Max Power that he is writing as well… He texted me that he was “fairly lit” This is going to be a mess.
4:40 BEARCAT Michael Oher practiced his false starts and holding all week. I am sure he will not get flagged once. He was in a movie you know.
4:41 BEARCAT Heap takes it against the grain for a big gain. Asked Mrs. Bearcat to get me another beer. We are at DEFCON 2 already.
4:44 BEARCAT That Pepsi Max NFL Combine ad would be ridiculous if it were not such an accurate portrait for of the circus that is the scouting combine.
4:47 BEARCAT Ed Reed is attacking Hines with bleach and ripping at his face mask but only Hines gets the flag… I am on fire.
4:48 BEARCAT Mike Wallace with a huge first down catch. This game is an opportunity for him to become a truly elite WR in the league. Love that guy. Wallace then draws a massive pass interference penalty. Baltimore might be rioting after that one. I hope they burn the city to the ground and loot orphanages.
4:51 BEARCAT Steelers are running the ball between the tackles. Just imposing their will. Sal Polonzski from Dahntahn is masturbating to this play calling.
4:54 BEARCAT Steelers running game > Everything ever. 7-0 Steelers. Chugging Beer #2. Moving on to Troegs Scratch #39 for beer #3.
4:58 MAX I’ve been drinking a lot already this afternoon watching college basketball. So much that I couldn’t remember when the game started and the score is already 7-0 Steelers by the time I tune in. I sure hope Bearcat wrote something funny. Well, I hope he just wrote something.
4:59 MAX You would think these games would be publicized or something.
5:00 BEARCAT This game started 25 minutes ago and I am pretty sure that 22 of those minutes involved commercials.
5:05 MAX Quote from noted genius Dan Dierdorf, “This has been chippy.” What did you expect from the Ravens-Steelers, Dan?
5:06 MAX Earlier reports said the NFL was trying to persuade the teams into easing up on the trash talk. Pshaw!! If today is anything short of a Pistons/Pacers type brawl, I’ll be disappointed.
5:07 BEARCAT There is not a hold on that play? Timmons just got taken to the ground by Oher? WTF? That is bullshit.
5:08 BEARCAT Holy Shit! Woodley just affected Flacco’s ability to sleep in the dark tonight. Woodley ate him up for a nice sack.
5:09 MAX One of the many things I hate about the NFL is that everyone just begs for calls. The receivers’ first reaction is to look for flags. The quarterbacks complain incessantly to the refs. Can we just play the game and let the officials throw flags arbitrarily like they always have in the past?
5:10 BEARCAT 3rd and 15. Madison takes a pass interference penalty. What a stupid penalty. Gets a 33 yard gain and brings the Rat-Birds into field goal range and then the rushing touchdown by Rice. I need another beer. (fending off desire to drink Irish Whiskey) 7-7 in the first… Ray Rice dances like he enjoys penis.
5:12 MAX Added to the list of things I thought I would never hear in my lifetime…Pro Bowl kicker Billy Cundiff.
5:16 BEARCAT That hit by Suggs is a penalty… If that was Tom Brady, Suggs would have been put down like a dog. Suggs is dancing and then it is a live football touchdown? Ben got hit in the head. No penalty. Suggs can rape, murder and attack with bleach and no one does anything. I am moving on to whiskey.
5:21 BEARCAT And we are out of challenges. Pours a double. 14-7 Ravens.
5:22 MAX One of the things I missed while I was tanking up – – the Steelers used a challenge flag on the opening kickoff?!? When did Jim Caldwell take over the Steelers’ coaching duties?
5:24 BEARCAT Ray-Ray on the sideline discussing the dance of the Redding who got his first touchdown. Ray-Ray giving him some pointers.
5:26 BEARCAT As Suggs has shown, the QB knees and face are free targets. Harrison should rip Flacco’s ACL out of his knee and wear it like a head band.
5:27 MAX Mmmmm…General Tso’s Bean Curd. Tummy…so full. Scallions are such an underrated recipe substitution instead of regular onion.
5:30 MAX How bad are the writers on the latest batch of the Coors Light coach commercials? Bruschetta? Hotel rooms in San Antonio? This is really the best you can do with hours and hours of post game press conference footage?
5:31 BEARCAT Troy Polamalu needs to show up…
5:34 MAX I’ve watched Steelers’ games all year and the name Ziggy Hood always makes me think of a ’70s jam band with like 30 different members who were tour openers for Sly & the Family Stone.
5:39 BEARCAT Off the Jameson and back to beer otherwise I will be dead. Brew Free or Die IPA by 21st Amendment. Steelers just got bailed out by an illegal contact with 1st down… They needed that.
5:42 BEARCAT HOW IS THAT A FUMBLE??? THIS GAME IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. I AM USING ALL CAPS!!!
5:44 MAX Turnovers and penalties are absolutely KILLING the Steelers. “Master of the Obvious” Dan Dierdorf shakes his head in agreement with me.
5:46 BEARCAT This is Mrs. Bearcat taking over. Bearcat is currently on the floor using his Terrible Towel to cover his head. I am going to go fix him another Jameson. 21-7 Ravens.
5:47 MAX Flacco passing touchdown to Todd Heap. I have a feeling Bearcat is already chugging straight out of the Jameson bottle. You might be stuck with just me the rest of the way.
5:49 MAX Wait a second…I forgot that Jim Zorn is the Ravens’ quarterback coach. That can’t be good for Flacco’s development.
5:52 MAX The highest rated shows on CBS are NCIS, Two and a Half Men, and The Big Bang Theory? Sometimes America sucks ass.
6:03 MAX Why is Big Ben joking around with Terrell Suggs after the play like they are best buddies? “We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.”
6:04 MAX Somewhere Skippy smiles and cracks open another Natty Light as Sushi misses. Odds are pretty good that Bearcat just hung himself with his Terrible Towel.
6:05 MAX Halftime viewing option: Deliverance on CMT. How appropriate since that first half felt like I just got gang-raped by a bunch of hillbillies.
6:09 BEARCAT I expect Dick LeBeau and Tomlin to murder a locker room attendant and then spit his blood at the entire team. They should be that pissed.
6:11 BEARCAT Okay I am back. I am cracking open a Duquesne Pilsner. I am having some chili (made with Duquesne) and cornbread for the halftime dinner. I am using my Terrible Towel as an alter cloth draping it over the TV to send positive Yinzer energy to Heinz field. It will all be okay. I know it.
6:12 MAX I’m pretty sure I hit the SAP button on the remote control when I realize it’s just Shannon Sharpe on the halftime show.
6:22 MAX Dan Dierdorf describing Ray Lewis, “at 35 still productive,” as the replay shows him unable to keep up with a slow, white tight end across the middle of the field.
6:24 MAX In the hurry-up offense Roethlisberger waits to snap the ball until the Ravens defense is set. I’m glad to see he’s so goddamn magnanimous.
6:33 MAX Ray Rice fumbles and the Steelers take advantage with a Roethlisberger floater to Heath Miller, 21-14. Someone use the paddles on Bearcat. We have a game.
6:40 MAX I love how Budweiser commercials show the “brewmasters” checking the color and taste of the beer. Who are they kidding? Everyone knows they could care less about the taste of their swill. They’re just sitting in a beach chair on a private island shouting “Printing Money!!”
6:43 MAX How many xanax has Limas Sweed popped while watching Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown become key targets of the passing game?
6:50 MAX So CBS is now promoting CSI: Miami with all the weird stuff that David Caruso does? That’s one angle to advertise something that is unwatchable.
6:51 MAX Ryan Clark fields the punt…oh wait, that was a Joe Flacco pass.
7:00 BEARCAT On practically back-to-back plays Flacco has thrown an INT and fumbled the ball away. I was in a bit of a drunk coma there. I am back. I am pretty drunk at this point.
7:02 MAX With an injury to Jonathan Scott, the Steelers are now down to their last healthy offensive lineman. If I know Bearcat, he’s already in his car doing 120mph towards Heinz Field to suit up.
7:07 MAX John Harbaugh just threw a challenge flag on a first down that wasn’t. That was an effective and sneaky way to give his defense a breather without it costing them anything.
7:21 MAX Every time Randle El fields a punt, he really puts the pastrami-clogged arteries of Yinzers to the test.
7:25 BEARCAT Flacco is clearly melting down. If the Steelers had not made some dumb turnovers this game would have been 40-6 by now. 24-21 Steelers
7:32 BEARCAT 24-24. I was totally hoping Ryan Clark would have broken Boldin’s face again. Wonder what that would do to his psyche if he had a totally new appearance for the third time in his life. You know the guy looks completely different than he did before his face got destroyed.
7:33 MAX Time to finish off the lone remaining beer from my Jai Alai six-pack.
7:36 BEARCAT I completely expect LeBeau to instruct Timmons to sexual abuse Flacco here… (I was right)
7:38 MAX The NFL just preemptively electrocuted Dan Dierdorf before he had the opportunity to explain the new overtime rules.
7:38 BEARCAT Would be nice if Troy showed up. Time for another beer… I missed updating like 3 of them. Time for a Nugget Nectar in the 22 oz bomber. Like I’m not trashed enough already.
7:40 BEARCAT Has there ever been a game with more commercials than this one? The Super Bowl has fewer interruptions.
7:41 MAX Ballsy 3rd down throw going for it all there by Big Ben. Ashen grey balls, but ballsy nonetheless.
7:42 BEARCAT After a huge pick up by Hines, Antonio Brown makes a catch that will cause your mother to want to carry his baby. That dude is totally getting a threesome tonight in Pittsburgh.
7:42 BEARCAT And naturally CBS immediately goes to commercial. I feel like we have a commercial break after ever down.
7:46 MAX Terrence Cody just got called for a killer defensive holding. I think his man-boobs were the culprit.
7:48 BEARCAT Watching Harbaugh meltdown trying to get that timeout might be the the funniest slo-mo replay of the night. He said that is fucking bullshit at least three times. I am pretty sure that slo-mo replay has made me highly proficient at reading lips for swear words in a way that otherwise I would never know.
7:50 MAX The Steelers with a HUGE touchdown. Everyone who bet on them giving 3 points just did a fist pump (me included).
7:51 BEARCAT 31-24
/chugs beer
/sees Kemo’s stupid penalty and drinks a shot
7:52 BEARCAT /sees us kicking off from the 15 and pours another shot
7:55 BEARCAT Ziggy… Gay… I am Gay for Ziggy. Both of those guys were awesome today.
7:58 MAX Fourth down pass to Housh hits him right between the numbers and he drops it. The Steelers survive and advance!!! Suck on that Baltimore!!!
7:59 BEARCAT Game. Shut. Your. Face. Baltimore. /another shot of Jameson
Thanks for coming and suckling Daddy’s Sugar Ball…
A little over one year ago, Nantz’ divorce to his wife of 26 years, Lorrie, became final. Like many other marriages, over time the relationship “broke down” and Nantz claimed his wife was unsupportive of his career and her favorite past time had become shopping. To that end she had reportedly spent over $1M at one Westport, CT clothing and jewelry store alone over a nine-year period. Even at his $7M per year income, that kind of spending can take the quite the toll on any relationship. In the end, the final settlement awarded to Lorrie Nantz from her husband was the couple’s six-bedroom, six-bathroom Westport home and $916,000 per year in alimony until he dies or she remarries. Oof…that’s quite the chunk of change.
Daddy's Sugar Ball 