Buying your next sports jersey

If you were to go out and buy a sports jersey, what would you buy?

It’s tough to buy any current athlete because:
a) that player will probably change teams in the near future
b) that player will probably be implicated in the use of performance enhancing drugs
c) that player had a memorable night in a Denver-area hotel room

Would you consider a jersey from a character in a movie? What follows is a countdown of the Top 13 uniforms of fictional characters (this leaves out the Permian High Panthers and many others). The sole criteria for the list was which jersey would I pay actual money for…so without further ado, here we go…

13. Pittsburgh Pisces – Moses Guthrie #35 (The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh)
Pro: Will go over well within a 5 hour radius of the Steel City
Con: The movie itself is almost unwatchable in its ridiculousness

12. Cadwallader University – Hustler (Fast Break)
Pro: You might get an invite to Jimmy Kimmel for Sunday football with your new best friend, The Sports Guy
Con: You might get an invite to Jimmy Kimmel for Sunday football with your new best friend, The Sports Guy
11. West Canaan High Coyotes – Jonathan Moxon #4 (Varsity Blues)
Pro: While wearing this uniform you get to try out your pitiful southern accent on weak inspirational speeches
Con: Do you really want to represent the Beek?
10. Average Joe’s – Peter LaFleur #16 (Dodgeball)
Pro: Great for a sports bar where the frat comedy will be a big hit
Con: It’s a uniform for a dodgeball team
9. Cleveland Indians – Ricky Vaughn #99 (Major League)
Pro: Everyone knows the “Wild Thing” – especially if you rock the nerd glasses too
Con: People might think you actually root for the real Indians
8. North Dallas Bulls – Phil Elliott #87 (North Dallas Forty)
Pro: Credibility for showing a little love to a forgotten gem
Con: I did say “forgotten”, right?
7. Cutters – Dave Stoller (Breaking Away)
Pro: Shows your appreciation and support for the underdog
Con: Look at it – it’s just a white t-shirt with iron-on letters
6. New York Knights – Roy Hobbs #9 (The Natural)
Pro: Check out that sweet lightning bolt arm patch
Con: Remember in the book, he strikes out to end the game
5. Hickory High – Jimmy Chitwood #15 (Hoosiers)
Pro: He saved the coach’s job and scored about 30 of his team’s 42 points in the State finals
Con: A basketball jersey on a middle-aged, overweight guy is NEVER a good look
4. Mean Machine – Paul Crewe #22 (The Longest Yard)
Pro: Who doesn’t root for the disgraced athlete in a game between the inmates and the guards?
Con: People may confuse this as appreciation for the Adam Sandler remake (even though he wore #18)
3. Durham Bulls – Crash Davis #8 (Bull Durham)
Pro: Old-school logo with the bull coming through the “D”
Con: Look closely…it’s a polyester pullover V-neck
2. Bears – Tanner Boyle #12 (The Bad News Bears)
Pro: Sponsorship by Chico’s Bail Bonds
Con: He’s a 10-year old version of Khalil Greene and I’ll assume you don’t have a Padres #3 jersey
1. Charleston Chiefs – Reggie Dunlop #7 (Slap Shot)
Pro: What’s not to like? Coolest actor in the best sports movie
Con: Simply put…none